Waiting. Room?

I'm here at the cancer center watching mother somehow rest peacefully while poison slithers through her veins. There's a strangely calming silence in a chemotherapy treatment room and many telling smiles are exchanged amongst strangers here. There is no need for explanation... no small talk...no curiosity. We are all here because someone we love has cancer and it really fucking sucks.

In a weird sort of way, it's comforting.

Mom seems to be doing much better than I am. Either she's hiding it well or she isn't half as scared as I am. She's fighting cancer... I'm fighting the urge to cry. "Be strong. Just be strong," I keep telling myself. She can't know I'm afraid. Can't know that life without her hardly seems like a life worth living. She can't know that I'd happily stop everything I'm doing and spend every waking moment getting her through this if I could... because I can't make that happen. But oh, oh, do I want to.

During our time here, I have managed to lure my very selfish cousin up to visit mom, as well as pick a fight with my "boyfriend." I decided it was wrong for him not to be more interested and supportive today, without actually telling him. Then I did tell him (via text) and decided he wasn't responding the way I want him to. Sabotage? Probably. But, mom's treatment is going to go on for at least six months and if he's really in this... really trying to be a part of my life... well... he's going to have to try harder. I tend to think it's a much lonelier feeling to have people in your life (that are supposed to care) fail you, that it might just be easier to literally be alone in the first place. Why wouldn't he offer to be here? I certainly would have and I also wouldn't have been totally focused on "golf weekend." No, I'm not a man, so perhaps I simply can't understand... but when I think of the family I have and the family I want... golf clubs don't come before hard times.

The "boyfriend" initially mentioned we'd see each other Wednesday. I hadn't even had the chance to tell him I had a work event that night. He also said we'd see each other this coming Sunday. But last night, he mentioned he'd be tired on Monday so Tuesday would be better. Really? He doesn't plan on seeing me for nine days? I work full time, and am here with mom during chemo and this unemployed schmuck can't manage to see me for nine days?! HE'S going to be too tired?!

Tempted. I'm tempted to dump him. Maybe he needs room. Maybe I do. Maybe he needs to see what nine days are like without me... maybe without any contact at all. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe I'm just acting out because I'm scared as hell and I feel like no one can understand or find the right thing to say. Maybe I watched too many movies and expect life to be more than what it truly can... Maybe I'm expecting too much? Or not enough...

Crazy Little Thing Called... Life

Tomorrow is mom's first visit with the oncologist for lifelong cancer battle #3, current battle #2. This is step 1 in determining the schedule of her chemotherapy to fight the cancer they have found in her lymph nodes.

Step 1 in my own official freak out.

So much has been happening. So many things that grab you by the heart in one hand, and the brain in the other, squeezing tightly to see which one cries "Uncle!" first. Last week, I was unexpectedly asked to run for office. (Please envision whatever facial expression best communicates "What the fuck?!" to you now.) Being one of those seemingly delusional people that actually believes you can change the world... I was flattered, thrilled, and ready.

However, after a brief courtship with mythical opportunity and many secret meetings reminiscent of bat caves and kryptonite... reality, my love for my mother and cancer punched me right in my frontal lobe. As it should have.

The very thought of not being there for my mother... not being there if things got bad, or really bad, was absolutely horrifying me. I could not sleep. I was already guilty of the unthinkable for thinking. And I really mean guilty.

My mom is my world... and my world is being threatened. Like a classic game of battleship... life was trying to outwit me. Trying to distract me and weaken my strategy to survive. My strategy to get my mom to survive.

I was neglecting myself... my own life... my mother's life... the simple things that bring me the most joy. Oh this thing, this crazy little thing we call life.

More. Cancer.

Mom got her pathology reports back today. And... there's more cancer.

Damn't.

After all of these surgeries, and a hopeful report back from the surgeon, it looks like the thing we feared most, chemotherapy, is next on this terrible journey. Not that there ever is a good time for chemotherapy, but my brother just accepted a job out of state. Having him living with her through all of this has been a major factor in my surviving this ordeal.

The cancer is in fact in her lymph nodes, so the doctors have decided she needs "sandwich therapy" which involves chemotherapy, radiation, and then more chemotherapy. Mom's just not the healthiest person, cancer aside, and this whole chemo thing just scares the shit out of me, frankly.

I don't know what this means for any of us and of course I'm not happy with the news. I barely made it through this last surgery without losing my mind. I can't imagine months of vomiting, hair loss, pale skin and test results that seem to take forever.

Am I strong enough?

Is she strong enough?

Troubled Waters. Where's the bridge?!

I'm officially submerged in the troubled waters of cancer, trying to make a relationship work and seriously failing, fielding calls and emails... trying to act like everything is okay when I really just want to cry and perhaps kill people. Well... I know I don't want to kill people, but the thought of having one less person to lie to and say I'm "okay" sure is appealing.

My was-boyfriend, now who-knows-what-the-fuck-but-I-think-we-broke-up guy was champ enough to meet me today so I could re-hash our disastrous Opening Day excursion with 17 of his friends and family that somehow still managed to say they all liked me even though I was seething mad at him by the end of the night.

Boy do I hide things well.

Anyway, I couldn't eat dinner despite only surviving on an orange for the entire day at work and finally asked him to have my food wrapped while I stepped out to avoid crying in public. We then went to the river's edge and I did the unthinkable (for me) and told him everything that had been weighing so heavily on my soul... complete with tears and strange gurgling sounds from my very upset stomach.

"You're not going to throw up are you?"

Thank God I didn't.

Mom's 6th surgery is tomorrow at 2 and I'm praying for her life and my sanity that this is the end of this whole life-isn't-fair-and-cancer-sucks chapter in our lives. I'm at my breaking point. I can't hide it anymore and I just really do need to be "okay..." if only for a day. If only for a day...

Fighting

So much fighting these days! Mom's already fighting breast cancer and now the latest discovery: she has uterine cancer to fight as well. During our all day stay at the "prestigious" hospital, I fought with the nurse...

I've been fighting the urge to break under the pressure. I've been fighting fatigue. Fighting my house that doesn't want to stay organized while I fight all these fights. Fighting with my boss. Fighting with my missing socks. Fighting to find time for myself. Fighting my gut instinct that my wanted-to-be-exclusive guy is a schmuck because maybe it's really me... That resulted in a fight through texting.

I thought I was a lover not a fighter. Wait. I AM a lover not a fighter. What the hell has happened here?

It's Complicated. And bullshit too! (A rant...)

• I've been on the treadmill doing extensive cardio FIVE DAYS A WEEK and now weigh the same as I did when I started...
• My mom had exploratory surgery Monday and she now has MORE cancer, different cancer...
• I barely slept
• My boss pissed me off
• I'm premenstrual
• My 5 date guy was on a date with someone else tonight, which he's entitled to, but I didn't like it
• I don't know what to do about the not liking it
• I hate bitching!

