What's Next?

Pondering. I've been pondering what to do with myself, with my life, a lot lately. Now that I am single again, and not distracted by the flirtatious excitement of a new relationship, I feel kind of lost.

The past five years or so I've been doing a lot of growing... changing... and for the most part, I'd say I've made significant progress in my life. But yet, I feel stumped. Where am I going? What am I doing? I don't feel I have those answers. Where is my drive? Have I ever had this "drive?" These are my questions. Questions weighing so heavily on my mind, that I literally awoke with them this morning. Apparently my entire resting state is now consumed with these concerns.

My birthday is in two weeks. Another year of life passing. Did I do anything valuable within that time? I did finally finish school, something I had always wanted to do, and yet felt little accomplishment when it was all said and done. The same blankness of emotion surrounds my art, despite being offered to be in a show; and my writing, despite being published. I found a job at which I excel and that has the ever elusive "purpose" I find so important... and having a job these days is a miracle within itself. Honestly, I keep waiting for the curtain to fall, the bomb to drop, the bottom to fall out. Why am I so detached from myself? Why am I unable to celebrate my personal successes? Or even acknowledge them?

What's next?

I do not know. I have this nagging feeling that there is something I am supposed to be doing. An incomprehensible voice is calling to me... why don't I understand it?