So my "secret love affair" at work has been outted, and the "are we this" "or are we that"s have begun. There is no tabloid scandal... and no inner feeling of shock or pressure; I am just literally laughing at myself!
I have this history of having to prove things, and only wanting things when I can't have them. For example, I will play a man in a "man's sport" until I win... because I'm not supposed to. When my hair was stick straight, I longed for curly hair. Now that my hair has wave to it, I want my stick straight hair back! I never diet, because as soon as I utter the words, "I'm on a diet," I suddenly crave shit I would never want if I were left to my own dietary devices and I gain 5 pounds. When I'm single, I think I want a relationship, and when I think I might be in a relationship, I want to cling to my singlehood.
And now, here I am, dating. A guy who just can't seem to screw this up, and won't seem to let me either! What? Now what's a girl supposed to do? His swooning tactics are beyond masterful. He's so attentive that I bet he could tell you the last time I had pepper stuck in my teeth... My office has given him the thumbs up, and his office gave him permission to continue to see me because I "dress nice and not many women around here do."
I will not deny my self-defeating romantic behaviors. I thought C.F. was more amazing than a starry September sky; all the while knowing he would never be completely available to me. And now that this fella would rearrange the stars of the night sky to spell out poetic messages that only he and I knew the meaning of... I feel myself closing off.
I thought I was over this stupid shit! But, to avoid adopting a negative sense of utter failure... I'm going with the first step... and admitting this is a problem. So do I talk about it with him? Do I grab him and say, "No really! I like you... I just don't know HOW to like you?" Personally I would view that as a fast ticket out the door! But apparently, he enjoys riddles and puzzles, because so far, he's stuck around. Over 30 days. A record for my man-tolerance of late.
To be continued...
I have this history of having to prove things, and only wanting things when I can't have them. For example, I will play a man in a "man's sport" until I win... because I'm not supposed to. When my hair was stick straight, I longed for curly hair. Now that my hair has wave to it, I want my stick straight hair back! I never diet, because as soon as I utter the words, "I'm on a diet," I suddenly crave shit I would never want if I were left to my own dietary devices and I gain 5 pounds. When I'm single, I think I want a relationship, and when I think I might be in a relationship, I want to cling to my singlehood.
And now, here I am, dating. A guy who just can't seem to screw this up, and won't seem to let me either! What? Now what's a girl supposed to do? His swooning tactics are beyond masterful. He's so attentive that I bet he could tell you the last time I had pepper stuck in my teeth... My office has given him the thumbs up, and his office gave him permission to continue to see me because I "dress nice and not many women around here do."
I will not deny my self-defeating romantic behaviors. I thought C.F. was more amazing than a starry September sky; all the while knowing he would never be completely available to me. And now that this fella would rearrange the stars of the night sky to spell out poetic messages that only he and I knew the meaning of... I feel myself closing off.
I thought I was over this stupid shit! But, to avoid adopting a negative sense of utter failure... I'm going with the first step... and admitting this is a problem. So do I talk about it with him? Do I grab him and say, "No really! I like you... I just don't know HOW to like you?" Personally I would view that as a fast ticket out the door! But apparently, he enjoys riddles and puzzles, because so far, he's stuck around. Over 30 days. A record for my man-tolerance of late.
To be continued...
2 comments:
Were we separated at birth? No, really? I made a promise to myself to not be in a relationship for at least a year after my last relationship (which lasted 7 yrs.). I figured the time to myself would DEFINITELY make me aware of my bad relationship habits AND make me appreciate the next relationship.
Well, I ended up meeting an incredibly amazing man (when, of course, dating was the LAST thing on my mind) and I ran with the relationship. All the while I was praying to God that my dumbass would let myself be vulnerable and open with the "good guy."
It took almost 6 months before my first relationship sabbotaging came out and I wanted to slap myself silly for even doing it. Thankfully I apologized, explained openly and honestly about my bad relationship habit, and promised myself and him that I would not do something so silly again.
Truthfully, the fear of losing a good guy was my motivating factor. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you don't "need" a man to live, but isn't it nice to finally have someone that would "rearrange the stars of the night sky" for you???
Moral of my story is to be open with him about your fear of closing yourself off to him (use your discretion as to how much you go into it). Good thing is you are aware of what you're starting to do, which means you know you have the ability to change. If he's a real man, he'll understand and help you through it. If not, his loss. Whatever happens, you'll be fine :)
Thank you for the truly helpful advice! The urge to confess my fears, bad habits, and true feelings has been escalating. I almost let it all out last night, but I'm AFRAID of the timing. He did take me to breakfast with his MOM today... and we have confessed to "liking" each other. I guess my honesty hasn't evolved past the seventh grade! But... I'm trying!
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