Birthday BOYnanza!

Ah. Here I am. On my birthday. I intended to simply go to bed early on my birthday eve. However, a glimpse of youthful yesteryear, combined with an email from Nick, led to some serious shenanigans. What a fun mess that turned out to be! I have stumbled upon yet another dating riddle... is it wrong to date more than one person, when no established relationship exists? Men do this all the time. However, not only am I not a man, I'm also not a "serial-dater" at heart. Truth is, I really dig Mack so far. How would he feel about me spending time with another man? We aren't involved. We have only gone out once.

Nick and I have known each other for several years. We met at a time when both of us were far less responsible adults. Our time together usually consisted of too much to drink and a little bit of sex. Never really premeditated dates. Just convenient coincidence. If we ran into each other at the bar, we'd "hook-up." Back then, I was a bit of a mess. I hadn't yet figured out that I needed to love myself a little, and allow others to love me. I just spent a lot of time wondering why I always wound up with the wrong guy. Nick wasn't an asshole. He was smart, philosophical and charming. We had great chemistry. For a short time during our lushy, lusty, love affair, I wanted Nick to be "the" guy. I thought I had finally found a decent man and that perhaps we would date. The rendezvous soon ended.

Fast Forward. Nick had looked me up on the Internet and asked me out. I was shocked. What had changed? Had he changed? Had we "grown up?" After several months of emails, I finally grew tired of waiting for Nick to actually make this proposed date a reality. We were both, legitimately, very busy balancing our college and work schedules... but I believe if seeing someone is important to you, 15 great minutes of conversation when you can squeeze it in, is better than waiting for an optimal time-frame three weeks out. I chalked his inability to find time up to being very non-committal and mildly insincere. We all know that words carry little weight with me.

Again, fast forward. Nick emails me last night. We exchange our usual witty banter with an occasional sexual innuendo thrown in the mix. Next thing you know... he's at my door, with his yesteryear party favors. I don't drink. I've retired. We share many, many, intelligent conversations. Then Nick's Booze Barometer busts... and out flows the honesty... Nick begins to tell me details of when we first met that I will never in my life remember. He tells me that I'm one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen. No one else has ever "knocked (him) on his heels" with intelligence. I'm hot. I'm the smartest person he's ever met. I'm fuckin' HOT. Head to toe. I'm hot. My eyes are piercing. When I look at him he shudders. He expresses an anguished desire to be honest with me about why we didn't evolve into a couple years ago. I demanded he be honest and explained that honesty from someone you respect is the best kind, be it negative or positive. He finally says he felt I was a little possessive. I agree with him. He smiles. I then explain that when you don't yet love yourself you seek love from outside. He had been the first man that I had felt safe with... that I could love. I thought I had a "limited-time only" offer on the table! I was definitely too eager back then. Afterwards, he drafts a contract to prove that he wants to take me to dinner.

We made it about three hours. Then we made it. Nick and I are not strangers to each other sexually. Although, it has been many years since we'd been naked around each other. For a moment I questioned if I really wanted to have sex with him, and then I came to the conclusion that I was not going to spend my life waiting on things that weren't yet a reality. Enjoying sex is a reality. And a damn good one at that! After I let go of the "what-ifs" and gave myself permission to enjoy some consenting-adult activity, the rest was easy, and comfortably familiar. I spent the first day of my 37Th year being pleasured by a very eager to please man.

Here come the complications. Now that Nick is totally into me, I'm not that into him. And I'm slightly into someone else... well more accurately, into the idea of being slightly into someone else. Why is it that when you want someone, they don't want you, and then when they want you, you don't want them? And as far as Mack goes, he's in Florida. Warm weather + bikinis = sex. I'm sure he's indulging or at least thinking about indulging his "consenting adult."

My conclusion is that being with Nick, while hoping to go on another date with Mack, is not wrong. Yet. Nick and I are supposed to go to dinner tonight...