Call me "Sue"

There is so much bullshit going on in the world, and I'm acquiring a pissy attitude about it. I think I am going to start suing people for a living. I'm going to sue all of the guys that pretend they aren't jackasses...

(okay, I'm already rich, but can I finish bitching please?)

I'm going to sue every politician that promises us shit to get our vote; and then perpetually sodomizes the people of America once they are in office.

I'm going to sue my cable company for charging me for services they don't provide and forcing me to talk to people from India; while Tom, Dick, and Harry- American -guys don't have jobs.

I'm going to sue the almighty gasoline providers for charging us a magically higher price for the same ol' shit... every frickin' Labor Day weekend.

I'm suing Uncle Sam for taking my tax money to pay for killing people; who never even tried to steal the Twinkie out of my lunchbox.

And... I'm going to sue whomever made Britney Spears famous and "auditorally" raped me by playing her music on the radio... then rubbed salt in my wounds by making me look at her snatch while she exits a limousine.

I'm suing every adult that said I could be whatever I wanted. Really? I can't even find a job!!!!


I'm suing cavemen for making "modern men" think that if they breathe heavy and pull your hair you will want to co-habitate with them.

I'm suing Maybelline for making me think I was the only one not "born with it."

I'm suing L'Oreal for making people hate me because I'm "beautiful"... even though your slogan begged them not to.

I'm suing QVC for creating an underground of shop-aholics without providing a support group.

Maury Pauvich? I'm suing him for not being able to figure out who the baby daddy is after 14 -too -many seasons.

I'm suing the dog next door for slaughtering my groundhog.

I think I'd like to sue the makers of the film "Jaws" for making me fearful of the ocean...

I'm suing the spiders that invade every room of my house and don't pay rent...

Marlboro? Where's my cowboy hat, and horse!? I'm suing you too!

I'm suing marijuana for NEVER making me feel "groovy..."

And... I'm gonna sue YOU for not telling me I'm a cool, but slightly, crazy bitch!

Date Day... Doomsday?

It's Saturday. My first date in 5 weeks is scheduled to occur in 5 hours. Currently, I'm in a state of serious unsexiness! I have yet to even comb my hair! (Hey, it looked pretty good when I got up.)

I'm headed out for a brief sun-bathing stint to try to jump start my date mood. But, I'm not sure it's going to come back! Patrick and I talked on the phone last night and not only did he sound troubled about what exactly we were going to do... He also gave me the impression that going to an art museum would be something he would avoid because it isn't "manly." One of the best adventures I had ever been on, was a trip to the Musee' de Picasso in Paris, France. He exclaimed, "Why would you go to PARIS??!! I would never go to Paris. They hate Americans there. They are rude and throw piss at ya!"

"Have you ever been to Paris?"

"No."

"Then how would you know? It was a beautiful country. Everyone was very nice. You just have to understand the language and culture. I took French for four years."

"You took French?!" (laughter)

(I'm now irritated.)

"Let me guess. Everyone else is rude and ignorant, and we should just blow up all foreign countries and leave the planet for the redneck Americans to rule?" (yep, I got hostile, but in a very sweet tone."

I love people. Culture. Architecture. Different language. Accents. New places. World Peace. Patrick is now coming across to me as a very narrow-minded, ex high school jock (didn't we hate those guys?), who is afraid of risking his ultra-macho homophobic image, by going to an art museum. So-not-attractive.

He tried to make up for it by stating that he loves architecture and asking me about my own art. "I'd like to see some of your stuff."

I'm not sure what you will get to see, Patrick.

He also, get this, poo-pooed me wearing a dress. Thought it would be "too fancy." None of his dates has worn a dress. It's a casual dress... I explain... no bows or ballgown silhouettes. He was still completely opposed to it.

This date has surely gone from potentially hot, to potentially not. I will honor my commitment. However, I am truly tempted to not comb my hair or shower, find a pair of denim bib overalls and greet him at the door with a nice big, "Howdy!"

Corporate Cable Gods

FRUSTRATIONS! UGH! I had trouble with my cable for over two months. I'm not in love with T.V., so I sure as hell don't aim to fight tooth and nail to watch it. The company offers 24hr/365 days a year "customer service." Really. Maybe they meant to say, "It will take you at least a total of 24 hours and maybe up to 365 days to resolve your problem and get what you pay for."

During each of my "convenient" online chats to get things working, a signal was sent from outer space to my dysfunctional equipment. Always with the same result... nothing. Follow that with a "ma'am it can take up to one hour." Really. Don't you mean one month?

I finally took more time out of my day and called to schedule an in-house appointment, since apparently that would be TOO convenient to do in an online chat. I asked about a credit to my account, considering I was not receiving what they happily charged me for. "Well, if they determine there is a problem, a credit may be issued." Look lady... I'm not calling you because I'm lonely and looking to make new friends! I'm calling you, because there IS A PROBLEM! HELLO!

