The Support You Need, and Support You Don't

What an odd day I have had. The weather has turned cold and dreary... the kind of weather that puts you to sleep like a chloroform laced cloth. I had many weird dreams and at times felt that awakening was out of my control.

Once I finally pulled myself away from the grips of my down comforter, I went straight to the computer and fired up the job sites. I always check http://www.indeed.com/ first, as it usually has the most postings. And there were many postings... all in health care. Every last one. If I could find a magic wand, I would magically turn myself into an RN that wasn't afraid of needles. Hell, if I had a magic wand... I wouldn't need to search for a job!

I had set my cell phone to silent. Something I have had to do to protect my chances of getting an uninterrupted night of rest. Mother had left a message saying she wanted to go shopping. She doesn't really want to go shopping. She wants me to get out of the house. So, I worked out, showered and called her back.

After I got out of the shower, I glanced out the door and saw some bags on my front step. I figured mother had stopped by, but wondered why she wouldn't have come inside. So I opened the door and brought them in. Someone had brought me three small bags of groceries. All non-perishables: canned goods, sauces, oatmeal and popcorn. I could have balled like a baby. The feelings were mixed. I was coming to terms with the fact that I needed help and that someone knew it. I've never been good at asking for help, and I never thought I would need help sustaining my life. At least not since the old days of college. I suspect it was my friend Alicia, as I had spoken to her the night before and made light of the fact that I had eaten my last can of soup and was eating a ham sandwich for dinner. I don't even like sandwiches that much, but I choked it down. Poor people in Africa probably get sick of that porridge looking stuff, but they eat it.

I got myself together. Fought a few boughts with tears and went to my affordable standby department store, and could not find a single thing! Not a one! I usually leave that store with bulging bags and a $200 or more dent in my wallet. I couldn't even find a bra! What is the deal with these manufacturers thinking we want a three- inch- thick clump of mystery stuffing to shove our nipples up underneath our nostrils? Every bra that didn't remind me of my grandmother was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey! My "girls" don't really need any support. I just want a bra that looks cute and is comfortable. I'm happy with what I have and do not wish to have cleavage spewing over top my neckline.

No underwear either. Now that shouldn't be hard to find... but I had no luck.

So, I went to another store. One that is typically more expensive, but I was on a mission. Unfortunately so was a young couple with two screaming toddlers and another little devil on the way! I could hardly focus in the dressing room. Hearing children scream while you are trying to find something that might turn a man on kind of ruins the whole experience! So, I wound up with a black and white V-neck striped shirt that I LOVE, a skirt that is hot, and a sweater I'm sure I'll take back. They were closing, turning the lights off on me... so I gave up and called it a night.

Still not sold on what I will wear for my big out- of- state outing on Friday. Damn it! I'm thinking that I might just go casual chic and wear the striped V-neck, jeans, some tall black heeled boots, a rocker-inspired jacket and a cool bag. So, I'm headed out, once again, tomorrow to hopefully find a nice pair of boots, the jacket, bag, and some cute underthings. My undergarments are nearing the end of there lives!

So I'm home. Finally fixed my computer. At least I have managed to make it work properly. I have no idea what was wrong, nor do I even attempt to call myself some kind of expert on these things. Thank God it worked, because this computer has become my saving grace! It allows me to cling on to some sort of purpose by writing and also gives me the opportunity to search and research jobs.

I've settled into bed with the book my friend sent, "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo. I'm approximately 40 pages in and it's a good read. Very timely. Cortney had written something lovely on the inside cover: "I hope you enjoy this book as much as I have. Remember to keep believing in yourself as you continue to discover your true happiness. You are right where you are supposed to be." So sweet. Teared me up when I read it.

Wow. I sound unstable! (Laughing)

I'm going back to my book... and hoping that tomorrow is a most wonderful day.

The Battle of Faith vs. Reality

I go to church every Sunday at midnight. With Joel Olsteen on channel 30. I almost missed "church" last night because I was, again, frantically job searching on the Internet. I was glad I caught the sermon... the timing of it could not be more applicable to me right now.

Joel's sermon, "Detoxing the Mind," was about removing the negative thoughts that keep us from our true destinations. I would not have argued with one eloquent word that he had to say.

But.

As much as I try to remain in faith and believe that by the grace of God, or some other power greater than myself, that I will get a job and my bills will be paid without extensive, complicated and creative mathematics... my reality is slapping me in the face every waking, and sleeping moment of my life!

Four weeks. I have four weeks to either find and harvest money from the mythical tree, or land a job in this crippled and mortally wounded (state name) economy. I haven't been to the grocery store in over a month and ate a ham sandwich for dinner. Nice for the waistline, but bad for the spirit.

I am fully aware that millions of people in the world have it worse than me. And, I am also fully aware that I am more than employable, and beyond ready to work. That, I haven't lost faith in...

Keeping my head above water... well... I might spend my last hundred dollars on an air tank to delay the impending doom and suffering.

I've even "lowered my standards" and applied to a less honorable position. And the reality of that is... I could care less if anyone has something to say about how I earn my money. Yes, I'm smart. Yes, I have a college degree. And, yes, I have an impressive resume. But, I also have a mortgage and a strange desire to eat something a little more savory than a ham sandwich. I also have a desire to make ends meet while I gamble on something bigger... bigger for me.

So hear I am... trapped in the middle of a bloody battle between faith and reality. Moments at which I want to scream... and moments when I want to cry. I'm a "swimmer," a "survivor" many a friend will say... but I'm also a human who has to put down the gloves once in awhile. I'm a lover, not a fighter after all... and I'm ready for the whistle to blow.

A Bartender and a Gentleman

I decided to "bite the bullet" today and call the "gentleman's club" about a job. I've never considered working in one and was not sure how they go about hiring. I talked to a very nice sounding gentleman...

"Hi. I'm interested in employment with you, and was wondering if you could tell me if you have any openings and what I approach I should take."

"What position were you looking for?"

"Ideally bartender... or waitress."

"Well, I know they did some hiring this weekend. I'm not sure if they filled everything or not, but they were looking for some girls. You will need to talk to Becky."

Great! I should have gone there LAST week! But, I decided to gamble the gas money on a trip over in hopes of acquiring a job. I was getting a kick out of deciding what to wear. What DO you wear for a gentleman's club job? Not much if you want to be a stripper... but that's not what I'm after. So I picked through the closet. I'm not much of a "hoochie" dresser... so I had to get creative. I found a pair of black pants that make my ass look hot and my legs long and lean... and then a green shirt that I had purchased last summer to try to get a client of the salon to notice me in a "sexy" way. I put on the "bedroom eyes," smoky grey shadow with smudgy black liner. I think I managed a good balance of sexy and classy.

As I was driving over there the sky opened up and dumped a massive amount of rain on the highway. It was raining so hard I could barely see and was pulled off the road for a minute by a deep puddle. Just then my stomach began flopping around. Nerves? Or was this God trying to prevent me from seeking a job in a sinner's paradise? I figured as long as I didn't vomit all over my clothes... that I was going to move on down, move on down the road.

