Behind... Behind!

Yowza! It's been quite some time since I've verbally harassed the world wide web. I'd apologize... but I suspect some of you out there are rather grateful for the resulting silence! I'm so behind... that I'm even behind on my behind! Maintenance of it, that is. In essence of time, and celebration of laziness, I have decided to use bullets to update you on the goings-on of Mona:

• I chose to celebrate the 4th by cooking dinner for my mother (she had to work) and lighting off lame grocery store fireworks that offered more laughter than explosive delight.
• In case you didn't know... yeah, I'm single again.
• I had a birthday. The big 3-8. And, for the first time in a very long time, I actually enjoyed my birthday.
• My job is still going well, however, if grant funding does not come through in September... it's back to the unemployment lines!
• "Act Like A Lady. Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey was given to me as a gift from my boss. I think they want me to find a husband more than I do!
• The elderly man I care for has been declining in health.
• An article I wrote for our organization was published in a local magazine.
• My personal laptop had an unfortunate meeting with a glass of ice water, courtesy of my dementia-riddled cat.
• The loaner laptop I have has a chronic illness of some sort (hence the lack of blogging).
• I'm doing another remodel, and decided that it would be a good time to scrape and repaint my garage. NOT!
• My immediate family and I are becoming closer since my brother moved back.
• This is the first year of my life that I can remember my father wishing me a Happy Birthday.

Basically... I'm at a crossroads. There are many things before me, and I'm trying to decide where to direct my energies. It's a good thing. Just too difficult to express in one blog after a twelve hour work day while watching "America's Got Talent" on tv. In fact, I almost considered starting an entirely new blog with a slightly different focus, but my computer problems are preventing me from doing much of anything that involves the internet reliably.

So once I've caught up with my behind... I'll try to provide a more ass-tronomically profound blog. Stay tuned.

Serendipitous Coincidence

Life has a funny way of telling us the things we really want to know, quietly sending us the answers to questions our human minds find impossible. After waking up Saturday morning with my mind full of wonder, jaw sore from anxiety-driven teeth grinding... the answers slowly came to me.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time alone, and had an unplanned dinner with my mother, brother, aunt and cousin.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time at home, until I picked mulberries with my neighbor, watched the groundhogs play, witnessed two baby doves learn how to fly, fixed my fountain bird bath that I had written off as broken, gave a neighbor I had never met before free tickets to a ball game, and helped my brother mulch my mother's yard.

I felt, perhaps, that I wasn't living up to my potential, then I finished reading the book, "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell.

I was feeling like the meaningful things in life seem to be lost in the rush of attainment and status... wondering if I was fooling myself with a false contentment in my non-material world; and I watched the movie "Seven Pounds."

I picked fresh blackberries from the vine. Planted flowers. Danced with the wind and sun for an entire Sunday afternoon. Profound? No. But somehow, these simple occurrences settled my mind. I feel a great sense of calm and contentment. I might not be able to provide a detailed map of where I'm going... or an elaborate agenda of what I'm doing... but I know that it's right.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Change is on the horizon here in the good ol' USA! What a great feeling it was to vote today. To know that good things may begin to happen again here.

Mother and I went to vote in the early afternoon. We were there during a "slow" time and did not face much of a line. After placing our votes, we put on our "I Voted" stickers and went on about our way.

First stop: library. I picked up two guitar books, "The 'First Stage' Guitar Book" by Chris Lopez and "All About Guitar" by Tom Kolb; as well as "Piano for Dummies." My first "dummy" book. Having never considered myself a "dummy" I have not utilized any books from the series.

Second stop: Taco Bell for the free "I Voted" tacos. Too bad they weren't the taco vendor that was offering them. It was "Bob's Taco" in a neighboring town. Very well...

Third stop: Starbucks. Now Starbucks WAS offering a free large coffee to all of the voters. Why not? What can you really get for free these days? And hey, I'm a little strapped right now!

Once I arrived back home, I preheated the oven and began doctoring my Freschetta Supreme Pizza. I added seasoned ground beef, extra yellow onion, extra sauce, and feta cheese... delicious! I ate four slices! I hadn't eaten the entire day, in my defense.

"Textman" had come over. He looked great! Had a nice closely trimmed beard with a few splashes of grey. I'm usually not that fond of facial hair, but it highlighted his bone structure, which is quite lovely to me. He had been "out with the boys" and proclaimed himself to be a bit tipsy. Textman is easy to get along with, and pretty easy on the eyes, but, having him here made it clear to me how much C.F. still lingers in my mind. C.F. and I truly connected. Something that hasn't occurred in quite some time. It's not that I can't live without him, or that I fear I'll never have that again... C.F. reminded me how wonderful it feels when you really make that connection.

As Textman made a very valiant attempt at Hollywood-worthy lovemaking, I found myself feeling like a man. Once I had "reached my destiny," I wanted him to go. However, he wasn't finished. I thought it would never end! I found myself wishing I had a timer on the nightstand and a list of rules. I decided I would "graciously" allow a man 10 minutes after my orgasm to reach his. If the timer goes off and he isn't done... tough. Time to put on the pants and show yourself out.

