All Ya Gotta Do Is Ask!

Due to my "last minute" withdrawal from my full-time job, I hadn't written a schedule at the part-time job for the current week. For about 45 minutes, I laid in bed this morning and strongly considered taking the day off. No one was expecting me! I could have easily gotten away with it; but, I soon realized that if I'm going to make this whole life path vs. reality thing happen, I'd best get the hell out of bed!

Because I spent my morning work out time, and the majority of my regular routine, in the lazy comfort of my cozy bed... I had no time for breakfast. My punishment. Off the door I went, with my coffee-for-breakfast thermal mug... and my stomach already growling. Where's a damn butler when you need one?

As soon as I got in the office, I checked my email. A guy that I dated some 17 years ago works in an office across the hall from mine, and since discovering our close proximity, we exchange non-productive, smart ass emails throughout the work day. I read his email from Friday afternoon, and replied:

"Hope you woke up in time to make it home from your boring meeting. Hey, do you guys have any food over there? I'm hungry!"

After sending my email, I walked down the hall to the copy room. Someone had performed some serious voodoo on both machines, and neither myself or the other in-need-of-copies guy there could figure out what the problem was... so I went right back to the office to wait out the evil "spell." When I got back in... I found a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts on my desk and a perplexed co-worker, laughing about the random appearance of sinful, sugary doughnuts on my

desk.

"Who are you?! GOD?" I emailed back. "How the hell do you get doughnuts that fast?!" I inquired in astonishment.

"Some vendors brought in 2 boxes this morning and we are all on diets. Well except for me, I ate two." He responded.

"Dudes on diets? What, is there some kind of Speedo Convention coming to town?" I jeered.

"No. We're just a bunch of narcissistic geeks..."

Hilarious! Our staff consists of 6 women, five of which are on diets. Who's the one that isn't? Um. That would be me! Their office staff consists of 5 guys. I didn't realized that guys actually dieted... and admitted it, to women nonetheless.

Something I have learned on my life journey over the past few years is to ask for what you need. Now I can readily admit that I wasn't going to die without those doughnuts being graciously delivered to my desk, but it sure was an unexpected treat! Not only was I hungry, I had been secretly craving doughnuts for days! Who'd have thought that your needs could be met so easily? I think tomorrow I'll ask if they have any money...

Squirrely Saturday

I spent the afternoon with Chester, as usual. I was delighted to see that he was able to eat his lunch (fish sticks, tartar sauce, and applesauce) with minimal assistance. He was able to eat his fish sticks on his own, and only needs help with the spoon, so I fed him his applesauce for dessert. I try to allow him as much independence as he can physically manage, as I feel it encourages his mind and body to remain as strong as possible. He was very alert... loves to watch his basketball! And even though I'm not sure his memory allows him to recall what the NCAA championship is, he sure seems to be enthralled with the competition.

After I returned home, I "ran into" C.F. on the computer. He's travelling, as he usually is. Despite both of us expressing our desire to take naps, we wound up chatting for almost three hours! He's just so damned cute. I feel like a complete cyber dork because I find myself wishing I had the technological means to send him pictures more easily. Video would be cool... but, still seems invasive, and almost creepy! Regardless of a more convenient means of communicating with him; I am in the market for a new camera. I've got a very behind-the-times 4 mega pixel camera, so the photos I have taken that I would like to make into large prints are simply could-have-beens. I'd like to fill my house with my own photography and test the waters by attempting to sell some prints at the upcoming local spring art show. We'll just have to see what the "Financial Gods" have in store for me over the next couple months.

While I was getting squirrely inside with C.F. on the computer, the squirrels in my yard were getting fat off my rapidly disappearing bird seed. I now have four seed feeders, and one suet feeder in the yard. When I was attempting to survive on less than $1,000 a month... I thought I was going to have to cut those feathered and furry critters out of the budget! Lucky for them, my aunt and mother had each donated a 40-pound bag to help support their cause. One of my many past lives must have been "Snow White." I just adore each and every little fascinating creature that scampers about! Although I live in the city, we are across a road, and uphill from the river, so we do get a nice variety of small wild life. I have groundhogs, skunk, bunnies, squirrels, and birds visiting regularly. Annoying to some... amazing to me!

So back to the camera... it's not just for fruitless flirtation, it's for the further exploration and improvement of my photography skills. Creating little photo-ops and impromtu shoots kept me occupied and entertained over my lenghty unemployment; and to my surprise, my photography was pretty frickin' good, especially since my equipment is very outdated, and my intentional photograpy experience is minimal at best. It takes little to make me happy! Just give me the tools to make something and I'm off on a my own little creative journey!

The Prices We Pay...

What an amazing morning! I slept well last night. One of the best night's rest I have had in a long time. Since deciding to end my pursuit of the full-time position as Administrative Support to the Director of Operations at the job that offered benefits, but lower pay, and no "purpose," I feel a great sense of peace. And relief. I woke up to the sunrise gently kissing my face; feeling alive, and ready to enjoy the day.

My latest revelation makes me terribly concerned for the emotional well-being of the millions of people who are still suffering the unemployment and economic crisis. Any of you that have been through it know that being out of work, especially when you are trying to support a household or family, is an incredibly stressful thing. Add to that being forced to take whatever job you can get, regardless of whether or not it is something you enjoy doing, a job that does not allow you to do those non-work-related things that bring you the ever-important enjoyment of life... and you have yourself a potential mental nightmare!

In support of my own quest to avoid finding myself working solely for "the man," and doing something 2,000 hours a year that doesn't bring me some sense of fulfillment... I'm going to stick to my plan to pare down my expenses, and continue on with my non-profit work, caring for Chester, and pursuing my creative adventures. There is a slight bit of risk involved. My job is only guaranteed until September, and it's future is dependent upon the receipt of additional grant funding... But I'd rather be doing something I love, and living the life I have fought so hard to live, for six months, rather than zero months! By following this master plan, I'm only sacrificing material things, instead of sacrificing my entire existence. Giving up my fancy conditioner, as opposed to my identity, sounds like the smartest decision I have made in many years!