Time. Change.

This morning was my first morning of daylight savings time. I had forgotten all about it, so when I woke up with my alarm clock on the left reading 8:52, and the cable box clock to the right reading 9:52... I momentarily thought my bed was in fact the Twilight Zone!

My second date guy sent me his usual early-riser text message, and woke me up. I wasn't excited about that because today was one of those rainy-my-bed-feels-like-heaven-and-I'll-just-sleep-off-the-hunger days so I waited an hour then texted back saying, "I think whomever wakes me up should have to feed me breakfast." Wouldn't you know, he wanted to take me out for breakfast. Now I've gone and done it. I have to comb my hair!

This guy had been a champ about trying to get a third date with me but I was riddled with a terrible toothache and no hope for a dentist appointment until the 22nd. Fully aware of my pain-induced lack of charm, and flat out crabbiness, I thought it best to postpone our next meeting. Thankfully, I was able to score some antibiotics from a desperate visit to the med service clinic and was pain free... out of excuses not to see him again.

We met in our almost-usual small town which is the middle ground between our homes. He took me to a nice restaurant full of Sunday Best dressed church goers. Behind us sat a family with two adorable little girls, one who was not so happy to be trapped in a high chair and began wailing rather loudly. I caught myself awaiting his reaction. Examining his ability to deal with crying children. What the hell has happened to me? Am I seriously considering motherhood?!

Previous self-evaluation, and long-winded conversations with my also significant other challenged friend, led me to understand that I am not very familiar with emotionally available people. Especially in romantic relationships. This guy just keeps upping the ante on me and I've definitely struggled with it a bit. A little bit. But... I have (secretly) struggled.

Speaking of struggling, the weight war is in full force! Our original office weight loss deadline is March 29th and there has been talk of an extension since none of us have had remarkable success. Since the treadmill is back in my possession... I have been on it nearly every day. Late this afternoon, I actually worked out for 60 minutes and according to the display, I burned 571 calories. There is hope that I won't wake up with my french toast breakfast visibly attached to my thighs! I don't want to be a quitter. A sell out. A cheat. I want to stick to my original, what I thought was easy, goal. That means I have 14 days to lose about 9 pounds... oh shit!

Woes. And me.

Tomorrow is my big second date, and, as usual, I'm freaking out about what I'm going to wear. It's not for a lack of clothes, it's for a lack of jeans that fit. We are going to dinner and then bowling which means I should be wearing jeans. It's my own fault. He offered other options that wouldn't require me to sift through a sea of denim only to find that I have two choices: a dressy full leg pair that only looks nice with heels, or, my "fat" jeans from two years ago. Damn't!

Adding insult to injury, I plugged my info into an ideal weight calculator and the results were brutal. I'm 15.4 pounds overweight. I realize I'm heavier than I was, but it's really hard to wrap your head around when you are small and overweight. I'm cursed with a small frame that makes people not understand that I am actually overweight. If I could just fit into a pair of jeans and feel good about it, I wouldn't care, but that's clearly not the case.

I've decided it's time to risk serious injury and haul the treadmill from the upstairs of my mother's house over into mine. Since my brother is around, I'll have some help and I simply have to act fast! The March 29 weight loss deadline is swiftly approaching... and dating would be a lot easier with the added confidence a more fit body would give me.

Tomorrow morning I'm having breakfast with my old boss and long-time friend, tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner, and I'm going out to dinner Sunday too. I hope the treadmill can survive the necessary abuse!

Round Two?

Mr. Sunday guy called early this evening to set up our second date. Yes, I said second date. I've got to tell ya this guy gets some serious bonus points for attentiveness. He paid enough attention to my profile to choose a Mexican restaurant for our first meeting... and this time... he had actually researched events at two different art museums. I love Mexican food; and I love art.

Huh?

Is this guy for real?

Well after much debate, we decided to keep it simple and just have dinner again. It's still very much winter around here and any community events that sound fun are about three hours away. That's a long car ride if someone gets on the other's nerves... I don't expect that to happen, I'm just sayin'.

So it's on. Saturday. Five o'clock.

Along with the usual new-date-dilemmas, like what the hell do I wear, I caught myself wondering if kissing on the second date is a good or bad idea. I have not even kissed a boy in four months. Four months. Are ya kiddin' me?

Lunch guy has been messaging me regularly, but has yet to set the second date. We just went out yesterday, so he definitely has some leeway there.

My co-workers husband is even in on this whole find-Mona-a-man quest and has decided his co-worker, a pipe fitter, would be a good match for me. A pipe fitter. Oh so many filthy jokes I have for that one...

Murphy's Laws of Dating

Today was the big lunch date. A first date. During my lunch break. During the work day. I thought the hardest part would be figure out what business casual outfit would pass for flirtatious without making me look like an office whore. Wrong.

• I woke up early, but somehow found myself short on time and feeling rushed.
• My cat had puked all over the hallway, on the freshly shampooed carpets no less.
• Despite a valiant effort to wear my hair down, it looked like shit so I put it in a ponytail. A complete waste of 30 minutes.
• I went into a panic because I couldn't find my keys and we had a meeting first thing. They were still in the door.
• The meeting I was in such a rush for, wound up starting an hour late.
• While I was waiting for the meeting I noticed I had cat puke on the bottom of my shoe.
• The late meeting ran late and I didn't have time to try and salvage my hair
• Some weird dude in a red car might have been trying to kidnap me on the walk to the restaurant.
• I was 8 minutes early... my date was 30 minutes late...

And the grand finale:

• I decided to get a car wash on my way home. Put the money in the machine, start pulling forward... and ooops... looks like my window is off track and won't go back up.

As far at the actual date goes, he was attractive, personable and seemingly normal. He was coming in from out of town, hadn't been here before, and was messaging me the entire time he was lost, so I'll give him a pass for the tardiness this time. As we were leaving, he said the same thing as Sunday guy, "I hope we can do it again sometime," and he followed with a "Thanks for the great company" text. He may very well have made it to the next round...

Woah people! That's two in a row! Bringing the second date worthy stat to 33%...

A Good Date? Really?!

Went on my Sunday date. The results are in:

I might just go on my first second date since entering the online dating arena!

Woah!

This guy was the first I had gone out with without excessive amounts of emailing. In fact, I didn't even know what he did for a living, and I must say, this is the way to go. If you get wrapped up in too much messaging, you miss out on the "natural" ways of getting to know each other and go into a date with all of these preconceived notions and expectations.

