In the Grand Scheme of Things...

It's a slow afternoon here in "Shitsville." I migrated from the bed to the couch after too-few hours of sleep. Answering emails and searching for jobs. Searching for jobs. S-e-a-r-c-h-i-n-g...

I think I just nodded off for a second.

Anyway, I had a visitor! Well, he wasn't really here to see me, he was just doing his job and dropping off the mail. (I'm attempting to pretend I have some sort of exciting social life here.) It must be National Junk Mail Day, as I received not one bit of personal mail... not even a bill! I received a coupon flyer, certificates for "Mystery Points" from a casino, a "Honda Summer Clearance" mailer, and an invitation to start a "free checking" account at a local bank. (Apparently these people are unaware that I don't have a job, nor a secret stash of riches! ) If I sign up for an account at the bank, they will give me a free "Northern Gravity Gear Carry All;" a "versatile backpack" with a "cooler for drinks and snacks on the bottom and a roomy main compartment on top."

So here's my plan:

1. Go to the bank to open my "free checking account." Ask them to overlook the fact that I have no money to put in it, and to "Please fill my free backpack with Diet Coke, chili cheese Fritos, and bundles of one-hundred dollar bills."

2. Hitchhike to casino with "Mystery Points" certificates in hand. Cash in "Mystery Points." Hit Jackpot. (Or rich-looking man over head.) Put winnings (or muggings) in "roomy main compartment."

3. Hitchhike to local Honda Dealer for the "Honda Summer Clearance Sale." Offer the sales guy a Diet Coke and some chili cheese Fritos; while I try to negotiate 99% off the sticker price. Drive home in my Honda Fit.

4. Turn on the T.V., eat the rest of the chili cheese Fritos, and wait for gas coupons in tomorrow's mail...