More. Cancer.

Mom got her pathology reports back today. And... there's more cancer.

Damn't.

After all of these surgeries, and a hopeful report back from the surgeon, it looks like the thing we feared most, chemotherapy, is next on this terrible journey. Not that there ever is a good time for chemotherapy, but my brother just accepted a job out of state. Having him living with her through all of this has been a major factor in my surviving this ordeal.

The cancer is in fact in her lymph nodes, so the doctors have decided she needs "sandwich therapy" which involves chemotherapy, radiation, and then more chemotherapy. Mom's just not the healthiest person, cancer aside, and this whole chemo thing just scares the shit out of me, frankly.

I don't know what this means for any of us and of course I'm not happy with the news. I barely made it through this last surgery without losing my mind. I can't imagine months of vomiting, hair loss, pale skin and test results that seem to take forever.

Am I strong enough?

Is she strong enough?

Troubled Waters. Where's the bridge?!

I'm officially submerged in the troubled waters of cancer, trying to make a relationship work and seriously failing, fielding calls and emails... trying to act like everything is okay when I really just want to cry and perhaps kill people. Well... I know I don't want to kill people, but the thought of having one less person to lie to and say I'm "okay" sure is appealing.

My was-boyfriend, now who-knows-what-the-fuck-but-I-think-we-broke-up guy was champ enough to meet me today so I could re-hash our disastrous Opening Day excursion with 17 of his friends and family that somehow still managed to say they all liked me even though I was seething mad at him by the end of the night.

Boy do I hide things well.

Anyway, I couldn't eat dinner despite only surviving on an orange for the entire day at work and finally asked him to have my food wrapped while I stepped out to avoid crying in public. We then went to the river's edge and I did the unthinkable (for me) and told him everything that had been weighing so heavily on my soul... complete with tears and strange gurgling sounds from my very upset stomach.

"You're not going to throw up are you?"

Thank God I didn't.

Mom's 6th surgery is tomorrow at 2 and I'm praying for her life and my sanity that this is the end of this whole life-isn't-fair-and-cancer-sucks chapter in our lives. I'm at my breaking point. I can't hide it anymore and I just really do need to be "okay..." if only for a day. If only for a day...