Once I finally got a guy to come out to fix it, the neighborhood had lost power. Nice. Thanks, God. Is that you telling me T.V. is the communication device of the devil? Mr. Repair Guy thought he was getting out of this one. Oh know you don't, buddy! I had him come by and drop off the new box.

Power on. Cable still not working right.

Call for another appointment. Schedule yet another two hours out of my day, to sit and wait for some guy to make my T.V. work properly. I'm starting to feel like I need to be doing more important things than guarantee that I can watch the latest poorly acted movie on Lifetime, even though I know I won't. This is beginning to make no sense! Mr. Repair Guy doesn't show. Pissed.

Call yet again. Finally talk to someone who violates all of the sodomistic practices of modern-day Corporate America, and tells the truth! I explained to her that it was obvious to me that no one, all the way down the line of this journey, had left any type of notes, or remarks on my account, and that is why they were so clueless to my battle to get what I pay for! I don't HAVE to be understanding, but I chose to. There is no policy! No requirement to track service issues! Really. Sounds like a great plan. Let people continuously fail to get problems resolved,and call up your underpaid, under trained and over worked staff, angry as all fiery hell, make them quit, and force you to perpetuate the revolving door of hiring, firing and quitting. Corporate America needs to quit focusing solely on profit, and find efficient means of taking care of it's employees and customers! (Thanks for letting me vent.)

Finally, another appointment. Two months have now passed. This time, the risky HONEST employee, that probably could have been fired for being honest with me, made sure that notes were left and a supervisor assisted in the service call. My cable line had to be reinstalled. Okay! We're over it, right?

WRONG! Last month's bill showed no credit whatsoever. Not even 10 cents. I gave them the benefit of the doubt... perhaps the bill and credit crossed in the mail, or the magical signals from outer space. I wasn't calling them again. Shit, I've invested more time in the cable company then any relationship I've had in the last year.

Next bill arrives today. No credit. Alright, damn't, I'm calling. I get bounced around in their lovely automated system, like a pinball you know is going right between the bumpers and back into the black hole. "Holly" was pissy. I asked to speak to a supervisor. Houston, we're back in space. Recording. I've been zapped into "f-u, customer" land. I call back. I get "Leslie" this time. I kindly, yes really, tell her that I am losing my patience and putting this much time and effort into the ability to pay for and watch television has simply become ridiculous to me. She credits my account for two months. (I should have pushed for three and a free pizza for pain and suffering).

I pose this question to the almighty corporate cable Gods: "Why does it take me over two months, a half a dozen online chats, three service appointments, and 7 phone calls to solve a problem with your company... yet, you don't miss a beat sending me a bill?"

HUMP Day!

It's "hump day" and since I never seem to be humping on Wednesday, I decided to find the TRUE meaning of "hump day." This is what Wikipedia had to say:

"An American English idiom for Wednesday is "hump day", a reference to making it through to the middle of the work week as getting "over the hump."

Well, isn't that the shits?! I'm not humping or working!!!!

So let's go to the polls. According to my readers (you frisky little devils), 83% of you said 30-somethings should have sex whenever I can! 16% of you said that 30-somethings should have a booty call while pursuing other potential suitors!!! I love my free-spirited fans! That makes sex a unanimous must! I'll be keeping your opinions in mind Saturday night...

I have a date at 6 p.m. with Patrick on Saturday. We spoke tonight, and I swear he has got to be one of the most hilarious people I have ever met. Humor is HOT to me... IF I am attracted to him, would it be to aggressive/slutty to have some much needed sex on the first date? We are both grown adults. We've exchanged emails for 6 months, and shared at least a half-dozen hour long conversations... would that make me ineligible for anything other than a booty call? Or, a slut, if you will? I have plenty of condoms, and at this rate, they will expire before they ever see a penis... hell, I might expire before I ever see a penis again!

As for "What's Next in Mona's Future?" it was a 50-50 tie between a job with the urologist's office (which I confess to voting for) and ice cream and fat ass! I haven't gotten a call from the urologist's office, and I haven't eaten any ice cream in at least a week... so let's call that one a wash.

I'll see what I can cook up for you mischievous geniuses in the morning...

Some Ugliness Remains...

Despite not having slept... I truly feel amazing! Having that job interview really gave me a much needed boost to a very soft and sluggish ego. Since the interview I have been tackling home improvement projects like it's my job (just don't get the paycheck!).

It's amazing what some toxic chemicals and elbow grease can do for a faucet that is old enough to be my father! I have got to have THE UGLIEST KITCHEN SINK IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! It is a cross between milk-chocolate-pudding brown and a touch of month-old-rotten-Halloween-pumpkin rust in color... and the edges look as though the sink has survived a house fire, or some kind of kitchen sink chemistry experiment gone terribly terribly wrong. Add to that, an archaic and cheap faucet that not a single lazy ass has caulked since Eisenhower was elected president... frame it with a decadent, gold flecked laminate counter top... and you, my dears, have my kitchen sink. The ugliest kitchen sink in the United States of America! (For any of you who foolishly doubt me... see the photo... exhibit U... for ugly, of course.)

