Oh GR8 Pre-Date

Tomorrow is my big adventure by train for a first date in an eastern town... and I had been looking forward to it all week... until today. Even though I earlier weighed in a loss of four pounds for the week, I now bear the bloated burden of womanhood with a bonus case of moodiness.

Yesterday, I was the only person in the office until 10:00 a.m. Secretly, I was a little peeved because my co-workers didn't feel the need to report their delays and months ago I was reminded how important that was to do when I accidentally left a message on the wrong phone extension informing the staff of my own delay. You know, those rules that apply to you, but no one else that get on your last nerve. Anyway, after working all day, I went straight to Chester's so his wife, son and daughter in law could go to dinner, and immediately after that, I went to a city meeting to give a presentation for work. It was one long fucking day.

Of course, last night I slept poorly and when the alarm went off I was not thrilled. But, it was Friday, which meant I could get away with wearing jeans and a sweater, so I skipped all of the usual fuss and threw my hair into a ponytail. Morning routine time total: 20 minutes.

Continuing my crabbiness was morning traffic that included being stuck behind the I-don't-need-to-clean-snow-off-my-windows guy that weaves in and out of lanes blindly. After arriving at the office, I checked my email to see if a week long dispute over items I had ordered to have before my date weekend had been resolved, or even replied to. It hadn't.

Okay, now I am officially pissed off.

I spent over an hour, being transferred to and speaking with four different people, only to be put on the hold that really means you've been hung up on. I called back asking to speak with the person I was supposed to have been transferred to and again, the "please hold" oops-we-hung-up-on you thing.

Fucking pissed off.

Trying to defuse my anger, I attempted the old breathe deep thing while playing a song that usually makes me happy. I managed not to explode, however, the song did fail to bring me any short-term joy. Shortly thereafter, my co-worker attempted to resolve a similar three week long work-related situation. During her voicemail, she threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau.

"You go girl!" I said excitedly. "Don't put up with that crap. What is it with businesses these days... in an economy like this?!"

"I know! It's bullshit!" she replied.

Simultaneously, we searched our computers for the Better Business Bureau site, gleefully hunting for complaint records. Finding comfort in our mutual misery, my spirits lifted. But I had so much work to do...

I managed to escape the office an hour early... which was an hour past my intended departure time. I was on the hunt for a date outfit (read jeans that actually fit), travel toothpaste, a good book to read on the train, and an overnight bag. On my way into a store, a man with his family smiled and nodded. As I went to say hello, I accidentally swallowed my gum!!

Finally! I'm smiling! Laughing! Who swallows gum at 38 years old?! I walked through the aisles giggling to myself as I noticed the minty taste at the back of my throat and thought about the bizarre (yet untrue) consequences parents tell you result from swallowing gum when you're a little kid.

For the most part, I found what I was looking for, and since the gum incident, I have been in a more pleasant mood. I did forget to stop at the library to get my book, but I'm going to my mom's to pluck one off her bookcase. Surely it will have that oddly pleasant "old book smell" and it's yellowed pages will add a touch of charm suitable to an afternoon train ride. I've started packing my bag and soon will paint my nails... beginning the tedious grooming rituals us women go through for our first dates.

I hope to sleep well, have a pleasant morning, and look smashing when I depart for the depot...

(to be continued...)

Creative Math

Today I made a valiant attempt to pay a shit pile of bills with the one turd I've been trying to polish for the last ten months... and let's just say, it didn't go very well. Something had to give...

So, I pondered my options.

Instantly, flashbacks of the onslaught of bailouts and Ponzi schemes flickered through my head. And that's where my solution came from. I think I'm on to something...All of this crazy economic collapse crap is a direct result of "creative math." Virtually every headline has something to do with the irresponsible use of creative math. We've got governors playing "Ebay" with Senate seats, playing "Hide and Go Seek" with unemployment... banks playing "Barbie Dream House" with bailout funds, donkeys and elephants playing "Tug of War" with Monopoly money... leaving us all stuck in a terrible game of "Clue;" so why can't I play "Fraction Subtraction" with my utility bills?

I'm not sure what happens when you only pay a fraction of your utility bills, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Fact of the matter is, I couldn't afford the entire amount due. And if "everybody else is doing it" why can't I, albeit for honest reasons? If banks, giant corporations, and government officials aren't held accountable for their expenses, then why should that one girl in that one town be? If you compare my potential financial fallout to the forementioned, I'm a taxpayer bargain! I could be bailed out for less than one cent per taxpayer...