He was cute. We had similar life experiences. He has never been married and has no children and he mentioned that he wants to get married and have kids. Hmmm.

He did seem to be a little nervous. I was his first online date. Apparently, his family has been pressuring him to get dating and his sister in law actually signed him up to the dating site. We had good conversation, and parted with a hug.

"I hope we can do this again sometime," he said.

I hope we can too.

Me, Myself, and Why

It's Saturday night again! Theoretically, I should be on a date, however, I opted to stay home tonight. Why? Because I'm the kind of girl that enjoys peaceful evenings at home... yet another contributing factor to my never-ending singlehood.

Today was just a great day! Simple and great. I slept in. Cooked myself some eggs over easy, toast, and made some fresh ground coffee. The fresh ground coffee indulgence resulted from my train trip and the great date that went nowhere. So again, all was not lost by taking the risk and later receiving a "Dear Jane" email. The "good" guy works for a well known bakery that has it's own coffee line so I picked up a couple bags of beans, and later, a coffee bean grinder, and I've been in coffee heaven ever since!

Later, I went to care for Chester. I was happy to find him awake and watching his beloved basketball intently. He spoke for the first time in months! I got him some A&W Root Beer and some Junior Mints, both of which he helped himself to. I try to encourage him to use his mind since he is unable to move about on his own, so these small feats are very encouraging.

When I arrived home, I made a meat loaf with red peppers, black beans, red onions, and corn. Absolutely delicious it was! Not only did I enjoy eating it, I enjoyed the confidence that some day, I will cook the same thing for someone special, and they will enjoy it too.

Tonight, I committed to meeting an online suitor for dinner in the town I was born in. It's half way for both of us. We haven't chatted an awful lot, so perhaps, this experience will be more exciting because we'll be getting to know each other in person instead of over the wireless waves. I also booked a lunch date with another fellow on Tuesday. We have spoken several times... Sunday's guy is single with no children. Tuesday's guy is divorced with three. We'll see how it goes!

The Fox Hole

I'm back from my date...

I have to say he was cuter than expected, which has been the case for my last three online dates. Not a bad thing, except the rest of the good date goodies seemed to be missing. This fella appeared to be super nervous, was totally unfamiliar with sushi and chopsticks, and told some tales that seemed a bit tall.

Me... I felt pretty, and I was completely comfortable, unlike I felt last week. I kept thinking that if I just would have stuck with my standard ponytail and worn this outfit last week,that maybe things with the good guy would have gone better. But yes, that's a trap, and I'm trying not to fall into it.

Unlike the reported lack of chemistry from Mr. Last Week, this guy not only praised me, he said I looked like Megan Fox(right photo)! I have little clue who the hell she is, but I do know that she has been the "it" girl for men to dream about and rumor has it she is taking Angelina Jolie's Goddess throne. I'm not going to say I'm mad about him saying that, but I will say I'm more inclined to believe he said it in the hopes of winning me over. Considering my girlfriend just yesterday said that when she saw me last summer I reminded her of Jeneane Garofalo (left photo)... I'm gonna guess this guy was hoping flattery would make my skirt fall off.

I can say the food was absolutely amazing and there were many handsome men about town, but, for me, this date, well, it wasn't hot. Seems to be a nice guy, but not for me. So here I sit, in my cute skirt, camisole and cashmere cardigan, typing to mysterious strangers on a Saturday night...

Ah the single life.

Out There

Out there. I'm getting out there!

This morning the sun actually visited my windowsills, and I felt ready to get out there and seize the day! Or clean every nook and cranny of my house, reorganizing everything in sight! For some, that's an easy choice, but for me, that is one serious dilemma. You see, I've spent so much time in my house as a result of the stint of unemployment, mom's cancer, and just plain freezing cold weather, that sometimes leaving seems like too much of a hassle.

But, today, I chose to get out and drove off into the country to give one of my freelance design clients a consultation. She bought a glorious old farmhouse and has gutted it. Now, she is seeking my trusted advice on how to begin finishing walls, trim, and the other magical details that make a home a home. The drive itself was satisfying...

Once I returned to the city, I stopped by Walgreen's to pick up supplies for my impulse decision to wax my upper lip. "Blessed" with a thin blond mustache, I thought I would cave in to social pressure and wax that sucker off. No one has ever really pointed it out, and I'm not sure anyone will even notice that it's gone, but I'll be honest in saying that I rid myself of it just in case it is the one silly thing between me and Mr. Right. Stupid? Perhaps... but let me tell you the pain served well as punishment if it was indeed ignorant. OUCH!

So... feeling an itch to get out and dreaming about sushi, I have committed to a last minute date with a man that has been messaging me for weeks. He seems to have a good personality, but the physical attraction level will remain to be seen. He might have an odd love for studly sunglasses and weird unbuttoned, button down shirts that I don't necessarily share a fondness for... but... I'm willing to give it a try.

I'm meeting him in a town that is a half an hour away at a new sushi restaurant I haven't been to yet. Oh am I ever craving some sushi and wasabi! I've worn jeans on every date thus far, so I think I'll mix it up with a skirt tonight. But, I'm skipping the overdone hair that I feel may have turned off my "good guy" from last week and probably opting for my ponytail. For those of you who have seen the movie "The Ugly Truth," there is a part where Girard Butler tells her that a woman should never wear a ponytail unless she's cleaning a toilet or changing the cat litter... that men don't like it. Well, I really think my Audrey Hepburnish ponytail is cute and sexy... and it's me. So screw him!

We'll see how that works for me....

Great Date- 1 Love Connection- none

Well... just as I suspected, my good guy date wasn't feeling the chemistry. Being the good guy he is, he sent me a nice email confessing so. I hadn't felt any butterflies or tingles either, but, I was willing to go out with him a few times and see if he wasn't just one of those people that become irresistible once you truly know them. My theory was that since what I have been doing for years hasn't worked yet... that I ought try new approaches.

When I had first looked at his photo, I almost clicked right past him, but I took the time to read what he wrote and decided I would give it a go... He had mentioned that he pondered whether or not to contact me for a week... so I believe he was experimenting with being open to those who aren't his "type" as well.

I did enjoy the entire experience so it was worth the risk. He mentioned a future friendship, which would be lovely. Regardless, I have no regrets.

Unfortunately, I haven't come across too many new potential suitors, so as of today, I have no dates on the week's agenda. But this experience has taught me to change my approach and skip all of the time consuming electronic banter. Instead, I'll find out the important stuff, set up a meeting, and move on if the sparks aren't there. Funny how a gal who is so passionate about efficiency got so tangled up in wasting time!

Bad Boys - 0 Good Guys- 1

Congratulations, all you good guys out there! One of your representatives showed me a fabulous time this weekend, without showing me his, well, you know.