I had actually picked out a new counter top, sink, and faucet last October. Even had the guy come out and measure my completely non-level, non-square, century old kitchen... however, I was in the process of being screwed by my ethics immune insurance agent, and had to put the plans on hold. Fast forward to April! Hooray... I will spend my next check on my beautiful sink, and counter top!

Oh yeah. That's when the fuckers shit-canned me!

So for now... it's just a kinda old, but still cute chick, in a really old house, with a really ugly sink, and a really positive attitude, hoping she really gets a job, that really pays well, so she can really get rid of the remaining "ugliness" left in her life!

Right Time, Right Place?

I'm in "soldier mode." Got to sleep at about 3 a.m. and got up at 7 a.m. Had the alarm set for 8 a.m. but my brain would have nothing of it! I had located a job posting at 1 a.m. that I would be qualified for, and they asked that you apply in person! I am a huge fan of applying in person since it gives you the golden opportunity to make a first impression. The job is located SIX MINUTES away from my home! Now that is a nice commute! No details were listed about pay or benefits.

I went in at 9 a.m. and as I was handing my completed application, resume and cover letter on fancy paper in a fancy envelope, a former client at my last position walked into the room. She smiled and said hello and I asked her how her "newlywed status" was treating her. All of the staff stopped and acknowledged our conversation... so I may have experienced some "right place at the right time" grace!

The Ironed Curtain

I've got to say that I've felt more like a middle-aged pot-bellied man the last few days then a vivacious and virtually virginal woman! I've been tackling things that, according to gender roles, are reserved for the male population! But, when you've got no man in sight, not even to love you and leave you fast... you certainly must rely on yourself to clean up the leaves and clear out the garage!

So, to reclaim my femininity, I washed and IRONED my bedroom curtains, and made a date for Saturday. A date. Shit!

Since the Mack vs. Nick days, I've been happily (and lazily) dateless. I've also slacked in the "Boyfriend Boot Camp" department entirely. Even gave up my obsession with beautifully polished toenails. Definitely hit a slump! I had to put a date on the books! I was facing irreversible frumpy-dumpiness!

Patrick and I are on for Saturday at 6 p.m. Dinner. Now the big question... do I wear the black dress? Time is running out for it, since fall is approaching, and I've gone out in a dress only once in the last several months. And... where will we go to dinner? I'm pretty confident we will enjoy each other's company, because he is an absolute hoot on the phone and enjoys my wacky sense of humor... even at his own expense. Physical attraction is in question. His pictures are iffy, but they also aren't the best pictures. Guys aren't usually as concerned by photographs as us women are. So it's a gamble. But, it's time to get out there and live a little.

On The Fence

The interview. It's been awhile since I have interviewed for a job, but I think it went very well! The gentleman, Chris, that interviewed me was very personable and positive. He graduated from the same university as I just have and that seemed oddly exciting to him! The woman that I will be replacing (she's moving to Florida) made a point to tell Chris that when I came in I "just lit up the room!" Either she's itching to get to Florida before winter arrives, or I gave her a good vibe.

Chris took me on a tour of the building. It was well kept and every staff member we encountered seemed genuinely happy to be there. I'm not a fan of working in negative environments, so I look for people who are reaching for razorblades to slit their wrists. None.

During the initial phone call, Chris had mentioned that if the interview went well, he would introduce me to the president. I was introduced to the president! SHE was a very lovely, professional, but approachable, woman. However, it was not just an introduction! She asked the typically tough and twisty interview questions.

"What would frustrate you at work?"

"Something that would disappoint me, more than frustrate me, would be negativity." (Good answer??)

"Negativity is something that would bother me as well, Mona. I'm not a Polly Anna, but I do tend to look at the brighter side of things." Now THAT was a good answer.

So, Chris and I went to the same university, and Gloria (the president) and I have the same feelings toward negativity. I was impressed with the people, what the company stands for, and the overall environment. I think they were impressed with me as well. Gloria had urged Chris to get me to fill out the criminal background paperwork "with the holidays coming up," so there isn't a delay. I'm no Human Resources expert, but I think that shows an intent to hire. My previous experience is that background checks cost the company money, and they would not perform one if they weren't seriously interested in hiring you.

Here's my situation... the job is with an educational establishment. I was previously pursuing education and will always love education. Plus. I love change for the better, inspirational stories. This establishment helps a lot of "non traditional" students attain an education that leads them to better paying jobs and a better future. Plus. The pay is $10,000 more that my unemployment, but $10,000 less than my previous income from my last job. A plus and a negative... which if I remember this correctly, equals zero mathematically. My previous job offered ZERO benefits. This job would offer health, dental, and vision insurance, 401k, and tuition reimbursement. Plus. My previous job was a 15 minute commute (one way). This job would be a 40 minute commute (one way). I don't mind the drive really... but we all know how expensive gas can get! At $4 a gallon... it would cost me $2000 annually to drive to work, and I would be putting 19,000 miles on my car each year as well. OUCH!

