Just Do It?

"Just Do It."

Most of us familiarize that phrase with Nike ads geared toward the athletic, coined in commercials featuring muscular bodies with sweat that somehow appears sexy, performing feats such as running up steep inclines or pole vaulting a bazillion feet in the air. Me? My face turns red before I begin to sweat, and I couldn't tell you confidently that I have ever felt sexy while sweating. I also couldn't tell you that I've pole vaulted recently, nor ran anywhere... except maybe the bathroom when I had a touch of food poisoning a few months ago.

My work and life schedules collided, leaving my lofty plans of transforming into a 5K runner terribly off-track. You see, I'm in charge of a community-wide event that involves three days of athletics. Last year, over 4,000 people participated. For the past two months I have been actively recruiting people to join our cause and commit to at least one event. Originally, I had opted to join the 3 man golf scramble team, and shoot for the moon (or an emergency hospital visit) by running my first ever 5K. But somewhere between painting two residences simultaneously, and a cake-eating marathon over my birthday... the only thing that was running was time, and it was running out!

So here it is, three weeks before the commencement of the events, and I've managed a meager two consecutive 30 minute workouts. I googled "how long does it take to train for a 5K" and found a website that had an article titled something like "From the Couch to 5K." Really? How did they know I was on the couch earlier, longing for a nap? According to the article, in a mere 9 weeks, if you follow their training schedule, you'll be a successful 5K runner. Great! Too bad I only have three!

Refusing to give up too easily, I decided that instead of focusing on the six weeks I was lacking, I would focus on the time that I do have. After cheer leading over 40 people for two months, it was time to root myself on. I may not have a religious, or rigorous, exercise plan, but I have stayed in reasonably good, and sometimes even great, shape the majority of my life. Worst case scenario, I'll run the One Mile, and I'll still be able to claim it to be my very first official running event. An achievement.

Wasn't I just saying I felt I was missing something?

I've roped my brother, and a good friend into a gym date tomorrow after work. My gym clothes are ready. And so am I.

I think...

On the Table...

That's where my breakfast was today, instead of my lap! I also forced myself to work out, despite getting a minute amount of sleep. I'm not sure that it's normal to yawn throughout your entire aerobic workout, but I did, and I've never been sure that I am "normal."

I'm off to work. This morning will be my first day reporting to duty with a completed project for the director. It wasn't very complicated, but being able to produce something tangible gets me one small step closer to proving I'm an asset to the organization, and negotiating my worth. So far, this job seems like the right fit for me... I just need to convince them to keep me on board between now and April. I haven't worked a part-time job in years, and never have worked a temporary position, but easing back into the "Land of the Working People" seems a much smoother transition from "Nothingville."

It will be a short day. Three hours to perform, and then I'm off to craft dirt in the ceramic studio. I've got three finished pieces that will be waiting for me to judge their beauty, or lack of! My grandmother already placed an "order" for one of my plates, offering to pay for my time and materials... but I'm thinking she deserves a freebee.

Off to the hairdryer with me...

Just Another Manic Monday

What a Monday! Most people hate Mondays. I personally have never been one to discriminate... and usually love (or hate) all days equally. But, this Monday has been fantastic!

I felt well rested when I woke up.

I had time for a workout, breakfast and coffee before I left.

I miraculously missed hitting a cute little grey squirrel and didn't get whiplash from the sudden slamming of the brakes.

Two of my ceramics pieces turned out fucking amazing!

My remaining tax documents arrived in the mail.

I got a message about a potential job!

Met my goal of 500 or higher in Scrabble! (Yes, I am fully aware that I am a nerd.)

Two people are already watching an item I have listed on Ebay.

And... I'm not starving to death, freezing to death (although without 3 layers of clothes I would be), dying, or being foreclosed on, and I have some absolutely fabulous friends. (Thanks friends!)

Off to a Good Start!

2009 is off to a good start!

I was lounging around in my seriously non-sexy survival sweats watching "The Forgotten" when my last remodel "client" called. She wanted me to meet up with her and a potential tenant to show the property in a half an hour! I quickly transformed from financially-challenged hermit, into casual-chic property manager and headed out the door.

