In the Grand Scheme of Things...

It's a slow afternoon here in "Shitsville." I migrated from the bed to the couch after too-few hours of sleep. Answering emails and searching for jobs. Searching for jobs. S-e-a-r-c-h-i-n-g...

I think I just nodded off for a second.

Anyway, I had a visitor! Well, he wasn't really here to see me, he was just doing his job and dropping off the mail. (I'm attempting to pretend I have some sort of exciting social life here.) It must be National Junk Mail Day, as I received not one bit of personal mail... not even a bill! I received a coupon flyer, certificates for "Mystery Points" from a casino, a "Honda Summer Clearance" mailer, and an invitation to start a "free checking" account at a local bank. (Apparently these people are unaware that I don't have a job, nor a secret stash of riches! ) If I sign up for an account at the bank, they will give me a free "Northern Gravity Gear Carry All;" a "versatile backpack" with a "cooler for drinks and snacks on the bottom and a roomy main compartment on top."

So here's my plan:

1. Go to the bank to open my "free checking account." Ask them to overlook the fact that I have no money to put in it, and to "Please fill my free backpack with Diet Coke, chili cheese Fritos, and bundles of one-hundred dollar bills."

2. Hitchhike to casino with "Mystery Points" certificates in hand. Cash in "Mystery Points." Hit Jackpot. (Or rich-looking man over head.) Put winnings (or muggings) in "roomy main compartment."

3. Hitchhike to local Honda Dealer for the "Honda Summer Clearance Sale." Offer the sales guy a Diet Coke and some chili cheese Fritos; while I try to negotiate 99% off the sticker price. Drive home in my Honda Fit.

4. Turn on the T.V., eat the rest of the chili cheese Fritos, and wait for gas coupons in tomorrow's mail...

Frolic: FOILED!

The dishes are done. The sheets are fresh. The toilet's clean. I shaved my legs. "Trimmed the hedges." My outfit: selected. My hair looks... great!

And Mack's not coming.

He sent me a text. "Can't make it tonite. I wish you lived closer." That's it. I got the text while I was in class and stepped out to call him. He didn't answer. I expected that. I'm a firm believer that text messaging is the "easy way out." As far as the "wished you lived closer" part... I feel that was a way to distract from the fact that he was ditching me on his own accord.

I'm so disappointed! I was looking forward to seeing him, and definitely anticipating some fabulous frolicking! I think I may have to start double-booking dates so that when one cancels, I still have something to look forward to! That's awful! Damn't!

I did get an eyeful of several shirtless joggers on my way home from class as a consolation prize! They were everywhere! I would like to personally thank them for providing me with at least SOME sort of male-inspired satisfaction!

I attend a university about 20 miles from my hometown. Although logistically they aren't far apart, socioeconomically, there are worlds between them! As I neared my hometown, the sexy, shirtless joggers disappeared, and the up-to-no-good, wanna-be "gangstas" and hopeless hookers emerged. It's like a picture book for depression!

So, I'm home, alone. Dateless. I cooked myself spaghetti for dinner, and have retreated to the couch. Since I've pretty much written off the two boys... I'll have to prepare to resume the hunt and locate some new "prey." It's sooooooooooo exhausting! A proverbial jungle out there!

Game ON!

So this is Mack!!!!!!

Okay. He wishes... and I certainly wish it too! It's really Gilles Marini, the hot guy in the shower in the "Sex in the City" movie. Mack might not look like him, but he could... with a vivid imagination... and maybe a bottle of Vodka. Mmmmm...

Oh yeah.

Anyway, I'm up too late. As usual. I have some things to do in the morning and must have everything in order at the house before I leave for class at 3 p.m. I should be getting my beauty/sexcapade sleep! Not that we are for sure having sex, but, it's a good thing to keep your options open, right? My intention was: to finish my housework tonight, get a good night's sleep, pick out my "date outfit," print my assignment for class, go to class... and then jet back home in time to sex up my look before Mack arrives. Our instructor has let us out early each time. So help me if she doesn't this time... I won't make it here before he does! Then I won't have time to change! Fix my hair! This could get tricky.


