Uncomfortably Numb

My graduation commencement is this Saturday. Some 18 years after I originally began college, many "breaks" (some legitimate, some not), and a lot of struggle, I managed to finally finish what I started.

And it has taught me something, I kind of already knew. I don't know how to feel special, or celebrated.

I crave attention, just like anyone else does, but something about an event intended solely to celebrate your own accomplishments, seems selfish to me. I don't see anything wrong with it when it is someone else. In fact, I LOVE to throw parties for other people. I love to make other people feel special. So why do I feel I don't deserve this? Is it that?

Throughout my life, I have had an inner fear of failure. A nagging feeling of not being good enough, or not living up to my true potential. And even though I don't feel I have been truly successful yet, I have achieved many things, often with the odds highly stacked against me. But, instead of immersing myself in a sense of satisfaction or pride... I feel nothing! I literally feel nothing when I think of my graduation! What the hell?

I know that part of my numbness is my personal belief that a college education does not completely validate a person's intelligence level, nor guarantee their future success. Many brilliant and successful people, in fact, some of the most successful people, did not finish high school. And despite my mild insecurity, I've never felt the need to say "I have a degree in such and such, and I've hung out with this famous person and that famous person, as well as having a bazillion dollars in the bank." Bazillion dollars? Ha! Try thirty-five!

Another contributing factor to my apathy is my personal unfamiliarity with celebration. The only parties I recall are two childhood birthday parties, my 21st birthday party (ouch), and being named employee of the year... but that was at the company Christmas party, so it wasn't "all about me." My family and friends are sprawled across the country, and the business of life has always gotten in the way for other "special" events. I'm not used to a fuss!

Lastly, giving things feels great to me. Receiving them: weird. Really! Now I certainly appreciate a present or some cash... but it does feel weird! I get all nervous, wondering if I showed enough gratitude, if I said "thank you" with enough conviction.

Yeah. I'm a mess. An educated mess, but still a mess. And that's okay! One thing I have learned in my "old age" is that everyone has their own quirks, issues, and struggles. I sure as hell wasted a lot of time beating myself up for a lot of things that just make me "me." And I'm really hoping to learn how to truly love myself before I croak. I'm getting there. I really am. Maybe I have a fear of failing at being me!