As I pulled up, the potential tenant was already leaving. Apparently the unit didn't suit her. My client and I then discussed remodelling plans for the vacant unit. This unit is getting a more intense overhaul then the last... and am I ever excited! My client is excited! Off to Lowe's we went. I selected paint colors, tile, hardware and fixtures; spending a brief amount of time daydreaming about some glass tile that would look fabulous in my own kitchen and bathroom.

After hauling all of the materials into the unit, I returned home and began creating property assessment, general information, and security deposit forms. Our goal is to provide tenants with a "welcome packet" to make their stay more enjoyable and increase the longevity of their residency. With the troubled economy, finding and keeping tenants is a challenge. This challenge has become my challenge, as the client has asked me to take on some "property management" responsibilities. Considering property renovation and management is a business I had hoped to jump-start last year, this is a fabulous opportunity!

Dreams

I just wanted to write a quick note to all of you lovely people.

In twelve hours I will be attending my FIRST college graduation... at the age of 37. I started college at 18! However, a lot of life, and a little silliness interrupted my coursework through the years, so my four year plan turned into an eighteen year plan.

No matter what life threw at me, I had always wanted to finish, and I NEVER thought this day would come. But here it is, and I'm finally feeling like I've done something. I have fulfilled a dream.

My message: never give up, and never forget. Things may not go the way you have planned them to, but you may always pick up where you left off. Sometimes I think we live in a world full of distractions... always pulling us in so many different directions that we easily forget which path we were on. Don't forget to honor who YOU are and what YOU truly want to do with your life. We only get one chance.

Thank you for your friendship and support.

Uncomfortably Numb

My graduation commencement is this Saturday. Some 18 years after I originally began college, many "breaks" (some legitimate, some not), and a lot of struggle, I managed to finally finish what I started.

And it has taught me something, I kind of already knew. I don't know how to feel special, or celebrated.

I crave attention, just like anyone else does, but something about an event intended solely to celebrate your own accomplishments, seems selfish to me. I don't see anything wrong with it when it is someone else. In fact, I LOVE to throw parties for other people. I love to make other people feel special. So why do I feel I don't deserve this? Is it that?

Throughout my life, I have had an inner fear of failure. A nagging feeling of not being good enough, or not living up to my true potential. And even though I don't feel I have been truly successful yet, I have achieved many things, often with the odds highly stacked against me. But, instead of immersing myself in a sense of satisfaction or pride... I feel nothing! I literally feel nothing when I think of my graduation! What the hell?

I know that part of my numbness is my personal belief that a college education does not completely validate a person's intelligence level, nor guarantee their future success. Many brilliant and successful people, in fact, some of the most successful people, did not finish high school. And despite my mild insecurity, I've never felt the need to say "I have a degree in such and such, and I've hung out with this famous person and that famous person, as well as having a bazillion dollars in the bank." Bazillion dollars? Ha! Try thirty-five!

Another contributing factor to my apathy is my personal unfamiliarity with celebration. The only parties I recall are two childhood birthday parties, my 21st birthday party (ouch), and being named employee of the year... but that was at the company Christmas party, so it wasn't "all about me." My family and friends are sprawled across the country, and the business of life has always gotten in the way for other "special" events. I'm not used to a fuss!

Lastly, giving things feels great to me. Receiving them: weird. Really! Now I certainly appreciate a present or some cash... but it does feel weird! I get all nervous, wondering if I showed enough gratitude, if I said "thank you" with enough conviction.

Yeah. I'm a mess. An educated mess, but still a mess. And that's okay! One thing I have learned in my "old age" is that everyone has their own quirks, issues, and struggles. I sure as hell wasted a lot of time beating myself up for a lot of things that just make me "me." And I'm really hoping to learn how to truly love myself before I croak. I'm getting there. I really am. Maybe I have a fear of failing at being me!

The Latest...

So... I've been kind of busy, and of course, kind of lazy. Luckily for you, this means less incoherent babbling to sift through!

Despite feeling my apparently anxiety-fueled chest pains, and a bit of depression Friday night, I decided to stick to my plans to meet up with a friend on Saturday. I wasn't sure that I was physically or emotionally up to it, but we actually had a great time, and I was glad to have gotten out of my house!