Basically, it's the money that has me on the fence. But, I am a person who values a positive environment and rewarding job over a fat paycheck. Some friends, whose opinions I value, have mentioned that it is easier to find a job when you already have one. I spoke to Chris and Gloria about possible promotions to other positions in the future, which was a gamble, but they both seemed to embrace the idea. I could recoup some money by taking advantage of the tuition and 401k, and my insurance costs would be reduced by $60 monthly...

I sent both Chris and Gloria a handwritten thank you card. I hope to get their decision by next week. I'm going to trust fate on this one.

Pre-interview Madness!

Like a bratty little kid on Christmas Eve... I won't go to bed! I'm excited that my life might change for the better tomorrow with my pending interview and that is what is ultimately keeping me up. Luckily, it isn't until 3:30 p.m. so I won't have to walk in there with bags under my eyes!!!!

My mind is reeling with all sorts of questions. I'm getting worked up about stuff that doesn't really matter at this time. One of my bad habits! I'm worried about whether or not I'll get tired of the commute (hello... you don't have the job yet!). Will the hours conflict with my dating life? (Hello!!!! Again, you don't have the job yet... and you sure as hell don't have a boyfriend!) Do they offer insurance? 401K? A decent salary? Will I like the people I work with? Do I have a sufficient wardrobe to last a bit, or do I need to spend my first check on work clothes... Do I remember how to work??!!!

R.I.P.

In celebration of my madness, and to honor my word, I went out at sunset to have a mini funeral for Mr. Groundhog. His poor body had been laying there all day. It was inside the neighbor's fence, so I couldn't retrieve his body to give him a proper burial.

I took a candle out... and went to his final resting place. To my astonishment, his body was gone. I said the Lord's Prayer... and one of the rabbits had chosen to attend. I blew out the candle and headed back indoors when I spotted my mother's cat that had been missing for three days. It struck me as odd that he turned up right then. I scooped him up and took him to my mother's house. We were glad to know that he hadn't suffered the same fate as Mr. Groundhog!

R.I.P. Mr. G.!

Groundhog Day

May we have a moment of silence, in honor of my little groundhog buddy who lost a courageous battle with a big brown dog in the fenced in yard next door.

Mr. Groundhog went to be with the Lord at approximately 9:15 p.m, Saturday, August 23 after a tragic case of being in the wrong place and the wrong time.

Mr. Groundhog thoroughly enjoyed the outdoors. He had a lengthy and successful career as a burrower and gatherer. Mr. Groundhog spent his winters relaxing under a shed. Mr. Groundhog was an avid climber, which unfortunately, let to his untimely death. It is unclear at this time if Mr. Groundhog has left any loved ones behind, but it is very clear that his clumsy climbing and bumbling through the grass will be missed by his dear friend Mona Lake.

In lieu of flowers, Mr. Groundhog's friends request that you send donations to the NAGS foundation (Neighbors Against Groundhog Slaughter). Services will be held at sunset, Sunday, August 24th.

Skills

Up and at 'em! I'm up and at 'em! Hoping that I'll be working next week, I am tending to some small projects around the house. I've shampooed the carpet. Sanded the trim and caulked around windows in the laundry room, in preparation to paint them tomorrow. I also caulked my shower enclosure and re-potted some plants. Feels good to be getting things done.

On the gentleman front, I have been chatting with a guy for about six months on the dating site. We have progressed to telephone conversations... oooooooo! He has a great sense of humor and seems to appreciate my colorful mind. We are tentatively going to meet next weekend. I've also been chatting with a gent from Ireland, who is not only funny, but very romantic. He has actually called me twice. I can usually understand about half of what he says, so our conversations have several "What?"s followed by a lot of laughter. He has talked about coming to the states to visit me. I will try to figure out how I feel about that when it becomes more of a reality.

I'm hoping to get some sun, and possibly get my hair done so I look nice for my interview. I haven' t interviewed for a job since 1998. Hope I still have fantastic interviewing skills!

Wake up call

I had just awakened from a long winter's nap... okay, maybe a short summer siesta... and had retreated to the bathroom, when...

THE PHONE STARTED RINGING!

I hurriedly finished my business, hiked up my pants and ran to the phone; hoping to handle some more business. Some job business. The area code was the same as the dentist office... could it be?!?!?!

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mona?"

(Was this a potential suitor I had forgotten about?)

"Yes?"

"Hi. This is Chris Young, with ______. I realize it has been awhile since you submitted your resume to our position. Unfortunately, our plans to fill the position have taken longer then we anticipated. Are you still interested?"

"Well, yes, I am still looking." (What position is this? Am I dreaming? What time is it? How long ago was this? Which resume did I send? What the hell is going on here!?)

Talk about a "wake up call!" I've waited 4 months to the day for a phone call! An interview. Anything resembling hope for a job. I had to really focus to avoid sounding like some down on her luck 3o something chick that fell asleep watching soap operas. To get to the point... I have an interview Monday at 3:30 pm! Hallelujah! Ayymen! Pah-raaaaaaaaaise Jesus-ah!

