Double Duty: Day 1

I successfully survived day 1 at Job 2, despite somehow mismanaging my bedroom alarm clock and cell phone alarm... waking up 40 minutes later than planned! NOT a great way to begin your first-day-on-the-job morning! I did have enough time to dress and shower... even to make a cup of my terrible, but cheap, coffee to drink on the panicked drive in. The morning air was warmer than usual, but not warm enough to drive with the window down. However, I had no choice, considering my driver's side window decided to get off track Sunday afternoon, leaving me to fret over when/how I could fix it before the rains came!

I arrived 10 minutes early, and 12 minutes before my predecessor. Shew! The day was mildly chaotic. Myself, two other first-dayers, and my predecessor/trainer, ran through the cubicles pilfering the necessary parts to assemble a functioning telephone and computer system. I now have ANOTHER desk, phone extension, ID badge and email account. Concrete proof that I do in fact have two jobs... at least for the moment.

Unfortunately, my ploy to finagle a four-day work week, allowing a solid day at the other job, was unsuccessful. SHIT! Plan B. I hadn't a plan B, but I quickly concocted one! My other job's offices are housed in a larger business' building so I don't think I can truly come and go as I please with my key card, but I believe I may be able to get in as early as 7a.m. When I was first hired, working at home was offered as an option... soooooooooooooooo... Plan B consists of reporting to Job 1 on Mondays and Wednesdays for an hour to sort through necessary assignments, report to Job 2 for my 9a.m.-5:30p.m. workday... work on Job 1 stuff when I get home for a bit... rinse and repeat. Okay... skip the rinsing, but you get the gist of it. I REFUSE to let go of that job. Not yet. They have been good to me, and I know they need the help right now. I will be able to honor my scheduled commitments for the next two weeks for sure, but I'd like to keep my toe in the door just in case I need to, and because I actually want to. I'll get to see how all of this goes when I break the news tomorrow morning...

After my three hours in at Job 2... I raced home and quickly changed from Betty Business to Sara Ceramics, and was back on the road before my engine even quit moving. I was frantically staining and glazing several bisque-fired pieces and sharing the "I may never see you again... at least not for awhile" news with my dear "dirt" buddies. I may be able to continue my ceramic adventures, but I would have to switch to the night session, and make new "friends." Frankly, I adore the ones I craft clay with now, so it's bittersweet.

Once the glazing frenzy ended, I raced off to my Mr. Fixit friend's house, where he dissassembled my car door panel and readjusted my wayward window. We also did a few other minor repairs, so my "little tin soldier" looks a tiny bit better. She's a ten year old car, with only 79,000 miles on her... but she's been in the wrong place at the wrong time and taken a few uninsured beatings along the way. But, she's paid for! If things go well in the job department, I just might treat her to a makeover, as I have NO intention of taking on a car payment anytime soon. I should be able to drive that ol' girl around for at least another 5 years. Gotta love a Honda!

Upon arriving home, the sunshine and warm air demanded that I clean out the garage, caring not that I had ZERO caloric intake for the day thus far. I had no time to eat! So while the oven was preheating to cook some cheap -and -easy -chicken, I swiftly organized some tools and supplies, making my exits and entrances a heck of a lot less dangerous! I won't have to worry about removing a stack of Styrofoam cups from the "spear" of my high heel as I rush out the door, ever again! (Don't ask.)

Now, it's nearing 10 p.m. I am going to select tomorrow's wardrobe, just in case I encounter another alarm clock debacle... and hopefully get some REST! I tossed and turned last night while trying to literally figure out my financial future with my cell phone calculator at 1 in the morning. But soon... soon I feel the stress and anxiety of bills and never-ending job hunting will come to a lull. The light is finally on at the end of the tunnel; and I can finally afford to pay the bill!

FIRE SALE!

In my quest to survive being jobless and broke in a faltering economy, I have begun hocking my unused belongings on Ebay. Over the past 5 years, I have tried to maintain a minimalist existence, but somehow, a few random things have managed to remain in my possession. Most of them have been sitting in boxes at my mother's house, waiting for someone to want them, and my mother likely waiting for me to find them a new home.

Going through unorganized boxes of "junk" isn't most people's idea of a good time, but, I've found it to be like a fun little treasure hunt! When I had moved back to my mother's temporarily inbetween places a few years ago, I hastily shoved all sorts of things into boxes: old mail, things I wanted to keep, and stuff I didn't want anymore. Considering we are in the age of "identity theft," getting papers with personal information in the right place is rather important, and generating income from things I don't need can only help my quest for survival... so it's worth the effort. And since I'm hoping to land a job from one or both of my upcoming interviews, now is the time to have my very own "fire sale."

My first listings were made last week and will end tomorrow night. I'm happy to report that I just got my first bid on an item... a whopping 99 cents! This particular item does have two "watchers" so I am hoping the auction action heats up over the next 20 hours. Selling things on Ebay is very similar to playing the slots at the casino. You put a little money in, hit a few buttons, and hope for a "jackpot!" What makes it even more exciting is the uncertainty of what items will sell. I have found that the things I didn't expect people to buy landed me the most cash. My most lucrative sale back in 2005 was a "Dukes of Hazard" Colorform set originally purchased at a garage sale in the 80's for 50 cents. It sold on Ebay for $25! Hell of a profit margin!