The place was recently sold and remodelled. Definitely not the dark and dingy place I vaguely remember from a drinking binge years ago. It was actually nice... and the bar was great! It is back along the wall... so I wouldn't be smack dab in the middle of the bouncing boobs. It was early evening and wasn't very busy. Every "gentleman" that walked in, headed right to the bar, which tells me there is money to be made there. Becky was very personable and seemed to be a respectable gal.

"I just trained one of my waitresses on the bar and hired another waitress to take her place. But I see you have bartended before. Let's give it a couple weeks and see how this works out. And then you can meet Jim."

Well, damn't! I want to meet Jim now! I need a job world! Unless I can find a free ticket out of this hopeless town... I might just as well rot here. Do they repo people?

Stressed and Rest.

Rest! I finally have gotten some much needed rest! Granted I did manage to "waste" a big chunk of the day in doing so... but I feel so much better. I was about to jump off my bed head first in frustration! That would have just given me a headache and made me do it again and again...

I've begun to panic because reality has really sunk in! I just realized that it is imperative that I either get an extension on my unemployment, or a job NOW! I knew time was running out... but once I started thinking that the hiring process takes a few days, and receiving your first check takes two weeks. One phrase went screaming through my head and out my eyeballs, "OH SHIT!!!!!"

Dealing with the "system" is not fun. And dealing with an economy that is beyond broken, makes even the most valiant of efforts to find work impossible. So it looks like, even with my newly attained degree, that I will be back to waiting tables or bartending. If I can even find a job doing that! I swore I would never go back. I did my time and more so in the restaurant biz. If I have to do it... ugh... I'm hoping to find a place that allows me to work Monday-Thursday, and that I am able to make enough to pay the bills, and hopefully save some. I do not want to get back into the business to the point of fighting for weekends and holidays off. As I said... I've paid my dues there.

I'm enjoying my first cup of coffee in weeks! I gave it up hoping that my anxiety would quell and that my mind would relax a bit. Even the smell of coffee makes me happy. Here's hoping my happiness lasts beyond the bottom of the cup!

Heart that breaks...

Yep. Disaster.

Knew Todd was gonna swoop in. Just didn't know he was going to wait until he "broke" me with talk about what I want to do ultimately in my life and him claiming to think I was gorgeous for being so spirited about music. He even said he wanted to buy me a piano.

And in the end... I was left feeling like a friend of 20 years was trying to verbally manipulate me into bed.

I fought him off of course. And he left. And I was glad.

He left a message a short while later, aplogizing, and saying he was selfish. Please call me tomorrow he said.

Sorry, pal. But what hurts a woman's heart most, is trusting in a heart that breaks.

Dread.

I'm so tired I just want to go back to bed!!!!! Finally back from running around! Spent an extra hour at the salon sharing angst with the government and the local economy with my stylist and the owner... and then mailed my package to Ireland. $10.30!!!! That's a lot of money in my current world! It better not be a mistake. I'll ask for a refund!

Todd already called. I got an extra hour delay. Dread. Dread. Dread.

Frustrated Lady

Frustrated. I am frustrated!

I've been job searching... still. The postings continue to dwindle in number, and, I'm nowhere near qualified for the ones that are posted. It's a shame I'm petrified of needles. Had I pursued nursing... I'd never have been in this situation. I'm headed to the unemployment office to turn in some paperwork. One form they need isn't turning out the way my caseworker said it should... I don't know why. But, to make sure she doesn't think I'm happily sitting on my rear waiting for someone to come and strip me away from my meager possessions... I'm turning it in anyway.

Missed C.F. by 10 minutes last night. He had given me the impression that he might not have time to chat, so I went to bed. Only to find that he was eager to "catch up" with me when I checked my messages after waking up in the middle of the night. He sent me some very cute photos... so I obliged and sent some back. One in which I was pointing to the empty and available spot next to me in bed. Theoretically, it is supposed to be unattractive to be available to a man's every beckon call... so perhaps it was a good thing.

My Irishman has been a little aloof as of late. I had spent the day getting a package for him together. A card, letter, poem, "Love" assortment of chocolates, and a framed photo. But after not receiving responses to messages lately, I found myself second guessing him in the early morning. I sent him an email telling him that I felt something was up and that I wasn't going to continue sending messages to him. After I sent it, I had some regrets... but couldn't unsend it, so I was left with the potential consequences. Well, it got his attention, which wasn't really my intention. He has since written me an email and sent me two text messages. None of which I have responded to yet.

What am I doing? (I'm in analytical mode today.) I've got my emotions and energies wrapped up into two men that don't even live in the same state as I do. That I haven't even met in person. Is it truly possible to have a real, lasting romance with either one? And am I willing to meet them, find that our connection is indeed one that I have searched for my entire life... and then pine away for them until the next time we can coordinate schedules, travel arrangements, and time together??

So, I'm off to drop off paperwork. Pick up toothpaste. And get a haircut. My pre-C.F. spiff up. Then... oh help me... then... Todd will be coming over in the early evening to "hang out." I reluctantly agreed to spend time with him, since he had confessed, under the influence, that he has been wanting to take me on a date. I've been very careful not to give him that impression. I think he is a wonderful person. We've known each other for 20 years... but I'm dreading the thought of him swooping in for a kiss, or even touching me in the hopes of romance. I hate that! Friends who develop romantic feelings that you don't have in return... UGH! Such a delicate situation. I really, really, really want to cancel...

Beautiful. Bouncing. Checks.

Well... it looks like my hopes of becoming a "normal" person again and sleeping during the night are a little hopeless. However... basking in the warm glow of thoughts of a sweet, charming man... paired with the drifting scent of a vanilla candle... led me to write a lovely poem about him.

Oh, how I love pure, consuming inspiration.

On the not so romantic and beautiful side of life... I've hit a couple bumps in my checking account. My $184 electric bill tipped the balance and led to an overdraft. I'm not one who bounces checks. So I got in the car and drove to the bank in the dark of early morning to prevent that worry from interfering with my deperately needed sleep.

Four weeks left of unemployment. Money isn't stretching far enough anymore... I have to, with the help of a miracle, perhaps, find an answer to this current puzzle. Fast. Avoiding the breaking news of the troubled financial state facing the entire country... a miracle is what I have left to hope for.

Addicted to Love

I was actually going to leave my computer off for the end of the evening... but I had to go back for one last check for mail.

Poof! C.F. arrives in the IM! He sent me photos of him again... such a warm smile. A genuine face... so of course I had to chat! He's got some fancy computer that allows him to take pictures quickly.... so he sends me silly yet sexy streams of his current state of mind and place. To return photos... I have to hope my camera will allow me to press the button to activate the timer (it hasn't been the same since my photo shoot in the rain), place the camera... pose like I'm not posing... get the camera, camera cord, connect to computer... upload, fix the red eye that curses my blue eyes... search for the photo... and then send it. Needless to say it's not as easy going on my end!

I have gotten comfortable sending him photos in my natural state. Not one smidge of makeup... not even a quick fix of the hair. The nice thing about it is that I don't have to deal with that anxiety you have when someone you are hot for sees you in the morning for the first time! All we have left to worry about is if the chemistry is as strong in real life as it is each day and night we communicate.