So... I continue my quest to spend money wisely. Save whenever, and wherever I can. That meant I was forced to go to Walmart. Many a better-than-you type person would tell you they would rather pull their own teeth out with dirty pliers that be caught dead in Walmart. I've got to confess that I don't really care to shop there either. I am not bothered by the fact that the majority of Walmart shoppers are of a lower socio-economic status. Hell, I'm not exactly rich. At least not in a monetary sense. What bothers me, is the commotion! I have a gift of travelling down the same aisles as the mother of a pack of unruly, disheveled, screaming me-mes, who doesn't understand that the aisle is barely wide enough for two carts to travel side by side... so leaving her cart, with the wailing, snot-nosed baby in the seat, in the middle of the canned good section, makes my shopping inconvenient; and my head pound! But if I'm going to successfully find my true calling in life, I've got to shop where I can get the most for my money, and that just happens to be where the overly-reproductive people shop as well. A small sacrifice, I suppose, in the big scheme of things.

Saving money takes a little bit of effort, and a lot of creativity. This morning, I replaced my very worn and hardly working wiper blades with the new ones I purchased, from Walmart, for $4.97 a piece. I have no idea what the current going rate is for wiper blades at those one-stop oil- change-and-more type places, but I have a vague memory of spending at least twenty bucks to have them replace and install new wipers on my car in my early, naive, twenties. They are very easy to put on: a simple slide and snap into a hook. Unfortunately, taking the passenger side wiper off required a little more focus and patience then my just-woke-up brain was capable of, so I suffered a cut to my index finger. One of those wounds that isn't really that serious... but bleeds like you ought to call an ambulance fast, before you lose consciousness. I went straight to the bathroom, and realized that I don't have, and haven't had, any bandaids! Huh. Good thing I finally picked up toilet paper at "Wallyworld," last night. (Christmas napkins aren't very absorbent.) Soooo... I covered my throbbing, bloody wound with two squares of Charmin Ultra Strong with Diamond Weave, and secured it with Scotch tape. I realize this isn't as impressive as a soap opera plane crash... when the sexy, chiseled, man seductively tears his shirt off to create a life-saving tournequet for his damsel in distress, but I was pretty proud of my budget-friendly, blood-flow preventing, invention!

It has now been two hours since my injury. The bleeding has stopped, and my primitive, life-saving, impromptu bandage is in the trash. A literal reminder that with a little effort and creativity... I can, and will, survive this, and hopefully find my true path along the way.

SHARP TURN AHEAD!

Ahhh.


Ah HA!


Life has a strange way of sending us little messages. Little signs directing us gently towards the path that we are meant to travel on. But some of us stubborn, skeptical, students of life, fight this quiet guidance as if the universe were asking us to jump off a cliff!


Over the last couple days of my job juggling, during the few quiet moments I have had to myself... I realized that the decision I was about to make regarding which job I was going to dedicate the majority of my time to was based solely on money and monetary benefits. Yes, I may be crazy... but money means little to me. The last time I made an employment decision based on monetary gain, I suffered great personal loss. Loss of time. Loss of happiness. Loss of self.



What the hell was I thinking? I don't want to go back to that awful place! And if we just crunch numbers... I would have to work 40 hours at the job with benefits to make what I would earn in 25 hours at the job that has that "purpose" I've been so desperately seeking.



The man upstairs had been speaking to me through so many different people... several times a day. Although I really liked the people I was working with, there were those devilish things called "benefits" that were offered there, and I was more than capable of doing the job... I am much more than a person who can create a training schedule on Excel 2007, and happily shoot the shit on lunch break.


Over the last year, despite my struggles surviving unemployment, I have been the happiest I have been in many years. And that's because I was creating. Writing. Crafting artistic things. Satisfying my strongest need. The need to be creative. It took a lot of wrong turns, and learning how to ask for directions to find my proverbial path again. The thought of giving up all of that personal progress and growth, only to drive backwards through life with my eyes closed, is frightening.


These little voices, the signs, have come from strangers, friends, family, co-workers... and my heart. I had been very anxious... slowly realizing that I was about to "sell my soul" for money yet again. I think one of the hardest things for humans to do is to listen to yourself; a rather odd phenomenon considering that when it's all said and done, when we lay down our heads for the very last time... it is you and you alone that has to revel in the joy, or sorrow, your life choices have brought to you.



I was beyond content before I began entertaining the other career choice. Happy and at peace. As soon as I accepted the position, in a rush, to suit their needs, that nagging feeling crept back into my life. I am very confident that I am making the right choice. I have no doubt... no worry. And I'm very grateful that this time it won't take several painful years to get back on track. This time, it's just a simple U-turn.

Baggage of the Working Woman

Ah... the baggage of a working woman. I forgot how literally heavy the burden of working multiple jobs can be. My briefcase was bursting at the seams! Each zippered pocket was unzipped to allow for the accommodation of multiple binders, planners, folders, notebooks... none of which fell out on my semi-clumsy journey from the office to the car; toting this giant bag, and a large cardboard sign that caught the blustering wind like the sail of a boat!

My morning began with travelling through a rock storm. I was stuck behind a semi hauling two bulldozers on the highway. Just as the traffic broke enough to let me escape into the other lane...WHACK! Rock to the windshield! Yes, my windshield now bears a lovely, permanent, circular wound... and I have PLPD insurance. Good Morning, me.