I'm not expecting to make enough money off of my "junk" on Ebay to live off of, although that would definitely be pretty damn nice! I'm just facing the hard cold fact that in four weeks, I'll be out of cash, and the bills will still be sitting in my mailbox wondering how they will get paid. If you would have asked me how long I thought I could survive being unemployed financially when this whole fiasco began last April... I would have said "a couple months." But, here I am, semi-triumphantly still afloat, some nine months later. Creativity, a good sense of humor, and desperate determination have been the keys to my survival... and fuel my "damned if I'm givin' up now" attitude. For anyone else who is experiencing the "joy" of being unemployed... let me honestly say that if you don't give up, you can and will get through it!

Paranormal States

I had good intentions of going to bed early last night, but I got an unexpected phone call from my brother. He recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, and since I have become a near expert in the "field," we spent the majority of our time on the phone discussing the "do's" and "don'ts." Hopefully he will be able to escape the web of misinformation I so often found myself tangled in, and skip the feelings of hopelessness and despair that sometimes kept me up all night.

Once I finally made it to my bedroom, I stumbled upon an episode of "Paranormal State." AHHHHH! I strangely enjoy that show. I love how the episodes I watch are always on around 2 a.m., during their typical "dead time" in which the show's researchers feel paranormal activity is at its peak. I also enjoy the spooky vibe my basement door mysteriously acquires when I sneak pass it on my way to the bathroom... during commercial breaks. My personal views regarding the existence of good or evil spirits is somewhere in the middle. I'm not convinced either way. But just as a kid at summer camp enjoys a good fireside ghost story... I kind of like the spook factor watching shows like that gives me.

Staying up to watchback-to-back episodes of the show led to my own paranormal state. Just a few days ago, I was a normal person in training, and found myself almost on a normal schedule. Not only was I awake during "dead time," I had stayed up past dead time! I wonder what the time after dead time is called? Super dead time? Deadly dead time? Dead as a doornail dead time?

Needless to say, I got a later than normal start to my morning. Breakfast was more appropriately called brunch, and my energy level seemed to be lower than my thermostat. Like the ghosts in the show... I was just floating around, sometimes unnoticably. Sometimes I could see myself doing something, and sometimes I couldn't. Chances of getting things done today were fading.

But once I had gotten home, my phone started ringing off the hook. Wait? Can we say that anymore in the land of cell phones? Anyway, in a fifteen minute span, I had scheduled the move of that rental property's runner-up tenant, returned a phone call for a potential part-time job interview next Wednesday, and retrieved a message for another job I sent my resume into just a few days ago. Having to literally move forward to walk to the calender to write down my upcoming activites encouraged me to move forward on some other things; like getting my taxes done.

Getting my taxes done was a big debate. I don't have much money, so I couldn't spend a lot to get them done, but I also couldn't afford to have some bozo do them incorrectly and leave me with less of a return. Due to the fact that in about four weeks my money runs out, I also could not afford to waste time taking care of this. So I got on TurboTax and did them myself. I'm not sure that my tax preparation was bozo-proof, but I made my way through, and e-filed my returns with the direct deposit option; for less money than I spent last year to have someone else prepare them for me. Now the big question is: what do I do with the money?

My existence is pretty paranormal right now. I'm supposed to start paralegal training, but I don't yet know when. I may have a job, but it's temporary, and part-time. I have a little money, but that's about to run out. There is a slim chance that that may change, but I have no concrete information stating so. I basically have no idea what the future holds. So how do I prepare for it?

My instinct is to save it for the worse (and likely) case scenario of not having a job and not a dime in the bank. My other option would be to pay off my small, but still interest accruing, credit card debt and then bank the rest, but I may need that money! Currently, I have a few things listed on Ebay, and I plan to apply any money those sales generate to pay off my credit debt. But should I be banking that too and just continue paying the minimum payments? Not only is my own future uncertain, the future of the state I live in, as well as the entire country is uncertain! If I were a financial genius, I would have retired years ago, and none of this would be an issue!

I guess I'll just have to be patient. I've been patient, or kinda patient, for the last nine months... what's another month, six months... year? Right?

From Purr to Brrr...

Winter here will be one of, if not, THE coldest on record. As the economy falls apart and people lose their jobs, the utility costs have gone up, and the thermometer plummets down. I've managed to survive the chill of my thermostat being kept at 58 degrees by wearing multiple layers of clothing. But, what concerns me, is how well my cats are weathering the winter storms.

My poor black and white kitty, Groucho, is 15 years old, and therefore rather thin. Many a night I have found her shivering close to me and I feel quite guilty knowing that her frail body prevents her from keeping warm. So, in order to provide her comfort and warmth, I now allow her to seek shelter under my blankets. I actually tried to make her a little sweater out of an old sock today, but I wasn't quite sure that she welcomed her new "coat." She came to my lap shivering, and it appeared to be more out of fear than simply being cold, so I removed it.