My Cup of Tea

I'm content on my couch, sipping a cup of Irish Breakfast Tea. Reflecting on a day of relaxation and contemplative thoughts.



Enduring the economic crisis, without a job, and at times, without hope, for nine months, has been a powerful experience. And although I don't desire to remain in this state of uncertainty, I can strongly say that surviving this has taught me many valuable lessons, and reaffirmed new discoveries of, and about myself.



This is what I know: Corporate America is not my cup of tea. I realize that there are some good companies out there somewhere, but my personal experiences left me disenchanted. Poor decisions driven by profit alone, disregard for humanity... again solely for profit, hypocrisy... I saw this at all levels. This greed-driven business mindset is exactly what has left many of these very victimized workers out in the cold. Jobless. Hopeless.



I'm no Mother Teresa, but I do believe that people who are treated with respect and kindness work harder. Pride in the environment within which most of us spend some 2,000 hours a year, makes for a happier life. I've lived the unhappy one, in the throes of Corporate America, and now I'm ready to risk the falsified security of working in Corporate America, for a life I can truly call my own.



Some of my lifestyle downsizing was forced upon me, however, I had been heading in the direction of a simpler life for two years. I was never one who valued material things in excess, but I did enjoy many a carefree year in my youth. Buying outfits for events an hour before they occurred, driving new cars, going out, thinking little of throwing something on a charge card... I did it. Changing these irresponsible, and mindless ways, wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. And the rewards of controlling your finances, not being controlled by the lacking of them... amazing!



I pulled myself out of financial ruin, cleaned up my credit and bought a house. Everything was finally going my way...



But was it?



Soon after, I found myself without a job for the first time in 22 years. Well, if you count my paper routes, it was actually 27 years. Fear of losing all that I had worked so hard for began to consume me. Once again, I felt I was controlled by Corporate America. I had to rely on their stability to be able to provide jobs. I had to rely on their wish to employ me. I had to rely on the paycheck to maintain my current life.



Or did I?



Thankfully, I have managed to survive on less than $1,000 a month. I have proven to myself, that I can make it. This experience has not only given me strength, it has provided me with a bottom floor. My current income is my bottom floor. It would be virtually impossible to make less... I could work part time for $8 an hour and still maintain the roof over my head.



My point to be made here, is that I am in a position to take that risk, and pursue my own career. Of course I know it won't be easy, but I doubt that it could get any harder than it has been! Why spend my time searching for jobs that don't exist, or that are about to disappear? Do I really want to ignore all of my personal growth and just fall back into a life that holds little meaning?

No!

My focus will now be on my new found strength, and developing courage... It's time to believe in myself, and stay true to who I am. To cease making accommodations and excuses... It's time.

I know I've been telling you this tale for some time, and I risk boring you of it. But, I've got to continue to process these thoughts. Express them. Make them real. Putting your thoughts on "paper" requires action, and so does personal success.

Knowing is half the battle...

12-Step Program for the American Economy?

The first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem.

Today's news finally states that, yes, our economy is in a recession. In fact, it has now been admitted that we have been in this recession for over a year now.

No Shit?

Okay. So it's time for rehab, Mr. American Economy. You'll be needing a sponsor. Let me recommend Warren Buffet...

Mr. American Economy, you have admitted that you were powerless over money, and that your spending had become unmanageable. Congratulations. Step one of your program has been successfully completed.

Let's get to step two. "Came to believe that a Power greater than yourself, Mr. American Economy, could restore you to sanity." Looks like you have a few choices for that "power" here: bailouts, criminal charges, soaring unemployment rates, borrowing from the lead-ridden country of China, or plead with your sponsor, Warren Buffet.

Step Three: "Made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understood him." Oh, I'm sure you're praying... hell, you've been on your knees for awhile!

Step Four: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself." I suggest you take your time with this one, Mr. American Economy. Admitting you are a sodomist and have been stickin' it to the asses of innocent Americans, isn't going to make you a popular guy.

Step Five: "Admitted to God, yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs." Do we have time for this?Step Six: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character." I'm not sure that you are ready for this removal, Mr. American Economy, however, since down-sizing appears to be trendy, and you've removed just about everything else, including the American public's dignity... why not just go with it?