He was on time to pick me up from the station, opened doors, treated me to a delicious meal in a swanky restaurant, engaged well in conversation, never checked/used his phone, made zero attempts to violate my person, and was a very gracious host.

My only complaint is that having not encountered a gentleman in such a long time, I am a little unsure as to whether he was "in to me" or not. An older male friend of mine reprimanded me for thinking a man would NOT be in to me. Flattering... but I'm very aware that I'm not every man's cup of tea. He has told me that he's more of an introvert, so shyness is also a possibility. Regardless of whether he was interested in me or attracted to me, I had a great time, and I hope that he enjoyed himself as well.

The train ride was an absolute joy. Taking in the passing scenery through the rail car window was very soothing, as was the elimination of worry regarding traffic or directions. His home and neighborhood have a distinct historical charm. Downtown was aglow with tiny white lights in the branches lining the streets. Breakfast this morning was equally delicious and beautiful. The train ride home seemed to simply go too fast...

When I returned home, I was sure to write him a thank you with a subtle hint that I'm interested. I listed the "highlights" of my trip, which he had asked me about in person at the station this afternoon. Of course, I retreated into shy mode and generalized my gratitude. This thank you email included a more specific list of the highlights, including commenting him on his eyes. Not too mushy or gushy. Just a hint of flirtation...

Oh GR8 Pre-Date

Tomorrow is my big adventure by train for a first date in an eastern town... and I had been looking forward to it all week... until today. Even though I earlier weighed in a loss of four pounds for the week, I now bear the bloated burden of womanhood with a bonus case of moodiness.

Yesterday, I was the only person in the office until 10:00 a.m. Secretly, I was a little peeved because my co-workers didn't feel the need to report their delays and months ago I was reminded how important that was to do when I accidentally left a message on the wrong phone extension informing the staff of my own delay. You know, those rules that apply to you, but no one else that get on your last nerve. Anyway, after working all day, I went straight to Chester's so his wife, son and daughter in law could go to dinner, and immediately after that, I went to a city meeting to give a presentation for work. It was one long fucking day.

Of course, last night I slept poorly and when the alarm went off I was not thrilled. But, it was Friday, which meant I could get away with wearing jeans and a sweater, so I skipped all of the usual fuss and threw my hair into a ponytail. Morning routine time total: 20 minutes.

Continuing my crabbiness was morning traffic that included being stuck behind the I-don't-need-to-clean-snow-off-my-windows guy that weaves in and out of lanes blindly. After arriving at the office, I checked my email to see if a week long dispute over items I had ordered to have before my date weekend had been resolved, or even replied to. It hadn't.

Okay, now I am officially pissed off.

I spent over an hour, being transferred to and speaking with four different people, only to be put on the hold that really means you've been hung up on. I called back asking to speak with the person I was supposed to have been transferred to and again, the "please hold" oops-we-hung-up-on you thing.

Fucking pissed off.

Trying to defuse my anger, I attempted the old breathe deep thing while playing a song that usually makes me happy. I managed not to explode, however, the song did fail to bring me any short-term joy. Shortly thereafter, my co-worker attempted to resolve a similar three week long work-related situation. During her voicemail, she threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau.

"You go girl!" I said excitedly. "Don't put up with that crap. What is it with businesses these days... in an economy like this?!"

"I know! It's bullshit!" she replied.

Simultaneously, we searched our computers for the Better Business Bureau site, gleefully hunting for complaint records. Finding comfort in our mutual misery, my spirits lifted. But I had so much work to do...

I managed to escape the office an hour early... which was an hour past my intended departure time. I was on the hunt for a date outfit (read jeans that actually fit), travel toothpaste, a good book to read on the train, and an overnight bag. On my way into a store, a man with his family smiled and nodded. As I went to say hello, I accidentally swallowed my gum!!

Finally! I'm smiling! Laughing! Who swallows gum at 38 years old?! I walked through the aisles giggling to myself as I noticed the minty taste at the back of my throat and thought about the bizarre (yet untrue) consequences parents tell you result from swallowing gum when you're a little kid.

For the most part, I found what I was looking for, and since the gum incident, I have been in a more pleasant mood. I did forget to stop at the library to get my book, but I'm going to my mom's to pluck one off her bookcase. Surely it will have that oddly pleasant "old book smell" and it's yellowed pages will add a touch of charm suitable to an afternoon train ride. I've started packing my bag and soon will paint my nails... beginning the tedious grooming rituals us women go through for our first dates.

I hope to sleep well, have a pleasant morning, and look smashing when I depart for the depot...

(to be continued...)

Gains, Trains, and Automobiles...

As I was losing excitement about dating, it seems I was gaining a little weight. Hardly the plan I agreed to with my co-workers, yes, I have gained 1 1/2 pounds since Superbowl Sunday. More accurately, I gained 1 1/2 pounds ON Superbowl Sunday. This small setback is not a complete disaster, but it is a source of frustration, considering I worked out 6 days out of 7 that week. And wouldn't it be nice to be able to comfortably slip into my "cute" jeans, instead of wrestling them over my now-rounder thighs, only to find the sight of these once cute jeans vacuum packed onto my ass slightly disturbing?

I'll admit that I have been tempted to temporarily postpone dating until I fit into those damn jeans again... but I'm just not that out of shape and I can't continue to allow myself to find reasons not to pursue romance in my life. It's truly an issue of finding something that fits properly and is season appropriate (we're buried in snow here) that makes you feel capable of attracting the opposite sex. If I were going to a business meeting... I'd have no qualms about it. 98% of my winter wardrobe is compiled of "work" clothes. The other 2%? Yeah, that's the shit that doesn't fit.

Disregarding our city-shutdown snowstorm, my ill-fitting clothes, and those ever-present first online date anxieties, I decided to take a risk for once. I just bought round-tip train tickets for this coming weekend so I can meet this fellow I've been corresponding with for a few weeks.

What?! Have I lost my bloody mind?

I've never ridden a train. I've never met this man. I've never ridden a train to meet a man I've never met! But, I've always wanted to ride a train, and I've always wanted to meet a nice man... so now I've gone and done it! What the hell I say. I think. By taking the train, I'll be trying something new, and I won't have to worry about bad roads, car accidents, or getting lost. I've ridden the subways in New York and the Metro in Paris... but never an "old school" rail car. The fellow is rather interesting to me: a nice mix of intelligence, humor, and creative drive. Our conversations have been mostly intellectual and have never included discussions of boobs, nor has he audibly urinated on the phone. Our date could be a little strange because it falls on Valentine's Day weekend and we are likely to be surrounded by googly-eyed lovebirds feeding each other cake with red frosting, but I think I'll take that over spending another "romantic" holiday alone, where it's safe, and boring.