I was up... am up... because a very cute, witty fellow messaged me on the site. He's from another state. About 3 1/2 hours away. I'll throw in a blah -blah -blah here and get right to my concern. He says he hasn't been on a date in a year. A year! A handsome, personable man, not on a date in a year. He says he's picky. I get that. He's "not into the wham-bam-thank-you-mam" scene. Oh my. I used to get that too... but after I quit getting "it" for so long because I was getting that, I loosened up my attitude towards gratuitous sex. I can appreciate what he says... but I'm not sure I can believe that a 39 year-old man hasn't dated in a year. Unless he isn't including adult relations in the "date" category. Sorry! I just find that very very hard to believe! Men, at least the men I know, wouldn't wait one month! I've gone a long time without sex. Maybe even a year... and the hell if I'm doing that again! Especially at this age. When you are in your thirties, no one really gives a shit about following any rules or who is going to spread rumors about your indiscretions... if anything, they become concerned if you AREN'T having sex.

I'm a healthy woman. According to theory, I'm also in my "prime." And I have adopted the life is too short philosophy! Put that all together and you get a woman who is going to get laid, damn't! I'm done waiting for Mr. Right. Done worrying about a notch on the bedpost. Done caring what someone might think. Sex isn't taboo! And it isn't everyone's business! (With the exception of hookers, of course.)

It's on! 8 p.m. Wednesday night. Let the games begin!

My New "Romance"

Just as the gladiolas have decided to bloom, I have decided to open up my "petals" and enjoy the sun. I went outside for a bit, with some work, ice water, and a radio. The sky was radiant. Powdery-blue. Birds flitting about, squirrels stealing apples from the neighbor's tree. I was comfy... relaxed... until a bead of sweat rolled down my face... It was HOT AS BLAZES! Apparently, I did not get the memo that our "misery index" was quite high here. I lasted a whole 45 minutes before I sought the cool consolation of the indoors.

I quickly grabbed a refreshing shower, got dressed and headed out. I went to the post office to mail some birthday cards and a bill. Then I went to the library. I haven't been to the library in years. I do know how to read. And I like to read. But, I've been bogged down with text books since January and have not managed to do much "pleasure reading." Something about the library really stimulated me. I wandered the aisles with a gleeful gaze. So many intriguing covers and titles. Something about the atmosphere had me aching to cozy up with a book.

Reality set in.

I don't have enough free time to check out 2o books that beg for my brain's attention, so I selected one. "How to Become a Famous Writer Before You're Dead," by Ariel Gore. I can think of a lot worse things to become before I die, so I thought I would check it out. When I was a young girl, I was published in a local collection in third grade. All through high school and into college, my teachers encouraged me to write. I've always enjoyed it. I love the escape into emotion it provides while you focus on your pen and paper, or the laptop keyboard. I crave the freedom of uninterrupted expression. The solitude and intimacy between your mind and the written word. Writing and I have reunited after being apart for many, many years.

Writing is filling a void for me. It is helping me process my circumstances and emotions. I have no expectation to become a "Famous Writer Before I'm Dead," but I will entertain the small voice that is guiding me to do so. And just as I have survived many a conversation with no one listening, I will survive writing with no one reading... if that shall be the case. Right now, I will revel in the romance I'm having.. with my mind.

Takin Care of Business!

The nice thing about living alone is that you can do whatever you want and not have to answer to a soul. The bad thing is... no one is around to tell you to get off your ass and get on with your life! I was in a bit of a "funk" Saturday night and into late afternoon on Sunday. Stuck in my pajamas. Leaving little messes here and there, like Pig Pen. I've managed to cover my coffee table with nail polish bottles, bills, an empty Diet Coke can, and a planner with no plans in it. I have papers strewn about the dining room table, dishes in the kitchen... clean and dirty. Sequined flip-flops by the front door and clothes on the dresser. Too add to the ambiance, my cat puked on my bed. I'm a literal mess!

Deciding to make an effort to repair my state of mind, I got up early this morning and got right to business. The sun was shining, and my spirit was a little brighter. My work for class is done. EARLY! I'm a true procrastinator. One of those people who's genius surfaces under pressure... so this was shocking and new to me.

Nick is on the DL... the dick list! I had sent him a message on Saturday night, asking if he could "come out and play." And I heard nothing back. Until today. It was a lame excuse, and we know each other well enough that I find his dishonesty to be rather insulting. I'm over it.

However, it appears that Mack and I will be seeing each other on Wednesday night! After I get home from class. Looks like I will need to do a little tidying up!!!! I'm wondering how I will be able to transform from studious-girl to sexy woman before he arrives at my door! Maybe twirl around the room; like Wonder Woman? I hate to sound like a slut... but I have plans to ravage him. At LEAST once. I'm ready to cheat! On myself! (I'm the only person that I have had relations with as of late!) Mack and I enjoyed some naughty banter in a chat... and I am ready, willing, and able to get right down to that business!