Saturday: Chit-chat. Dinner at the Japanese restaurant... including "Monkey Balls!"

Sunday: Chit-chat. Shot photographs at the local park... until my batteries crapped out on me!

Monday: Researched graduation info. Errands with my friend, including a great sweater purchase! Ruby Tuesday's for breakfast/lunch/dinner... "brenchinner.*" Barnes and Noble for Pumpkin Spice Lattes and book grazing. Home. Scrabble Games. Two chapters in Microsoft Office 2007.

Also... I'm trying to plan for my graduation on Saturday. They limit your tickets and I need TWO more. I'm hoping to get them, because if I don't, I will have to tell my aunt and uncle that they can't come. The sad thing is, I have zero emotion about it really. Maybe that will change, but right now, graduation seems like an avoidable pain in the ass to me! My cap is too small, I don't have enough tickets, basically have to plan my own party, and the weather is supposed to be awful. WooHooooooo!??!?!?!?

Open for Business

Good morning, readers!

I'm writing to you from my new office! After pulling another all-nighter... I have successfully moved my office from the upstairs room to a much more convenient downstairs location. Instead of hauling my mail and personal affairs upstairs, carrying my laptop up the stairs to print, and looking directly across to the neighbors house... I now have a pleasant nature-friendly view to the backyard, and a stair-free (read FALL-free) journey to the printer! This space already feels inspirational for writing, work, and organization. And, if I were ever fortunate enough to have a booming business, there is an exterior door, which according to my probably out-dated real estate knowledge, is necessary to do certain business out of your home.

My upstairs is now that much closer to being guest friendly. In my former office, I now have two wing back chairs, ready for someone to enjoy a good book. The front bedroom is still waiting for a bed. Actually, it's waiting for everything! I tried to get a bed on-the-cheap at a summer auction, but was outbid by some furniture dealers. The stairway is rather precarious and narrow, so two twin beds, or maybe a full would be the best choice for ease of moving.

Perhaps this overnight mayhem of taking down and rehanging shelving units, moving my desk, chair, printer, and overflowing office supplies occurred because I'm going to be too busy working soon! Let's hope!

My alarm just went off... hilarious. Sorry, Mr. Alarm Clock. I won't be needing your services this morning.

Give Ya One Guess!

One guess. Who is STILL up?!

As Sarah Palin would say, "You betchya!"

Yep. You got it! Mona is still up. I finally gave up on sleep at 6:13 a.m. and got out of bed. I put on shoes and a jacket, and fed the birds in the dark. There is a thin blanket of frost on the feeders and the grass, so yes, it's pretty frickin' cold this morning before sunrise. After I came in, I did the dishes, made some coffee, practiced guitar... and successfully played my C chord!!! Put away some things my mother had brought over, and here I am. Driving you crazy with my craziness!

My big plan (yes I do have those sometimes) is to hopefully stay awake the majority of the day. Pull the proverbial "all-nighter." I'm hoping that I'll then fall asleep sometime around 11 p.m. tonight, and not wake until 7 a.m. Thus, beginning my journey back to Normalville...

Random Rockin Recap

Hello boys and girls! I'm back.

Considering I'm a little anal about efficiency, I think it best to simply recap the highlights of the last couple days.

Saturday night: Spent the first part of the day in bed. Hadn't been feeling well. Coughing and sinus congestion subsided, but still had a bit of discomfort and just plain ill feeling in my stomach. Brian picked me up at 6:30 and we went to dinner in a small town about a half an hour away. "The County Seat" is a nice, yet non-pretentious restaurant in the downtown area. Lots of interesting architectural features and always an enjoyable meal. We came back to my place and he looked through some of my photographs, read my yet to be published book, and a collection of poetry I had written as far back as junior high. Brian has played guitar for about 25 years, and he has committed to assist me in learning how to play. My piano needs tuning and repair, so I can't really focus on learning that right now.

Sunday: Resting, recovering, and laziness.

