Wondering or Wandering?

It's Saturday afternoon...

After starving myself all morning and into the early afternoon, I finally decided I was worthy of eating. In fear of my own economic collapse, I had frozen some bacon that looked as though it was about to "go bad." Freezing has to kill some cooties, doesn't it? Well let's hope it did, because I cooked it, and ate some. I made scrambled eggs with old onion, and shavings of sharp cheddar cheese, one piece of toast, and bad(?) bacon. Oh, yes, and I am treating myself to a cup of coffee, since I use milk with it, and that is about to expire. "Breakfast" at 2 in the afternoon.

Since tallying my bills the other day, I have had a cloud of anxiety over my head. The freezing temperatures have jacked up the utility bills, despite keeping my heat at 58 or 60 degrees, and using minimal electricity. I can't afford heat, but I also can't afford frozen pipes. Both my gas and electric are double what my budget allows for, and of course, unemployment doesn't give raises. So I am left to wonder how the hell I'm going to stay afloat. Is it time to call the mortgage company? I had already warned them that things could get difficult months ago. Not only is this my first time owning a home, this is my first experience with unemployment, and the first time the whole country is in despair. I can't risk damaging my credit, because thanks to an unethical mortgage deal, I will have to have my house paid for, or refinanced in three years. This may sound pessimistic, but I am simply being realistic... I'll have to refinance.

So here I sit, knowing the mail has just arrived, and I don't want to see what is inside the box. I tried to locate a name for "fear of mail" but apparently no one thinks that is a legitimate phobia. I located articles about fear of mail due to anthrax, but nothing about fear of mail because mail brings bills and economic collapse makes paying bills impossible. Yesterday, I received my car insurance statement, which added another $100 to the monstrous pile of bills I already can't pay by the 4th of February.

I've fallen off the gratitude bus, and find myself in the land of discouragement. Just being honest. This is pissing me off! My graduation money is gone... all to bills. I have no savings. That went to bills too. I'm cutting out everything I can... and it still isn't enough. Businesses are closing everyday... adding thousands more to the unemployment plight. So needless to say, finding a job grows ever more impossible every moment. I have been trying to research starting a business, and one of the first articles I found leads me to believe that to manage property here, I have to have a broker's license. To have a broker's license, you have to have been a full-time real estate agent for three years. I DON'T HAVE THREE YEARS! I have no clue where or how to find the answers I need for free. I can't afford to breathe right now, let alone seek legal advice.

Right now I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly... wasting time. Wasting life. (Cue the music to Margaritaville...) Wasting the days away in Unemploymentville. Searching for my, lost sliver of hope. Some people say that there's an economy to blame... but I know...it's my own damn fault?