The first job I reported to today was my almost-for-sure full-time job. There just wasn't much for me to do! I searched high and low; solicited chores and tasks. I fetched a cup of coffee for my cubicle neighbor, even though she swore she was kidding when I asked if I could get her one. I wasn't! The last thing I want to do in this economy is look dispensable. If they decide to cut the position I currently hold, at least they might keep me on as a coffee bar attendant.The Director I report to has been in meetings virtually every hour that I have been on the premises thus far, so we have yet to really work together; although last Friday's past seven o'clock at night coup had to have earned me some retention points. I have my first eight-straight shift there tomorrow, so I hope to be assigned something more important than volunteer inter-cubicle waitressing.

I only had the half an hour in between jobs to eat my lunch. The length of my commute. I was forced to either starve, or, eat McDonald's. I decided a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a refreshing Diet Coke sounded more enjoyable than the growling of my stomach would, so I got off on an exit midway and ordered my clogged-artery-in-a-box. There is just something so demeaning about eating a fast food burger while driving down the highway. Even though that was all I ate, I still felt gluttonous, and wondered who saw me dodging the ketchup-covered onions that kept falling out of the bottom of my burger.

Once I arrived in the parking lot at my other job, I had the daunting task of hauling my giant job-juggling bag of tricks into yet another office, without incident. Too bad when I reached for my hardly-sipped-on-soda, the shoulder strap of my big bag caught on some kind of door apparatus...

SPLOOOOOOSH!!! There goes my soda. Good Afternoon, me.

Aside from a weird visit from a man who had missed his appointment with Denise by over an hour and a half, and showed up while I was alone in the office, then asked me to make a hundred copies of papers he was about to pilfer from another project (while the phone was ringing and I was on another call)... I escaped my last five hours of work without tragedy. Next stop: grocery store.

I've got quite a list of items that I truly need, but the stores with the best prices are on the completely opposite side of town. I hate needless driving. That's probably why I only have 79,000 miles on a car I've had ten years. But there were some things I had to get, so I compromised by only buying the absolutely positively necessary things at the local, yet higher priced store. I was saving gas, saving the environment, and saving my tired little toes from traipsing around the gigantic store. Smart move!

Or not.

I forgot to pick up toilet paper. I have not even a square! Here's hoping my day doesn't get any shittier! (insert drum sound used after bad joke here) Looks like those leftover Christmas print paper napkins will come in handy after all.

My laundry is caught up, but my house is in a state I refer to as "scatteredaboutness." I've been quickly reminded of why I hate nylons. My friends and family haven't quite figured out why I'm suddenly not available, despite my repeated three-job testimony...and I find my eyes begin to close themselves after 8 p.m. Rock chip, bulging bags, spilled soda, smelly feet, shutting eyes... all worth it, I say. It's all about the baggage. What you choose to carry with you. And I'm willing to let it all go for a coupla paychecks, and whole lotta hope for the future.

Afternoon Delight!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eplbDbp6XJQ&feature=related

My sadness of my last afternoon with my clay crafting friends was soon overridden by a surprise online conversation with C.F. We caught up on idle chit-chat, and fell fast into a flurry of flirtation. There is just something about that man...

He's a few states away. And busy. I now have JOBS so I am no longer able to entertain spontaneous excursions. Not that I was in the habit of doing so anyway... but if I could have, I would have hopped right in the car and driven to his location.

It was nice to talk about the last time we saw each other... so many months ago. And especially nice for him to tell me that he thinks of me now and again. I know not if we will see each other again, but I do know that I would like to. He feels the same. Who knows if the stars will align and the forces of the universe will allow us to. Only time will tell.

'Bout to Bloom

It looks as if everything is about to bloom here in Mona's world. Potential careers, financial stability, affordable heat bills, and beautiful spring flowers are all slowly pushing their way up and into my life.

Just as I know there are gorgeous Iris blossoms in my garden by the fence... I still have to wait patiently for the timing to be right for them to successfully show their glory. I suppose this could be said of my job(s). Deep down I knew that one would come my way, I just had to wait, very patiently, for it. And just as the leaves of my gorgeous Iris blossoms are rising above the ground, so are my potential careers. But they need time... time to grow.

Saturday I sat with Chester. I turned the NCAA Championship on because I know he loves basketball. I fed him a sandwich, and had him sip on some pineapple juice in between his quartered sections of sandwich. While eating his last bit... he dozed off. Sandwich in hand. I chuckled a bit while thinking of how great a nap feels after you have enjoyed a meal; wondering if I'll ever fall asleep with a tiny morsel in my grasp.

I had taken my laptop over there to hone my Excel skills and discovered a wireless Internet connection. Score! This means that if Chester is napping I can utilize the time to get any necessary work done for my part-time job. Or, simply catch up on emails.

Once I had gotten home, I took advantage of the warm and sunny weather and cleared some post-fall-raking leaves from my flower beds. I absolutely love flowers, so despite not wanting to do the physical work, I was excited to unearth the bundles of green leaves that will soon be beautiful blooms.

Today, Sunday, I did a lot of my own napping. I was just tired! And if my schedule isn't proof enough that I've been working my ass off... then losing 3 pounds in one week should be! My weight loss wasn't planned, and I'm not on some "oh my God bikini season is approaching" cabbage diet... I've just been movin' and shakin'! Truth is, I don't want to lose more weight! I just bought four new pairs of pants!

Tomorrow brings another busy job-juggling week, and my last one without a consistent schedule. Monday, I'm working my part-time job, and going to ceramics for the last time during the afternoon. How sad! Tuesday will be my first full "regular" day at the full-time job, and Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday will be double-duty days. Saturday will be spent with Chester. Beginning Monday the 30th, I'll be working my full-time job Monday through Friday 9:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and squeezing at least five hours of my part-time work into the schedule somewhere. Virginia was concerned that maybe she should only ask me to sit with Chester every other week so I don't get overwhelmed... but I assured her that I do not mind and don't find it tiring. Letting a 90 year-old woman get out and enjoy her life is worth any "inconvenience" three hours on a Saturday might cause me.