I had a brief battle of the"what-ifs" and the "is he reallys" this afternoon. Wondering if he was really that into me and how could HE be that into ME. Didn't take long to consider the fact that he has a very demanding schedule and never fails to send me at least 10 messages! And his words... a man who wasn't interested wouldn't bother with them. And what would a man really want to spend this much time messaging a woman for, if he weren't quickly getting a piece of ass... if that's what he truly sought. Ego boost? Well... there's an ample supply of women out there to provide those! So... I'm sold!

Got a postcard from Ireland... from the Irishman... I really need to make the time to get his things together and mail them out. I'm wondering if he's wondering what I've been up to. We haven't communicated as much as usual the last couple days... another challenge with time zones and work schedules.

I'm quite a lucky gal to have two very sweet and endearing men "in my life." I can't get enough of them!!! I'd say I don't deserve either one of them... but I've definitely endured my share of heartless assholes!

Stop. Look. And Listen...

An intelligent and lovely friend of mine sent this to me... please watch and definitely listen.



http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=J_KKyw8V-l0

One is the the most confusing number...

Okay... still on a maniacal rampage...

But, a calmer one.

I did want to say that part of me feels like a bitch. I spent the earlier part of the day picking up little trinkets to send to my Irishman. And I have not forgotten him. I've never been this caught up in two men that I haven't met in person before... and I'm trying to make sense of things without getting too analytical and self-punishing. Without curling up into an introverted ball of fear of what could and may become of meeting either of them.

One thing at a time. One step at a time. One man at a time...

Reprieve from anger...

Finally at least one bit of news I can mostly agree with...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080924/ap_on_bi_ge/financial_meltdown

Breathless...

C.F. sent me a message right as I was finishing a grueling workout... and for a moment, I thought I was going to have to take a very embarrassing trip to the hospital! Our messaging has dashed, smudged, and erased any crossing "lines." Completely burning with unbridled desire... a mutual fascination of mind, spirit... and body.

There I was in my no-makeup, post workout ponytail, tank top and shorts... and he's now sending me photos of him... real time... as close to real life as you can get without trying to make love to your laptop. And he wants to see me... as is. See, us girls think men want or need to see us all perfected... with makeup and front-page hair... but more and more I hear that men prefer the natural. That's intimidating to do with someone who hasn't seen you physically at your best! I've sent him many photos previously... all carefully screened and edited of course!

But... I took a risk. This whole thing has been a risk. I sent him a photo... of me in my non-glamor glory. Then another... holding a note that said, "I think you are very sexy!" Followed by another note holding mug shot complete with Hollywoodesque sunglasses... lips puckered for kissing... and the note said "Dork" with an arrow pointing to my face. I've enclosed it in my post for your dorking pleasure.

Dorks. We love that we are dorks. Well, I should probably say like. But the dorkiness is just one of the many ingredients to this torrid recipe...

The rest I will save for my private savoring. I'm sorry... but I'm going to enjoy it while it is still fresh in my mind. Just know that we have been messaging each other for 6 hours...and I'm breathless.

The Good Night X

Well, I'm in bed, but I'm obviously not sleeping. C.F. sent me a goodnight message... as he always does. Each and every day since we "met." A good morning, some playful in-betweens, and a good night "x." If the laws of attraction truly exist, he should be at my door any moment.

We have confirmed arrangements to meet in a few weeks. The absolute details have not been worked out, yet, but it's a go to entertain the kiss... and whatever else feels natural afterwards. I've stayed pretty true to my intensified workout routine, and I can see that I am a little slimmer as a result. In fact, I put on a white blouse that had been tight weeks before, and it fit nicely. I'm actually dying to eat something right now, but I'm trying to curb my late night gorgings.

It's crazy to think that next week I'm going shopping for my big night out dress... and that maybe it will spend more time on the floor than it did on my body. Oh. Did I just say that?

The HEAT is on!!!

Sizzling. Everything is sizzling HOT! Most of us know that once "kissing" begins... more seems to inevitably follow. C.F. and I have slowly begun to turn up the heat in our messages. And my mind is wandering, wandering!

It's a tricky thing, this "thing." C.F. and I had no intentions of becoming enthralled with each other... and somehow we have managed to do so. C.F. had written me a very heartfelt letter... confessing that he is involved with someone and felt that I should know, out of respect for me. He also said that he still hopes to make good on our "contract" to kiss. This is where I risk sounding like some scandalous whore, but, I find myself ready to take that risk. I don't know why fate led us together, and I'm not going to question it.

Truth be told, I'm "involved" with someone as well. My dear Irishman. And again, I'm not going to ask questions.

Both men are wonderful in their own ways... and I don't know what will happen in the end. But I do know that I have never felt so alive... and hungry with desire!

The Opened Door

My father has messaged me back. Thankfully, he didn't choose to write an epic letter covering the last 37 years. It was a short message... he said he always wondered about me... and I always wondered if he wondered. It took me until today to write back. After all of this time, it's hard to determine where to start. What to say. So I just told him that I had written him off in my 20's, figuring I didn't know him, so what difference would it make. But, that as I have gotten older, I better understand that we are all human and none of us perfect. I felt I would regret not talking to him.

The reality is that he won't be around forever. At 70-ish, who knows how long he will be here. I think it's important for me to know this mystery half of my existence. Even though I may feel a little guilt that it might hurt my mom. She's never mentioned much of him and I have never asked out of respect for her. Whatever happened between them, in her heart, she has never been with another man. Just kind of closed herself off and I always thought that was sad.

Again, I don't know what will become of all of this... and it is possible that I could regret opening the door. But none of us really know what lies at the end of a journey once they walk through those doors... I'm hoping it's something beautiful.

Guaranteed

I am so going to kiss C.F.

We have a "contract" and I have an overwhelming desire...

Mona the Explorer....

I did it. I did it. I did it?!

I messaged my "father."

And I am scared shitless...

Risky (Unfinished) Business

So much for going to bed early...

It's 5:16 a.m. I've been up 20 hours now...

Was calling it a night with C.F. messaging, and Manus signed on. We hadn't chatted in a couple days, so I decided to talk with him. We spent a good deal of time discussing my father, and what the right choice would be as far as contacting him.

My father and mother split when I was about two years old. Or more accurately, my mother left him. A fact I had only learned of in the last several years of my life. Although close to his side of the family, no one spoke of him the majority of my life. He was never at any family gatherings... not even in name. Here is the best timeline that I remember of him:

Seeing him a few times around the age of five.

Once around the age of eight... and the last.

My mother weeping when the sitter cancelled and she thought she would either have to take me to my father's or to work... and my best friend's mom coincidentally at the door. She took me in for the night.

And one disturbing phone call from him around the summer I turned 18.

Recently, he's sent me email messages. They are vague and brief. The last one asking if this was in fact my email address. His brother finally opened up to me about him during our family reunion in August. Apparently my father has been mentally ill in some way for many years. And now... I am torn regarding whether or not to let him into my life.

There is so very much more to this story... and this is something I feel I really need to resolve. He's approximately 70 years old, so I am compelled to come to some sort of decision... and this is part of the reason I have not been able to rest well for a few weeks.

My mind does not do well with unfinished business of any sort.

Sign off time...5:30 a.m.

