No Rhythm... Just Blues

Temporary Depression. Here I am.

I was up all night, completely enthralled with the world; all of the amazing people that are out there... everywhere, and wondering how I had become so disconnected to it. To them. To people. To me. I had reached out to the world via MySpace. Blindly. Requesting friendship from complete strangers... exploring their profiles and photographs. I found a common thread. So many creative and beautiful souls; many pondering the riddle of life, just as I am. In just a few hours and click -clacks of the keys of my laptop, I had once again found the spirit of human existence. What the hell have I been doing all of these years? What has happened to my life? So much time: wasted! Thank you to everyone who has jumped aboard my torment train. You have enlightened me!

My dear friend who is a few states away finally called me today. I've been worried as hell about her. She has been going through the same pains as I have: unexpectedly unemployed, late-thirties and loveless. Both of us have all of the time in the world to support each other, but not a penny in our pockets to travel. I'm in a financial prison. America is in trouble, especially the state that I live in. Each day there are news reports of layoffs, shutdowns, foreclosures, skyrocketing gas prices and unemployment rates. I've been sending resumes and cover letters out daily, and get nary a call back or interview. I've been unemployed since the beginning of May and it is taking it's toll on me... picking away at my spirit a little each day. By the grace of God, I am collecting unemployment, as I was permanently laid off. And again, by the grace of God, I am able to pay my mortgage, and living expenses, and have about $80 to spare for the month.

The connection here... the one that I am struggling to eloquently make, is that I miss my life, I miss LIVING, I miss my friend! Yet, I do not have the finances to do a damn thing about it! I truly fear that I may have to become a middle-aged stripper in a dirty, dumpy, drinking hole! I went to see the movie, "Sex in The City," with my aunt (it was at the cheap flicks for $3) and I was about to cry through the entire film! Not because it was sad, or because I was overjoyed that they reunited to make this picture... because I can't tell you the last time I went out with the girls, or had to mourn a break-up. Because it reminded me how beautiful being connected to humans really is. If someone hurts you terribly, that means you have felt love in your heart. If you become angry with a friend, that means you have enjoyed the gift of companionship. I want to see my friend so terribly. Too giggle over lunch. Sneak peeks of handsome men. Get out! Enjoy the world and it's wonderful population of soul-searchers!

I'm youthful, healthy, intelligent, spirited, and maybe even sexy. What the hell am I doing here, in this old empty house, in a depressed town, without a job, without a man, and without my friends?