So "Desperate Housewives" is about to end and I'm relocating to my bedroom to pick out tomorrow's clothes and get to bed. I'm excited to see what's in store for me this week... and if I'll be able to bring in some fresh cut flowers.

(Sigh)

Ahhhhhhhh. My couch. My long lost friend. We are together again!

What a week! It was hell. But a good kind of hell. I not only have a job; I have three... and I had several chances to demonstrate my ability at all of them... hopefully increasing the odds that I will retain employment permanently! Hallelujah!

It's one thing to know that you are capable of performing well, but yet another to actually have the opportunity to do so. I forgot how good it feels to achieve something tangible, to be a part of a team... and get PAID! This week I got to establish important connections, conduct a meeting, edit a press release, collaborate on a project, develop and manage a grid, have a business lunch, establish a marketing strategy, and develop a multiple staff training manual under a very tight deadline. I loved every minute of it!

Next week, I'm giving a presentation at a community wide event. My first solo representation of the non-profit. Yes!

And saving the best for last: I paid off two bills!

My house is a wreck from my chaotic schedule, but I'd say sacrificing a little tidiness for a lot of financial stability is a smart move. I was able to fall asleep more easily and rise more readily the last two days... and once the week of the 30th arrives, I'll have a consistent schedule. Once that starts, I'm sure I will wake as needed without depending on my multiple alarm clocks. I'm getting closer to a "normal" life as each day passes.

Although my journey of unemployment was one of the most difficult I have had to endure, the lessons learned... especially being truly grateful for each and every thing you DO have... have made me a stronger, and better person.

My unsolicited advice to those still immersed in the fiery flames of unemployment hell: don't give up. Ever.

Beat up! Beat down!

This 14 plus hours on the go, juggling jobs and existing appointments is KICKING MY ASS!

For the last two mornings in a row, I've been forced to eat my breakfast at the bathroom vanity in between mascara wand strokes. This morning... I ate spaghetti! My only other quick option was cereal, and I've been out of milk for four days.

I've fought good and hard to get this far; so I'm not giving up! If I can just get through these next 10 days... things should start to stabilize and I'll have time for a proper blog. Right now, I just have to wait for my licensing application to clear for my current job. If for some reason it doesn't (please GOD do not let that happen), I'll be back in the battlefield for a full-time job.

Wishing all of my unemployed or financially struggling readers the belief that they WILL make it!

I am.

Amen to that!

Goodnight!

A Quikie!

Just a quick update...

Broke the news to Job 1... they were all sincerely happy and I'm making a dedicated attempt at negotiating a way for me to stay on. I confess to being sentimental, and loyal almost to a fault. Instead of being in a self-absorbed fog of celebration... I'm a little sad and worried about ending my working relationship there. I don't want to!!!

Went into work at Job 2 in the late afternoon. Basically just set up my voice mail and email signature, and got a chance to chit-chat with my new co-workers. I feel really good about this so far.

Was on the run all day... but it was a good run! Cooking up some spaghetti so I have leftovers to "zap" while I'm flying from job to job!

Double Duty: Day 1

I successfully survived day 1 at Job 2, despite somehow mismanaging my bedroom alarm clock and cell phone alarm... waking up 40 minutes later than planned! NOT a great way to begin your first-day-on-the-job morning! I did have enough time to dress and shower... even to make a cup of my terrible, but cheap, coffee to drink on the panicked drive in. The morning air was warmer than usual, but not warm enough to drive with the window down. However, I had no choice, considering my driver's side window decided to get off track Sunday afternoon, leaving me to fret over when/how I could fix it before the rains came!

I arrived 10 minutes early, and 12 minutes before my predecessor. Shew! The day was mildly chaotic. Myself, two other first-dayers, and my predecessor/trainer, ran through the cubicles pilfering the necessary parts to assemble a functioning telephone and computer system. I now have ANOTHER desk, phone extension, ID badge and email account. Concrete proof that I do in fact have two jobs... at least for the moment.

Unfortunately, my ploy to finagle a four-day work week, allowing a solid day at the other job, was unsuccessful. SHIT! Plan B. I hadn't a plan B, but I quickly concocted one! My other job's offices are housed in a larger business' building so I don't think I can truly come and go as I please with my key card, but I believe I may be able to get in as early as 7a.m. When I was first hired, working at home was offered as an option... soooooooooooooooo... Plan B consists of reporting to Job 1 on Mondays and Wednesdays for an hour to sort through necessary assignments, report to Job 2 for my 9a.m.-5:30p.m. workday... work on Job 1 stuff when I get home for a bit... rinse and repeat. Okay... skip the rinsing, but you get the gist of it. I REFUSE to let go of that job. Not yet. They have been good to me, and I know they need the help right now. I will be able to honor my scheduled commitments for the next two weeks for sure, but I'd like to keep my toe in the door just in case I need to, and because I actually want to. I'll get to see how all of this goes when I break the news tomorrow morning...

After my three hours in at Job 2... I raced home and quickly changed from Betty Business to Sara Ceramics, and was back on the road before my engine even quit moving. I was frantically staining and glazing several bisque-fired pieces and sharing the "I may never see you again... at least not for awhile" news with my dear "dirt" buddies. I may be able to continue my ceramic adventures, but I would have to switch to the night session, and make new "friends." Frankly, I adore the ones I craft clay with now, so it's bittersweet.

Once the glazing frenzy ended, I raced off to my Mr. Fixit friend's house, where he dissassembled my car door panel and readjusted my wayward window. We also did a few other minor repairs, so my "little tin soldier" looks a tiny bit better. She's a ten year old car, with only 79,000 miles on her... but she's been in the wrong place at the wrong time and taken a few uninsured beatings along the way. But, she's paid for! If things go well in the job department, I just might treat her to a makeover, as I have NO intention of taking on a car payment anytime soon. I should be able to drive that ol' girl around for at least another 5 years. Gotta love a Honda!