My big boy, Theo, despite being quite fluffy and a little more "insulated" than my elderly cat, even finds the temperature in here to be a little on the chilly side. I catch him waiting impatiently by the vent for the rations of heat to blow over his fur. The look on his face (in the above photo) combined with the shivering of his "sister" guilted me into turning the heat up four degrees.

Having all of this snow has been rather beautiful, however, week-long bouts with temperatures in single or negative digits have made this winter more of a source of anxiety, than a source of white wonder. More like wondering how you will be able to afford your heating bill!

Creative Math

Today I made a valiant attempt to pay a shit pile of bills with the one turd I've been trying to polish for the last ten months... and let's just say, it didn't go very well. Something had to give...

So, I pondered my options.

Instantly, flashbacks of the onslaught of bailouts and Ponzi schemes flickered through my head. And that's where my solution came from. I think I'm on to something...All of this crazy economic collapse crap is a direct result of "creative math." Virtually every headline has something to do with the irresponsible use of creative math. We've got governors playing "Ebay" with Senate seats, playing "Hide and Go Seek" with unemployment... banks playing "Barbie Dream House" with bailout funds, donkeys and elephants playing "Tug of War" with Monopoly money... leaving us all stuck in a terrible game of "Clue;" so why can't I play "Fraction Subtraction" with my utility bills?

I'm not sure what happens when you only pay a fraction of your utility bills, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Fact of the matter is, I couldn't afford the entire amount due. And if "everybody else is doing it" why can't I, albeit for honest reasons? If banks, giant corporations, and government officials aren't held accountable for their expenses, then why should that one girl in that one town be? If you compare my potential financial fallout to the forementioned, I'm a taxpayer bargain! I could be bailed out for less than one cent per taxpayer...

Thrifty Thursday!

Despite a shocking sit-down with $790 worth of bills that are due by the fourth of February, and knowing I only have $485 coming in, I'm feeling a little triumphant over this economic battle I'm facing. My first "score" occurred at Walgreen's, while mother was picking up her medication. I needed to pick up some hair color, since getting my hair done was immediately cut out of the budget in April. I was hesitant to buy because I didn't have a coupon with me... but low and behold, it was on clearance! Instead of paying $15.99 one box of my standby Revlon Colorist 40 Dark Brown, I got three boxes for $20.70! That oughta cover my few (but pesty) grays for the next six months! What a bargain!

My next big win was a very thrifty, and very tasty sandwich for supper. I had one small barbequed chicken breast left over from Sunday night. I hate wasting food, and now, I can't afford to. So what to do with this little chicken breast? Make a sandwich! I found one Kaiser roll at the back of the second shelf of my very empty refrigerator that remained from my December 13th graduation party, and a slice of provolone cheese. I cut up the barbequed chicken breast, cut a slice from the onion from God-knows-when, and topped it with the provolone cheese. Zapped that little snack of a sandwich for 45 seconds... and mmmm was it good! Think of pulled pork, only more like pulled poor.

Thrifty thrill number three: (WARNING: Serious coffee drinkers might find this offensive!) pouring my 12 hour old and lukewarm coffee onto my left over ice cubes from my water for an unplanned "iced coffee" treat.

Struggling through this tumultuous economy, isn't that fun. I won't lie! But, with a little creative thinking, and adding an "I will survive" type attitude, you can do it! My only real bitch right now is that I don't have any more stamps to send out Thank-You cards in a timely fashion. I don't have enough cards, but, if I am going to claim to be an artsy gal, I've got to be happy, and comfortable making my own. It's springing for stamps that is stinging my ass. Gratitude is very important to who I am, and who I want to be, so they must be sent... just perhaps a little later than "Miss Etiquette" would like.

Miracle on Poorgirl St.

I spent eight straight hours painting at the remodel, and I am literally exhausted! Only half of the crabby newly-non-smoking team showed up today... at 2:30 in the afternoon, but I managed to get along without them just fine. The property owner showed up around 3:00 p.m. and got her first walk-through of the almost completed project. The first thing she said was, "I hope Todd didn't give you the impression that I was upset. I felt bad and kept saying to myself, 'I should have just said thank you." I assured her that I wasn't bothered by anything and that all was fine.

While she was at the unit, she and I discussed future plans. She has a couple friends with over 100 rental properties in the area that need help with property management. One of which asked for my card. I don't have an official card. I explained that I have to get a few things in order before I go forward with my own business, but she felt my plans were solid and that I would have plenty of business from her contacts alone. When I told her of my plans to pursue the paralegal training, her eyes widened and she said, "Monaaaa... that's exactly what these people need!"

Great!

Once I got home, I grabbed the mail from the box. The first item I opened was from the hospital. Due to my unemployed, and poverty level status, I, for the first time, explored options to receive assistance with my $800 hospital bill from last June. Someone had fudged my paperwork and I had to fax in proof of my current income, however, I hadn't heard back from the office for over one month. Well... today I got the great news that they have covered 100% of my bill. Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus. No, really! What a blessing!