Flip side: I have no clue what the pay rate was or if they offered any benefits. It will be a commute, and the hours aren't quite 9-5. Looks like they will have questions to answer and I will have some decisions to make. I am still really hoping to get a call from the urologist office... I'm starting to get pissy... bah -dum -dum.

Someone. Somewhere. Somebody?

OUCH! My brain hurts! I just got back from "orientation" for the education program through unemployment. No one warned me that we would have to use our brains and take placement exams! I would have gotten a few more hours of sleep! The reading test was a piece of cake... but the math... HOLY SHIT! The questions progressed from 1+1= ____ to some crazy algebraic equations that I just wasn't confident I remembered how to solve! I took algebra 25 years ago! Hello!?!? Some days I'm lucky enough to remember the last 25 minutes! It's crazy how much we learn in our lives that gets lost in the clutter of our minds! You know, those moments when you are watching Jeopardy and the answer is somewhere in your noggin, you know it is. You can picture the teacher's sneer. The pitiful polyester pants. The booger-nosed kid next to you. The fall leaves twirling to the ground... but NOT the answer!

The orientation was deceptively titled. It should have been called a paper work frenzy! We didn't get a single detail about the program until the last 5 minutes! Apparently, the government offers employers that cooperate with the program a monetary incentive to hire you, a "dangled carrot." We all know that we live in a WIIFM society (What's in it for me?!)... so I liked the sound of that! Once our files are complete they "get the ball rolling" for training and education. The only item I need for my file is a verification of termination of employment from my former employer. They fought my unemployment! Having to depend on them to fill something out that doesn't benefit them in anyway is concerning! I attempted to send the fax yesterday morning, afternoon and evening to no avail. Thankfully the orientation leader offered to fax it for me after I twice expressed my distrust in them to return it in a timely fashion.

Sometimes I find the red-tape and hoop-jumping of society a little disturbing. When someone takes the initiative to better themselves, why toss in all of the detours and speed bumps? We are taught in school, and by the hard knocks of life, that the only person we can truly count on is ourselves... so why do we constantly have to rely on someone in some office somewhere doing something other than filling out a form we need to prove that we are somebody?

Swallowing

Sheesh! I'm tired! Alarm went off at 7:00 a.m. and I GOT UP! Stumbled to the shower and washed off the discouragement of yesterday. Nervous that my dress pants might not fit after a few depression-fueled episodes of "Ben &Jerry's," I took a deep breath, exhaled and wriggled into them. Packed like summer sausage in plastic, I was dressed and ready to go!

The position I submitted for today is at a dentist's office, but he is home recovering from hip surgery, so I was only able to speak with an assistant. I was sure to do the handshake thing and thank her for her time. She wasn't sure how the dentist plans to address hiring and theorized that he may do telephone interviews.

I have not yet heard anything from the urologist's office. Wouldn't it be fun to say, "Piss off!" or "Don't get pissy with me!" Yeah, I know, I'm an ass!

Later, I went to the unemployment office and did the leg work for a state program that pays tuition for in-demand occupations. JUST having finished school, I'm apprehensive to sign up for more late-night dates with textbooks... But, the hard reality is, my degree doesn't really give me an edge in any particular field, and there aren't any damn jobs out there!!!! I have a solid work history, extensive management experience and an education, and I'm NOT getting any calls. Makes me wonder who IS! My appointment is at 8:50 a.m. so no sleeping the day away tomorrow either!

I'm also swallowing my pride today and turning in my food assistance papers today. I've had them filled out for three months. I'm not one to admit that I need help or to accept it when it is offered, so this is a very big deal to me. I believe I only qualify for $40 a month, but with no job prospects and rising food and gas prices... I've got to suck it up and take the help while it's there. I've worked my entire life and was laid-off permanently, with no warning. "I just feel like other people need it more than I do" I told my friend Kim. She boldly declared, "What, are you trying to tell me you are the ONLY human being that doesn't need to EAT!?" Gotta love her. She backed up her argument with the fact that I have been a tax-paying citizen for 22 years... True. I surrender. I admit it. I'm broke. I'm poor. I'm hanging on by the seat of my tight dress pants...

Fitting?

Well... the poll has closed regarding what I need most: a good job, a good man, or a good screw. Out of 2 voters, there is a tie between the good job and the good man. If I would have put that up today, I would have added "to get off her ass" as one of the choices!

I did a little job searching today. Found one potential job, however I would be commuting an hour and a half round trip. Not terrible, but a possible pain in the ass in winter. The add was intriguing because it focused on the camaraderie of the staff, importance of a fun environment, and treating the clients well. I agree!

The address was posted. This would give me an opportunity to make that important connection and turn in my resume personally. Not being able to make an initial impression is something I have seen as a definite obstacle to securing employment. There is only so much even the best of resumes can say about you! I'll have to take a trip to the closet and see if any of my "business wear" fits properly!