No Rhythm... Just Blues

Temporary Depression. Here I am.

I was up all night, completely enthralled with the world; all of the amazing people that are out there... everywhere, and wondering how I had become so disconnected to it. To them. To people. To me. I had reached out to the world via MySpace. Blindly. Requesting friendship from complete strangers... exploring their profiles and photographs. I found a common thread. So many creative and beautiful souls; many pondering the riddle of life, just as I am. In just a few hours and click -clacks of the keys of my laptop, I had once again found the spirit of human existence. What the hell have I been doing all of these years? What has happened to my life? So much time: wasted! Thank you to everyone who has jumped aboard my torment train. You have enlightened me!

My dear friend who is a few states away finally called me today. I've been worried as hell about her. She has been going through the same pains as I have: unexpectedly unemployed, late-thirties and loveless. Both of us have all of the time in the world to support each other, but not a penny in our pockets to travel. I'm in a financial prison. America is in trouble, especially the state that I live in. Each day there are news reports of layoffs, shutdowns, foreclosures, skyrocketing gas prices and unemployment rates. I've been sending resumes and cover letters out daily, and get nary a call back or interview. I've been unemployed since the beginning of May and it is taking it's toll on me... picking away at my spirit a little each day. By the grace of God, I am collecting unemployment, as I was permanently laid off. And again, by the grace of God, I am able to pay my mortgage, and living expenses, and have about $80 to spare for the month.

The connection here... the one that I am struggling to eloquently make, is that I miss my life, I miss LIVING, I miss my friend! Yet, I do not have the finances to do a damn thing about it! I truly fear that I may have to become a middle-aged stripper in a dirty, dumpy, drinking hole! I went to see the movie, "Sex in The City," with my aunt (it was at the cheap flicks for $3) and I was about to cry through the entire film! Not because it was sad, or because I was overjoyed that they reunited to make this picture... because I can't tell you the last time I went out with the girls, or had to mourn a break-up. Because it reminded me how beautiful being connected to humans really is. If someone hurts you terribly, that means you have felt love in your heart. If you become angry with a friend, that means you have enjoyed the gift of companionship. I want to see my friend so terribly. Too giggle over lunch. Sneak peeks of handsome men. Get out! Enjoy the world and it's wonderful population of soul-searchers!

I'm youthful, healthy, intelligent, spirited, and maybe even sexy. What the hell am I doing here, in this old empty house, in a depressed town, without a job, without a man, and without my friends?

eeeeeeek!!!!!!

Damn't!!! WHERE IS A MAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM? At 5:45 a.m., he's probably sleeping, perhaps snoring, and maybe scratchin' "the boys." I've been up all night writing, and was about to go to bed... only to discover a MOUSE IN MY HOUSE! I'm a pretty tough broad, but I can't stand suffering... and my damn cats are running around, passing off this poor mouse as if it were a basketball in the NBA finals! The poor thing gets away for a moment... I SCREAM, and then SCREAM again, frantically trying to figure out how to save it! This is a time when I want a damn man around... to rescue... THE MOUSE!

It's Politically Correct to be an "Unmarried Woman"

In case you guys are wondering what sexy, available woman do on a Friday night... we sit on the couch, at home, alone, with a bag of bad Boy Scout popcorn and watch movies from the 70's about being single. I didn't realize they said "Fuck" in the movies back then! It's almost like the original Sex In The City, which brings to light the eternal torment of love and dating. I was 7 when this movie came out.

My only problem with boys then, was trying to beat them up on the playground without getting caught; or trying to kick their ass in dodge ball. Those were the days! I still have a scar on my ankle from a kick soccer wound I received in 1978. Back then, I was "in love" with Paul, the "new kid." He plucked every last bloom from his mothers lilac bush and dropped them into my arms from his perch on the roof of their garage. Talk about ROMANCE! I returned my affection by kicking him in the nuts, everyday, thereafter, at lunchtime. I didn't know what nuts were back then, so don't think I was an abusive child! I remember sitting in the office. The principal nervously trying to explain that I could not kick boys "there." He never got into detail as to why it was forbidden, and a little part of me always wondered what the big secret was. I didn't begin to understand "nuts," "balls," "the twins..." until about 12. In my second semester of college, I got to learn the complicated inner-workings of the testicles in Biology.... it was then that I began to appreciate them. Fascinating little buggers they are!