Upon arriving home, the sunshine and warm air demanded that I clean out the garage, caring not that I had ZERO caloric intake for the day thus far. I had no time to eat! So while the oven was preheating to cook some cheap -and -easy -chicken, I swiftly organized some tools and supplies, making my exits and entrances a heck of a lot less dangerous! I won't have to worry about removing a stack of Styrofoam cups from the "spear" of my high heel as I rush out the door, ever again! (Don't ask.)

Now, it's nearing 10 p.m. I am going to select tomorrow's wardrobe, just in case I encounter another alarm clock debacle... and hopefully get some REST! I tossed and turned last night while trying to literally figure out my financial future with my cell phone calculator at 1 in the morning. But soon... soon I feel the stress and anxiety of bills and never-ending job hunting will come to a lull. The light is finally on at the end of the tunnel; and I can finally afford to pay the bill!

Last Day of Hibernation

Just as Spring is slowly approaching here... soon to be busied with bees, blossoming flowers, and slow growing blades of green grass; my life is soon to be busied with three jobs.

My "formal interview" on Friday (the 13th no less) consisted of "Nancy gave me the go-ahead to hire you, you start immediately." Huh? What? Whoa! I envisioned a long, somewhat boring, and tedious question and answer session with the typical hidden-motive psychologically analyzed blah-blah babble that most job interviews consist of. Afterwards, an offer presented, followed by me requesting the weekend to think it over. Funny how life never unfolds the way we wish it to.

My first thought after being arm-twisted into a permanent full-time job with excellent benefits and virtually guaranteed advancement opportunities, was "Carole is going to shit her pants!" Carole is the director I have been working most closely with at my part-time job. Project activity for the organization peaks through April, and the intention of them hiring me was to "prevent Carole from going crazy." I love the people I work with there, and I love the work that I do... but I also love financial stability. This is one of those times where I have to do something I'm not well-practiced in... doing what is best for me.

Crap.

Driving home from my interview Friday, I thought I might vomit on my dashboard! My mind was racing with the "what ifs," "what do I says" and "what are they gonna dos." I can't abandon the part-time job without notice. That's not an option for personal and professional reasons. They have been very good to me, and of course the pay is going to be hard to let go off. My new job has agreed to work around my existing commitments with the part-time job for my training, and may, may, if I'm lucky, allow me to work a four ten hour day work week... if so, I'll try to stay on at my part-time job once a week. I'll still sit with Chester on Saturdays. It's only three hours... and I adore them. I couldn't possibly take that joy away from Virginia. That one is an investment in karma.

So three jobs. Three jobs is the plan. In preparation for my intense week ahead... I've decided to hibernate today. My last day of hibernation. I wonder if bears are aware of their last day in the cave... and if they dread the busy days that await them? I'm going to have to learn a new job, new co-worker personalities, new on the way to work traffic patterns, fill out more tax forms... quit my beloved afternoon ceramics, figure out whether or not to still pursue the free tuition and schooling; have a painful discussion with my part-time job and negotiate a way to stay on with them... and hope that I am making the right decisions. I barely had enough time to adjust to the job I have... and now I've thrown another one into the mix.

What I just can't seem to accept yet, nor really celebrate, is the fact that in just a month or so... my financial stress may very well be over. I might actually be able to think about the future, instead of obsessing about how to make the most of $14 in food stamps so I can pay my heat bill. It still hasn't sunk in that I have the part-time job. How can I expect this to sink in?

"For all I know, they could say 'We were just kidding!' when I get to work on Monday morning." I told Virginia and her daughter on Saturday. Not very optimistic, I know, but I'm sure everyone can agree that these are very uncertain times in life. Realistic. I'm being realistic. And doubtful. Skeptical. Whatever non-believing adjectives you choose...

What I can do, is take it easy this last day. The last day of which I am certain about the goings on in my life. If I would have known they were going to throw the job at me on Friday... I might have planned some big to-do... a last hurrah before I jump into a three job, six day work week. It's been over four years since I have taken a vacation, and a solid year since affording one has even been remotely possible. It's going to pay off right?

Back to the "cave" of comforters, snacks, and semi-bad Sunday movies...

To Be Continued... Continued

Yesterday, before my interview, I was offered more hours and an extension to my current job assignment! The additional hours qualify me for sick, and vacation pay... and extend my guarantee of employment through September.


My interview went incredibly well. I was informed that they selected 50 potential candidate resumes for the current position holder to review. Out of those 50, she selected 5 to interview. "I'm looking not just for someone who is competent, but also someone who's personality works well with Nancy's." Apparently I met that criteria, as she checked the "hot candidate" box, and escorted me back to meet my potential new boss.


I got a call back for a "formal" interview today!


Tomorrow, at 4:30, after working at my current job, I'll be interviewing for the position. Even though I don't have the necessary details, like a solid offer on the table, I'm already feeling torn. My hopes are that if they do in fact make an offer of employment, that I at least have the weekend to weigh my options. I sense they are very eager to fill this position and I don't want to leave my current employer "hanging."


I had begun to give up hope that I'd EVER find a job... any job... and now that I have, I may face another offer. My current assignment is temporary... so the other position would be a better choice for longevity, but the economy, well, you know how that is... so there is no true certainty when it comes to employment. If they offer me a comparable wage to what my current employer is paying, this decision isn't going to be an easy one. And now, yet again, I have to decide what to wear...

The Piano (Uncut Version)

As my sacrificially loyal readers may know, I added a beautiful piano, courtesy of a generous soul on Craig's List, to my home back in October. Unfortunately, it needs a tuning I cannot presently afford, so the ivory-tickling has been minimal at best. Instead of being thoroughly enjoyed as I delusionally intended, my lovely piano has been a reminder of what could be... and perhaps what should be.