Today's Reality

I faxed my resume this morning for a position in a urologist's office. The add for the job was brief, only containing the position title, a fax number, and an extensive list of benefits. It offers no holidays, no weekends, 401k, paid vacation, health, dental, and vision insurance. Perfect! However, I would be a fool to think I am the only one who noticed that! Here's hoping that my resume made it to the "keep" pile, and that I will get an interview!

The rest of the day, I searched Career Builder, Monster, Indeed, Hot Jobs, and the local hospital website. I also swiped my mother's newspaper and pawed through the classifieds. Today's reality: just one potential job listing. The one I sent the resume to this morning.

I currently have 10 weeks of unemployment left, and ten weeks goes by pretty damn fast. I am still hopeful. I have to be. I'd be kidding you, and myself, if I didn't admit that this particular journey has been a challenge. Gone are the days of walking in to a business, applying, getting an interview and getting the job. Welcome to the easily rejected age of technology! Yes, it is wonderful to have the ability to send out resumes at 3 a.m. when you can't sleep because you are worried about surviving. But, once you have sent well over 30 resumes and cover letters and not gotten a single call, you begin to wonder if there's "anybody out there."

Stripped...

Now that I am officially done with school... I officially have nothing to do. I've been sending resumes and cover letters until my fingertips bleed all along... but now it's serious. I already have a resume and cover letter ready to be faxed first thing in the morning! I've worked since the age of 15, so being unemployed just doesn't make sense to me. Our job market is absolutely terrible! I've joked for years about becoming a stripper... do they have "Senior Night?" Or maybe the "Early Tits" special? Will the change fall out of my g-string? Will the Social Security checks cause chaffing?

A paycheck. That's what I want! A reason to get up in the morning, other than a full bladder or a barking dog. A reason NOT to wear flip-flops. A reason to drive my car and use up the liquid-gold gasoline everyone bitches about! PLEASE SOMEONE HIRE ME!

Survey Says!

I thought I would share my answers to a survey I was sent with you...


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No not really.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last time I let myself, a week ago. Last time I wanted to: 3 days ago.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Love it.

4 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Pastrami

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I would. Misery loves company, insanity is fascinating, I like "fixing" people... I think we would get married.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Ya think?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ? I do. And once when I went to the pediatrician with strep, he said, "Looking down your throat is like looking down Dolly Parton's shirt." True story.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? With a diaper on.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Adult-Frosted Mini Wheats Kid-Fruity Pebbles

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? If I am feeling ambitious.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I have to be.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Superman

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes

15. RED OR PINK? Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? That I don't know how to truly believe that I am loved.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Myself when I was oblivious to the pain you can feel in life.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Why not!?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black pants. Don't wear shoes in bed.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A bite of strawberry jello with peaches in it

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The crickets outside

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Sea foam green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Fresh bleached and fabric softened sheets, my cats fur, coffee, syrup, the beach

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Manus from Ireland, and even though I can't understand half of what he says, it's beautiful to me

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS? No. I love her.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Hockey-Red Wings, Baseball, and making out in movies

27. HAIR COLOR ? Chocolate

28. EYE COLOR? blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no

30. FAVORITE FOODS? Mongolian beef, lasagna, enchiladas, cracked pepper and olive oil triscuits with sharp cheddar cheese and red grapes

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? "Message in a Bottle"

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Ocean blue

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Who is giving them? Kisses from a boy, hugs from girls

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tiramisu

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Chey... she's the one who sent it

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Jesus

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? "How to Become a Famous Writer Before You're Dead," by Ariel Gore

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A price tag. I don't own one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V.. LAST NIGHT? Don't remember

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Thunderstorms

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Depends on the song... Maybe I'm Amazed, Angie...

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Paris, France

45. ANY NEW NEWS IN YOUR LIFE? I won $1590 at the casino and I am out of butter.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Charlotte, MI

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everyone!

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 2:33 a.m.

State of Mind

I have returned from the wild! Back from a couple days out in the middle of nowhere, in a beautiful, Frank Lloyd Wright-ish millionaire's "poolhouse." An incredible structure! Beautiful view of the lake, and plenty of woods to hike through. I went "communication device" free... no internet or cell phone. Completely unplugged.

Aside from being lined up like soldiers in a barrack to sleep, it was a very enjoyable experience. Visited with family that I hadn't seen in years. Dysfunction was tolerable, and conversations priceless. I did have to spend a ridiculous amount of time reassuring everyone that I was not loafing around and ambitionless! Most of them have no clue what a blog is, so explaining to them what I have been doing with my down time was a little exhausting. Dodged a few "I'll pray that you find your dream job, or at least a rich husband" comments, and argued the others. It will never cease to amaze me how few people understand that you CAN be happy without a significant other... and even without a job!! Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of attainment! Come on people!!!

(I'm sharing one of the sources of inspiration with you... the beautiful sunset... paradise for the mind!)