Let it Be Known...

Let it be known that I do not have any intentions of going out with Wizzer again! There should be no confusion there. I wasn't terribly impressed with his behavior before his blatant disregard for human decency.

I'd like to point out that online dating is a daunting adventure and one could easily become jaded as a result of such repulsive experiences... Online dating sites are a literal paradise for perverts and predators seeking lonely, vulnerable women lacking self-esteem. And by predators, I don't necessarily mean rapists or murderers, I mean any man who seeks to take advantage of someone who is easily taken advantage of. Instead of being discouraged, I see these experiences as powerful reminders to honor and respect yourself and make the existence of that honor and respect a mandatory prerequisite. Don't start dating, especially seeking a relationship online, until you are of sound mind!

Are all the men on online dating sites shameless jerks looking to violate women? NO! But, you have to set healthy boundaries that don't allow the ones that are to put themselves in a position to violate your moral or physical makeup. It takes work.

I recently read an article about a woman who went on 100 dates in one year before she met the man she eventually married. I can tell you right now that I'm not likely to replicate that mission. That's 2 dates a week! How utterly exhausting! I've gone on two dates in three months... granted I had more serious things to worry about, like keeping my job and mom's cancer. Regardless, I'd rather do my best to make sure I don't have to meet another Wizzer than focus on scheduling 98 more dates before the end of the year. I still believe less is more.


Online dating isn't fun, but for those of us who work and don't wish to spend our evenings trying not to fall off a bar stool while we attempt to determine if there are actually two incredibly handsome identical twins in front of us or we've just had way too much to drink... it's a necessary evil.

The Money Shot... I Think Not!

Okay... brace yourselves...

Wiz Man calls Friday, only after I said, for the upteenth time, that texting is not my thing. The conversation was fine at first. He wanted to know if i were free Saturday or Sunday for a second date. Then something went terribly, terribly wrong:

"Send me a picture of your boobs. Full frontal."

What the hell?!! Hell no!

Gratuitously, I reminded him that such behavior would be inappropriate, and refrained from cussing him out. I mentioned something about boundaries and he redirected the discussion, briefly.

"Okay. I've got to go in a minute, but let's play a little Q&A for a minute." He said.

He asked some routine-ish questions, as did I, all the while wondering what the hell this guy was really up to. And I soon got the answer to that question, without even having to ask:

"Sooooooo," he says, "spit or swallow?"

How about a kiss... as in kiss my ass, pervert!!

There ya have it. Proof positive that this guy is a definite no go. Just a definite NO all around.

UpDATE: Wizzer

Well, my fellow female friends, I hate to tell you this, but I went ahead and went out with wishy-washy Wizzer last night. I couldn't get my situation to post Wednesday night because of some terrible wireless internet issue... so your appreciated advice did not arrive in time to stop me. And as much as I agree with what you have said... I have to say that I don't regret going out with him, and here are a few reasons why:

• My social encounters over the last couple weeks involved going to the hospital for mother's surgery, putting together a cabinet with my brother, and helping prepare and serve food for grieving friends and family of a dead person I didn't even know.
• I haven't travelled more than ten miles away from home since the end of last year.
• I spent over $400 at Victoria's Secret and have yet to find out if those frilly little things really work
• "Use it or lose it." That could get scary!
• Food!
• As my co-worker said, "It's just food and conversation, it's not like you're getting engaged."

Admittedly, I was worried I'd rush home from work, get ready, and drive all of the way there, only to find that he had stood me up. Surprise! He actually showed up. He was cuter than I expected him to be, which of course was a bonus. He has really nice skin and dark hair (I am the biggest fan of dark hair). He was a little stockier than I expected but not fat by any means. My only concern about him physically is that his fingernails could have been a little shorter and cleaner. This might have been a result of his work... but for the life of me... I can't remember what it is that he does and was a little embarrassed to ask. I do know he works with a family member and used to run his own company.

Anyway, the date went pretty good! The conversation never lagged or felt uncomfortable. He was handling his phone a little too much for my liking, but I've come to realize that that is unfortunately the norm. I'll keep fighting the good fight, though. I refuse to believe that humans cannot function without being immediately available to the entire world 24 hours a day.

Both of us had to work this morning, and I don't think first dates should ever last more than a few hours, so at 9:00 p.m. we headed for the door. "So when are we going out again?!" he asked. Okay... so he wants a second date. We talked briefly about the weekend. I have no idea what we will do yet, but I'm considering it. Following the discussion, he swooped in for a kiss.

GASP!

He's a good kisser and he has nice lips. Wait. Could a guy who didn't have nice lips be a good kisser?

Now for those of you who were against my going out with Wizman... I want you to understand why I did. Sure he didn't behave as I would have liked... but... now I'm aware of a potential issue. I don't see harm in spending some time with him that I otherwise would have spent sitting in my house bitching at myself for not cancelling cable because there is never anything truly worth watching on t.v. I don't have to sleep with the guy. I don't have to marry him. And, I don't have to put up with any crap... I can walk away at any time. Does he stand a chance at becoming a permanent suitor in my life? Well, his chances are on the slim side. But dating is hard! He's admitted to being bashful and I know I have certainly looked back on a first date in disbelief that I acted so stupidly as a result of nervousness... so I'm giving him a little leeway. He'll have to be much better behaved if he wants anything serious from me, that's for sure.

From Two to Zero in 24 Hours?!

After being exposed to chemical fumes someone in the ceramics studio was using Monday night, my throat immediately began to hurt. No matter how many ibuprofen pills I popped... the pain persisted.





Hoping the pain would subside by morning, I fantasized about sushi and wasabi before going to bed. Unfortunately, not only was I unable to sleep well, my throat was still very sore throughout the day on Tuesday. I no longer wanted to eat.





What?





Something is seriously wrong with me if I am not wanting to eat! I contemplated seeking medical attention, but figured that since the pain was a result of an irritation, I'd likely be stuck with simply a bill, since it wouldn't be as easily remedied as an infection would be.





So I cancelled dinner Tuesday. Date one... down.





Whizzer and I had spoken late Tuesday afternoon. He continually expressed excitement to meet on Thursday and was concerned about my discomfort. He had some events that night and said he'd text me around 8:30 p.m. and if I wanted to talk he would call.





The text never came.





I wasn't actually mad that he didn't contact me. I hardly felt like communicating. However, we haven't actually met yet, and we are all supposedly on our best behavior in the beginning of relationships. During lunch today, I sent him a text that said, "It's a little past 8:30." He replied with ":(" After asking him what the ":(" was about he said because he hadn't called me. He also said he was in a meeting and asked that I call him on my way home.