Asking for, or actually needing help, is still very new to me, but I've come to realize that we all need help sometimes, and if I don't reach out for it, I'm going to implode in a fashion that is similar to the entire country's economic collapse! Instead of feeling guilty, or undeserving, this time I felt a pay-it-forward what-comes-around-goes-around kind of goodness. I felt that the multitude of good deeds I had done over my lifetime, the volunteering and fundraising, and just plain compassion for others, had finally come back to me. My sense of hope was reaffirmed, and my heart: warmed.

Thursday's Lowdown

The local news reported that 446 people applied Wednesday to the 10 jobs available at the packaging company. I'll be in "round two's" line tomorrow morning. So that makes at least 447 applicants. According to my calculations, that means I have a 2% chance of getting hired.

I located an ad for experienced bartenders at a renovated bar in town. The neighborhood is a little sketchy, so safety would be of concern, however, with my food & beverage industry experience, I have extraordinarily higher odds of getting hired there. I did really enjoy bartending, and in a good spot, the money is phenomenal. But, is this a "good" spot? I had sworn off ever returning to this industry... however, I NEED money!

So tonight, in order to put my best face forward, I touched up my roots. I'll be in the long, winding line of desperation for the packaging factory jobs from around 8 a.m.-noon, then driving back to town to apply for the bartending job between 3 p.m. and 4 p.m. I'd love to have some kind of encouraging news by the end of the day. Even just an interview! Something! Hope! I need hope!

Creative Minds Want to Know!

Today's economy demands creative means of survival! In an effort to find a way out of my financial hell, I have just posted two ads on Craig's List. I'm offering fitness training, and help getting one's house ready for the holidays. It's a little scary, I must admit. These days, you have no idea who's nuts and who isn't, but I'll be able to find ways to keep me safe. Hopefully, I'll get at least a handful of responses, and generate a little much-needed cash.

My mother's friend has apparently tried contacting 30 people to get her leaves cleaned up. "Why didn't someone call ME?!" I declared!

"There are a TON of leaves. You sure you'd want to do that?"

Do I WANT to? Not really. But, come on! I don't want to lose my house or my electricity either. That's the joy of life. It isn't always about what we want! You can bet your sweet patoot I'll be raking "a ton" of leaves next week!

So far, so good with the car! Hooray! That's one worry down... 35 to go!

Testy Telethon?

STILL...
UP.

Oh... Mona, Mona, Mona.

I'm pretty drained and looking a bit disheveled, but I have certainly used my time wisely. I've been on the phone with my cell phone company, mortgage company, electric company, gas company, unemployment office, the local college, my assistance case worker... all in the name of survival! I'm swallowing my pride and applying for any and all types of assistance available to me, in preparation for a long, hard, winter. And, the worse case scenario: no job, and no unemployment benefits at the beginning of frosty February.

I pray to God I don't get to that point.

I'm hoping that all of this ground work will take a bit of the edge off of the financial fear that often keeps me awake at night. Every last person I spoke with had a tone of true concern and sympathy in their voice. In the midst of menstrual hormone hell, I shockingly only choked up a couple times. However, when I spoke with my mother, I couldn't hold it back any longer, and I think I even said "fuckin'." All of this stress and frustration pressurizes at the bottled-up bottleneck, putting a definable discomfort around my heart. I don't want to cry about it... but I can't let it all just build up, either. One of these days, I will accept that it is okay to cry. Right?


This has been a powerful and painful lesson. I am FORCED to ask for help. Something I could not and would not do willingly in the past. If I do not ask for, nor accept help, I will be cowardly forfeiting all that I've worked for. Throwing in the towel on myself. A few years ago, I may have done just that.

Now? I refuse.

Holed-up. Wait a Minute!

I'm still up.

Figured I'd tackle a few financial fiascoes this morning. One being my cell phone bill, which has doubled due to text messages sent to me from Ireland. Apparently, whether I read them or not, I still get charged the 20 cents. Once I received that information, I sent an urgent plea to the Irishman to place a cease-fire on my financial well-being and chill with the text messages. I can't afford an increases in costs. Unemployment does not offer raises!

I'm now eagerly awaiting the arrival of 9 a.m. My mortgage lender office does not open until then. I need to find out why my payment is suddenly $40 more this month, and if this is a permanent increase. Again, with the bone-chilling winter snow steadily on its way, bringing with it ENORMOUS heating bills... I can NOT afford my other bills to increase as well.

In need of bird seed, yet again, I am tempted to put a plea out for a donation of wild bird seed on Craig's List. This is not a good time of year to "cut them off," as they are likely to perish in the winter without my provided sustenance. These birds sometimes go through 40 pounds of seed in seven days: approximately $70 a month! Being one that never asks for help, I'm not sure that I will go through with it, but the thought has been on my mind the last two days. I'm in the HOLE! Thankfully, not too deeply yet, but new solutions must be found immediately to prevent me from being swallowed up by it!