Step Seven: "Humbly asked him to remove your shortcomings." What's that up to now? About $975 bazillion trillion?

Step Eight: "Made a list of all persons you had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." Might sound like quite a task, but this basically means the entire world population. You can start with me, and a check for $100,000...

Step Nine: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Trust me, I won't be injured by that check for $100,000; and if you can't come up with it, give me Sarah Palin's campaign wardrobe and I'll hock the shit on Ebay.

Step Ten: "Continued to take personal inventory and when you were wrong promptly admitted it." Uh... I'd focus on the prompt part, there is no "inventory" left.

Step Eleven: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God as you understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for you and the power to carry that out." I'm pretty sure He doesn't want you to keep screwin' millions of people, so don't overthink it, Mr. American Economy.

Step Twelve: "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, you tried to carry this message to failing economies, and to practice these principles in all of your affairs." Well... surely we've all seen the light, thankfully, right before the electricity gets cut off.

Best of luck to you in your recovery, Mr. American Economy... unfortunately, I have a feeling this is going to take a lot more than 28 days.

Reprieve from anger...

Finally at least one bit of news I can mostly agree with...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080924/ap_on_bi_ge/financial_meltdown

Electric Avenue!

I decided to call the electric company to find out how my bill was suddenly $100 higher than it normally is. I also wanted to know how my usage was double that of my highest month ever! I'm unemployed! I'm single, and I'm also mindful of waste and its impact on the environment. That means I am watching every frickin' penny going out and I don't have every light on in the house! Adding a hundred dollars to your monthly budget, unexpectedly, is not something I'm going to do... nor just accept as fact! So, I called.

Immediately, I was greeted by a recording that said they were only taking calls for emergencies at this time. Oh, bullshit you are! I decided to let it play out. They must have been counting on people hanging up, because it then listed my "normal" options in the automated menu.

I press "5," blah, blah blah...

Press "6," blah blah blah...

"All of our customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers. All calls will be answered in the order in which they are received. Your approximate wait time is 7 minutes."

Yeah, I'll wait 7 minutes to find out why you're raping me for a hundred bucks!

2:58 in... "All of our customer service representatives...."

You said that already.

Finally, I get "Carrie" on the phone. "Hi, Carrie, I was wondering if you could help me understand my bill. My highest usage ever was 596 kwh. My bill for this month, shows 1059 kwh. AND, it's $100 more than usual!"

"Yeah, that seems high. Let me grab a high bill." She puts me on hold.

What?

A ringing sound begins, followed by the beloved recording that I now know by heart and have begun translating in 3 different languages, "All of our customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers. All calls will be answered in the order in which they are received."

11:00 minutes have passed.

"Thank you for calling ____. This is Thelma. How may I help you?"

"Hi Thelma. I'm concerned as to why my bill is so high. I was wondering if you would help me understand what is going on."

"What is your account number?"

There are numbers all over this thing! I'm looking at the top, expecting to find it there... "I'm not locating it."

"It is at the top, in the green box."

There isn't a green box anywhere on my bill! But, I manage to find it and read it to her. She repeats it back to me. Then... she puts me on hold.

17:00 minutes and counting...

She's back. Apologizes for the system running slowly. We go over the numbers. She asks me to go outside and read the meter. Reads off the numbers to verify that it is the correct meter. It appears to be working.

Upon further investigation, she directs my attention to my May-June bill that was $6. (My bills are normally $35.) I retrieve the bill from my files.

"This shows as estimated. Why would they estimate my bill at 1 kwh?"

"They were changing account numbers and estimated everyone's bills at 1 to get the numbers in the system so they couldn't get readings that month."

Really?! The meter numbers didn't change. Why can't you take readings!?

"Still... that's an awfully high bill. You're telling me that it was double my normal bill for two months in a row?"

"Also, rates went up in June, so your bill will be higher."

AH-HA!!!!!! You communist corporate sodomists!

"Oh! So what they did, was estimated everyone's May-June bill at 1, so they could charge them the June HIGHER RATE for the month of May!! That's what they did!"

She begins to back-pedal.

"You can't tell me that they would estimate everyone at 1 kwh to 'change account numbers' and not have that income and profits come in for an entire month. They are trying to profit off us by charging us the higher rate they new was going to occur!"