The bed was squeaking. Obviously, I don't have sex often, or that damned bed would be lit afire! I could hardly take it! Did this not drive him nuts? Stop! I just wanted the squeaking and the source of the squeaking to stop!

Textman and I have "hooked up" a few times over the last seven months. He has always drifted off for about 20 minutes and then quickly departed. Not only did he overstay his 20 minutes... he was SNORING! I laid there thinking of C.F. snoring, and how charming I thought it was. This was not charming to me. If not a testament to the power of a connection, this was at least testament to my state of mind.

Finally, he got up! He quietly grabbed his clothes and left the room. I pretended to be sleeping, hiding my glee that the snoring man beast was going to be gone soon. Then he came back into the room, kissed me, told me not to get out of bed, and to call him tomorrow? WHAT? Normally, that would be a good thing, but after realizing that I still have a strong desire for true love, I don't think pursuing him is something I want to do.

I've learned a lesson. I am not a "hook up" girl. As much as I long for a steady and satisfying sex life, I truly want "the one." I'm glad I "did it." My brave encounter really put things into perspective for me.

I had to call the auto repair shop again myself. Third call with not one call back. Not the best customer service. They aren't sure if they have the part they need, so I won't know how soon my car will be fixed of its ailments. Ugh.

Tomorrow I meet with the unemployment rep. I'm really hoping she will have some encouraging news. Later in the evening I plan to attend a free training seminar about sitting on a non-profit board. Can't hurt my resume, and it's FREE. Ideally, I'd like to be employed by a non-profit organization and become a more active citizen in my community. So this is a step in the right direction.

Lots of changes in the air. Let's hope they are all good ones!

Content

It's definitely fall here. The cloudy, dark, Halloweenish sky... the cool crisp air. The SLEEP! Temperatures in the low sixties must be the ticket to resting for me. I've slept like a rock the last two days. And, of course instead of simply being grateful for that... I've managed to make myself feel guilty for it.

The weather guy on the local news station says that if you aren't turning your heat on, you either have an incredibly high tolerance for cool air, or some very good insulation. Apparently he forgot us broke people! Sorry, but I'm going to just put on a hooded sweatshirt. That's FREE. And free is all I can afford right now. Hanging around in sweats doesn't make me feel very sexy, but who is here to really care anyway?

I didn't go on my shopping mission today. I wasn't feeling it. In fact I wasn't feeling much of anything. I've read about 60 pages now of John Izzo's book... and I'm content with my quietness. Something I need. And something I need to be content with. I'm happy that I am reading it now, because it is telling me what I already knew, but sometimes we have to hear the truth from someone other than ourselves to legitimize our own thoughts. Isn't that a shame?

All I have eaten today was two slices of peanut butter toast. I'm just not hungry. Is the cool air putting me into semi-hibernation mode?

I did work out, and have managed to do at least that one thing for myself each day. Things are looking good! My German "sausage arms" are becoming a little more visually friendly to my eyes. My clothes feel good on my body. And, I feel better. That's the most important thing. I am trying to make good use of my time and not let myself atrophy physically.

C.F. has turned down the heat a notch, and the Irishman has turned it up. I suppose the two equal out in a mathematical sense. I am still very fond of them both. I think they are both very great men. I have no expectations. Just enjoying the relationships as they are. Thankfully, throughout my life, I've never relied on another to feel complete... so having a bit of pleasant fun is just that. Even as I approach the big decision years, the years in which I decide to have a child or never have a child, I feel no pressure to find "the one" and get knocked up. I suppose that means that I'm content with life, even when it's pretty much turned upside down.

The Support You Need, and Support You Don't

What an odd day I have had. The weather has turned cold and dreary... the kind of weather that puts you to sleep like a chloroform laced cloth. I had many weird dreams and at times felt that awakening was out of my control.

Once I finally pulled myself away from the grips of my down comforter, I went straight to the computer and fired up the job sites. I always check http://www.indeed.com/ first, as it usually has the most postings. And there were many postings... all in health care. Every last one. If I could find a magic wand, I would magically turn myself into an RN that wasn't afraid of needles. Hell, if I had a magic wand... I wouldn't need to search for a job!

I had set my cell phone to silent. Something I have had to do to protect my chances of getting an uninterrupted night of rest. Mother had left a message saying she wanted to go shopping. She doesn't really want to go shopping. She wants me to get out of the house. So, I worked out, showered and called her back.

After I got out of the shower, I glanced out the door and saw some bags on my front step. I figured mother had stopped by, but wondered why she wouldn't have come inside. So I opened the door and brought them in. Someone had brought me three small bags of groceries. All non-perishables: canned goods, sauces, oatmeal and popcorn. I could have balled like a baby. The feelings were mixed. I was coming to terms with the fact that I needed help and that someone knew it. I've never been good at asking for help, and I never thought I would need help sustaining my life. At least not since the old days of college. I suspect it was my friend Alicia, as I had spoken to her the night before and made light of the fact that I had eaten my last can of soup and was eating a ham sandwich for dinner. I don't even like sandwiches that much, but I choked it down. Poor people in Africa probably get sick of that porridge looking stuff, but they eat it.