Random Rockin Recap

Hello boys and girls! I'm back.

Considering I'm a little anal about efficiency, I think it best to simply recap the highlights of the last couple days.

Saturday night: Spent the first part of the day in bed. Hadn't been feeling well. Coughing and sinus congestion subsided, but still had a bit of discomfort and just plain ill feeling in my stomach. Brian picked me up at 6:30 and we went to dinner in a small town about a half an hour away. "The County Seat" is a nice, yet non-pretentious restaurant in the downtown area. Lots of interesting architectural features and always an enjoyable meal. We came back to my place and he looked through some of my photographs, read my yet to be published book, and a collection of poetry I had written as far back as junior high. Brian has played guitar for about 25 years, and he has committed to assist me in learning how to play. My piano needs tuning and repair, so I can't really focus on learning that right now.

Sunday: Resting, recovering, and laziness.

Monday: Left early in the morning to clean for an elderly couple. Absolutely adorable they were! 86 and 88 years old. Married for 70 years! Took a short nap, and then got up for my guitar lesson. Brian is letting me borrow a bass and a six-string to learn on. My brief bits of musical training were very sporadic and spread out. I do have a pretty good understanding of the basics of music and the terminology, but he was getting a little complex for my first night. I am someone who learns by doing, and applying my knowledge. So all I am completely confident with tonight, is the G major chord, and the fact that my pinkie finger is going to require some serious training to play it well. I also must cut my fingernails, which thankfully, is not a big deal to me.

Not only did I get two guitars, and a free guitar lesson... he cooked me dinner too! Can't beat that!

My bills are out of control. Have no clue how I'm going to make it this next month without borrowing money. I HATE borrowing money. The desperation is growing ever stronger, and I am clumsily clinging on to the hope that "Everything will work out." It has to!

The Blessing of Believing

I made a tough decision Tuesday. I decided to invest $59 in myself. What's the big deal, you ask? The big deal is that $59 in my world right now... is keeping my electricity on... one tenth of my car insurance that I don't have money for. A much needed trip to the grocery store!

But, there was a "How To Self- Publish Your Own Book" workshop offered through the Adult Continuing Education program through K.C.C. and I wanted to take it. I have researched, to no end, the publishing world and what options best fit my budget and needs. I wanted to hear it from someone who has done it. Put the voice of experience and reason to what I have read.
So I pondered the expense, the investment, over the weekend. "What's $59 dollars in the big scheme of things?" I declared. So Tuesday afternoon, I faxed in my payment.

The workshop was scheduled today from 6-9 p.m. The instructor/author, Richard L. Baldwin, was an excellent presenter and the information was valuable. I felt it was money well-spent.
He finished his presentation early, and said that we didn't have to go, because we had paid for three hours. The rest of the "class" left. I said, "Mr. Baldwin, if you don't mind, I'd like to take the rest of the time to pick your brain." He obliged.

So I sat across from him, presented my finished book, marketing idea and vision. Not only did he agree, he presented me with my complimentary copy of his book, inscribed with "(Mona), I see much success for you. Rich Baldwin." That, in itself, kind of choked me up.

We talked further, and he said, "You have it all together. You're personable, witty, intelligent and attractive. You have a business head and a writer's head. But I sense some frustration. What is it that has you frustrated, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Money. It's the damn money! I believe in what I'm doing. I know I'm doing what I should be doing... finally. And it all feels great. I'm ready! I just can't get over that hurdle. It's the ONLY thing holding me back right now, and I'm too proud to call in favors." I said.

"I'm about to say something, and I'm putting myself at risk of offending you... but, I want you to see it as an investment. As a testament to the fact that I believe in you and I want strongly for you to keep on this path. I want to give you $40."

(Fought back tears on that one!)

"Well, Mr. Baldwin. I am aware that I have a problem with accepting gifts, so I am going to say thank you, and accept this investment, on one condition: that you allow me to acknowledge your generosity and inspiration in my first published work."

We shook on it.

I was really touched. The gift of positive encouragement is invaluable to me at this point in my journey. Somehow, a long time ago, I lost that belief in myself. Lost touch entirely with myself. What this kind man did for me will never be forgotten.
And, as he said, when we parted ways in the parking lot... "I hope our paths cross again."

Cinderella's Story...

Despite not getting into bed until 9 a.m. And rising 5 hours later... I managed to have good day.

Up all night writing random rants of love unrequited... seemed to have cleaned out some of the negative clutter in my mind. I was tired. But alive again.

It was a beautiful day outside. Sunny and warm. Opening the windows allowed the world to breathe new life into this house. Into me. I soaked up some of the warmth of the sun... watched the squirrels play, and the butterflies bouncing along the blades of grass.

And when I came inside... I began cleaning my house. Feeling attached to it again. Loving it again. I was beginning to resent it. Letting the burden of affording it while unemployed sour the joy and pride it used to fill me with. I was happy to clean it. Smiling. Sweeping up dirt from the plant that got knocked over, cleaning out the cat litter... even finding a dead mouse; made me happy.

