Madam Butterfly

Forgive me for my inability to sort through my brain and focus on posting juicy bits for my beloved readers!

Truth is I am experiencing wealth of emotions... suspended and spinning like a spider from a branch in the wind. As much as I feel committed to the next direction I'm going to take in my "career" life... I have to be honest and say that a little fear has settled in. Have you ever wanted something so bad... and then been equally afraid when you are about to get it? It took an academic counselor at the community college to bring this "fear of Failure" I have to my attention. Now, this took place a good 10 years ago, so I'm afraid my progress in overcoming it is minimal. I've had just about every opportunity I've ever wanted present itself to me... and then somehow managed to run swiftly away from it without being consciously aware of why I was running and where I was running to.

So here I am. Hanging up my running shoes. Without a job, and little money to my name... but an enormity of freedom to pursue my dreams of honoring my creative soul, my only "genius," my only true love... more and more feeling a driving force within telling me to "Go for it!" I may not be as honorable as Jewel and living out of a van... but I've plucked myself clean of meaningless "luxuries" and have just my meager living expenses to tend to. When will this chance come again in my life? Almost every great story about an artist of some form or the other involves a time of struggle and famine. I'm there! So, this is the next logical step... right? Taking that chance. A chance on me. A chance on doing what I've always dreamed of?

Don't think me foolish! I don't expect, nor truthfully care, to be a billion-dollar creative empire. I just want to be me. And being me shouldn't be so scary, now should it? It shouldn't be difficult, crazy, or unwise. It should be the obvious choice.

I'm an absolute "butterfly effect" junkie. Addicted to the beauty of the transformation of people, places and things. Why haven't I allowed myself to blossom, bend and bloom? Can I muster up the courage to come out of my cocoon and spread my wings... to land where life says I should? Give myself permission to be what I am... who I am... without a care in the world of the outcome, or who is standing beside me at the end of my flight?