To add insult to injury, my elderly, feline Alzheimer stricken, 15 year-old and counting cat... sometimes gets lost and confused behind the massive neglected wooden instrument and decides that occasionally relieving her bladder would be appreciated. So to relieve and distract my pre-interview mind... I broke out the carpet cleaner to "de-funk" the carpet behind the piano.

I know you "normal"people are cringing in disgust and thinking, "I'd kick that ol' cat out the door to meet Jesus..." but if the day ever comes that I'm tinkling my own pants in my old age... I certainly hope nobody reaches for the gas! So out of respect for her elderly-ness, and compassion for the fear she must feel to be suddenly "trapped" behind a giant, bazillion-pound piano, in the darkness of her surely failing eyesight... I just chalk it up to an odiferous lesson in patience.

I bought a foreclosed, bank-owned home for a song, pre-country-wide-economic-implosion, that was previously occupied by free-wizzing pets... so I can hardly hold my old kitty solely responsible for her mishaps. She's doing what comes naturally to her, and naturally pisses us "civilized" humans off. Thankfully, the carpeting is an industrial strength cleaning solution friendly, barely still in style Berber that is on the "must replace when I have a job" wish list, so despite a normal person's normal neurotic response to this... I don't mind it much. I just clean, clean, clean it up; grateful that my carpet is not newly installed and yet to be paid for.

Don't write me off as a disgusting low-rent just yet. I keep my house quite tidy and will do whatever it takes to maintain a pleasant "welcome home" experience that does NOT involve the lovely aroma of cat urine. To attest to my dedication, I welcome any 5'5", 130 pound women to tell me how "easy" it is to move a 1920-ish, solid mahogany encased, upright piano, alone. At first, I thought I'd take a wall down before that stubborn musical mammoth would move... but I somehow managed to get it far enough away from the wall to access "Tinkle Town." I've gone over the carpet three times with OxyClean, and let another foam cleaner soak on it twice, before cleaning again. I'll be going over it yet another time before I retire for the evening, and perhaps attacking again tomorrow.

Yes, it's gross, but such is life... sometimes. And, I'm sure any parents out there could testify to the pungent horrors of an oozing "pooey" diaper. I've managed to escape that daily task thus far, so I believe it's my allotted "punishment."

Just a glimpse into the "sexiness" of my life of singlehood...

Witness Protection Program

Help! I'm not sure that I'm ready for that big, bad world that so quickly forgot about me for the past ten months. A former "people person," I now find mingling amongst masses of homosapiens almost uncomfortable! I feel exposed; vulnerable; like a person in the Witness Protection Program that just got spotted in the produce aisle in Arkansas.


It is in fact a small world after all... but the world inside my house is even smaller. And definitely more predictable... more comfortable... less demanding. However, I failed to find a miraculous way to support my lone existence without leaving the safety of my humble home... and my brain tricked me into believing that if I didn't find a job soon, I would somehow feel unfulfilled...

So here I am... working. Voyaging through the world of the "normal" people, wondering who knows I've lived the life of a sloth for months on end... wondering if unemployment has visibly damaged me; nipped away my sense of value and competence. My "oh my God I have a job!" feelings are becoming lost in this sea of doubt... fear of failure... insecurity.

My world is shrinking all around me! I keep running into people I haven't seen in years, having to rehash my circumstances with each encounter. That I have a job, but it's temporary part-time, that I graduated, but I'm going back to school... I just don't know when... I have to constantly relive the frustrating uncertainty and instability of life in today's economy each time I explain "what's going on." I ran into my high school friend's father this morning, a friend of a guy I dated (but shouldn't have) in my 20's in the hallway at work ... the tenant of an apartment I remodelled is asking me out (I think), my ex that will never be "serious material" is back in town... Nothing truly complicated, but I'm used to just having an occassional conversation with my cat, not trying to explain my 10 months in hell without sounding pessimistic. Shit. Did I just admit that?

Anyway... I love my job. I like the people, I really like the pay... it's a seven minute drive from my house... and it has a purpose. But, it's temporary part-time until the end of April... at which time they may or may not offer me a permanent position, and if they do, it will likely be part-time. If it's the same amount of hours I have now, I can live off of that... and hope for more hours in the future; while still taking my ceramics classes, and returning to school.

NOW... I just got a call for a call-back interview at a new business that is opening in the late summer. There are 1,500 positions available... and already over 20,000 have applied. So this is a BIG DEAL. My interview is tomorrow at 3:30, after a day of work. Not ideal for me, but, at least I don't have enough time to overthink it and start freaking out. I'm already jumping the gun and trying to decide which job is the best fit for me. Rather silly, since I don't have a solid offer of permanent employment from either place. This is what the economy, unemployment, and living on a literal prayer does to your mind... I'm a friggin' mess! I AM already freaking out.

I suppose the good news is that I sprung for some new shoes and a few "businessy" wardrobe items... so at least I won't LOOK like a dishelved, neurotic desperado. And, I suppose that the worst that could happen is that I have a choice in which job to accept. The source of my paranoia, perhaps, is a fear of losing the person I most recently found; sacrificing the joy of truly being who I am, for the much -needed security of a reliable and sustainable income.

To be continued...

Spilled Coffee and Old Blueberries

It's 10 after 6 in the morning... and I've already been to Tennessee and Texas with my childhood friend, all the while trying to dial my real ex from Texas as my cell phone fails to allow me to look it up in "contacts." I was dreaming, of course, then awoke to the alarm clock going off at 5:33!

This should be illegal.

I drug myself directly into the bathroom for a shower, only to be confused by the one clock I hadn't switched the time on. For one moment, I thought I could crawl back into bed for another hour. Not so. Bliss is so brief under the lonely darkness of a pre-sunrise morning.

While in the shower, my cell phone alarm went off... I GET IT! I'M UP!!!