So, back to 2008... again, I'm home watching a movie on a Friday night. Nick is at work. Mack went to a ballgame. Mack might be in for Sunday (after I "dared" him to have fun with me in an email) and Nick says that the reason he doesn't ask to come over or see me is that he's "insecure" and doesn't want to "impose." I've decided that both of these gents are: passive-aggressive, potentially alcoholic, non-committal, and emotionally unavailable. Sounds bad when you put it all together in one sentence, doesn't it?!?! Hey, we've all got our issues. If we didn't, single people might not exist, which would result in the death of dating sites, matchmakers, cologne sales, fitness equipment, singles bars, singles cruises, mail order brides, divorce attorneys, lingerie shops, condom factories, STD clinics... hundreds of billions of dollars LOST!!!!! My tortured singlehood is supporting the American Economy! It's PATRIOTIC! POLITICALLY CORRECT! Ah ha!

Power to the People!!

I've decided to seek the wisdom and insight of others to assist me in attaining the goals of "success like I've never known, and love like I've never felt." YOU, yes, you, are cordially invited to participate in the polls. Since I haven't quite mastered the fields of success and love, after 36 years and two weeks... I've decided to enlist the troops. The masses. Help me find my way!

A Sign of 69

Is my astrological sign doomed? I'm a Cancer. CANCER. I mean, come on, it sounds like doom! I've noticed that a high majority of guys that contact me on the site are also Cancers. Are we all just a bunch of misunderstood creatures, hiding in various shaped shells... Is it that there just isn't enough room in our shells for someone else? Are people turned off by our claws?? Anyone who has seen the symbol for the sign has certainly noticed the "69." What is that about? Is that a guaranteed perk of this astrological distinction? I think not!

B4

Oh my head hurts. What the hell am I doing?

Nick stopped over last night. Late last night. And was he ever attempting to solve the riddle that is him. I'm feeling a little pressure here. The more that he opens up to me and allows himself to be vulnerable... the more responsible I feel I have to be in regards to his feelings. I'm not a heartless bitch. Never have been. I just feel like I'm going to hurt him... I know this is the roll of the dice that we all take when we entertain the idea of a relationship... but, why does this feel so serious?

I can't help it. I'm dying to see Mack. We really did have a great time together. However, he's contemplating moving to Florida. Again, why worry about what isn't... but, I still think it would suck. I've just got to see what another date would be like. And I want to do it soon. Before I get too bogged down with my final project. Before I get a job. Before he moves to Florida, and before Nick gets me cornered.

Nick Mack Paddy Whack Give This Girl a Bone!

What gives? Ugh. Mack and I messaged each other on the site... he's flying back tomorrow. He "had fun!!!" I have a "hot ass," it was "nice to have great conversation and attraction in one location..." He wants to get together. But doesn't commit to a day or time, or even suggest one. Just a "we'll talk sooner than later."

Nick is messaging. Flirting. But again, no date.

Is Friday at 8 too difficult? Come on fellas...

Sighting

I spotted him! The apparently rare hot guy on campus! I've been casually searching for him for weeks. Summer semesters aren't very popular, so the odds of hot-guy-sightings are very low. This young man was tall, had slightly longer dark hair under a ball cap, long lovely legs... and such a mischievous expression. His body was lean... he was HOT! I would seriously have taken his picture if I had a camera handy. I've damn sure paid enough in tuition to get a free photo of some eye candy! If only I were anywhere near twenty-something...

I was waiting outside for my conference with our professor. I had arrived early. A cute, but blond, guy from class saw me waiting and let me know that the professor was running early for appointments and to just go ahead and go in. He reassured me that all would be well, and then asked my name. He introduced himself as "Steve" and shook my hand. Such a polite and nice young man. I went inside and ran into Chris. He's in his last semester and also in the service. Again a nice fellow. I hadn't talked with him much in class. His youth was evident in his conversation... When young boys talk to me, I almost feel naughty. The majority of them have no clue that I could almost be their mother. Well, actually, if I were to have had a child in my VERY early teens... I could be their mother!

I have made a decision. (Let's see how long this one lasts!) I'm going to try and do things in a new way. For instance, instead of going to the same grocery store I always do, I went to the one near the university. I certainly can't expect my man circumstances to change if my personal ones do not. And, my life has become quite boring, honestly. I'm still unemployed, so I don't have a lot of money for these pursuits, but any little twist of fate can lead to new and exciting things. I'm ready for new. I'm ready for exciting. And am I EVER ready for a job. Endless writings and tweakings of cover letters and resumes have me never wanting to job hunt again... hell, I might not spend another penny so that if I ever do become unlucky enough to be unemployed again; I can just stay that way.

Are Men Really Ape-Shit?