Wanted: Lifeguard

After a near-death experience in the shower, I now understand the value of co-habitation! I always enter the shower closest to the faucet, a habit I have been told in the past is backward, but has worked for me thus far. For some reason, today I entered the shower from the "correct end" and nearly killed myself! An initial slip startled me, and I could hear my mother's voice echoing, "You need to have non-slip strips in your tub!" As I tried to regain my balance, I started to fall again... with the shower curtain and rod in my hand! Now, I'm slipping, balancing the shower rod... and being scalded with hot water! I thought of crying for help, but knew my cat would have nothing to do with my heated situation.

A dreamy man surely would have come to my rescue. Maybe it's time for a want ad.

Twilight Zone!!

I just noticed that all of my latest posts are timed at 9:38 a.m.

Weird!

(the Twilight Zone theme begins to play...)

Just for reference... the text to my disconnected booty phone occurred at 1:30 a.m.

Temporarily Disconnected!!!

Damn't!!!!!

I just got a text from an ex-dater turned rare booty call... and I'm horny as hell. BUT, I'm already in bed and committed to going to sleep early. That means I would have to jump out of bed... put on some makeup, and clothes... tidy up...and...

Unfortunately, he's not the greatest in the sack. Not horrible... he's just the typical drunk guy wanting to get off. And, as much as I would love a hot night in sack... I'm kind of holding out for one of my "lovers" that actually takes the time to desire me for my entirety; and not just my hot ass.

This Pollyanna crap sucks!


(Besides, I just put fresh white sheets on the bed tonight... I'm not getting them dirty for "nothing.")

"K" stands for...

Oh am I ever smitten with C.F.!

We have exchanged over 15 emails today... and the flirtation level has intensified. Instead of insinuations, we have progressed to saying the "K" word. Kissing! And oh would I love to kiss him. He's so incredibly charming. He has decided that my feet look intelligent, despite saying he's not one of those guys that has a thing for feet. He thinks my feet are "happy, smart, and free-spirited." So, I attached a photo of my feet with "Thinking of you xx" written across the top of them. Pretty creative way to flirt, I thought, and so did he.

He responded with a cute message and a photograph of him in which he is smiling mischievously and looking downward. It is absolutely adorable. When I asked what he was thinking or what he had just done, he said that was the look he would likely have after we kissed. Like a smitten school boy after his first kiss!

We may be seeing each other in October... and I cannot wait to KISS him!!!!!!

Riveting Plans

Good Morning Boys and Girls!

Made it through most of the night without waking! Woke up before the alarm! Maybe there is hope for me yet. I've actually considered making a schedule for my days to provide some sort of structure. Something I wish I had done, in hindsight. Most of my time has centered around my job search and contemplating the future... not making the most of the present.

An author was interviewed on Oprah the other day. I'm not a regular viewer... my mother called to let me know it was on in case I was interested. This author was a housewife who wrote a book based on a dream she had in three months. That means I could have written one book and been three-quarters of the way done with a second!

Today's agenda:

Breakfast. Check

Job search. Check

Workout.

Get some sun/read a bit of my book.

Complete some paper work.

Clean up the house.

Spend a little time with friends.

Get to bed before 1 a.m.


Riveting, I know!

Just Thursday

What a wonderfully peaceful day I have had. I finally managed to get a good night's sleep, only a good morning's sleep would be a more accurate description. I had fallen asleep at 12:30 a.m. only to awaken at 1:30 a.m. I was literally ready to cry!

Knowing that Manus would be signing on for our usual 2 a.m. chat after his shift ended at work, I decided to just stay up for a bit. We had an interesting discussion about dogs, complete with pictures I had found of each breed that I like. I love the BIG dogs... Mastiffs, Leonbergs, and Newfoundlands. He likes Wiemeraners. I find those to be beautiful creatures as well. My love for Mastiffs stems from my first encounter with a friend of my old boyfriends while we were in Aspen Colorado. When he walked into the cabin with this giant beast, my first thought when I saw the dog was, "He's either going to eat me... or love me." Not an hour later, we were down by the river playing fetch... with a log!

Earlier that night, C.F. had sent me a cute message and a photo of him... he has the dreamiest eyes and nice pink lips...

I managed to get to sleep after 5 a.m. I put my cell phone on silent to avoid people operating on the "normal" hours waking me. I don't even know how many hours I slept, but it felt damn good. All of this uncertainty and contemplation had put my mind into overdrive and left me only able to sleep a few hours at a time. So I made a point to remain unplugged for the majority of the day and just let the silence soothe me.

Of course, the first thing I did when I plugged back in was log on to see if either of my "lovers" had messaged me! No word from Manus, despite his promise that we would have a "proper chat." But, I had three messages from C.F.! A good morning, a well wish for my rested mind, and a declaration that he will use his thoughts of me to motivate him tonight. Sigh.

Another good workout added to my sense of accomplishment today. So far, my body hasn't started screaming at me. I don't know how much of a physical difference my intensified routine will make before the big trip... but I do know that exercise helps my state of mind immensely. Size wise, I'm comfortable... I'd just like to peel off this little layer of fat that is hiding my muscle tone a bit. I'd love to have lean arms! I find that to be very sexy and feminine on a woman's body. I've been cursed with German arms... sausages I call them. I'm not sure that they will ever look the way I'd like them to, but I'm not giving up yet!

I got yet another book in the mail today from my friend Cortney. "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo. When we were talking about trying to find our way and discover our true purposes she decided I must read it! I can't wait to check it out!

Tackled my bills tonight. I even paid the very questionable $184 electric bill. I'm hoping that I'll have some sort of credit on my next one. I'm going to have to pay my cell phone bill late, since I'm $7 short for that. But, thankfully no other's will be late. I typically pay them as soon as they come in the mail, but this month I just left them in a pile. A habit I don't want to get into. I can't afford to damage my credit rating! I've got to keep it as high as possible because I will have to refinance my home in 4 years, unless I manage to pay it off before then. Yeah right!

So that's the mundane rundown of my day...

Time Out

I propose a challenge to all my little darlings...

Take a "time out." Spend a portion of your day entirely "unplugged." No TV, cell phones, computers, radio...sound. Let your glorious minds detox from our overstimulated world. Turn off the worries, stress, and anxiety. Just be.
Your immediate reaction is: "I can't!" "I've got ______ and _____ and _____, _______, ________ to do, take care of..."

Yes, you can! And you must! You can't take care of anything if you don't take care of yourself. Even five minutes... the time IS there, embrace it!

My Great American Talents

I'm watching America's Got Talent... yeah, I need to get a life. I'm sitting here thinking of what my own magical talents are, and a few things came to mind...

1. Walking into walls.

2. Falling UP stairs.

3. Making my keys disappear.

4. Forgetting which switch turns on which light.

5. Slipping off the treadmill.

6. Forgetting people's names.

7. Running after purse snatchers in high heeled boots.

8. Spilling things on my clothes while on dates.

9. Going on bad dates.

10. Putting my clothes on backwards.

Not sure if any of those would get me in the top ten... so I'll shoot for one more:

Sitting on the couch until my ass hurts.

Two Weeks Notice

Beautiful day today! Hard to believe that it's the middle of September! I was outside in my bikini reading a book! Thought I would get a little color back to my secluded skin and enjoy the weather while it's still warm.