100 Crazy-Plastered-Drunk Friends, 10 Kegs and a Donkey

Fuck Yeah!!!!!! I did it! I did it... I DID IT!!! (Sorry to get all "Dora the Explorer" on you) I made it! I finished my last day of my last class! My project was a hit! Everyone that read it laughed out loud. One review, from stellar stoner-student Scott (who always came to class with bloodshot eyes and a bag of honey mustard pretzels), consisted of "That's fuckin' hilarious!" Thank you Scott! I worked my ass off on that thing and hilarious was indeed the goal. I was pumped! Kinko's got me in and out of there fast, I got my copy to the instructor, and had the opportunity to tell her that she is absolutely one hell of a professor.

On my way home, I felt kind of sad. Like I should have had a picture to capture my last-day-face. I felt like tooting the car horn incessantly and screaming out the windows! Waving goodbye like a flappy-armed Grandma... but I didn't. I just quietly took it all in.

Once I got into town, I could see a huge fireworks display, coming from the ballpark by my house. Smiling, I decided that was all a big show, just for me, to celebrate my completion of a very long and arduous journey. Although, I would definitely welcome some circus clowns, a funky band, 100 crazy-plastered-drunk friends, 10 kegs and a donkey! But, I'm not 21, and I quit drinking. Fuck!

p.s. I'm going to be away for a few days (Nooo, not with a donkey!) I'll miss you!

Quirk. Quirky. Quirkier. Quirkiest.

I'm having a breezy, carefree day. I've got the windows open, and the wind is darting throughout the house, dancing with the curtains. And, perhaps stirring up the random thoughts I am having...

I'm pondering the realism of love. Is it truly realistic to find someone that can not only tolerate your quirks, but also love you in spite of them? I mean, I know some rather odd-looking, and odd-acting people, and they somehow managed to find love. So it has to be possible, right? But, even though I am considered "attractive," "witty," "intelligent" and "kind"... I still wonder if that is enough to make someone overlook my quirkiest quirks. Such as:

1. Like the nodding off kid on the couch, I often refuse to go to sleep... even when I am exhausted.

2. I like to eat. In the middle of the night. In bed.

3. Apparently, I grind my teeth. As if snoring weren't bad enough!

4. Although I lean more towards tidiness... I have spells of "scattered-aboutness."

5. I "cocoon" in my comforter, making cover sharing impossible.

6. Sometimes I say random things out loud. And laugh at myself.

7. I can go days without seeing or talking to anyone and think nothing of it.

8. A 20 pound Maine Coon cat spoons with me at night. I take my hair out of a ponytail for him to snuggle up to.

9. I can't stand it when someone leaves the water running while they brush their teeth!

10. I bite loose skin off my lip, sometimes until it hurts. Apply chapstick. And repeat.

And... as I write this, I see my cat playing with a grasshopper that wandered inside... which brings me to yet another one:

11. I don't like killing or hurting anything. I will shoo away the cat, grab a glass and a napkin and take it outside... before I witness any maiming or murder!

Celebrate the B.S.!

I do believe I forgot to mention some very delightful news...

I received the official graduation green light from the university! This particular journey of Mona Lake has been a long, frequently-interrupted, and often, but only temporarily, deemed hopeless one. Finally! At the ripe old age of 37, I will officially have my Bachelor's of Science. Often referred to as "B.S."

Isn't life poetic?

A little gift...

I gave myself a little present today. I gave myself a little bit of me. I sent myself outside with a lawn chair, a book, and a dream. A dream to put a little joy and inspiration back into my soul. The sky was painted with puffy white pillows of mystery, the sun of a comforting warmth. I laid back on the chair, opened the book... and my mind... while the shifting winds made love to my body.

I soon remembered how simple my pleasures are. How I revel in the mysterious workings of nature. How quickly strange little bugs take over your book, if you dare put it down. How I dream up the love story of the cardinals that visit my feeder. How I love the uncertainty of a creaking branch in the breeze... the path of a white butterfly.

Drifting carelessly like a cloud, radiating like the sun, unpredictable... like the direction, and intensity of the wind... I embrace my little package of joy and inspiration.

Lights On... Or Off?

When you are unemployed and not independently wealthy, you watch a lot of TV.

"Swingtown" is on... I can always count on it for some fantastic fashion flashbacks, but I didn't know I could count on it for free relationship advice!

The teenage daughter of a newly-swinging and newly-troubled couple, runs away from a family outing and hitchhikes to see her former teacher/ current lover...

An old lady picks her up. After she finds out where the teen wants to go, she tells her, "Men are like light bulbs. You just gotta keep on screwin' em until you find one that works. And they don't last forever. Forever is not the point. The point is to get in the game."

Looks like a trip to Lowe's Lighting Aisle is in store...

And sometimes...

You have to do nothing.

I took the day off from my project. From stress. From the world. I made the choice to take the day off after I had left class Wednesday night. It was the first time I had slept through the night in a very long time. I've been back in college non-stop for eight months! I needed a break!

My activities of the day included: sleeping, job searching, watching Judge Mathis and People's Court, napping, eating chips and queso, watching Jeopardy, and eating banana pudding! I feel like a million bucks! I might be couple pounds heavier as a result, but the burden of life feels much lighter!