After I got out of the shower, the smoke alarm went off from the steam. I'm REALLY up now.

Progress to my "waste not want not" breakfast of instant vanilla pudding made from milk that's going to expire, and blueberries that are from August of 2008...

and then to my spilled coffee.

It's dark and raining. And, I'm off to do an "expo" for work. I have no clue where I am exactly supposed to be, or really what I'm supposed to do... after I get there.

Hopefully my mishaps have already mishappened...

My Vicarious Sex Life

It's a rainy Saturday morning... actually it's nearing noon, and I have spent my waking hours in bed... watching a fabulously scandalous show: Mistresses. The men are delicious and the story lines are captivating. And, I, I am in sweatpants with gravity defying bangs.

I realize that it's unlikely that I'll walk out my door today, on my way to care for a 94 year-old man and meet a dashingly handsome man who wants to romantically ravage my body in expensive, high-thread-count sheets... but one can dream, can't they?

It's T.V.... unrealistic, right?

Since discovering this show, I find myself questioning my own romantic motives, or more accurately the lack of. Fact is, it has been over five months since I have found myself entertaining the rip-your-clothes off kind of thoughts... and I miss them. I miss him. At least the forgotten feelings he so easily stirred up in my mind. And I'm wondering, is it time to find his replacement? Is it possible to find someone who has such a power over you that you forget all that is proper, and allow yourself to endulge your every desire? I hadn't planned on finding him. And I'm still not quite sure why, or how, it all happened, but I know it doesn't happen often... and how long will I have to impatiently wait until the forces that be allow me to feel so alive again?

The Root of My Problems...

This morning I decided it was time to get to the root of my problems: my roots! A handful of randomly placed silvery strands were trying to blow my cover. Trying to lead people to believe that I'm old.

It was time to fight back!

Before I could even fully open my eyes this morning, I was mixing pungent chemicals and pulling on plastic gloves. Reading directions wasn't necessary. I'd done this before. Soon after, I was dropping the applicator brush, dotting my face with color, and losing the battle to keep an old towel on my shoulders. Touching up your roots before you're completely awake... before even having your morning coffee, isn't the best plan of action against those tattle-tale tresses, although it's hard to get frustrated, when you aren't even sure that you're conscious.

I really don't have many gray hairs (yet), but I do have evil ones! It seems they have decided to sprout in the most obvious areas... like each side of my part. Because I have dark hair, even one solitary silver hair shines as bright as a lighthouse beacon in an oceanic storm. I had been watching them get longer, growing more obnoxious as the days passed by. I was just lost in a state of perplexity... analyzing how I truly felt about the fact that I am getting older; so I allowed myself time to get to the root of the problem.

I've either aged a lot in the last year, or I've just had too much time to pay attention to the most minute things while I've been unemployed. I see little lines around my eyes, and on my chest. And those pesky gray hairs... My eyes are taking longer and longer to "de-puff" in the morning...

It's happening. I'm aging!!!!

Hello!

You're soon to be 38 years old.

Okay. So, I'm at an age where I'm expected to have wrinkles and gray hair. But, I'm also expected to be married, have children, a stable income, and a 401k with more money in it than mine has. Instead, I'm single, barely dating, childless and lacking a ticking clock, employed part-time temporarily, and have less than ten grand for retirement. The problem is, there isn't really a problem!

I'm pretty happy!

Practical-thinking people must think I'm nuts, but the only thing I'm concerned with is being physically unappealing when I'm 70 and still looking for "the one." But then again, I won't be the only wrinkled soul in that age-bracket, just maybe the only one wearing a skirt!

I was/am a late bloomer. I get this. Perhaps I fear that I'll run out of time before I truly find my way. Before "my calling" actually gets through my busy mind. I'd like to have kids, maybe, but not now... and the shelf-life on my carton of eggs shortens every day. Am I on the right track, or on a runaway train full of regrets? Why did I make life so difficult if it was really this easy?

Life seemed hardest when I worried about other people; other things. Now that my life has become literally simple, the intrinsic value of my very own existence is simply more clear. So what if I'm not the next Octo-mom, Donald Trump, or blushing bride! And so what if I have a couple gray hairs! I'd like to think of them as little reminders to make the most of what I do have; the most of my life... because even though the gray hairs might, my life, won't last forever.

Baby Needs A New Pair Of Shoes!

This morning I had to claw my way out of the most bizarre dream I've had in some time to get up and ready for work. I hadn't even bothered to pick out clothes to wear the night before, what's the point? There's nothing there. My wardrobe is like a multiple choice test in your high school English class, but instead of circling the best answer... you circle the closet looking for the best pair of pants. Best meaning they kind of fit.

This isn't working... this working. I'm not equipped for the job.

I barely made it out the door on time, wearing my $9 green cashmere sweater (again) and saggy seven year old pants with a loose hem on the left leg. This ensemble was accessorized with tired, two year old black heeled boots hiding underneath my unravelling and unflattering pants. I've noticed that the director looks at my boots often, and I think it's out of sympathy, or perhaps plain old confusion. Regardless of what other's think, these boots are barely holding on to their soles, and the soon-to-be-warmer weather commands less cumbersome footwear...

Baby needs a new pair of shoes!

It just so happened, that when I went shopping last week, I purchased a sweater that I hadn't tried on, and of course, it didn't' fit well. Since I had to take it back... I justified using that money towards a respectable pair of shoes... and again... I'm truly hoping that I'll be kept on permanently. A gamble, yes, but if they don't keep me on... at least I will have a nice pair of shoes for interviews!