Getting a tan is part of my grand scheme to feel as lovely as possible when my cousin and I go out of town for a show in a couple weeks. It's terrible how much I neglected myself last month. Not a single day of planned exercise... all I can recall doing that was strenuous was hiking with my Uncles, and hauling 50 pound bags of birdseed. And boy... what a difference 30 days makes!

I haven't had a night out with my cousin in a couple years. He was being held hostage by his controlling asshole ex-boyfriend during their torrid relationship. And thank God they have finally parted permanently. So, I'm excited to be seeing him. To be leaving the STATE, and to be going to a great show.

I'd like to shed a few pounds and firm up a little new found flab. Get back to the habit of being a woman. Not having anything to look forward to for five months has led me into becoming a haggardly hermit! The last time I even tried to look "pretty" was for my date with Patrick... and what a waste of makeup that was! This time... I'm going shopping for a new dress, new sexy shoes... getting a fresh hair cut (it's been eight weeks), and celebrating my femininity! I'm bustin' into my emergency money, and damn't, I'm going to feel good about it!

I've managed to work out daily and have upped my torture time to 45 minutes. I'd love to get my treadmill over here and go into a two- hour -techno- trance a few times before we leave, but that would require enlisting the help of a man... unless I can find a way to take it apart. It's currently in the upstairs of my mother's house and it is far too heavy to manage alone. As much as I dislike stationary cardio... I found that I was more able to stay focused on the treadmill. Probably because I'll bust my ass if I don't! I want to look HOT for our adventure in two weeks.

And... if I am going to try to get a job at a Strip Club at the age of 37... I have to bring my "A" game!

Love is in the air...

Love is in the air... and it has been for weeks now. Why have I kept this from you, you ask? Because it is soooooo amazingly beautiful that I don't believe it's happening!


If you will recall, in my previous post, "Incurably In Love," I had mentioned fantasizing about my two entirely inaccessible lovers fighting for my affection. Looks like the possibility of that might not be far off!

I received my mail from Manus on Monday. All the way from Ireland. I found even the envelopes to be romantic... from the "Royal Mail" to his beautiful penmanship. Penmanship that read with sincerity and effort. His first package contained a book, "The Third Policeman" by Flann O'Brien, complete with a dated message penned inside. When I opened the book further... a folded pink note fell out... with a poem he had written, his first, to me and a Dave Matthews CD with the song, "Some Devil" on it. One of the first songs he ever sent me a link to while we chat. The second item was a cute card by Edward Monkton that he had seen while out shopping. It's a silly little thing about biscuits... "biscuit" is one of my many nicknames for Manus. (Biscuit is Irish speak for cookie) Inside, a cute poem he had written to me:

Wrapped in shiny tinsel;
A secret held within;
Chocolate chips upon your lips-
Frosting sticky on your skin.

Crispy coated
Mallow centered
A biscuit to be remembered.

The opposite page said...

"Spotted this Petal,
and thought of you
xxx"

Every bit of what he sent was sincere, full of sentiment, and just plain touching. And I love that he calls me "Petal."

Now back to reality... he lives in Ireland. We've never met in person. Never looked into each other's eyes. Shared a kiss. Held each other... Could we ever be truly in love? Bridge the distance between us?

Time will tell.

In comes "suitor" number two. My "creative friend." We've been exchanging emails for a couple weeks now. They have grown in number and affection. Completely unexpected and unplanned. And again... he's far away. We share silly little poetry written for each other... and sometimes just a battle of "x's and o's." We talk about our struggles, hopes, and dreams... He enjoys my writing and the pictures that I send him and admires my work. Supports my decision to pursue my creative ventures, and when he says he's thinking of me... I just melt.

I'm struggling with my "two timing" behavior, and constantly reminding myself that I am not committed to either man. Add to that the fact that I have never met either of these men in person... so technically, my conscience should be clear. Right now I am trying to simply enjoy what I share with both of them and let fate determine if either or both of them become a more tangible part of my life. Compared to my previous dating experiences... I am in absolute Heaven!

Quote of the day...

Dr. Oz on Oprah today, explaining the growth of a 140 lb tumor...
"Cancer cells are sociopathic. They don't get along with each other. So they are moving around jabbing elbows at each other."

My first thought: sounds like our world today.

I'm not a pessimist by nature... except when it comes to "Corporate America" and taxes... but the reality is that our society has become complacent, indifferent, and self-absorbed. We've encouraged people to be entirely self-seeking, yet we have failed to encourage them to discover who they truly are... to find and honor their true purpose. And, we've failed to follow basic principles of human decency along the way.

So we've filled the streets with people who just spent 10 hours working at a job that can't stand on their way home to a spouse they don't love in the house they can't afford... anger and anxiety neatly packaged in a giant SUV to impress people they don't even like while they complain about the price of gas. Poisoning their soul... and the environment that contains it. Cutting each other off. Flipping each other off. All in a big fat rush to do it all over again in the morning.

This is where the "cancer" begins...

Madam Butterfly

Forgive me for my inability to sort through my brain and focus on posting juicy bits for my beloved readers!

Truth is I am experiencing wealth of emotions... suspended and spinning like a spider from a branch in the wind. As much as I feel committed to the next direction I'm going to take in my "career" life... I have to be honest and say that a little fear has settled in. Have you ever wanted something so bad... and then been equally afraid when you are about to get it? It took an academic counselor at the community college to bring this "fear of Failure" I have to my attention. Now, this took place a good 10 years ago, so I'm afraid my progress in overcoming it is minimal. I've had just about every opportunity I've ever wanted present itself to me... and then somehow managed to run swiftly away from it without being consciously aware of why I was running and where I was running to.

So here I am. Hanging up my running shoes. Without a job, and little money to my name... but an enormity of freedom to pursue my dreams of honoring my creative soul, my only "genius," my only true love... more and more feeling a driving force within telling me to "Go for it!" I may not be as honorable as Jewel and living out of a van... but I've plucked myself clean of meaningless "luxuries" and have just my meager living expenses to tend to. When will this chance come again in my life? Almost every great story about an artist of some form or the other involves a time of struggle and famine. I'm there! So, this is the next logical step... right? Taking that chance. A chance on me. A chance on doing what I've always dreamed of?

Don't think me foolish! I don't expect, nor truthfully care, to be a billion-dollar creative empire. I just want to be me. And being me shouldn't be so scary, now should it? It shouldn't be difficult, crazy, or unwise. It should be the obvious choice.

I'm an absolute "butterfly effect" junkie. Addicted to the beauty of the transformation of people, places and things. Why haven't I allowed myself to blossom, bend and bloom? Can I muster up the courage to come out of my cocoon and spread my wings... to land where life says I should? Give myself permission to be what I am... who I am... without a care in the world of the outcome, or who is standing beside me at the end of my flight?

Momma Knows Best?

So last night... I talked to my mother about what I might do. What everything and everyone is directing me to do. And she was a bit skeptical. But, that's her job, isn't it? We debated, in a friendly way, back and forth for a few minutes, and I think I "won" when I said, "Well if I take a 40-50 hour a week job that I don't truly want in the first place, and go back to school for something that I don't truly want to do... then I am right back where I have been for the last 36 years. That would leave me no time to continue exploring what it took me this long to realize I should be doing."