26:23 "Let me talk to accounting."

27:54 It's the famous recording again. I'm now singing it backwards in Polish, while doing cartwheels.

32:48 Thelma tells me she's notified accounting. "Well what happens now," I ask. "You'll get a correction on your bill." Thelma tells me. I get the impression Thelma is now uncomfortable... "Thank you, Thelma."

What kind of malarkey is this!?!??!!? A giant corporate entity cannot tell me that this wasn't a calculated move. Were they counting on my stupidity? Not being able to spend 33 minutes to get to the bottom of this? Screw that!!!! Fuck that!!!! I'll tell you what I WON'T do! I won't let corporate America screw the little people just trying to survive!!!

So... I sent a news tip to the local news station...

Corporate Cable Gods

FRUSTRATIONS! UGH! I had trouble with my cable for over two months. I'm not in love with T.V., so I sure as hell don't aim to fight tooth and nail to watch it. The company offers 24hr/365 days a year "customer service." Really. Maybe they meant to say, "It will take you at least a total of 24 hours and maybe up to 365 days to resolve your problem and get what you pay for."

During each of my "convenient" online chats to get things working, a signal was sent from outer space to my dysfunctional equipment. Always with the same result... nothing. Follow that with a "ma'am it can take up to one hour." Really. Don't you mean one month?

I finally took more time out of my day and called to schedule an in-house appointment, since apparently that would be TOO convenient to do in an online chat. I asked about a credit to my account, considering I was not receiving what they happily charged me for. "Well, if they determine there is a problem, a credit may be issued." Look lady... I'm not calling you because I'm lonely and looking to make new friends! I'm calling you, because there IS A PROBLEM! HELLO!

Once I finally got a guy to come out to fix it, the neighborhood had lost power. Nice. Thanks, God. Is that you telling me T.V. is the communication device of the devil? Mr. Repair Guy thought he was getting out of this one. Oh know you don't, buddy! I had him come by and drop off the new box.

Power on. Cable still not working right.

Call for another appointment. Schedule yet another two hours out of my day, to sit and wait for some guy to make my T.V. work properly. I'm starting to feel like I need to be doing more important things than guarantee that I can watch the latest poorly acted movie on Lifetime, even though I know I won't. This is beginning to make no sense! Mr. Repair Guy doesn't show. Pissed.

Call yet again. Finally talk to someone who violates all of the sodomistic practices of modern-day Corporate America, and tells the truth! I explained to her that it was obvious to me that no one, all the way down the line of this journey, had left any type of notes, or remarks on my account, and that is why they were so clueless to my battle to get what I pay for! I don't HAVE to be understanding, but I chose to. There is no policy! No requirement to track service issues! Really. Sounds like a great plan. Let people continuously fail to get problems resolved,and call up your underpaid, under trained and over worked staff, angry as all fiery hell, make them quit, and force you to perpetuate the revolving door of hiring, firing and quitting. Corporate America needs to quit focusing solely on profit, and find efficient means of taking care of it's employees and customers! (Thanks for letting me vent.)

Finally, another appointment. Two months have now passed. This time, the risky HONEST employee, that probably could have been fired for being honest with me, made sure that notes were left and a supervisor assisted in the service call. My cable line had to be reinstalled. Okay! We're over it, right?

WRONG! Last month's bill showed no credit whatsoever. Not even 10 cents. I gave them the benefit of the doubt... perhaps the bill and credit crossed in the mail, or the magical signals from outer space. I wasn't calling them again. Shit, I've invested more time in the cable company then any relationship I've had in the last year.

Next bill arrives today. No credit. Alright, damn't, I'm calling. I get bounced around in their lovely automated system, like a pinball you know is going right between the bumpers and back into the black hole. "Holly" was pissy. I asked to speak to a supervisor. Houston, we're back in space. Recording. I've been zapped into "f-u, customer" land. I call back. I get "Leslie" this time. I kindly, yes really, tell her that I am losing my patience and putting this much time and effort into the ability to pay for and watch television has simply become ridiculous to me. She credits my account for two months. (I should have pushed for three and a free pizza for pain and suffering).

I pose this question to the almighty corporate cable Gods: "Why does it take me over two months, a half a dozen online chats, three service appointments, and 7 phone calls to solve a problem with your company... yet, you don't miss a beat sending me a bill?"