I've taken a few days off from playing with boys... but I have made a few random observations. I caught the end of a show about sex. I always miss the good parts! But, they were interviewing a man who claims that men are incapable of monogamous relationships and that women should absolutely not expect this of them. Scientists were backing up his statement with evidence that monogamy is not natural at all. This man makes money by providing his "wisdom" to confused and scorned women via the Internet. Now, I will say that part of me believes this. I believe it in the sense that I feel people don't spend enough time and effort into examining the true potential of their mate. I think people are afraid of being alone and, therefore, overlook obvious hurdles to eternal bliss. I also think it isn't very realistic to be continuously evolving individuals, evolving in the same direction. The idea of it is very beautiful... but is, and should be, very unattainable. I also acknowledge that there are some men (and women) who either have an addiction to sex, or are very "free-spirited." As long as a man is honest about what he wants and where things are, or aren't, going, what's the harm? But really, are men truly just one body wax away from primate-like promiscuity?

Also, an email pal of mine on the dating site said he was going to a "meet and greet." Turns out he was meeting a blond woman for drinks. I said, "Isn't that a date?" Apparently, it isn't. Now this meet and greet thing... is this yet something else I need to learn!!! I knew I had taken myself off the shelf for awhile... but has the world of dating really changed this much?

As for an update on the "battle of the sexes," Mack should be returning from Florida any day now, and Nick sent me an email. I have no HOT, or even lukewarm, dates on the agenda as of yet...

My First Day

So today was my first day as a 37 year-old unmarried, unemployed woman. I must say it was a success! That is the joy to be found in a minimalist existence... you can't really fuck it up! I feel good. I don't think I look any different. I got carded for cigarettes today too! The clerk actually noticed that my birthday was yesterday. I had thanked her for carding me, and she replied, "Well we have to card anyone who looks under 30, and I didn't think you were 30 at all." Clerks should get bonuses for that! If I had some spare change, I surely would have tipped her!

I received a text wishing me a "Happy Birthday" from Mack. I sent him a message telling him that when he gets back to town he should buy a couple gallons of frosting, glue a candle to his head and come over. "I want CAKE!" I said.

The only cake I got for my birthday was the Boston Creme cake I finally broke down and bought for myself tonight. I was craving cake. I never crave cake. Maybe we are genetically programmed to want cake for our birthdays. During my mission, I realized that I enjoy great freedom in my life. I am not one of those women that obsesses over food and calorie counts. I eat pretty well. I naturally enjoy vegetables and all the other "good-for-you" stuff. And, if I feel like eating a heaping bowl of ice cream... I do it! We only have one go-round in life. I'd rather risk an extra eighth of an inch on my thighs, then not enjoy something fattening, calorie-packed, and DELICIOUS! I pity women who are so preoccupied with perfection or unrealistic body image goals, that everything they put in their mouths sparks pangs of guilt and regret. Either I have been seriously blessed genetically... or it really isn't THAT hard. I work out a few times a week. Nothing crazy. Usually 30 minutes. Toning with light hand and ankle weights. I don't have my treadmill here yet, so I'm not even doing cardio. And, I am not having sex to burn off calories in the most fabulous way. Luck? I'm not sure. But things are working pretty well on this plan. If I don't find a job soon... maybe I'll make a fitness video! Right.

Nick's Got the Knack

Wow. Nick picked me up at 7. I put on my little black dress, that I bought 7 years ago to the day... and some flirty silver sandals. Nick showed up in a black dress shirt and khaki pants. I don't think I have ever seen him in anything but a t-shirt and shorts or jeans! We went to a nearby city. He chose the restaurant... We were sat at a table overlooking a lake... Definitely impressed. He put in quite an effort and dropped some serious cash. Either he enjoys spoiling people on their birthdays, or he was not kidding when he said he wanted to date. Either way, we enjoyed ourselves, as we always do. The sexy dress was very gratuitous, as both of us were recovering from some minor "sports" injuries from the night before...

Birthday BOYnanza!

Ah. Here I am. On my birthday. I intended to simply go to bed early on my birthday eve. However, a glimpse of youthful yesteryear, combined with an email from Nick, led to some serious shenanigans. What a fun mess that turned out to be! I have stumbled upon yet another dating riddle... is it wrong to date more than one person, when no established relationship exists? Men do this all the time. However, not only am I not a man, I'm also not a "serial-dater" at heart. Truth is, I really dig Mack so far. How would he feel about me spending time with another man? We aren't involved. We have only gone out once.