I know all of you real grown-ups are probably gasping in disgust! But, in between your blackberry buzzes, cell phone rings, meetings, bill paying, social engagements, and family stuff... think about it. When is the last time you allowed yourself to be free of this over-committed, over-stimulated, and under-relaxed world? We aren't meant to be one Starbucks away from cardiac arrest! Take a day for you. Ditch the demands that clutter our minds for at least half a day! Just once. Try it!

(Get your own queso! I ate the whole jar.)

Sometimes You Gotta Make Due...

Okay. So it's no secret that I haven't been myself. But, I've got shit to do! I've got shit DUE! I had been drawing a complete BLANK each and every time I sat down with my last project for class. We have to write an instruction manual! A what?! You mean those things I never read, and usually throw away? The very thought of having to read one... let alone write one, has been haunting me since the beginning of the semester. But, if I'm gonna get my last "A," my last "look at how smart I am," I've got to seriously get crackin'!

Our text-only draft was due today... so I had no choice but to pick myself up out of my "funk" long enough to get something on paper... ANYTHING!! I didn't get my first concrete start until after 7 p.m. last night. I did some serious negotiating with the professor and got permission to do a "spoof" on the instruction manual. I'm writing a manual titled, "How to Survive a Dysfunctional Childhood." It MUST be hilarious! This is the first time I've tried my comedic talents in this type of format, and the pressure is immense. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very quick-witted, and typically pretty damn funny! When you've lived the life I have, you either learn to make fun of it, and laugh things off... or you shoot yourself in the head! Why is this so hard?

Our final copy is due next week on Wednesday. I will be out of town for a family reunion... so I have to have this perfected by the end of Monday's class! I don't have TIME to be in this funk!

As far as the "boys" go... Well, they don't! I've learned through Mack's MySpace page, that he is moving in 10 days, to Florida. It would have been nice to hear it from him. I didn't have any long-term expectations from him, but I really did dig his personality, and would have enjoyed a friendship. I'm all about people chasing their dreams and breaking free from the "I can't"s, the "but what about..."s, and any other fear-based excuses to be made! In fact, it makes me feel a little regret that I've started to fall back into that myself! I swore I would NEVER buy a house here, let alone live here again... and, well... I did. And, I do.

Nick and I exchanged emails. I made a crack about my sex life and he cracked back. When I joked about how the sex must not have been that good since he hadn't been back for more... he told me sex just gets in the way, and he's trying to be a man of God. Okay, Nick. Lay off the booze! Surely he must be kidding! I am, by no means, against religion... or God... but Nick has either lost his mind, or I failed to get the joke! Anyway... regardless of whether or not he traded "ugly-bumpin'" for "bible-thumpin'"... I'm just not interested anymore!

So now... according to the polls... my choices are down to: George Clooney, or a therapist. I'm pretty cute, but I'm not foolish enough to think I could pass for one of George's runway-model-girlfriend-of-the-weeks. Sooooo... therapist? Well, therapists expect you to pay them, and I believe having sex with them is frowned upon. So (if I remember to) I will take down that poll, and replace it with a more life-applicable one by the beginning of next week.

There ya have it folks... I've got some McDonald's to digest. My cupboards are bare, and my wallet is too! I'm too tired to cook, and a greasy, cheesy, fat gram-laden burger sounded pretty damn nice. Sometimes ya gotta make do!

Ouch...

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=U6PGrub3jUc

I don't know if I am cracking under pressure... feeling things I haven't allowed myself to feel... or acknowledging my emptiness... but I am truly emotional tonight. I feel confined. Trapped. Restless. Misunderstood. Confused. Unsettled.

"Won't You Get Me Out...of FUNKYTOWN!!!"

What a funk I have been in! I've slept more than dead people the past few days!

The days kind of blur together after Wednesday, when Mack cancelled our date. I'm not sure if that blow of disappointment was the catalyst, but I slipped into a serious funk thereafter. I think it was Friday that I slept in, started watching the movie "Atonement", took a nap half way through, and then finished the film. Saturday was a repeat performance, only the movie was "I Like It Like That." I've discovered the "On Demand" button of my remote that allows me to watch a limited selection of movies through my cable provider. This comes in handy when you are up at the hours normal people don't watch TV... hence the infomercial onslaught.

I actually went outside today. Briefly. I filled the bird feeders and watered the hanging baskets. I thought that was all of the punishment the neighborhood could handle. I'm not exactly looking gorgeous after being holed up in the house for days.

I managed to muster up enough energy and thought to complete my preliminary draft for the assignment that is due tomorrow in class. I have yet to summon the Gods of Creativity to begin working on the major assignment that will be due the following week. Our "text only" draft is due Wednesday. Thankfully, I work quite well in "OH SHIT!" mode, and I have confidence that I will be able to produce.

But, first things first. I beg of myself, of someone, anyone... to get me out of FUNKYTOWN! I can't stay here much longer!