The explanation of his failure to contact me at the magical moment of 8:30 was one of exhaustion and simply going to sleep. Okay. I get that. I did the same thing. The conversation continued and included discussion as to where we should meet for dinner tomorrow. And then...





"I've got to head to soccer in a minute. How about I call you on my way there and we'll talk. It won't be like last night. I'll really call you."





And... he didn't.





About 9:30 p.m., I receive a text: "Hi :)" I replied with a question mark, which was then leading to a potential conversation through texting, which I am vehemently opposed to, unless absolutely necessary. He called after I messaged that I would not have an entire conversation through text. At first he claimed to be confused and didn't even acknowledge his failure to call. Again, I'm not that worked up about it, but I do have serious concerns about his lack of follow through, especially back to back lacks of follow through, before we have even ever met!





Now the burning question... should I even bother going out with this guy? If I meet him for dinner, I'll be travelling 50 minutes one way. If I went through the motions of getting ready for a date, drove that far, used up the time and gas, polluted the environment... for someone who didn't even show...oh I'd be a little pissed at that point. He said he'd absolutely be there. But, he also said he call...twice...two days in a row... and did not. I told him I'd have to think about whether I'll be meeting him for dinner.





Initially, my thoughts are to cancel. Aside from these incidences, he appears to have qualities I would appreciate in a partner, but I need to give some thought to what kind of message I'm sending if I do choose to go out with him. You know that Dr. Phil guy says, "You teach people how to treat you." I don't need another person in my life that doesn't do what they say they will when they said they would... I've got two friends, an aunt and cousin to fill that roster. Sure it was just a couple phone calls... but is it an implication of his future behavior in the big picture?





The joys of dating.





I'm thinking I should cancel tomorrow night's dinner, even though I was truly looking forward to it, and then see how he handles that. I don't think I should completely write him off yet, but I also don't think I should ignore his recent behavior either. He's expecting an answer in the morning. I'll be polling the girls at work to get their opinions for certain.



What would YOU do?

Quarter Pounder with Cheesy Date

Monday. Weigh-in. Gained one quarter pound. I wonder if it was the wool socks I had on...

As much as I'd like to be the big weight loss champion of the office, truth is, my body is simply reorganizing. Knowing that muscle weighs more than fat is a mighty comforting tidbit of information at this point in my journey. My pants are fitting better and seeing myself naked doesn't instantly make me regret eating Christmas dinner anymore... but the damn scale is just not budging! If the office had bought into my plan to measure success by monitoring inches, I'd be fairing much better in this competition. Now I'm left to wonder if I stand a chance to meet my 12 pound goal.

Not allowing myself to feel defeated, I have accepted not one, but two dinner dates this week. I'd be a little distraught about the idea of sharing a meal with two different men in the same week, but tomorrow's date is with someone I have known for years. In fact, I know his entire family. We haven't spoken, nor seen each other in years now, but after receiving his family holiday newsletter from his mother, I thought I'd give a call to check in. His sister had had a major health crisis and I wanted to know how she was doing. A week later, he called to invite me out for dinner. I have no clue what his intentions are, but mine are simply to enjoy a few cheesy laughs.

Mr. Thursday, a.k.a. the Whizzer, and I will be meeting in a town that is half-way between his and mine. He's the one I'm slightly nervous about since we have not met in person and I'm in between jean sizes. Certainly I'll be spending Wednesday night frantically flinging clothes all about my bedroom in an attempt to find something that flatters my current state. Of course it would be more convenient to go out and buy a pair of jeans... but I already did that for my December 30th date. Not only did the date not go anywhere, now I'm stuck with a pair of jeans I've only worn twice that are too frickin' big now. I swear simply being female should qualify you for a special tax break.

Debriefing

No, this isn't a post about removing a man's underwear...

Mother's unexpected surgery led to a busier than expected week and less frequent posting. In honor of my beloved efficiency, I will summarize the week's goings-on (or lack thereof):

Mom did well with her surgery. Because it was less extensive, she didn't have to have as much anesthesia, which was quite comforting to know. She is back to living with a drain and having a visiting nurse. To help fight the infection, she is also on antibiotics. Yesterday, she had her appointment with the oncologist, during which they decided she should proceed with hormone therapy. Personally, I was very worried about the thought of her enduring chemotherapy. She's already in a vulnerable state of health, and chemo isn't for sissies! Let's just hope this works and she is on the road to a cancer-free life!

There's not much action on the dating front, but I did make a bold move and called one of the contenders. I got his voice mail. Making a phone call is really no big deal in the real world of dating, but when we're talking about the online oddity... things transpire quite differently, if you are smart, that is. At this point, I'm rather intrigued by two gentlemen, and shockingly enough, I'm considering giving "the Wizzer" a chance to redeem himself... from relieving himself. We spoke briefly tonight and he made some points I couldn't argue with. He thinks I should just take a chance and meet up with him this weekend. For me, it's more of an issue of whether or not I have something cute to wear that actually fits! My pre-Halloween/Christmas candy jeans are just a wee-bit too tight... and would make me look slutty, or fat; the jeans I bought on December 30th for this very reason, are now so big they look like I crapped my pants. So what's a girl to do? I suppose I could opt for the always-fits skirt (which would require going on a fancier date) or simply wait a week or so until I lose a few more inches to fit into my used-to-be-cute jeans. Do men have to deal with this shit? I mean, really.

On the subject of weight loss, I have been eating well, for the most part. The photo is of last night's dinner: a small chicken breast that marinated in fat-free Italian dressing overnight and was then baked in the oven, some very delicious veggies, and a helping of Spanish rice. It would have been an evening to be proud of, except for desert, I ate about 9 Hershey's kisses... some were almond, some mint, some candy cane (I don't like the plain ones). Both the girls in the office ate Twix bars this afternoon. I did not!! A small victory for me!

When I pulled in the drive from work, I was greeted by a small group of strangers. This poor man with his two teen boys in tow had just hit a dog on the busy street that runs parallel to mine. Not only was he kind enough to stop, he followed the dog as it ran into the yard on the other side of the fence. This poor animal had bled quite a bit and suffered a serious injury to its hind leg. If that man had simply driven off, we would not have known the dog was there and it surely would have died... cold and alone in the bright red snow. The officer that responded to our call was a very nice man who pulled some strings to get the dog in for medical treatment. It had a collar, but no tags, so we couldn't contact the owner. I made my cat say a little prayer with me in hopes the dog survives and lives a long and happy life. Well, maybe the cat didn't pray, but I like to believe she is gracious, considering she was rescued as well.