Nick and I have known each other for several years. We met at a time when both of us were far less responsible adults. Our time together usually consisted of too much to drink and a little bit of sex. Never really premeditated dates. Just convenient coincidence. If we ran into each other at the bar, we'd "hook-up." Back then, I was a bit of a mess. I hadn't yet figured out that I needed to love myself a little, and allow others to love me. I just spent a lot of time wondering why I always wound up with the wrong guy. Nick wasn't an asshole. He was smart, philosophical and charming. We had great chemistry. For a short time during our lushy, lusty, love affair, I wanted Nick to be "the" guy. I thought I had finally found a decent man and that perhaps we would date. The rendezvous soon ended.

Fast Forward. Nick had looked me up on the Internet and asked me out. I was shocked. What had changed? Had he changed? Had we "grown up?" After several months of emails, I finally grew tired of waiting for Nick to actually make this proposed date a reality. We were both, legitimately, very busy balancing our college and work schedules... but I believe if seeing someone is important to you, 15 great minutes of conversation when you can squeeze it in, is better than waiting for an optimal time-frame three weeks out. I chalked his inability to find time up to being very non-committal and mildly insincere. We all know that words carry little weight with me.

Again, fast forward. Nick emails me last night. We exchange our usual witty banter with an occasional sexual innuendo thrown in the mix. Next thing you know... he's at my door, with his yesteryear party favors. I don't drink. I've retired. We share many, many, intelligent conversations. Then Nick's Booze Barometer busts... and out flows the honesty... Nick begins to tell me details of when we first met that I will never in my life remember. He tells me that I'm one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen. No one else has ever "knocked (him) on his heels" with intelligence. I'm hot. I'm the smartest person he's ever met. I'm fuckin' HOT. Head to toe. I'm hot. My eyes are piercing. When I look at him he shudders. He expresses an anguished desire to be honest with me about why we didn't evolve into a couple years ago. I demanded he be honest and explained that honesty from someone you respect is the best kind, be it negative or positive. He finally says he felt I was a little possessive. I agree with him. He smiles. I then explain that when you don't yet love yourself you seek love from outside. He had been the first man that I had felt safe with... that I could love. I thought I had a "limited-time only" offer on the table! I was definitely too eager back then. Afterwards, he drafts a contract to prove that he wants to take me to dinner.

We made it about three hours. Then we made it. Nick and I are not strangers to each other sexually. Although, it has been many years since we'd been naked around each other. For a moment I questioned if I really wanted to have sex with him, and then I came to the conclusion that I was not going to spend my life waiting on things that weren't yet a reality. Enjoying sex is a reality. And a damn good one at that! After I let go of the "what-ifs" and gave myself permission to enjoy some consenting-adult activity, the rest was easy, and comfortably familiar. I spent the first day of my 37Th year being pleasured by a very eager to please man.

Here come the complications. Now that Nick is totally into me, I'm not that into him. And I'm slightly into someone else... well more accurately, into the idea of being slightly into someone else. Why is it that when you want someone, they don't want you, and then when they want you, you don't want them? And as far as Mack goes, he's in Florida. Warm weather + bikinis = sex. I'm sure he's indulging or at least thinking about indulging his "consenting adult."

My conclusion is that being with Nick, while hoping to go on another date with Mack, is not wrong. Yet. Nick and I are supposed to go to dinner tonight...

Three Days and Two Exclamation Points

Is the "three day rule" still in effect in the dating world? An expert on these matters, I will not claim to be. I have never been one to follow the rules, which can, and does at times, lead to trouble. Nothing a little bail money and humiliation can't fix! I have very non-conventional views of dating. I think we should just be who we are and hope we find some sap willing to accept us for all of the beautiful disasters that contribute to our makeup. I don't have a checklist of prerequisites. I don't check references. I don't avoid contact in fear of a misunderstanding. But, I'm also very, very single... so what are the rules of the game? Maybe I should look into that.

I finally broke down and called Mack today. He had been on my mind, so why not? I was outside, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the subsequent cool wind blowing through my hair and across my scantily clad body; dreaming of the beach. I thought of him and how much fun I thought we could have on a beach together. I decided to hold out until 4:30 to make the call. Quite a hilarious thing, it was. Would the outcome be different if I called at 4:16? I got his voicemail and left a message. "Hey hotcakes... hope you made it home safely the other night and that you enjoy your trip..." or something to that effect. I instantly regretted not throwing in the "hope to see you again" type jargon. I was then thinking about how torturous dating can be. When you really click with someone and you look forward to seeing them again... it can truly be hell trying to figure out what to do about it in the beginning. Especially when he is leaving town. I don't want to seem desperate. Believe it or not, I am nowhere near desperate. But, I also do not want to appear uninterested. I decided to just let it go and hope he made contact before the torture became unbearable.