My carpet is clean and waiting for the piano to rest it's legs on it. We are supposed to leave to pick it up between 4 and 6 p.m. I'm excited, but a little nervous. Nervous about moving the massive thing, and nervous about whether I'll actually play it. But having a piano in the house, in my sight, makes the dream of playing a little more real than just a drifting thought in my mind. It really seems meant to be. The woman who is giving it to me is single and 36. Very kind and thoughtful. A church going woman. We exchanged some emails early this morning and she thanked me for the coffee conversation. I have a feeling we will become friends. An interesting connection.

Emails. Yes, many emails. Emails from C.F. Thankfully, C.F. has left the lines of communication open. I would not have faired well if he had just shut me out completely. And as the days slowly pass I become a little more comfortable with "the end" of our brief love affair and the continued growth of our friendship. He's a special person to me. And I like to keep those special people around. Close to my heart. I hope we enjoy a long and lovely friendship.

There is already a "boy" volunteering to sit in the newly emptied spot on the roster. Someone that I initially met when I was in a serious relationship. He was an acquaintance of my ex, and someone I always found attractive. We just happened to be in the same place at the same time, and he asked for my number. When he walked away from my car he said "You look good!" Thanks! I needed that! A freshly rejected woman will never be ungrateful for a man telling her she looks good.

I'm not really feeling a need to get involved. My mind is on C.F. and I am supposed to be having a visitor from Ireland in December... so getting into any type of serious relationship right now would be silly. And as nice as "R." is... we don't know each other well enough to even get into that quite yet.

My priority is still finding a job. Got my 6 month car insurance bill today, and more bills from my June trip to the hospital. None of which I will have money for. Two weeks left of unemployment and I have to wait to file my extension. Silly red tape. As if I'm not stressed enough! Right now... I'm thinking of skipping the plan to pursue the $10,000 in free tuition and opting for the help with attaining a job. It doesn't make sense for me take more college classes. You have to pursue careers on their "high demand" list. And the only one that sincerely interests me is "Interior Designer." Unless there is a way to finish that in two years... I'm not interested at all. I'm really feeling good about pursuing my writing and artistic adventures. Feeling like it's what I'm meant to be doing. And I don't think I should waste anymore time and energy on something else. I've done that for most of my 36 years... and it didn't make me very happy.

"Find your passion. And pursue it." That is what I'm going to do...

The Rest is Fleeting

Well... I fell asleep at an almost respectable hour...12:30 a.m.
But, I woke up at 3 a.m. and have been up ever since. I made a failed attempt to go back to sleep and then watched an assortment of the odd television that is on in the wee hours, including video footage of "William" the boxing kangaroo attacking his handlers on a talk show.

Today is my bi-weekly call-in day for my unemployment check, and I have noticed that I usually don't sleep well the night before I have to call in. My time slot is 8 a.m.-9 a.m. and if I were to miss it, I have to wait until Thursday, which delays the check a week. Considering I am now strapped to the max, I can't afford to have a check come in late.

This is the first month that I will be paying my mortgage late. I've paid it early every month. The last thing I wanted to do was start paying bills late, but I had little choice this month. The $184 mystery electric bill really held my head under water. In fact, I wound up bouncing two checks during the ordeal. Another thing I didn't/don't want to do.

I applied online with a company while I was was waiting for my call-in time. They don't have any positions advertised as available... but who knows! I think after applying for a bartending job at a "tittie bar," just about anything is fair game! I'm hoping to finally meet up with C.F. this week, so I can handle one more week of not working... but after that... SOMETHING HAS TO COME MY WAY!!!!!

The holidays are coming up! Christmas presents won't be an option on my current budget. Sometimes I don't think breathing is an option on my current budget! I'm already doing everything I can to save money: dishes by hand, minimal laundry, unplugging everything I can, not eating as much, not buying groceries, not flushing the toilet for number 1's, and heating my house with space heaters sparingly. Not fun, but you gotta do what you gotta do!

Content

It's definitely fall here. The cloudy, dark, Halloweenish sky... the cool crisp air. The SLEEP! Temperatures in the low sixties must be the ticket to resting for me. I've slept like a rock the last two days. And, of course instead of simply being grateful for that... I've managed to make myself feel guilty for it.

The weather guy on the local news station says that if you aren't turning your heat on, you either have an incredibly high tolerance for cool air, or some very good insulation. Apparently he forgot us broke people! Sorry, but I'm going to just put on a hooded sweatshirt. That's FREE. And free is all I can afford right now. Hanging around in sweats doesn't make me feel very sexy, but who is here to really care anyway?

I didn't go on my shopping mission today. I wasn't feeling it. In fact I wasn't feeling much of anything. I've read about 60 pages now of John Izzo's book... and I'm content with my quietness. Something I need. And something I need to be content with. I'm happy that I am reading it now, because it is telling me what I already knew, but sometimes we have to hear the truth from someone other than ourselves to legitimize our own thoughts. Isn't that a shame?

All I have eaten today was two slices of peanut butter toast. I'm just not hungry. Is the cool air putting me into semi-hibernation mode?