Monday: Left early in the morning to clean for an elderly couple. Absolutely adorable they were! 86 and 88 years old. Married for 70 years! Took a short nap, and then got up for my guitar lesson. Brian is letting me borrow a bass and a six-string to learn on. My brief bits of musical training were very sporadic and spread out. I do have a pretty good understanding of the basics of music and the terminology, but he was getting a little complex for my first night. I am someone who learns by doing, and applying my knowledge. So all I am completely confident with tonight, is the G major chord, and the fact that my pinkie finger is going to require some serious training to play it well. I also must cut my fingernails, which thankfully, is not a big deal to me.

Not only did I get two guitars, and a free guitar lesson... he cooked me dinner too! Can't beat that!

My bills are out of control. Have no clue how I'm going to make it this next month without borrowing money. I HATE borrowing money. The desperation is growing ever stronger, and I am clumsily clinging on to the hope that "Everything will work out." It has to!

The Empty Chair...

I have sat here... in this same... old... hard... cold...

uncomforting, uncomfortable chair... for twelve hours. Half a day. A lifetime. Lifetime of feelings. Conversations. Words. Said. And unspoken...

And

I

Am...

Mourning. Frustrated. Sad. Hopeful. Desperate. Needy. Full. Empty...

All at once. And...

All

Alone.

In this empty chair...

My Watched Pot is Always Boiling!

I managed to do it. I've picked myself up off the ground... a bit. I'm not sure that I have a firm footing, but I'm certainly not as low as I was Saturday and Sunday. Progress. Progress.

How did I manage? An emergency visit from a therapist?

Well... every time I found myself forcing too many thoughts or pressures on my brain... I reminded myself to focus on what I was doing and let go of the rest. Sounds simple, right? For some reason, it isn't for me. For example: once I had decided to work out, I kept watching the clock and began to boil water for the spaghetti I was going to fix. I had tried to light the stove with no luck. Oh yeah, I unplugged it to retaliate against the electric company. Plug in the stove, begin boiling water. Get back to jumping and flapping around the house. Wait! If I boil water now, I'll over cook the spaghetti while I'm in the shower. If I get in the shower after I finish my thirty minutes of self-inflicted physical abuse, I'll miss the six o'clock news. Fine. I'll miss the news. Makes no sense to have the water boiling now. Turn off the stove. I live alone, and have nothing else to worry about for heaven's sake. What is the problem here?

Anyway. I managed to take a relaxing shower to the soundtrack of the Chill Channel on Sirius satellite radio. Instead of rushing into the kitchen to the damned pot of water... I reminded myself... of myself. I needed lotion! My skin had become dry and weary. It's the largest organ of our human bodies, and, the container of the mess that is me. I think it's time to pay attention to it.

The exercise, despite the pulled groin, and shower, despite the fear of a water bill I might not be able to pay, got me moving in the right direction. Followed by a home cooked batch of spaghetti I decided I was worth the effort of making... and I'm feeling better. Added bonus: a phone call from my friend Alicia.

I had done something I swore I would never do. I had left Alicia a message asking her for advice or assistance in nailing a job at the non-profit she herself had just gotten hired into. I had done the ground work. Customized the resume (on the fancy paper) and cover letter (again on the fancy paper), put them in the fancy envelope and delivered it in person. I didn't want to stoop to soliciting help getting a job... but desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, from what I know... in the non-profit sector... they tend to stick to those who are connected. I apologized to her for asking her to pull some strings, and she thought nothing of it. "Anyone would be blessed to have you on their team. If I had a company of my own, you'd be the first person I would hire." Ohhhh if I had a job for every time I have heard that! Alicia had sent an email to a contact she had shared coffee with, the only contact she had direct information for.

Alicia's ego stroke and listening ear helped me rise a bit higher. I actually expressed my feelings of despair and looming desperation outloud. Yes, my voice was quivery... and yes, I hate that. But, I needed to talk about it. She's been in my shoes... for very different reasons, but she may know struggle more intimately than any of my friends. Because of that, I respect her thoughts, even if I don't agree with them all of the time. I've once again been reminded of the power of friendship. And for that, I'm grateful.

Brain vs. Body

"Hello, Body, how have you been?"

"Well, I've had better days. My Brain has kept me holed up in the house and fed me nothing but brownies or chips and queso. However, I have become more 'well-rounded' as a result."