My brother is coming to my rescue shortly. I ordered a large cabinet to fill the hole in my living room that resulted from rearranging the furniture to accommodate the now-taken-down Christmas tree. I found the new furniture arrangement actually made better use of my living space, and it would be lovely to have a place to drop my keys when I come in the door, since I rarely seem to know where they are. However, the cabinet arrived sooner than expected and I'm tired of looking at this big box with its utterly incomprehensible assembly directions. Normally, I'm very handy and competent, but these directions are the kind that only an engineer's mind would appreciate. My brother has an engineering background (and hopefully more patience than I do!).

Once again, I forgot to make plans for the weekend. Now, my exciting, romance-lacking weekend consists of assembling a cabinet tonight, and tending to the oven while my friend is at her brother's funeral so people have something to eat when they come to her house on Sunday. I REALLY need to find more enjoyable alternatives for the weekend!

She's Out!

Mom made it out of surgery just now. Her wound from December's surgery had become infected and they had to go back in to clean it and reinsert a drain. It's a setback... but thankfully, a minor one. She will have to have a visiting nurse again and the drain will be in for 1-2 weeks. Aside from a suspicious rash she noticed this morning, she appears to be doing well.

Because of her unexpected surgery, results from the oncology testing will have to wait until she can reschedule. So here we are, eight weeks into her cancer journey, and somehow, still in the same spot.

When people talk about fighting cancer, they always mention strength and hope; when sometimes the most important thing is patience.

Sunday Summary

Choosing to lay low this weekend has proven to be the best thing I could have done for myself. I'm amazed at how quickly the sense of stress and strain lifted after I tackled neglected tasks. It is no longer Christmas in my house, everything is clean and tidy, and I found two bills that needed to be paid a couple weeks ago in the pile on my desk. I knew something had to have gotten lost in the shuffle!

I stopped by mom's today after I took out the garbage. During my visit I found out she had to go to the doctor today because she has drainage from another location near her surgery. She said she wouldn't gross me out with the details, but she may have an infection. It looks like they are going to have to perform surgery tomorrow to find out what is wrong. This is unsettling to me because of her prior issues after her mastectomy and we were really looking forward to having some treatment answers on Tuesday, and I'm assuming her appointment will have to be rescheduled.

Had I not gotten all of these tedious things done around the house, this news might have pushed me closer to the edge I've barely managed to avoid. The past few months have been extremely draining and thankfully I now know how precious balance is in life, so I'm wise enough to forgo more exciting things and rest when I can. When there is chaos you can't control at work and in your family life, being able to come home to a clean house, and knowing you have paid your bills is extraordinarily comforting; at least to me, anyway.

I asked my brother to go for a walk shortly after the news and we went down to the park to feed the ducks. Most of the river is frozen, so the poor guys had to waddle across the ice to feast on the old bread and bagel treats we brought for them. One big white duck was actually eating out of my hand! That kind of stuff makes me happy and I certainly needed the exercise. Spending time with my brother isn't too bad either.

Let's hope all goes well tomorrow. Thankfully, the office is closed tomorrow so I don't have to worry about missing work. I'd like not to worry about much anymore... but sometimes life has other plans for us and we just have to make the very best of it.

Family Friday

Gotta love non-committal people! I dated one on and off for about 10 years... and even though I finally cut him out of my life before the end of last year, I still can't escape these can't make and/or stick to plans kinda folks.

My goal for the weekend, my main objective, was to rid my house of any evidence of Christmas and finish getting my house and personal affairs in order, to free up more time to join the social world out there. However, my aunt who is never in town for long, and cousin, were supposed to come over tonight around 6:00 p.m. Even though their selfish nature truly gets under my skin, I still love them, so I decided I'd make room for a family night tonight.

Well... it's now 10 after 7:00, and they are nowhere in sight. I'm starving. My brother is starving. My mother is starving. I could have conquered at least one mountain on what used to be my desk in the office. I could have taken a nap. I could have worked out. I'd say I could have gone on a date... but I already made a conscious decision to put any encounters with strangers off a week while I work through my spontaneous fits of laughter from dealing with the ones who have attempted to court me as of yet.

Now the plan is for my mother, brother and I to enjoy a devilishly delicious pizza from the family-owned parlor nearby. And there goes my diet.

Do you think Judge Judy would hear my case if I sued my commitment-challenged relatives for making me fail to succeed in next week's office weigh in?

What a Pisser!!!!

So this guy, who has been very patient and understanding in regards to my lack of time to pursue actually meeting anyone from the online world of romance, sent me a message to check in on me and say hello. I happened to read it while actually having a few minutes to myself, so I decided to give him a call. Because I think it's wise to keep your personal information private until you have a good idea the recipient of your information isn't a Ted Bundy wanna-be... I blocked my number.

"Hey! How are you?" he asks enthusiastically.

"Hi. I'm good, thanks." I reply.

"You blocked your number? Okayyyyyy... well you're gonna have to listen to me pee."

What the hell? My eyes rolled around in their sockets while I tried to figure out what kind of weird Latin name this fetish would have.

"Okay. Sorry about that. So what is Carrie trying to pull you into again?!" He asked.

"Carrie?"

"What? Who is this again?"

"Um, the person you just emailed your phone number to." I replied.

"OH MY GOD!!! I am soooo embarrassed." He declared as he fumbled words all about in an effort to explain himself and justify his audible expulsion of urine.

I was very tempted to tell him that it sounded like he didn't have any prostate issues, but decided that was even stranger than the fact I had just listened to someone piss in a toilet and I have never met them in person.

I'm not making this shit up, folks!

The poor guy felt terrible about his choice to relieve himself while I was on the other end of the phone and carried on and on about how he had just been texting a friend of 20 years (who apparently is accustomed to listening to him pee) and wondered why they would have blocked their number. Ever heard of the "mute" button, Mr.? Certainly that hasn't gone the way of the rotary phone and become extinct in the world of ever-changing technology!

To Mention or To Ask? (There really is no question)

Oh, isn't the online dating world an interesting and peculiar little place! I received an email this morning from a guy who I've exchanged several emails and a couple of phone calls with over the last 5 weeks or so that said:

"Hope you had a nice weekend. We could have met?"

Really? What's that? "Could have"s are endless, hypothetical, and pointless. I could have won the lottery. The sky could have suddenly turned bright orange with dancing clouds made of glitter. He could have asked me out.

After politely bringing up that very point, he said there were "too many games" and that he was "very tired of mentioning" that we meet. I'm thinking that's a little passive aggressive? I mean, mentioning it'd be nice to meet someone yields little to no results, while asking someone if they would like to go out on Saturday night typically produces a "yes" or a "no."

And all of this came after a seemingly normal conversation on Thursday that contained no mention of meeting each other at all. He did call me Saturday... at one in the morning. Yes, I have reached the age bracket and level of responsibilities at which I think telephoning people at one in the morning is inappropriate. I was sleeping... and he left no message.