Can I Hear YOU Now?

Okay... I get it. I GET IT! I really do... and I'm happy to get it, Mr. Upstairs Guy.

I've been riding a wave of contemplation... without a life vest, mind you for the last three days. And over the course of those three days... I've had calls come IN to me from people whom I love and respect and rarely talk to. The odds of them all calling me over the last 72 hours are incalculable...I'm not going to do my usual over-analyze crap... No. This time... I'm going to listen.

Very beautiful things are happening in my life right now... and with each endearing phone call... the choice I need to make in my life becomes that much clearer to me. This time, I'm going to keep my arms and legs inside the cart and all times... sit back; and enjoy the riiiiide.

I'm leaving you with this thought that occurred to me after reading a very poignant message... "New connections are beautiful... they are made for a reason. Don't miss it by trying to figure out what the reason IS... just accept the gift and enjoy what's inside the box." (tooting my own horn... I said that.)

Bettin the Farm...

The rain continues here. Three days straight. I now have a precarious bulge in my bathroom ceiling where the water drips in.

I decided to make the best of it, and conducted a one-woman photo shoot in my backyard. Created some cool shots with a rusty wheelbarrow. Rather enjoyable, despite the dampness. Got some great feedback from a few people and had a nice conversation with my good friend Cortney and my "creative friend" about what direction I should take in my life. So far... it's unanimous.

So... I think I'm going to go for it. I think I'm going to bet the farm on: me.

I've never been so excited in my life... what a ride this will be.

French Class Tardy Queens

My good friend and fellow high school french class tardy queen called this afternoon, and I just feel obligated to share our buffoonery...

While I was discussing my angst towards my ex-coworker who was obviously experiencing permanent psychological damage from not being able to find over-rated and over-priced jeans long enough for her luscious obviously super-model quality legs... Kristin's response was:

"Shouldn't she be more concerned with her fat ass?"

"It's not the jean's fault they don't fit!"

Followed by, her attempt to tell me that she discovered she had a red gas cap, (which she found fascinating), on her truck. She lives in Oregon where all gas stations pump for you. At a loss for the correct term for the cap... and a desire to get to the point

She says, "So, anyway, this guy's behind me pumping my gas hole..."

Priceless, I say. Priceless. I literally almost peed my pants.

Intervention

That's it, boys! I'm holding a mandatory intervention for the entire male species!

I have received yet another drunken declaration! This time from my friend Todd. Todd and I dated when I was 17. Do the math. TWO DECADES ago! He managed to mumble that he has been scared to ask me for months, but would I consider going on a date with him. "A DATE." He exclaimed. Ugh.

Todd's a great guy. I've enjoyed our friendship over the years and he would do anything for anybody. He's helped me with a few things around the house. For a couple leftover slices of pizza.

But, I'm not one who typically goes backwards. Especially not two decades back. We don't have a lot in common. I'm sure he could fill in as a sex partner... but I wouldn't be willing to risk our friendship for a few frolics in the sheets. Hopefully he'll forget this one...

No Wonder Tina Left Ike

I'm nowhere near that damned Hurricane Ike... and he's wrecking havoc here as well. First of all... he's had me watching the news all into the morning. I have had three hours of sleep. Second of all, he's got me wondering if my ex (from Beaumont) and his family is safe. Third... it has rained here since yesterday morning, non-stop, and isn't scheduled to stop until maybe Monday. I've had two crickets in my house, and a pond on the bathroom floor. Looks like I might need a roof much worse than I thought...

And, seriously... I pray for those people.

Last Crazy Thought of The Night...

Another true confession...

In the back of my mind, I've tossed around the idea of trying to find a waitressing or bartending job in a strip joint. Be clear on this... I'm not saying I want to be a STRIPPER. But, I've crunched the numbers and the budget... and I only need to make $1000 a month to make my bills. Yes, folks... I am living the life of a pauper. But who hasn't, for the sake of their passion? Do I seize this opportunity and sacrifice a pinch of dignity for the possibility of supporting a lifelong dream? I could make better cash with more flexible hours... and surely provide you with some extremely entertaining material...

I'd really like some feedback here...

Incurably In Love...

Apparently, all of my "lovers" are drunk tonight... again, the universal drunken confessions of affection...

My "creative friend" and I were engaged in another email marathon... and he confessed to being "a bit tipsy" which turned into requited flirtations... the death of his laptop battery finally put a stop to it. He was emailing me while playing piano at his rehearsal... God that's hot.

And my darling Irish friend has called me again. Not once... but twice. He's told me that he has never written a poem in his life... and the letter I should receive shortly will contain two.

I'm smitten with both of them.

And they are both entirely inaccessible to me. So as I have a soap opera type fantasy of two wonderful men, both incurably in love with me... fighting for my affection... I leave you with this "soundtrack" for the episode:

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=HtTHsBlhdxo&feature=related

My Sex Tape

If I ever acquire a sex life... I think it will go something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN0oDnoc3-c


Fuckin hilarious... and true!

Aye Theenk Aye'm Fahlling...

Ahhhhhhhhh...if only I could record cell phone conversations!

Manus just called me from a wedding reception. He's drunk. And Irish.

Have you ever tried to understand a drunken Irishman? Hell, I can't even understand half of my American friends when they are wasted! I did manage to piece together most of the conversation, yet it was still riddled with a lot of "Huh"s and "What"s?!

I discovered two things. Apparently Jager Bombs and drunken confessions of love are universal. Yes, folks, it happens everywhere... worldwide. Manus declared that he "thinks he's falling in love" with me. I wonder if he'll remember that when he wakes up with a pounding headache!

My Little Gifts of Late...

So many cool things are happening right now! I've had a hard time deciding what and when to post because I've been overwhelmed... in a good way!

I'll start with the practical. My job search has definitely heated up! It took 4 months before I got my first call for an interview, and in the last three weeks I've had 5 calls about jobs. Considering I have 6 weeks left of unemployment, this recent surge in activity couldn't be more appreciated! I also now have the aid of a government program in the works to assist with job placement or tuition towards career training in the works. I'm not out of the financial woods yet, but there is at least a bit of hope.

Next: my Irish pal. Manus called last night. An unexpected surprise. He is really trying to impress upon me how serious he is when he says that he "likes me." He told me he sent me a letter a couple days ago. I am not sure how long it takes mail from Ireland to arrive, but I'm anxious to see what it says! He's a very interesting person and there could be a potential for romance there, however, I am definitely not going to get ahead of myself with this one. I've got to focus my energies on getting a job before my money runs out, not worry about whether I'm going to have an international love affair with an Irishman!

And my new friendship with a person in the creative industry... wow. All I can say, is that when you are completely depressed and feeling like things may never look up... having someone who has "made it" compliment you on your writing and intelligence is beyond words. I just can't settle on one. It is like being rescued. Resuscitated. Having emergency open heart surgery, and surviving. I've been writing to keep a hold of my sanity. To pass the time. To reconnect. To understand. To find myself. To fill a void. To actually hear that anyone likes it... is a gift! And one that I will be forever grateful for, each and every time it is given, no matter who it's from.