"Really? That's terrible. Perhaps you would enjoy a little exercise?"

"Perhaps! That 'Brain' has been acting up again. So stubborn and melancholy lately!"

So the great "Brain" decides to talk the body into exercising. Body seems thrilled. Brain does too. Eight minutes later, Body has a pulled groin. Body is "yelling" at Brain. Brain ignores Body and keeps making Body move around.

Brain feels better. Body, though sore, feels strangely rejuvenated.

In a display of gratitude, Brain takes Body for a dimly-lit, much needed, and warm shower as a slight breeze flirts with the shower curtain.

Body forgives Brain.

100 Crazy-Plastered-Drunk Friends, 10 Kegs and a Donkey

Fuck Yeah!!!!!! I did it! I did it... I DID IT!!! (Sorry to get all "Dora the Explorer" on you) I made it! I finished my last day of my last class! My project was a hit! Everyone that read it laughed out loud. One review, from stellar stoner-student Scott (who always came to class with bloodshot eyes and a bag of honey mustard pretzels), consisted of "That's fuckin' hilarious!" Thank you Scott! I worked my ass off on that thing and hilarious was indeed the goal. I was pumped! Kinko's got me in and out of there fast, I got my copy to the instructor, and had the opportunity to tell her that she is absolutely one hell of a professor.

On my way home, I felt kind of sad. Like I should have had a picture to capture my last-day-face. I felt like tooting the car horn incessantly and screaming out the windows! Waving goodbye like a flappy-armed Grandma... but I didn't. I just quietly took it all in.

Once I got into town, I could see a huge fireworks display, coming from the ballpark by my house. Smiling, I decided that was all a big show, just for me, to celebrate my completion of a very long and arduous journey. Although, I would definitely welcome some circus clowns, a funky band, 100 crazy-plastered-drunk friends, 10 kegs and a donkey! But, I'm not 21, and I quit drinking. Fuck!

p.s. I'm going to be away for a few days (Nooo, not with a donkey!) I'll miss you!

Celebrate the B.S.!

I do believe I forgot to mention some very delightful news...

I received the official graduation green light from the university! This particular journey of Mona Lake has been a long, frequently-interrupted, and often, but only temporarily, deemed hopeless one. Finally! At the ripe old age of 37, I will officially have my Bachelor's of Science. Often referred to as "B.S."

Isn't life poetic?

My First Day

So today was my first day as a 37 year-old unmarried, unemployed woman. I must say it was a success! That is the joy to be found in a minimalist existence... you can't really fuck it up! I feel good. I don't think I look any different. I got carded for cigarettes today too! The clerk actually noticed that my birthday was yesterday. I had thanked her for carding me, and she replied, "Well we have to card anyone who looks under 30, and I didn't think you were 30 at all." Clerks should get bonuses for that! If I had some spare change, I surely would have tipped her!

I received a text wishing me a "Happy Birthday" from Mack. I sent him a message telling him that when he gets back to town he should buy a couple gallons of frosting, glue a candle to his head and come over. "I want CAKE!" I said.

The only cake I got for my birthday was the Boston Creme cake I finally broke down and bought for myself tonight. I was craving cake. I never crave cake. Maybe we are genetically programmed to want cake for our birthdays. During my mission, I realized that I enjoy great freedom in my life. I am not one of those women that obsesses over food and calorie counts. I eat pretty well. I naturally enjoy vegetables and all the other "good-for-you" stuff. And, if I feel like eating a heaping bowl of ice cream... I do it! We only have one go-round in life. I'd rather risk an extra eighth of an inch on my thighs, then not enjoy something fattening, calorie-packed, and DELICIOUS! I pity women who are so preoccupied with perfection or unrealistic body image goals, that everything they put in their mouths sparks pangs of guilt and regret. Either I have been seriously blessed genetically... or it really isn't THAT hard. I work out a few times a week. Nothing crazy. Usually 30 minutes. Toning with light hand and ankle weights. I don't have my treadmill here yet, so I'm not even doing cardio. And, I am not having sex to burn off calories in the most fabulous way. Luck? I'm not sure. But things are working pretty well on this plan. If I don't find a job soon... maybe I'll make a fitness video! Right.