I got myself together. Fought a few boughts with tears and went to my affordable standby department store, and could not find a single thing! Not a one! I usually leave that store with bulging bags and a $200 or more dent in my wallet. I couldn't even find a bra! What is the deal with these manufacturers thinking we want a three- inch- thick clump of mystery stuffing to shove our nipples up underneath our nostrils? Every bra that didn't remind me of my grandmother was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey! My "girls" don't really need any support. I just want a bra that looks cute and is comfortable. I'm happy with what I have and do not wish to have cleavage spewing over top my neckline.

No underwear either. Now that shouldn't be hard to find... but I had no luck.

So, I went to another store. One that is typically more expensive, but I was on a mission. Unfortunately so was a young couple with two screaming toddlers and another little devil on the way! I could hardly focus in the dressing room. Hearing children scream while you are trying to find something that might turn a man on kind of ruins the whole experience! So, I wound up with a black and white V-neck striped shirt that I LOVE, a skirt that is hot, and a sweater I'm sure I'll take back. They were closing, turning the lights off on me... so I gave up and called it a night.

Still not sold on what I will wear for my big out- of- state outing on Friday. Damn it! I'm thinking that I might just go casual chic and wear the striped V-neck, jeans, some tall black heeled boots, a rocker-inspired jacket and a cool bag. So, I'm headed out, once again, tomorrow to hopefully find a nice pair of boots, the jacket, bag, and some cute underthings. My undergarments are nearing the end of there lives!

So I'm home. Finally fixed my computer. At least I have managed to make it work properly. I have no idea what was wrong, nor do I even attempt to call myself some kind of expert on these things. Thank God it worked, because this computer has become my saving grace! It allows me to cling on to some sort of purpose by writing and also gives me the opportunity to search and research jobs.

I've settled into bed with the book my friend sent, "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo. I'm approximately 40 pages in and it's a good read. Very timely. Cortney had written something lovely on the inside cover: "I hope you enjoy this book as much as I have. Remember to keep believing in yourself as you continue to discover your true happiness. You are right where you are supposed to be." So sweet. Teared me up when I read it.

Wow. I sound unstable! (Laughing)

I'm going back to my book... and hoping that tomorrow is a most wonderful day.

Just Thursday

What a wonderfully peaceful day I have had. I finally managed to get a good night's sleep, only a good morning's sleep would be a more accurate description. I had fallen asleep at 12:30 a.m. only to awaken at 1:30 a.m. I was literally ready to cry!

Knowing that Manus would be signing on for our usual 2 a.m. chat after his shift ended at work, I decided to just stay up for a bit. We had an interesting discussion about dogs, complete with pictures I had found of each breed that I like. I love the BIG dogs... Mastiffs, Leonbergs, and Newfoundlands. He likes Wiemeraners. I find those to be beautiful creatures as well. My love for Mastiffs stems from my first encounter with a friend of my old boyfriends while we were in Aspen Colorado. When he walked into the cabin with this giant beast, my first thought when I saw the dog was, "He's either going to eat me... or love me." Not an hour later, we were down by the river playing fetch... with a log!

Earlier that night, C.F. had sent me a cute message and a photo of him... he has the dreamiest eyes and nice pink lips...

I managed to get to sleep after 5 a.m. I put my cell phone on silent to avoid people operating on the "normal" hours waking me. I don't even know how many hours I slept, but it felt damn good. All of this uncertainty and contemplation had put my mind into overdrive and left me only able to sleep a few hours at a time. So I made a point to remain unplugged for the majority of the day and just let the silence soothe me.

Of course, the first thing I did when I plugged back in was log on to see if either of my "lovers" had messaged me! No word from Manus, despite his promise that we would have a "proper chat." But, I had three messages from C.F.! A good morning, a well wish for my rested mind, and a declaration that he will use his thoughts of me to motivate him tonight. Sigh.

Another good workout added to my sense of accomplishment today. So far, my body hasn't started screaming at me. I don't know how much of a physical difference my intensified routine will make before the big trip... but I do know that exercise helps my state of mind immensely. Size wise, I'm comfortable... I'd just like to peel off this little layer of fat that is hiding my muscle tone a bit. I'd love to have lean arms! I find that to be very sexy and feminine on a woman's body. I've been cursed with German arms... sausages I call them. I'm not sure that they will ever look the way I'd like them to, but I'm not giving up yet!

I got yet another book in the mail today from my friend Cortney. "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo. When we were talking about trying to find our way and discover our true purposes she decided I must read it! I can't wait to check it out!

Tackled my bills tonight. I even paid the very questionable $184 electric bill. I'm hoping that I'll have some sort of credit on my next one. I'm going to have to pay my cell phone bill late, since I'm $7 short for that. But, thankfully no other's will be late. I typically pay them as soon as they come in the mail, but this month I just left them in a pile. A habit I don't want to get into. I can't afford to damage my credit rating! I've got to keep it as high as possible because I will have to refinance my home in 4 years, unless I manage to pay it off before then. Yeah right!

So that's the mundane rundown of my day...