What You Wish For...

Be careful of that! Whilst finding many of my own very wishes coming true... I find myself buried in them! Buried in cliches as well! "When it rains it pours" is certainly ringing loud and true for me; negatively and positively.

My laptop croaked. Then the loaner croaked.

I had no job. Three jobs. Two jobs. 15 hours a week. 20 hours a week. 32 hours a week. Then 30 hours a week. Now I've been offered 40 hours a week, I still care for Chester and my remodelling job is dragging on because of a sub-contractor. The first grant I wrote was awarded, which is great for the resume, but bad in the sense that delays in the awarding process mean my deadlines will be extremely difficult to reach. I am getting sent to many conferences which award continuing education credits; again good for the resume, but bad for the deadlines!

I feel like I'm running after everything! Including after my own shoes! I have no milk, no eggs, no butter, and no time to go to the store. I have a tote bag full of mail and not a single over-priced stamp. I have my primer and paint for my own remodel job: the garage. Yet, I have not a single moment (that doesn't involve rain) to get back to it!

And the boys. Oh those silly boys. A couple boys have been attempting to court me, but again, I have no time! And when I find time, I'm going to have to decide if I want to allow this said courting first! I must confess that regardless of any potential futures with any said boys, knowing that there may still be options after you have neared even closer to 40 is something I'm very grateful for!

Unfortunately, either a cup of Earl Grey tea, or some overnight anxiety kept me up until almost 4 a.m. which made getting up at 5:30 a.m. not so pleasant. Couple my lack of sleep with congestion, sneezing, itchy ears and an irritated throat (allergies?) and I'm ready to tie a white T-shirt to a stick and wave it wildly to and fro!

Oh it has rained. And has it poured! And I am: drowning!

Behind... Behind!

Yowza! It's been quite some time since I've verbally harassed the world wide web. I'd apologize... but I suspect some of you out there are rather grateful for the resulting silence! I'm so behind... that I'm even behind on my behind! Maintenance of it, that is. In essence of time, and celebration of laziness, I have decided to use bullets to update you on the goings-on of Mona:

• I chose to celebrate the 4th by cooking dinner for my mother (she had to work) and lighting off lame grocery store fireworks that offered more laughter than explosive delight.
• In case you didn't know... yeah, I'm single again.
• I had a birthday. The big 3-8. And, for the first time in a very long time, I actually enjoyed my birthday.
• My job is still going well, however, if grant funding does not come through in September... it's back to the unemployment lines!
• "Act Like A Lady. Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey was given to me as a gift from my boss. I think they want me to find a husband more than I do!
• The elderly man I care for has been declining in health.
• An article I wrote for our organization was published in a local magazine.
• My personal laptop had an unfortunate meeting with a glass of ice water, courtesy of my dementia-riddled cat.
• The loaner laptop I have has a chronic illness of some sort (hence the lack of blogging).
• I'm doing another remodel, and decided that it would be a good time to scrape and repaint my garage. NOT!
• My immediate family and I are becoming closer since my brother moved back.
• This is the first year of my life that I can remember my father wishing me a Happy Birthday.

Basically... I'm at a crossroads. There are many things before me, and I'm trying to decide where to direct my energies. It's a good thing. Just too difficult to express in one blog after a twelve hour work day while watching "America's Got Talent" on tv. In fact, I almost considered starting an entirely new blog with a slightly different focus, but my computer problems are preventing me from doing much of anything that involves the internet reliably.

So once I've caught up with my behind... I'll try to provide a more ass-tronomically profound blog. Stay tuned.

Young, Restless... and Random

It's 12:30 a.m. and my alarm is going to start squealing in 5 1/2 hours. I was really falling asleep during the 11 o'clock news... even cut it short for fear of leaving the t.v. on. But, somehow, my mind started reeling randomly... about my fantasy art studio and whether or not I should add it on to the house or build it at the very back of the yard. Huh? What sense does it make to concern myself with such things when I have all of $900 spare dollars in my bank account and plenty of other repairs that must precede this desired draft house. I immediately surrendered the idea of pursuing sleep and got up to make myself a cup of mint tea. I then was easily entertained with "mint tea... it's minty," and, well, I continue to digress!

I've just made another cup.

