Fighting

So much fighting these days! Mom's already fighting breast cancer and now the latest discovery: she has uterine cancer to fight as well. During our all day stay at the "prestigious" hospital, I fought with the nurse...

I've been fighting the urge to break under the pressure. I've been fighting fatigue. Fighting my house that doesn't want to stay organized while I fight all these fights. Fighting with my boss. Fighting with my missing socks. Fighting to find time for myself. Fighting my gut instinct that my wanted-to-be-exclusive guy is a schmuck because maybe it's really me... That resulted in a fight through texting.

I thought I was a lover not a fighter. Wait. I AM a lover not a fighter. What the hell has happened here?

It's Complicated. And bullshit too! (A rant...)

• I've been on the treadmill doing extensive cardio FIVE DAYS A WEEK and now weigh the same as I did when I started...
• My mom had exploratory surgery Monday and she now has MORE cancer, different cancer...
• I barely slept
• My boss pissed me off
• I'm premenstrual
• My 5 date guy was on a date with someone else tonight, which he's entitled to, but I didn't like it
• I don't know what to do about the not liking it
• I hate bitching!

Time. Change.

This morning was my first morning of daylight savings time. I had forgotten all about it, so when I woke up with my alarm clock on the left reading 8:52, and the cable box clock to the right reading 9:52... I momentarily thought my bed was in fact the Twilight Zone!

My second date guy sent me his usual early-riser text message, and woke me up. I wasn't excited about that because today was one of those rainy-my-bed-feels-like-heaven-and-I'll-just-sleep-off-the-hunger days so I waited an hour then texted back saying, "I think whomever wakes me up should have to feed me breakfast." Wouldn't you know, he wanted to take me out for breakfast. Now I've gone and done it. I have to comb my hair!

This guy had been a champ about trying to get a third date with me but I was riddled with a terrible toothache and no hope for a dentist appointment until the 22nd. Fully aware of my pain-induced lack of charm, and flat out crabbiness, I thought it best to postpone our next meeting. Thankfully, I was able to score some antibiotics from a desperate visit to the med service clinic and was pain free... out of excuses not to see him again.

We met in our almost-usual small town which is the middle ground between our homes. He took me to a nice restaurant full of Sunday Best dressed church goers. Behind us sat a family with two adorable little girls, one who was not so happy to be trapped in a high chair and began wailing rather loudly. I caught myself awaiting his reaction. Examining his ability to deal with crying children. What the hell has happened to me? Am I seriously considering motherhood?!

Previous self-evaluation, and long-winded conversations with my also significant other challenged friend, led me to understand that I am not very familiar with emotionally available people. Especially in romantic relationships. This guy just keeps upping the ante on me and I've definitely struggled with it a bit. A little bit. But... I have (secretly) struggled.

Speaking of struggling, the weight war is in full force! Our original office weight loss deadline is March 29th and there has been talk of an extension since none of us have had remarkable success. Since the treadmill is back in my possession... I have been on it nearly every day. Late this afternoon, I actually worked out for 60 minutes and according to the display, I burned 571 calories. There is hope that I won't wake up with my french toast breakfast visibly attached to my thighs! I don't want to be a quitter. A sell out. A cheat. I want to stick to my original, what I thought was easy, goal. That means I have 14 days to lose about 9 pounds... oh shit!

Woes. And me.

Tomorrow is my big second date, and, as usual, I'm freaking out about what I'm going to wear. It's not for a lack of clothes, it's for a lack of jeans that fit. We are going to dinner and then bowling which means I should be wearing jeans. It's my own fault. He offered other options that wouldn't require me to sift through a sea of denim only to find that I have two choices: a dressy full leg pair that only looks nice with heels, or, my "fat" jeans from two years ago. Damn't!

Adding insult to injury, I plugged my info into an ideal weight calculator and the results were brutal. I'm 15.4 pounds overweight. I realize I'm heavier than I was, but it's really hard to wrap your head around when you are small and overweight. I'm cursed with a small frame that makes people not understand that I am actually overweight. If I could just fit into a pair of jeans and feel good about it, I wouldn't care, but that's clearly not the case.

I've decided it's time to risk serious injury and haul the treadmill from the upstairs of my mother's house over into mine. Since my brother is around, I'll have some help and I simply have to act fast! The March 29 weight loss deadline is swiftly approaching... and dating would be a lot easier with the added confidence a more fit body would give me.

Tomorrow morning I'm having breakfast with my old boss and long-time friend, tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner, and I'm going out to dinner Sunday too. I hope the treadmill can survive the necessary abuse!

Round Two?

Mr. Sunday guy called early this evening to set up our second date. Yes, I said second date. I've got to tell ya this guy gets some serious bonus points for attentiveness. He paid enough attention to my profile to choose a Mexican restaurant for our first meeting... and this time... he had actually researched events at two different art museums. I love Mexican food; and I love art.

Huh?

Is this guy for real?

Well after much debate, we decided to keep it simple and just have dinner again. It's still very much winter around here and any community events that sound fun are about three hours away. That's a long car ride if someone gets on the other's nerves... I don't expect that to happen, I'm just sayin'.

So it's on. Saturday. Five o'clock.

Along with the usual new-date-dilemmas, like what the hell do I wear, I caught myself wondering if kissing on the second date is a good or bad idea. I have not even kissed a boy in four months. Four months. Are ya kiddin' me?

Lunch guy has been messaging me regularly, but has yet to set the second date. We just went out yesterday, so he definitely has some leeway there.

My co-workers husband is even in on this whole find-Mona-a-man quest and has decided his co-worker, a pipe fitter, would be a good match for me. A pipe fitter. Oh so many filthy jokes I have for that one...

Murphy's Laws of Dating

Today was the big lunch date. A first date. During my lunch break. During the work day. I thought the hardest part would be figure out what business casual outfit would pass for flirtatious without making me look like an office whore. Wrong.

• I woke up early, but somehow found myself short on time and feeling rushed.
• My cat had puked all over the hallway, on the freshly shampooed carpets no less.
• Despite a valiant effort to wear my hair down, it looked like shit so I put it in a ponytail. A complete waste of 30 minutes.
• I went into a panic because I couldn't find my keys and we had a meeting first thing. They were still in the door.
• The meeting I was in such a rush for, wound up starting an hour late.
• While I was waiting for the meeting I noticed I had cat puke on the bottom of my shoe.
• The late meeting ran late and I didn't have time to try and salvage my hair
• Some weird dude in a red car might have been trying to kidnap me on the walk to the restaurant.
• I was 8 minutes early... my date was 30 minutes late...

And the grand finale:

• I decided to get a car wash on my way home. Put the money in the machine, start pulling forward... and ooops... looks like my window is off track and won't go back up.

As far at the actual date goes, he was attractive, personable and seemingly normal. He was coming in from out of town, hadn't been here before, and was messaging me the entire time he was lost, so I'll give him a pass for the tardiness this time. As we were leaving, he said the same thing as Sunday guy, "I hope we can do it again sometime," and he followed with a "Thanks for the great company" text. He may very well have made it to the next round...

Woah people! That's two in a row! Bringing the second date worthy stat to 33%...