I go to church every Sunday at midnight. With Joel Olsteen on channel 30. I almost missed "church" last night because I was, again, frantically job searching on the Internet. I was glad I caught the sermon... the timing of it could not be more applicable to me right now.
Joel's sermon, "Detoxing the Mind," was about removing the negative thoughts that keep us from our true destinations. I would not have argued with one eloquent word that he had to say.
But.
As much as I try to remain in faith and believe that by the grace of God, or some other power greater than myself, that I will get a job and my bills will be paid without extensive, complicated and creative mathematics... my reality is slapping me in the face every waking, and sleeping moment of my life!
Four weeks. I have four weeks to either find and harvest money from the mythical tree, or land a job in this crippled and mortally wounded (state name) economy. I haven't been to the grocery store in over a month and ate a ham sandwich for dinner. Nice for the waistline, but bad for the spirit.
I am fully aware that millions of people in the world have it worse than me. And, I am also fully aware that I am more than employable, and beyond ready to work. That, I haven't lost faith in...
Keeping my head above water... well... I might spend my last hundred dollars on an air tank to delay the impending doom and suffering.
I've even "lowered my standards" and applied to a less honorable position. And the reality of that is... I could care less if anyone has something to say about how I earn my money. Yes, I'm smart. Yes, I have a college degree. And, yes, I have an impressive resume. But, I also have a mortgage and a strange desire to eat something a little more savory than a ham sandwich. I also have a desire to make ends meet while I gamble on something bigger... bigger for me.
So hear I am... trapped in the middle of a bloody battle between faith and reality. Moments at which I want to scream... and moments when I want to cry. I'm a "swimmer," a "survivor" many a friend will say... but I'm also a human who has to put down the gloves once in awhile. I'm a lover, not a fighter after all... and I'm ready for the whistle to blow.
Joel's sermon, "Detoxing the Mind," was about removing the negative thoughts that keep us from our true destinations. I would not have argued with one eloquent word that he had to say.
But.
As much as I try to remain in faith and believe that by the grace of God, or some other power greater than myself, that I will get a job and my bills will be paid without extensive, complicated and creative mathematics... my reality is slapping me in the face every waking, and sleeping moment of my life!
Four weeks. I have four weeks to either find and harvest money from the mythical tree, or land a job in this crippled and mortally wounded (state name) economy. I haven't been to the grocery store in over a month and ate a ham sandwich for dinner. Nice for the waistline, but bad for the spirit.
I am fully aware that millions of people in the world have it worse than me. And, I am also fully aware that I am more than employable, and beyond ready to work. That, I haven't lost faith in...
Keeping my head above water... well... I might spend my last hundred dollars on an air tank to delay the impending doom and suffering.
I've even "lowered my standards" and applied to a less honorable position. And the reality of that is... I could care less if anyone has something to say about how I earn my money. Yes, I'm smart. Yes, I have a college degree. And, yes, I have an impressive resume. But, I also have a mortgage and a strange desire to eat something a little more savory than a ham sandwich. I also have a desire to make ends meet while I gamble on something bigger... bigger for me.
So hear I am... trapped in the middle of a bloody battle between faith and reality. Moments at which I want to scream... and moments when I want to cry. I'm a "swimmer," a "survivor" many a friend will say... but I'm also a human who has to put down the gloves once in awhile. I'm a lover, not a fighter after all... and I'm ready for the whistle to blow.
No comments:
Post a Comment