I also, finally, got back to working out. I've managed to get 3 workouts in this week already. Considering I worked out 13 times in July and ZERO in August... this is a big achievement. I have a family history of depression, and the cold hard reality of my life right now would make anyone susceptible to depression. So exercise is more of an effort to save my soul, than to have a hot ass. And who doesn't feel a little happier when they know they have a hot ass? So it's a win-win and a must do for me now.

And a source of inspiration for my exercise... I'm going to a big show October 3rd! I decided that I'm going to treat myself to a new outfit for the occasion. My fall/winter wardrobe is pretty sparse and I've been on financial lockdown for FIVE MONTHS! It's time to give myself a little gift for soldiering through my war to survive! And I'm sure it will double as a hopefully needed date ensemble... an investment, I declare!

Most importantly, I must sincerely thank any and all of you who have passed on words of encouragement or praise. You might think I'm getting a little touch-feely other-worldly on you... but one of the truly most precious gifts you can give someone is your time. Add to that your compliments and compassion... and you've given me hope and inspiration. A reason to believe. Keep pluggin along. In a way, you are saving my life, and God bless you for that. Thank you.

The Epic Interview

Had my interview at the roof company today at 11:00 a.m. I had transposed the travel time and the miles, so instead of arriving 10-15 minutes early, I was only 4 minutes early. I about shit once I realized what I did, and hit the gas pedal! My mind was racing! What if I'm late? What if the construction is bad? What if I get pulled over? DAMN'T!!!



Thank God I made it!



The office is in a large warehouse they converted into a showroom. Nice place. Clean and well organized. Filled out the application. Can I tell you how much I HATE filling out applications?! I absolutely, positively, vehemently hate filling out applications. I've filled out over 20 of them in the last eight weeks. I mean, I like myself, but I don't care to write my own name and address 20 times. Nor, my prior work history. It's on my resume kids! So inefficient! What a waste of time, paper and ink!

Anyway... Jim came out and introduced himself. I had been warned that he was a talker, and OH MY GOD can this guy talk! Thankfully, he was rather interesting and personable, so I was oblivious to that fact that my interview took three hours and fifty minutes! That had better count for something! If I get hired, I might add that to my time sheet! Jim and I got along very well and I was quite impressed with a few things:

1. The company is a leader in the industry.

2. The company is rapidly growing.

3. Jim says he's looking for someone smarter than him that isn't afraid to tell him something isn't working.

4. Jim thinks woman are geniuses.

5. My hours and pay would be negotiable.

6. They reward weekly bonuses.

7. Holidays off.

8. "This is an opportunity for someone like yourself to make their own path."

9. "We like to have fun here."

10. The materials are "green," which means sales will increase as "green" building becomes the norm.

Jim had another person show up for an interview. He made a point to tell me that it is for a different position. I'm assuming that was a good sign. I was itching to ask if there was an employee discount offered, since I am definitely in need of a new roof. I thought better of it though! Jim has asked me to call on Monday with any questions I might have and to allow him to get a feel for how my telepone demeanor is. I have to say that I was very surprised with the position and had initially considered not even going to the interview. Now, I have a very open mind about it. Just goes to show that you never know until you give something a chance.

Hurricanes and Gas Pains

It's raining.
It's pouring...
The gas prices are soaring!

Apparently it was reported that gas prices will be climbing up over $5 a gallon while I was in my interview. The speculated reason for the drastic increase is good ol' hurricane Ike. I was alerted of the frenzy by a telephone call from my aunt.

"Did you happen to notice the gas prices in _____?"

"No. I didn't pass a gas station, why?"

"Everybody's freaking out! Gas is up over $5 in _____ and they say it could get up to $6 or more by the weekend. Everybody's lined up everywhere!"

"Well what's going on?" I asked.

"I guess the hurricane... it's crazy."

After we hung up... I began to pass some gas stations. Good Lord!!!! Is this the apocalypse? Are they giving away loaves of bread and good paying jobs with a fill-up? Cars were backed up 20 deep at every station!

5 o'clock news reported a state trooper was directing traffic in front of a gas station just outside of town... and... that the whole craze started with...

a rumor.

Oh... breaking news: the governor is going to hold a press conference regarding the rumor and emphasize the need to conserve gas during the hurricane. I'll support that... and spend the rest of the night on the couch.

Roof Over My Head?

Gooooooooood Morning, boys and girls!! Did everyone finish their homework? Today we are going to learn about the election! We are going to talk about elephants, donkeys, pigs and lipstick...

Whoooops! Woke up on the wacky side of the bed this morning. Can't help myself! Had a nice end to my evening... fell asleep before midnight and woke up at 7:30 a.m. without assistance of an obnoxious alarm clock. On a rainy day, nonetheless!

I'm getting ready to head out for my job interview. I don't even recall applying for this job, but that's what happens when you send out a gazillion resumes, sometimes at 3 in the morning. It's for a management position at a metal roofing company. That's hilarious to me. Almost as hilarious as my job selling shoes as a teenager, back in the days of Al Bundy fame. The girl who called me on the phone was very nice, professional, and even a bit funny... which happens to be my favorite thing that people can be. According to her it is a small place, her and two other girls working there, as well as another manager. They are looking to have someone fill the afternoon and early evening hours. She speculated it would be 2-8 p.m. They are open on Saturdays... YUCK! I'm not crazy about evenings and weekends... I've worked those hours my entire life. Is it too much to ask for a "grown up" job? I call any job that has a schedule of Monday through Friday, 8-5, no weekends or holidays, a grown-up job. And, damn't, I want one!

But...I do need a new roof....

Death Bed?

So I'm not feeling well. Felt a touch of something coming on the last few days. I think the "cooties" finally settled in late last night. Because I have an interview tomorrow morning, I decided it best to rest today.

Apparently I'm dying.

Mother and Auntie Sal (the bitties) are out grocery shopping. I was supposed to join them, but cancelled. They have called me every few minutes to see if I would like regular orange juice, pineapple-orange juice, strawberry-banana-orange juice.... butter with or without canola oil...yogurt... I told them I wasn't dying! But, apparently when you are out of work, and feeling a little weak with sinus pain... you become a high priority charity case. I suspect they will be roaring in the front door within the hour. Hopefully, without a priest!

Communication = Breakdown!

I'm utterly exhausted! Tried desperately to get a post in, however, I was being bombarded with people... good people... but a bit much for a little hermit nouveau like myself! So, in place of a lengthy, babbling, incoherent, rambling post... you will get a synopsis of the day:

1. Dropped off paperwork for job I would like to have.

2. Exchanged emails with my creative friend.

3. Chatted with Manus, my Ireland friend.

4. Got a phone call to schedule an interview for a job I don't remember.

5. Got an email from my "father" who apparently didn't remember I was his kid from 1976-2008. More on that later...

5. Met with Gail about tuition and/or job training for an hour.

6. Had an email marathon with my creative friend.

7. Made arrangements to see a show with my Cousin friend.

8. In pops Manus on the chat...

9. Watching "America's Got Talent"

10. And my aunt is on the phone... for almost two hours. (Items 6, 8, 9, and 10 were occurring simultaneously!)

11. Booked a grocery shopping trip with Two Bitties and a Gimp. (My mom and aunt= bitties, the Gimp is Gloria... she's recovering from knee surgery. I'll be the only shopper under 55.)