WE HAVE CONTACT! I came in from outside and made myself do all of the tedious things required to be an adult in this world. I paid bills, altered and sent resumes, did my homework for Monday, wrote a birthday card to an old friend... Then, I logged on to the dating site. And, VOILA! Correspondence from Mack! (Sigh) I was afraid to click on the message. Smiling like a teenage girl with her first crush. I decided I had to open it. Shit... I'd been waiting for some kind of feedback from him for days. Three days. Was he following the three-day rule... or just as busy as he said he was going to be? (These things are what makes dating maddening!) He said he had a great time, and that I was a very cool chic... followed by TWO exclamation points! He hopes that we can get together again when he gets back... Hell yeah we can, Mr.!

"Truth... or DARE?"

Mack had a show today at 3 p.m. I wanted to go, but I thought that would be a risky move. Besides, it was two hours away, and I really don't have many single friends accessible. I surely wouldn't have showed alone! We haven't spoken since our date, and I am okay with that. He did mention quite a bit going on before he leaves Monday... I'm also not one who likes to be smothered, therefore, I refuse to smother another. I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to see him again. He's a great kisser and 6'4" tall. I haven't dated a guy that tall in about 12 years... and there is just something so nice about the way a man that tall lines up with your body. He has a great build as well. Not too skinny and not all "roided out" with muscles and veins exploding everywhere. Our flirtatious game of "Truth or Dare" resulted in me sitting on his lap... he was like a comfy chair, only I was lusting after him!

Here is a sample of our "Truth or Dare" activities...

Me: "Are you attracted to me?" Him: "Hell yes!"

Him: "Have you ever hooked up with one of your brother's friends?" Me: "Hell No."

Me: "I dare you to kiss me on my neck." Him: Kissing very seductively, and then whispers, "How many times?"

Him: "I dare you to kiss me." Me: Sit on his lap, wrap my hand behind his neck, and really lay it on him. A good ten minutes of face-sucking occurs here. Very, very, enjoyable face-sucking.

Me: Giggling. Looking around the room. "I dare you to throw me up against the wall, and kiss me passionately." Him: Picks me up. Throws me up against the wall behind the couch. The cushions are flying and so are the tongues. It's getting dangerous...

Somehow we managed to restrain ourselves.

I've had mini-flashbacks of these heated moments... and I wouldn't mind another game! This may seem silly, but not everyone kisses well, or has great chemistry... I've been tortured by such beings in the recent past. What a nice surprise he was.

He's going to be gone for a week... fingers-crossed that I see him again soon.

Mack Attack!!!

Amen. Hallelujah!!!! I have gone on a date, world!!!! It was beautiful. Amazing. Nice. Overdue. I am so glad I gave him another chance after "dissing" me. Mack showed! I had spent the day with my mother at an auction, all on the premise that he would not present himself for our scheduled date. Voila! Man has entered the building. Mack and I went to a Blues Fest nearby. The great coup of the encounter was that I had let go of the pretenses of the first date syndrome (since he "stood me up" last time). I was relaxed. In a state of acceptance. I was in complete "take me for what I am" mode.

Mack is tall. Not just physically, but mentally.

We enjoyed intellectual conversation for hours, and then succumbed to a juvenile game of "Truth or Dare." It was a beautiful mix of respect and curiosity... boundaries and passion. He "dared" me to kiss him... and did I! I wanted to. It was very hot. (My air conditioner is still not working ;) ) Nothing scandalous occurred... as we were both operating on the notion that you cannot develop anything meaningful from a "one-night-stand." But, call me crazy (I do it all the time)... I think we connected in a non-connected-but-so-want-to-be-connected-way. He's leaving for Florida: Monday.

I suppose the most criminal element of the whole thing is that I will not be having sex before I turn yet another year older. My birthday is Tuesday... I hate birthdays. They always suck.

Oh, what shall come of this...

"I get so weak in the knees, I can hardly..."

Weakness. I'm going to let you inside Mona's mind a little and confess my weakness. I have a real problem with disappointment. I know that the word disappoint means "failure to satisfy the hopes or expectations of," but it shouldn't mean (and doesn't) "the ability to cripple the contentment of the mental state of Mona Lake." I've grown a lot in the last several years and I definitely have had my share of disappointments. But, I've discovered that I am only able to handle one at a time, in a truly healthy way. You see, I was on top of the world Wednesday. I was enjoying my LAST CLASS before graduating, looking forward to getting my cable fixed, my A/C fixed, and my date with Mack. But, because of the storm knocking out the power, the first two things had to be cancelled... and the latter... well... I never got the email from Mack cancelling. So, I waited, nervous, anxious, and then MAD AS HELL. All of that disappointment just festered in the silent darkness of my empty house without power.

