Frustrated Lady

Frustrated. I am frustrated!

I've been job searching... still. The postings continue to dwindle in number, and, I'm nowhere near qualified for the ones that are posted. It's a shame I'm petrified of needles. Had I pursued nursing... I'd never have been in this situation. I'm headed to the unemployment office to turn in some paperwork. One form they need isn't turning out the way my caseworker said it should... I don't know why. But, to make sure she doesn't think I'm happily sitting on my rear waiting for someone to come and strip me away from my meager possessions... I'm turning it in anyway.

Missed C.F. by 10 minutes last night. He had given me the impression that he might not have time to chat, so I went to bed. Only to find that he was eager to "catch up" with me when I checked my messages after waking up in the middle of the night. He sent me some very cute photos... so I obliged and sent some back. One in which I was pointing to the empty and available spot next to me in bed. Theoretically, it is supposed to be unattractive to be available to a man's every beckon call... so perhaps it was a good thing.

My Irishman has been a little aloof as of late. I had spent the day getting a package for him together. A card, letter, poem, "Love" assortment of chocolates, and a framed photo. But after not receiving responses to messages lately, I found myself second guessing him in the early morning. I sent him an email telling him that I felt something was up and that I wasn't going to continue sending messages to him. After I sent it, I had some regrets... but couldn't unsend it, so I was left with the potential consequences. Well, it got his attention, which wasn't really my intention. He has since written me an email and sent me two text messages. None of which I have responded to yet.

What am I doing? (I'm in analytical mode today.) I've got my emotions and energies wrapped up into two men that don't even live in the same state as I do. That I haven't even met in person. Is it truly possible to have a real, lasting romance with either one? And am I willing to meet them, find that our connection is indeed one that I have searched for my entire life... and then pine away for them until the next time we can coordinate schedules, travel arrangements, and time together??

So, I'm off to drop off paperwork. Pick up toothpaste. And get a haircut. My pre-C.F. spiff up. Then... oh help me... then... Todd will be coming over in the early evening to "hang out." I reluctantly agreed to spend time with him, since he had confessed, under the influence, that he has been wanting to take me on a date. I've been very careful not to give him that impression. I think he is a wonderful person. We've known each other for 20 years... but I'm dreading the thought of him swooping in for a kiss, or even touching me in the hopes of romance. I hate that! Friends who develop romantic feelings that you don't have in return... UGH! Such a delicate situation. I really, really, really want to cancel...