"Yes I called. Nice of you to call me back." He wrote. Huh. You left no message mister, and you called me at one in the morning. Sorry I forgot to write a thank you card.

I probably shouldn't mention that he "misinterpreted" our email exchange a couple weeks ago and sent me pictures of his "unmentionable;" and hopefully no one will feel the need to ask why I won't be meeting this one... ever.

The Aftermath...

It's my first work-week weekend of 2010... and my first official lazy day as a result.

Normally, I take care of my dear Chester on Saturday afternoons, but I did not get a call from his wife to come by. Now that I've done nothing but sleep in and eat breakfast, I do feel as though I should have called her. Sometimes, she forgets.

Considering this decade's first week of work was an absolute nightmare... complete with fear, anxiety, and a very climactic ending; I'm absolutely exhausted. For months, there has been tension at work and the week before Christmas, we found out we were losing a LOT of money... talk of "tough decisions" and "changes" began to fill the days, then culminated with never-ending hush-hush meetings most of us were not invited to.

Thursday one of us got permanently laid off.

Being the "new kid on the block," employed there a short 11 months (after my ten months of unemployment), I had just cause to be very concerned. The organization is small and the staff very close-knit. Surely I worked hard every day and made myself as valuable as possible... but I would have done that no matter what. But was it enough?

Thankfully, I was NOT the one who lost their job, but, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I know very well what it feels like to lose a job! The person who lost their job is one of two that interviewed me for a volunteer position and demanded they hire me. She has also been there 7 years. That is a bitter pill for both of us. It has been difficult for everyone. I was afraid I'd find myself unemployed again, in less than a year, and this time it would be simply too much to bear.

Mom's cancer, the holidays, the "situation" at work... very stressful. Even though the sun is shining and part of me feels I should just take a chance and go on a date tonight, I know my mind is still recovering. I don't think tonight is the right night to make a first impression. Staying home this weekend getting my house clean and personal affairs in order appears to be the better choice.

Too Lazy for Love?

I've spent the last couple days debating whether or not to create some sort of official dating plan... like, going on one date a week, or specifying what days and times I actually read my online dating site emails. Wouldn't you know, I'm not the first to contemplate such a thing. AOL had a featured article about a woman who declared she would find a husband in one year... and she failed. Not exactly evidence supportive of my theory.

But as I sat here tonight, I realized what I really want to do is get my house back in order and figure out some kind of life management plan including finances, work, exercise (I'm trying to lose 12 pounds by March 29th), balance... balance balance! Adding a commitment of a minimum weekly date to the mix seems overwhelming! And, reading and responding to the emails. all the while scanning for signs of psychological instability, to get to that point, is, quite frankly, exhausting. I actually caught myself feeling stressed out when I was signed in.

Am I too lazy for love?

On a positive note, I did see a cute guy in real life at the grocery store last night. I did absolutely nothing about my secret inner fantasy of going on a date with HIM... a real person I met in real life in the real world; but it sure was nice just to have "a sighting." He appeared very bachelorish with his bag of dog food, gallon of milk, and little arm basket of items and I didn't readily recognize a ring on his finger. I work with all women in a big office building full of more women and a handful of married, middle-aged men so any evidence that single men exist at all is pretty exciting.

And if that's not enough, I did get messages from two guys I would give serious thought to going on a date with. Most of my email thus far is from guys that are nice, but not really ones that truly "match" with me. And what's up with the rampant vasectomies?! I never dreamed guys would give up the power of procreation. I mean I get that most men don't think poopy diapers and baby mama drama sounds like a good time, but the ability to plant seeds just seemed like the core of masculinity to me. Obviously, I am wrong about that too! Even though I'm truly not ready to be a mother, not having the option to do so isn't in line with my theoretical future plans. I'm really trying to put staying true to what I want above my stupid tendency to be more concerned with not hurting some one's feelings. Right now I'm at about a 65% compliance rate with that one.

So what is the answer? I might indeed be too lazy for love, but for now, I'm going to give myself a little break and acknowledge that life (with mom's cancer and all) has been a little chaotic of late. So if, if, I get a chance to clean up my house and catch up the laundry tomorrow... maybe I'll see about scheduling a date this weekend. Maybe...

New Year. New Blog.

Well, it's 2010. A new year. A new decade. And... it's time for Mona Lake to get real. Get serious. Get living.

And get a "new" blog.

This blog originated from a nagging need for a purpose in life when I found myself unexpectedly unemployed prior to the nation wide implosion of the economy. The world had carried on without me. I was depressed. Bored. And scared shitless. With that 10 month bout of unemployment came peaks and valleys of emotions that led to my blog becoming a pseudo bi-polar paradise of topic-of-the-day randomness.

Now that I am gainfully employed, and frankly, out of excuses... it's time to get back to what I wanted this blog to be. What I want to be.

I'm afraid. I admit it. I'm afraid that my love boat may have already sailed off without me. I'm afraid my mother will die of cancer and my grandparents will start dropping like flies. As a result, I'm afraid I'll wind up regretting not starting a family of my own... because I was too busy being afraid.

I'm 38. For a few more months. If I have even the slightest desire to ever have a child, simple math tells me that I had better start living my life in such a way that might make that remotely possible. This means I'm going to have to give up the boring security the ill-fitting sweatpants and anti-social behaviors I acquired during my stint as Jobless Jody, and get out there and date!

DATE?!?!

Fuck.

Trying to be proactive, I posted a profile on an online dating site right before Thanksgiving. The very next week, I found out my mother has cancer again. For those of you who haven't yet found yourself 38, lonely and dateless; flirting shamelessly through emails with guys on a dating site and deciding whether to go bowling with mrlovemachine23987* or have coffee with bitterdivorcevictim69* when your mother has cancer... just doesn't sit right in your head and heart.

A few days after the news sunk in... I began to realize that not only was my mother's mortality in jeopardy, my grandparents are all "getting long in the tooth." They are all in their late 70's to late 80's. Again... the simple math comes into play here. They aren't going to live forever, no matter how hard I wish them to. What will my life be like once everyone is gone? Family is everything to me.

This is when the "kid thing" surfaced in my brain. I think the kid thing has always been there, but I buried it amongst the fear and selfishness that seems so much more affordable than years of diapers, school shoes, braces and college tuition. And let's not forget it only takes one person to be afraid and selfish. If I recall correctly, it takes two people for the kid thing... and at least 20 minutes.

So here I am... trying to find a way to make this all work. Trying to find a way to be there for my mother, but not lose myself at the same time. Trying to find a way to lose the weight I gained while sitting on my ass as life passed me by... and trying to find "the one."