11. I'm getting cooties. Started in the throat... now nestling into my sinuses. Wearing a sexy hoodie with the hood on for warmth despite the thermostat reading 67 degrees.

12. It's ten after 4 in the morning!!!!!!!!!!

My oh my do we have lots to talk about!

Got My Mind on My Money and My Money on My Mind

Just returned from delivering information and filling out an application for the position I interviewed over the telephone for on Friday. Patty had asked me to provide a reference from my last position when I came in. I went above and beyond her request and provided her a copy of my cover letter and resume (originally faxed to her), two references from each previous employer, and two personal references... as well as a thank you letter. All printed on the fancy paper and placed in the fancy envelope.

We spoke briefly. She's a very tall woman who seems more reserved in nature. I was speaking to her through the medical office standard glass sliding window, so I didn't get to shake her hand. Upon completing the application I gave my paperwork to a staff member who seemed rather friendly and offered a genuine smile. One of those smiles that makes you feel you are welcome to join the team.

My appointment with Gail for job training/education is at 3:00. I'm hoping that she can help me create a master plan to avert financial disaster and find a career with longevity!

Never in my life did I envision finding a job so damned difficult! I will say, that in an odd way, I'm grateful for the experience. I've learned how to survive with little income, and that I can survive with little income. I've learned how to better hone my budgeting skills, and to never take employment for granted. I will never take food and shelter for granted either. Considering the entire country is enduring uncertain economic times... I will be taking a new approach to my finances.

My new approach will be to pay off any balances remaining on my accounts, and then SAVE SAVE SAVE!!!! I will not spend a cent on home repairs until I have at least 6 months of living expenses saved. I don't ever want to be caught off guard financially again.

Now... if I can just get that job!!!!

Good Morning

Good morning!

I'm up.

Looks like I will make it to the job site... I've already had breakfast and showered! Cross your fingers for me!

Coffee? Tea? Not me...

Don't bother getting out your tea sets people.

Don't knock on the door to ask if Mona can come out and play.

I'm anti-social today. Plain and simple. Almost devoid of thought. However, I must say that I'm not feeling negatively... Perhaps, processing my current circumstances?

My only regret is that I didn't go to the potential job site. Self- sabotage? Well, I can't afford to get an official diagnosis, and I'm not willing to dwell on what I cannot change... so, I'm going to give it another shot tomorrow.

I'm Having CHIPLETS!

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!

Broke down and did the open-close... open-close-open "what's there to eat" thing with the refrigerator and cupboards. I didn't truly want to eat. But, in order to be fair, I took a Ziploc bag of chiplets* (potato chips that did not survive life in the original bag) out of the cupboard and french onion dip out of the fridge. The chiplets made it difficult to totally pig out, and my cats were hovering about for handouts... so I don't think a terrible amount of harm was done to my cholesterol levels, nor the size of my ass. However, a food coma is also unlikely. Damn't!

*I, Mona Lake, officially take claim over the word "chiplets" and any variations of this word. If you are going to use the word chiplet, you must donate $5. After donating this $5, you are free to use the word chiplet as you will... Your donation will ultimately result in the creation and purchase of more chiplets, and therefore support the existence of both Mona Lake, and the chiplets themselves!

My Watched Pot is Always Boiling!

I managed to do it. I've picked myself up off the ground... a bit. I'm not sure that I have a firm footing, but I'm certainly not as low as I was Saturday and Sunday. Progress. Progress.

How did I manage? An emergency visit from a therapist?

Well... every time I found myself forcing too many thoughts or pressures on my brain... I reminded myself to focus on what I was doing and let go of the rest. Sounds simple, right? For some reason, it isn't for me. For example: once I had decided to work out, I kept watching the clock and began to boil water for the spaghetti I was going to fix. I had tried to light the stove with no luck. Oh yeah, I unplugged it to retaliate against the electric company. Plug in the stove, begin boiling water. Get back to jumping and flapping around the house. Wait! If I boil water now, I'll over cook the spaghetti while I'm in the shower. If I get in the shower after I finish my thirty minutes of self-inflicted physical abuse, I'll miss the six o'clock news. Fine. I'll miss the news. Makes no sense to have the water boiling now. Turn off the stove. I live alone, and have nothing else to worry about for heaven's sake. What is the problem here?

Anyway. I managed to take a relaxing shower to the soundtrack of the Chill Channel on Sirius satellite radio. Instead of rushing into the kitchen to the damned pot of water... I reminded myself... of myself. I needed lotion! My skin had become dry and weary. It's the largest organ of our human bodies, and, the container of the mess that is me. I think it's time to pay attention to it.

The exercise, despite the pulled groin, and shower, despite the fear of a water bill I might not be able to pay, got me moving in the right direction. Followed by a home cooked batch of spaghetti I decided I was worth the effort of making... and I'm feeling better. Added bonus: a phone call from my friend Alicia.

I had done something I swore I would never do. I had left Alicia a message asking her for advice or assistance in nailing a job at the non-profit she herself had just gotten hired into. I had done the ground work. Customized the resume (on the fancy paper) and cover letter (again on the fancy paper), put them in the fancy envelope and delivered it in person. I didn't want to stoop to soliciting help getting a job... but desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, from what I know... in the non-profit sector... they tend to stick to those who are connected. I apologized to her for asking her to pull some strings, and she thought nothing of it. "Anyone would be blessed to have you on their team. If I had a company of my own, you'd be the first person I would hire." Ohhhh if I had a job for every time I have heard that! Alicia had sent an email to a contact she had shared coffee with, the only contact she had direct information for.

Alicia's ego stroke and listening ear helped me rise a bit higher. I actually expressed my feelings of despair and looming desperation outloud. Yes, my voice was quivery... and yes, I hate that. But, I needed to talk about it. She's been in my shoes... for very different reasons, but she may know struggle more intimately than any of my friends. Because of that, I respect her thoughts, even if I don't agree with them all of the time. I've once again been reminded of the power of friendship. And for that, I'm grateful.

Brain vs. Body

"Hello, Body, how have you been?"

"Well, I've had better days. My Brain has kept me holed up in the house and fed me nothing but brownies or chips and queso. However, I have become more 'well-rounded' as a result."

"Really? That's terrible. Perhaps you would enjoy a little exercise?"

"Perhaps! That 'Brain' has been acting up again. So stubborn and melancholy lately!"

So the great "Brain" decides to talk the body into exercising. Body seems thrilled. Brain does too. Eight minutes later, Body has a pulled groin. Body is "yelling" at Brain. Brain ignores Body and keeps making Body move around.

Brain feels better. Body, though sore, feels strangely rejuvenated.

In a display of gratitude, Brain takes Body for a dimly-lit, much needed, and warm shower as a slight breeze flirts with the shower curtain.

Body forgives Brain.

An Interesting Read...

http://people.howstuffworks.com/mad-genius.htm

Thought I would share this article with the masses, as I have long theorized that our greatest contributors of art and science have been at least "different" if not considered "mad."

Take note of the discussion of "latent inhibition." I've attempted to explain this to people most of my life. This is why my mind has trouble remembering isolated facts or things of unimportance (in my mind's opinion of course). I tend to remember things in the whole, as experiences.

So, maybe I AM truly mad?!