Here comes a confession: I've been watching "The Bachelorette." Yes, I'm ashamed, but you must know that I'm not watching it because I truly want to. I think I'm watching it because I'm desperately searching for a reason not to cancel my cable service and spend that $70 a month on something more meaningful than 100 some channels of absolute crap. This debate has been on-going for at least a year now. Why can't I just let it go? I honestly don't watch that much t.v. in the first place.

To continue in the theme of randomness... while watching "The Bachelorette" I searched "how to find love" and came across an article that was semi-interesting and mildly intellectual. Perhaps I could have paid more attention to it, but that would have required my inquiry to be serious... and I just don't believe finding love should be so analytical, calculated, and planned. But, I also apparently suck at it! Interesting, but not interesting enough for me to investigate! Anyway, one of the suggestions the article makes is to make a list of your ideal mate, right down to height, occupation, personality, hobbies... you name it. Hmmm. I've heard this a few times before. However, it gives me a "Weird Science" kind of image when I think of drafting the plans of my future mate and seems entirely unnatural. And if I were to stay true to what my list would entail... I would be single well into my 50's at minimum! The sad truth is the kind of man I truly desire is unlikely to reside within a 50 mile radius of my home, and more likely to require a passport to visit me.

The article did mention "settling" and something about sticking in relationships that aren't really working and therefore distracting ourselves from what we really want. Ironic, because my on-again-off-again (more off than on) fellow of over 10 years asked me out earlier in the evening and I agreed. At one point in time, I secretly referred to him as my husband, meaning I envisioned us married somewhere down the line; however, any nuptial notions have long since passed and never returned. We just haven't been in the same proverbial place in years. I don't think it so wrong to spend time with him. He's a friend after all. It's comfortable. Safe. Familiar. We laugh together. Aren't concerned with false impressions or insecurities. A hell of a lot better than unwittingly going on a blindish date with someone from an online dating site in my book! I've been craving more social interaction and that's all it really is. Lately, I've been working, or basically spending time at home, and not always wisely. I think I'll stick with my plans and save the analyzing and calculating for the weekend.

Serendipitous Coincidence

Life has a funny way of telling us the things we really want to know, quietly sending us the answers to questions our human minds find impossible. After waking up Saturday morning with my mind full of wonder, jaw sore from anxiety-driven teeth grinding... the answers slowly came to me.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time alone, and had an unplanned dinner with my mother, brother, aunt and cousin.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time at home, until I picked mulberries with my neighbor, watched the groundhogs play, witnessed two baby doves learn how to fly, fixed my fountain bird bath that I had written off as broken, gave a neighbor I had never met before free tickets to a ball game, and helped my brother mulch my mother's yard.

I felt, perhaps, that I wasn't living up to my potential, then I finished reading the book, "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell.

I was feeling like the meaningful things in life seem to be lost in the rush of attainment and status... wondering if I was fooling myself with a false contentment in my non-material world; and I watched the movie "Seven Pounds."

I picked fresh blackberries from the vine. Planted flowers. Danced with the wind and sun for an entire Sunday afternoon. Profound? No. But somehow, these simple occurrences settled my mind. I feel a great sense of calm and contentment. I might not be able to provide a detailed map of where I'm going... or an elaborate agenda of what I'm doing... but I know that it's right.

What's Next?

Pondering. I've been pondering what to do with myself, with my life, a lot lately. Now that I am single again, and not distracted by the flirtatious excitement of a new relationship, I feel kind of lost.

The past five years or so I've been doing a lot of growing... changing... and for the most part, I'd say I've made significant progress in my life. But yet, I feel stumped. Where am I going? What am I doing? I don't feel I have those answers. Where is my drive? Have I ever had this "drive?" These are my questions. Questions weighing so heavily on my mind, that I literally awoke with them this morning. Apparently my entire resting state is now consumed with these concerns.

My birthday is in two weeks. Another year of life passing. Did I do anything valuable within that time? I did finally finish school, something I had always wanted to do, and yet felt little accomplishment when it was all said and done. The same blankness of emotion surrounds my art, despite being offered to be in a show; and my writing, despite being published. I found a job at which I excel and that has the ever elusive "purpose" I find so important... and having a job these days is a miracle within itself. Honestly, I keep waiting for the curtain to fall, the bomb to drop, the bottom to fall out. Why am I so detached from myself? Why am I unable to celebrate my personal successes? Or even acknowledge them?

What's next?

I do not know. I have this nagging feeling that there is something I am supposed to be doing. An incomprehensible voice is calling to me... why don't I understand it?