Tomorrow is mom's first visit with the oncologist for lifelong cancer battle #3, current battle #2. This is step 1 in determining the schedule of her chemotherapy to fight the cancer they have found in her lymph nodes.
Step 1 in my own official freak out.
So much has been happening. So many things that grab you by the heart in one hand, and the brain in the other, squeezing tightly to see which one cries "Uncle!" first. Last week, I was unexpectedly asked to run for office. (Please envision whatever facial expression best communicates "What the fuck?!" to you now.) Being one of those seemingly delusional people that actually believes you can change the world... I was flattered, thrilled, and ready.
However, after a brief courtship with mythical opportunity and many secret meetings reminiscent of bat caves and kryptonite... reality, my love for my mother and cancer punched me right in my frontal lobe. As it should have.
The very thought of not being there for my mother... not being there if things got bad, or really bad, was absolutely horrifying me. I could not sleep. I was already guilty of the unthinkable for thinking. And I really mean guilty.
My mom is my world... and my world is being threatened. Like a classic game of battleship... life was trying to outwit me. Trying to distract me and weaken my strategy to survive. My strategy to get my mom to survive.
I was neglecting myself... my own life... my mother's life... the simple things that bring me the most joy. Oh this thing, this crazy little thing we call life.
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1 comment:
As always, your devotion to what is truly important is an inspiration. It's more than that, really. It's life - for you, for your mother, and for those of us with mothers.
I've felt a little lost lately, absorbed in myself & suddenly realized I've fallen almost completely out of touch with family. Someone important will call, and I will be antsy for the call to finish because I am up to my eyeballs in juggling my life, but...What would happen if disaster overtook a loved one, and I was too busy?
You're on the right track. You've worked hard to get there. Glad to see you're sticking to it through the most trying times!
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