I did work out, and have managed to do at least that one thing for myself each day. Things are looking good! My German "sausage arms" are becoming a little more visually friendly to my eyes. My clothes feel good on my body. And, I feel better. That's the most important thing. I am trying to make good use of my time and not let myself atrophy physically.

C.F. has turned down the heat a notch, and the Irishman has turned it up. I suppose the two equal out in a mathematical sense. I am still very fond of them both. I think they are both very great men. I have no expectations. Just enjoying the relationships as they are. Thankfully, throughout my life, I've never relied on another to feel complete... so having a bit of pleasant fun is just that. Even as I approach the big decision years, the years in which I decide to have a child or never have a child, I feel no pressure to find "the one" and get knocked up. I suppose that means that I'm content with life, even when it's pretty much turned upside down.

The Battle of Faith vs. Reality

I go to church every Sunday at midnight. With Joel Olsteen on channel 30. I almost missed "church" last night because I was, again, frantically job searching on the Internet. I was glad I caught the sermon... the timing of it could not be more applicable to me right now.

Joel's sermon, "Detoxing the Mind," was about removing the negative thoughts that keep us from our true destinations. I would not have argued with one eloquent word that he had to say.

But.

As much as I try to remain in faith and believe that by the grace of God, or some other power greater than myself, that I will get a job and my bills will be paid without extensive, complicated and creative mathematics... my reality is slapping me in the face every waking, and sleeping moment of my life!

Four weeks. I have four weeks to either find and harvest money from the mythical tree, or land a job in this crippled and mortally wounded (state name) economy. I haven't been to the grocery store in over a month and ate a ham sandwich for dinner. Nice for the waistline, but bad for the spirit.

I am fully aware that millions of people in the world have it worse than me. And, I am also fully aware that I am more than employable, and beyond ready to work. That, I haven't lost faith in...

Keeping my head above water... well... I might spend my last hundred dollars on an air tank to delay the impending doom and suffering.

I've even "lowered my standards" and applied to a less honorable position. And the reality of that is... I could care less if anyone has something to say about how I earn my money. Yes, I'm smart. Yes, I have a college degree. And, yes, I have an impressive resume. But, I also have a mortgage and a strange desire to eat something a little more savory than a ham sandwich. I also have a desire to make ends meet while I gamble on something bigger... bigger for me.

So hear I am... trapped in the middle of a bloody battle between faith and reality. Moments at which I want to scream... and moments when I want to cry. I'm a "swimmer," a "survivor" many a friend will say... but I'm also a human who has to put down the gloves once in awhile. I'm a lover, not a fighter after all... and I'm ready for the whistle to blow.

Beautiful. Bouncing. Checks.

Well... it looks like my hopes of becoming a "normal" person again and sleeping during the night are a little hopeless. However... basking in the warm glow of thoughts of a sweet, charming man... paired with the drifting scent of a vanilla candle... led me to write a lovely poem about him.

Oh, how I love pure, consuming inspiration.

On the not so romantic and beautiful side of life... I've hit a couple bumps in my checking account. My $184 electric bill tipped the balance and led to an overdraft. I'm not one who bounces checks. So I got in the car and drove to the bank in the dark of early morning to prevent that worry from interfering with my deperately needed sleep.

Four weeks left of unemployment. Money isn't stretching far enough anymore... I have to, with the help of a miracle, perhaps, find an answer to this current puzzle. Fast. Avoiding the breaking news of the troubled financial state facing the entire country... a miracle is what I have left to hope for.

Just Thursday

What a wonderfully peaceful day I have had. I finally managed to get a good night's sleep, only a good morning's sleep would be a more accurate description. I had fallen asleep at 12:30 a.m. only to awaken at 1:30 a.m. I was literally ready to cry!

Knowing that Manus would be signing on for our usual 2 a.m. chat after his shift ended at work, I decided to just stay up for a bit. We had an interesting discussion about dogs, complete with pictures I had found of each breed that I like. I love the BIG dogs... Mastiffs, Leonbergs, and Newfoundlands. He likes Wiemeraners. I find those to be beautiful creatures as well. My love for Mastiffs stems from my first encounter with a friend of my old boyfriends while we were in Aspen Colorado. When he walked into the cabin with this giant beast, my first thought when I saw the dog was, "He's either going to eat me... or love me." Not an hour later, we were down by the river playing fetch... with a log!

Earlier that night, C.F. had sent me a cute message and a photo of him... he has the dreamiest eyes and nice pink lips...

I managed to get to sleep after 5 a.m. I put my cell phone on silent to avoid people operating on the "normal" hours waking me. I don't even know how many hours I slept, but it felt damn good. All of this uncertainty and contemplation had put my mind into overdrive and left me only able to sleep a few hours at a time. So I made a point to remain unplugged for the majority of the day and just let the silence soothe me.

Of course, the first thing I did when I plugged back in was log on to see if either of my "lovers" had messaged me! No word from Manus, despite his promise that we would have a "proper chat." But, I had three messages from C.F.! A good morning, a well wish for my rested mind, and a declaration that he will use his thoughts of me to motivate him tonight. Sigh.

