Witness Protection Program

Help! I'm not sure that I'm ready for that big, bad world that so quickly forgot about me for the past ten months. A former "people person," I now find mingling amongst masses of homosapiens almost uncomfortable! I feel exposed; vulnerable; like a person in the Witness Protection Program that just got spotted in the produce aisle in Arkansas.


It is in fact a small world after all... but the world inside my house is even smaller. And definitely more predictable... more comfortable... less demanding. However, I failed to find a miraculous way to support my lone existence without leaving the safety of my humble home... and my brain tricked me into believing that if I didn't find a job soon, I would somehow feel unfulfilled...

So here I am... working. Voyaging through the world of the "normal" people, wondering who knows I've lived the life of a sloth for months on end... wondering if unemployment has visibly damaged me; nipped away my sense of value and competence. My "oh my God I have a job!" feelings are becoming lost in this sea of doubt... fear of failure... insecurity.

My world is shrinking all around me! I keep running into people I haven't seen in years, having to rehash my circumstances with each encounter. That I have a job, but it's temporary part-time, that I graduated, but I'm going back to school... I just don't know when... I have to constantly relive the frustrating uncertainty and instability of life in today's economy each time I explain "what's going on." I ran into my high school friend's father this morning, a friend of a guy I dated (but shouldn't have) in my 20's in the hallway at work ... the tenant of an apartment I remodelled is asking me out (I think), my ex that will never be "serious material" is back in town... Nothing truly complicated, but I'm used to just having an occassional conversation with my cat, not trying to explain my 10 months in hell without sounding pessimistic. Shit. Did I just admit that?

Anyway... I love my job. I like the people, I really like the pay... it's a seven minute drive from my house... and it has a purpose. But, it's temporary part-time until the end of April... at which time they may or may not offer me a permanent position, and if they do, it will likely be part-time. If it's the same amount of hours I have now, I can live off of that... and hope for more hours in the future; while still taking my ceramics classes, and returning to school.

NOW... I just got a call for a call-back interview at a new business that is opening in the late summer. There are 1,500 positions available... and already over 20,000 have applied. So this is a BIG DEAL. My interview is tomorrow at 3:30, after a day of work. Not ideal for me, but, at least I don't have enough time to overthink it and start freaking out. I'm already jumping the gun and trying to decide which job is the best fit for me. Rather silly, since I don't have a solid offer of permanent employment from either place. This is what the economy, unemployment, and living on a literal prayer does to your mind... I'm a friggin' mess! I AM already freaking out.

I suppose the good news is that I sprung for some new shoes and a few "businessy" wardrobe items... so at least I won't LOOK like a dishelved, neurotic desperado. And, I suppose that the worst that could happen is that I have a choice in which job to accept. The source of my paranoia, perhaps, is a fear of losing the person I most recently found; sacrificing the joy of truly being who I am, for the much -needed security of a reliable and sustainable income.

To be continued...