The Piano (Uncut Version)

As my sacrificially loyal readers may know, I added a beautiful piano, courtesy of a generous soul on Craig's List, to my home back in October. Unfortunately, it needs a tuning I cannot presently afford, so the ivory-tickling has been minimal at best. Instead of being thoroughly enjoyed as I delusionally intended, my lovely piano has been a reminder of what could be... and perhaps what should be.

To add insult to injury, my elderly, feline Alzheimer stricken, 15 year-old and counting cat... sometimes gets lost and confused behind the massive neglected wooden instrument and decides that occasionally relieving her bladder would be appreciated. So to relieve and distract my pre-interview mind... I broke out the carpet cleaner to "de-funk" the carpet behind the piano.

I know you "normal"people are cringing in disgust and thinking, "I'd kick that ol' cat out the door to meet Jesus..." but if the day ever comes that I'm tinkling my own pants in my old age... I certainly hope nobody reaches for the gas! So out of respect for her elderly-ness, and compassion for the fear she must feel to be suddenly "trapped" behind a giant, bazillion-pound piano, in the darkness of her surely failing eyesight... I just chalk it up to an odiferous lesson in patience.

I bought a foreclosed, bank-owned home for a song, pre-country-wide-economic-implosion, that was previously occupied by free-wizzing pets... so I can hardly hold my old kitty solely responsible for her mishaps. She's doing what comes naturally to her, and naturally pisses us "civilized" humans off. Thankfully, the carpeting is an industrial strength cleaning solution friendly, barely still in style Berber that is on the "must replace when I have a job" wish list, so despite a normal person's normal neurotic response to this... I don't mind it much. I just clean, clean, clean it up; grateful that my carpet is not newly installed and yet to be paid for.

Don't write me off as a disgusting low-rent just yet. I keep my house quite tidy and will do whatever it takes to maintain a pleasant "welcome home" experience that does NOT involve the lovely aroma of cat urine. To attest to my dedication, I welcome any 5'5", 130 pound women to tell me how "easy" it is to move a 1920-ish, solid mahogany encased, upright piano, alone. At first, I thought I'd take a wall down before that stubborn musical mammoth would move... but I somehow managed to get it far enough away from the wall to access "Tinkle Town." I've gone over the carpet three times with OxyClean, and let another foam cleaner soak on it twice, before cleaning again. I'll be going over it yet another time before I retire for the evening, and perhaps attacking again tomorrow.

Yes, it's gross, but such is life... sometimes. And, I'm sure any parents out there could testify to the pungent horrors of an oozing "pooey" diaper. I've managed to escape that daily task thus far, so I believe it's my allotted "punishment."

Just a glimpse into the "sexiness" of my life of singlehood...