I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to develop a stronger internal core of my being. I am ashamed to say that I literally stewed over these things until late last night. However, I am also trying to learn how to be more kind to myself. So, I'm questioning the balance. And where it lies at this moment. Would I really be strong enough to handle a relationship, or KIDS!!??? I want to think so, but, if I can't live through an unfortunate thunderstorm... I had options, if I sought them. I could have stayed with friends if I wasn't being so proud. I could have spent some time smiling, instead of pouting. In honor of optimism, I will officially categorize this as a lesson "learned."

And for those who only read my crazy blog for my boy crazy banter...

I can prove I am not a sex-starved, dirty-minded floozy! Nick, an ex from a few years ago, flirtatiously invited me for a night of equally needed sex... and I declined. He would have been "safe" considering I have "been there done that." Wouldn't have to ADD him to the "list." I'm not sure what that means yet. I can't confidently say that I would always turn the offer down, but, I was content with my decision to say no.

And as for Mack... I was not impressed with his method of cancelling the date. However, he was very honest about his reasons and admitted some insecurity. His ability to be humble, in my eyes, makes him worthy of a chance. I feel we could be friends. You can never have enough friends! If anything more comes of that... well then it does. But, for now, I'm turning my man-o-meter down a notch.

No Power, No Man

POWERLESS!! I was rendered powerless on Wednesday afternoon by a large storm system and just got power restored today at 4:30 p.m. My holiday weekend and man-time dreams were destroyed like the many tall trees in town. Mack was a no-show on Thursday. This really got me pissed! I had tried to reach a girlfriend to shower at her house and had no luck. So to avoid cancelling the FIRST DATE with Mack... I got two mixing bowls out of the cupboard and filled them with warm water to bathe with. I managed to salvage my hair from the day before. I was nervous and looking forward to meeting him. After no response to phone calls or texts, and the clock tick-ticking away... I decided to accept the fact that I had been ditched. Turns out Mack had emailed me on the dating site to let me know that he wouldn't be able to make it, but he knew I didn't have power, so I view that as "the easy way out." What the hell is wrong with boys these days??

The Nose Knows...

Oh, for the love of... MEN. Mack hasn't called as he said he would. I'm wondering if Thursday is going to happen. I can't stand it when people don't do what they say they are going to do. (Sigh)

Meanwhile, Derek has been messaging me all day and sent me new pictures of himself. He is just so damn cute! He has the most beautiful nose. Nose??!!! You ask? Yes, nose. I have always had a thing for noses. I cannot provide you with any profound reason for my nasal affection... I just love a great nose. If he would just get his act together and come and visit, I might forgive him for being a knuckle-headed kid.

I was asked out today. Live. In person. By someone I was in no way, shape, or form, attracted to. I felt terrible for saying no, and fibbed. Said I wasn't ready to date. Are you kidding me??!!?? I'm dying for a date!!! A knock-your-socks-off make-out festival!!!! Come on guys...

Man-tastic!!

Yowza!!! I've hit the manpot, I mean, jackpot!!! Thursday is going to be a man-tastic day! I have the cable guy coming between 3 and 7 p.m., an old boyfriend from high school to fix my A/C around 3:30, and Mack is coming by at 7:30 p.m. for our first date! I'm not too concerned about the cable guy. The last one was definitely not a looker, and the only thing good I can see coming out of dating a cable guy is free HBO. As far as the high school boyfriend... well he ditched me for senior prom because he and his ex made a pact to go together, so I dumped him. We haven't really seen each other since. He's divorced. He's asked me out a few times, but they were all last minute and I was already busy. I see no harm in going out with him, but I'm not sure there would be a spark. Our relationship was never "consummated." Now Mack... that's the one I'm concerned with! How am I supposed to be ready for our date with other boys coming in and out?? What will I wear??? Mack and I will be having our first phone conversation today... sounds so junior high!

Better get Boyfriend Boot Camp in high gear! Got some sun earlier and am working out as soon as I sign off. I'd better practice walking safely as well. I fell UP the stairs today with my laptop in one hand and bills in the other! Quite painful! If I had a boyfriend, he could have laughed at me...