First thing this morning, I was informed that the fellow staff member I referred to as "the least outgoing," gave me a compliment, and she NEVER does that, exclaimed the director and HR assistant. "She's the coldest fish you will ever meet, and she knows it, so for her to give you a compliment, that is a VERY big deal." Danielle stressed. Ms. Fish had to leave work unexpectedly to tend to her sick child, and asked me to finish a project for her. I was more than glad to do it, and I somehow managed to impress her with my competency. The interesting dynamic is that this "cold fish," and Danielle are sisters-in-law, and have worked together for a few years. Obviously, they have an interest in who they "invite" into their workplace, so if Ms. Fish likes me... I'm one person closer. I'm looking at this like hitting a penny slot jackpot! Not quite the big win, but a win nonetheless!

Enlightened...

I forgot to mention my Saturday with Chester!

Since beginning my visits with Chester, I've been concerned about his daily life. Physically he is well cared for, but I worry that his emotional well-being might be suffering. I'd love to be able to get him outside, to move him about the house, but I can't manage that on my own. I can be pretty lazy at times, but the thought of being confined to a bed or a recliner every day of my life seems rather depressing!

This past Saturday, his weekly caregiver, and my friend Pat, stopped by, and I noticed that Chester spoke freely to her. So after she left, I pulled a chair up next to his bed and started talking to him. He gave me a very cute puzzled look and asked, "Do I know you?" I make a point to tell him who I am when I arrive, so he doesn't get spooked because there is a stranger in the house, but I now realize that although he is coherent at the moment, I don't feel his mind retains the present. He'll ask who I am 15 minutes after I've told him my name, but when it comes to the past, his memory seems very clear. He told me where he went to college, and that he had a master's degree. He told me he played basketball and golf. And he even said, "You sure are good-lookin'!" Ha! My favorite moment speaking with Chester was when I told him that if he needed anything he could yell at me, "I'll let ya," I said. He smiled... a big warm smile.


It was so sweet talking with him, especially since he hardly speaks with his wife and daughter. They have been very worried about his silence and were surprised when I told them about our conversation. I left out the "good-lookin'" part, of course. When I told them that he said he went to the University of Michigan, had a master's degree, golfed, and played basketball, they knew he was speaking... and that he remembered things. There was a true expression of happiness and relief on their faces... a gift to them... and a gift to me.

I'm disappointed in myself for not speaking more with him before, but now that I see how much he welcomes a conversation, I'm going to make a point of speaking with him every visit. I could see how easily someone might just give up, and let go... when they think the world is just passing them by. He's got a bed sore from his chair, and I don't think he enjoys being in the bed all day... so I'd really like to boost his spirits. I wish I had a video camera to capture his conversations for his family to treasure in the event that he passes; a way to capture the moments they don't see. It's hard to explain why I feel so attached to these people, and why I feel such a need to see that Chester's days are happy ones; but it is one of those "gut" feelings that you simply can't ignore.

I See The Light!

Finally... Spring is slowly inching its way back into my life. I have always adored the warmer months, with blooming flowers, and the smell of grass under your feet... but this year... I can't wait for the furnace to quit coming on! That's what life has come to! The beauty of nature is now second to a more affordable heat bill!

The best gift of Spring approaching is the earlier arrival of the sun each morning. What a help it is to pry me out of bed for my new-found state of employment. Despite all of my efforts, I never seemed to manage getting back to "normal," while I wasn't working; and now after just under two weeks, with or without the alarm, I'm up with the sun...

It slaps me in the face!

I wanted to create a "breezy" feel in my bedroom, so I have very thin, white cotton striped curtains hung at my windows. They serve the breezy purpose well, but they aren't sleep-in friendly at all! If I desire to sleep in past the rising of the sun, I am forced to risk suffocation while seeking shelter under my down comforters. Sometimes I laugh at how quickly I would have replaced those curtains with ultra-thick, insulated, black sun-proof ones back in the wild night-life days! I remember hating the sun... and the obnoxiously chirping birds when I was trying to sleep past noon. Now that I have changed my misguided ways, I feed the birds, and enjoy the brightness, and soon to be warmth, of the morning sun. Growing up does funny things to you!

I went to ceramics today. I'm a little frustrated that they haven't fired the kiln since last week. I have about 11 pieces waiting to be fired. In fact, today I emptied out my once cluttered drying shelf. Everything is waiting! Susan and I stepped out mid-way through the "clay day," for our regular shit-shooting session, and while we were outside, she found out that I have never used the wheel to throw clay. "I really like the direction you are going in with your clay. You have such an eye... and it's really cool to see you developing as an artist. You have to throw. I bet you'll get it the very first time." She said. WHAT? I absolutely admire her work! SHE has an eye! And some crazy impressive skills! She studied art in college, and has worked with ceramics for more than 20 years. Me? I'm a complete novice who's only goal is to have my work not shatter in the kiln! The rest is like a bonus! My friend saw some of my in-progress work on my Myspace page, asked me if I sell it, and suggested that I join her for one of her open house gatherings to sell some of my work. What? Would someone BUY it? I'm not sure about that!

What I am sure of, however, is my unfortunate inability to really take any compliments in when it comes to my work. I may still be new with ceramics, but in the past, I have produced some pretty cool art stuff, that others have received quite well. But how can I believe that anyone would want my stuff, if I, myself, do not appreciate it? Why is there such a detachment with most anything I create? Am I that afraid of being self-absorded and egotistical that I have no ego at all? In my defense, I didn't really grow up in an encouraging environment. I didn't have a lot of "cheering on" as a kid... so maybe it's new to me. Maybe it's just something I have to learn. I had a famous singer/songwriter compliment me on some writing I shared with him, and even that didn't give me a "maybe I am talented" feeling. This numbness I have had is something that I have been acknowledging during my self-exploration-because-you-have-nothing-else-to-do time... and I'm very curious about it. But... as I begin to share more of what I truly love, what I truly am... a quirky creative creature... I become less afraid of what people might NOT like, and more open to the fact that they don't have to like it, but I have to create anyway... that's what I'm most happy doing.