Another good workout added to my sense of accomplishment today. So far, my body hasn't started screaming at me. I don't know how much of a physical difference my intensified routine will make before the big trip... but I do know that exercise helps my state of mind immensely. Size wise, I'm comfortable... I'd just like to peel off this little layer of fat that is hiding my muscle tone a bit. I'd love to have lean arms! I find that to be very sexy and feminine on a woman's body. I've been cursed with German arms... sausages I call them. I'm not sure that they will ever look the way I'd like them to, but I'm not giving up yet!

I got yet another book in the mail today from my friend Cortney. "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo. When we were talking about trying to find our way and discover our true purposes she decided I must read it! I can't wait to check it out!

Tackled my bills tonight. I even paid the very questionable $184 electric bill. I'm hoping that I'll have some sort of credit on my next one. I'm going to have to pay my cell phone bill late, since I'm $7 short for that. But, thankfully no other's will be late. I typically pay them as soon as they come in the mail, but this month I just left them in a pile. A habit I don't want to get into. I can't afford to damage my credit rating! I've got to keep it as high as possible because I will have to refinance my home in 4 years, unless I manage to pay it off before then. Yeah right!

So that's the mundane rundown of my day...

Electric Avenue!

I decided to call the electric company to find out how my bill was suddenly $100 higher than it normally is. I also wanted to know how my usage was double that of my highest month ever! I'm unemployed! I'm single, and I'm also mindful of waste and its impact on the environment. That means I am watching every frickin' penny going out and I don't have every light on in the house! Adding a hundred dollars to your monthly budget, unexpectedly, is not something I'm going to do... nor just accept as fact! So, I called.

Immediately, I was greeted by a recording that said they were only taking calls for emergencies at this time. Oh, bullshit you are! I decided to let it play out. They must have been counting on people hanging up, because it then listed my "normal" options in the automated menu.

I press "5," blah, blah blah...

Press "6," blah blah blah...

"All of our customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers. All calls will be answered in the order in which they are received. Your approximate wait time is 7 minutes."

Yeah, I'll wait 7 minutes to find out why you're raping me for a hundred bucks!

2:58 in... "All of our customer service representatives...."

You said that already.

Finally, I get "Carrie" on the phone. "Hi, Carrie, I was wondering if you could help me understand my bill. My highest usage ever was 596 kwh. My bill for this month, shows 1059 kwh. AND, it's $100 more than usual!"

"Yeah, that seems high. Let me grab a high bill." She puts me on hold.

What?

A ringing sound begins, followed by the beloved recording that I now know by heart and have begun translating in 3 different languages, "All of our customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers. All calls will be answered in the order in which they are received."

11:00 minutes have passed.

"Thank you for calling ____. This is Thelma. How may I help you?"

"Hi Thelma. I'm concerned as to why my bill is so high. I was wondering if you would help me understand what is going on."

"What is your account number?"

There are numbers all over this thing! I'm looking at the top, expecting to find it there... "I'm not locating it."

"It is at the top, in the green box."

There isn't a green box anywhere on my bill! But, I manage to find it and read it to her. She repeats it back to me. Then... she puts me on hold.

17:00 minutes and counting...

She's back. Apologizes for the system running slowly. We go over the numbers. She asks me to go outside and read the meter. Reads off the numbers to verify that it is the correct meter. It appears to be working.

Upon further investigation, she directs my attention to my May-June bill that was $6. (My bills are normally $35.) I retrieve the bill from my files.

"This shows as estimated. Why would they estimate my bill at 1 kwh?"

"They were changing account numbers and estimated everyone's bills at 1 to get the numbers in the system so they couldn't get readings that month."

Really?! The meter numbers didn't change. Why can't you take readings!?

"Still... that's an awfully high bill. You're telling me that it was double my normal bill for two months in a row?"

"Also, rates went up in June, so your bill will be higher."

AH-HA!!!!!! You communist corporate sodomists!

"Oh! So what they did, was estimated everyone's May-June bill at 1, so they could charge them the June HIGHER RATE for the month of May!! That's what they did!"

She begins to back-pedal.

"You can't tell me that they would estimate everyone at 1 kwh to 'change account numbers' and not have that income and profits come in for an entire month. They are trying to profit off us by charging us the higher rate they new was going to occur!"

26:23 "Let me talk to accounting."

27:54 It's the famous recording again. I'm now singing it backwards in Polish, while doing cartwheels.

32:48 Thelma tells me she's notified accounting. "Well what happens now," I ask. "You'll get a correction on your bill." Thelma tells me. I get the impression Thelma is now uncomfortable... "Thank you, Thelma."

What kind of malarkey is this!?!??!!? A giant corporate entity cannot tell me that this wasn't a calculated move. Were they counting on my stupidity? Not being able to spend 33 minutes to get to the bottom of this? Screw that!!!! Fuck that!!!! I'll tell you what I WON'T do! I won't let corporate America screw the little people just trying to survive!!!

So... I sent a news tip to the local news station...