Day of Rest or Lack of Direction?

It's Sunday, the "Day of Rest." Rest, I certainly have. But now what?

Dangerous heat and humidity, along with pending rain tomorrow, forced me to change plans. My initial intentions were to continue painting my house even if it were only a small section or two. I'd go shopping for a new door for the back of the garage, but I don't have my paycheck yet. It's too hot to sit in the sun, too late to find a patch of sand to call my own at the beach. My house is clean. The laundry is done.

So what's a girl to do?

Ah, that nagging question. The ceramics studio is being remodelled, so it isn't open until the middle of September. My teach-yourself Spanish audio book can't be checked out on another extension again. The piano hasn't been fixed yet and neither has my laptop. That darn thing called "money" has been getting in my way! Although I have been gainfully employed since the middle of March, the position I accepted came with one catch: it was only guaranteed until September 30th. So, I haven't truly escaped the financial prison of unemployment quite yet. There have been signs that funding for my position will be coming through, but until it is official, I have to keep my purse strings tight. That means no new camera to take my photography to the next level, no piano repair for a proper instrument to practice on, no inspiring trips to Italy...

I've made it this far, and I won't stop pushing forward. I suppose I'll have to find just a little more patience within me to wait out official word of my future financial stability. It's just that feeling that I'm wasting time that bothers me...

(Sigh)

Ahhhhhhhh. My couch. My long lost friend. We are together again!

What a week! It was hell. But a good kind of hell. I not only have a job; I have three... and I had several chances to demonstrate my ability at all of them... hopefully increasing the odds that I will retain employment permanently! Hallelujah!

It's one thing to know that you are capable of performing well, but yet another to actually have the opportunity to do so. I forgot how good it feels to achieve something tangible, to be a part of a team... and get PAID! This week I got to establish important connections, conduct a meeting, edit a press release, collaborate on a project, develop and manage a grid, have a business lunch, establish a marketing strategy, and develop a multiple staff training manual under a very tight deadline. I loved every minute of it!

Next week, I'm giving a presentation at a community wide event. My first solo representation of the non-profit. Yes!

And saving the best for last: I paid off two bills!

My house is a wreck from my chaotic schedule, but I'd say sacrificing a little tidiness for a lot of financial stability is a smart move. I was able to fall asleep more easily and rise more readily the last two days... and once the week of the 30th arrives, I'll have a consistent schedule. Once that starts, I'm sure I will wake as needed without depending on my multiple alarm clocks. I'm getting closer to a "normal" life as each day passes.

Although my journey of unemployment was one of the most difficult I have had to endure, the lessons learned... especially being truly grateful for each and every thing you DO have... have made me a stronger, and better person.

My unsolicited advice to those still immersed in the fiery flames of unemployment hell: don't give up. Ever.

Last Day of Hibernation

Just as Spring is slowly approaching here... soon to be busied with bees, blossoming flowers, and slow growing blades of green grass; my life is soon to be busied with three jobs.

My "formal interview" on Friday (the 13th no less) consisted of "Nancy gave me the go-ahead to hire you, you start immediately." Huh? What? Whoa! I envisioned a long, somewhat boring, and tedious question and answer session with the typical hidden-motive psychologically analyzed blah-blah babble that most job interviews consist of. Afterwards, an offer presented, followed by me requesting the weekend to think it over. Funny how life never unfolds the way we wish it to.

My first thought after being arm-twisted into a permanent full-time job with excellent benefits and virtually guaranteed advancement opportunities, was "Carole is going to shit her pants!" Carole is the director I have been working most closely with at my part-time job. Project activity for the organization peaks through April, and the intention of them hiring me was to "prevent Carole from going crazy." I love the people I work with there, and I love the work that I do... but I also love financial stability. This is one of those times where I have to do something I'm not well-practiced in... doing what is best for me.

Crap.

Driving home from my interview Friday, I thought I might vomit on my dashboard! My mind was racing with the "what ifs," "what do I says" and "what are they gonna dos." I can't abandon the part-time job without notice. That's not an option for personal and professional reasons. They have been very good to me, and of course the pay is going to be hard to let go off. My new job has agreed to work around my existing commitments with the part-time job for my training, and may, may, if I'm lucky, allow me to work a four ten hour day work week... if so, I'll try to stay on at my part-time job once a week. I'll still sit with Chester on Saturdays. It's only three hours... and I adore them. I couldn't possibly take that joy away from Virginia. That one is an investment in karma.

So three jobs. Three jobs is the plan. In preparation for my intense week ahead... I've decided to hibernate today. My last day of hibernation. I wonder if bears are aware of their last day in the cave... and if they dread the busy days that await them? I'm going to have to learn a new job, new co-worker personalities, new on the way to work traffic patterns, fill out more tax forms... quit my beloved afternoon ceramics, figure out whether or not to still pursue the free tuition and schooling; have a painful discussion with my part-time job and negotiate a way to stay on with them... and hope that I am making the right decisions. I barely had enough time to adjust to the job I have... and now I've thrown another one into the mix.

What I just can't seem to accept yet, nor really celebrate, is the fact that in just a month or so... my financial stress may very well be over. I might actually be able to think about the future, instead of obsessing about how to make the most of $14 in food stamps so I can pay my heat bill. It still hasn't sunk in that I have the part-time job. How can I expect this to sink in?

"For all I know, they could say 'We were just kidding!' when I get to work on Monday morning." I told Virginia and her daughter on Saturday. Not very optimistic, I know, but I'm sure everyone can agree that these are very uncertain times in life. Realistic. I'm being realistic. And doubtful. Skeptical. Whatever non-believing adjectives you choose...

What I can do, is take it easy this last day. The last day of which I am certain about the goings on in my life. If I would have known they were going to throw the job at me on Friday... I might have planned some big to-do... a last hurrah before I jump into a three job, six day work week. It's been over four years since I have taken a vacation, and a solid year since affording one has even been remotely possible. It's going to pay off right?

Back to the "cave" of comforters, snacks, and semi-bad Sunday movies...

Survival Tips...

Just a quick post to pass on some potentially helpful information to you readers in the hopes that someone, anyone, survives this devastating economy without losing everything they own!

A not-so-well-known, but very helpful job posting site:

http://www.indeed.com/

And a soon-to-be-well-known shared housing site:

http://www.nationalsharedhousing.org/index.html

IN!

Well... it looks like I'm "IN." Employed... even if it is only a part-time, temporary position. Despite filling out tax forms, and finding out that I have my own desk... I still can't believe it! And I almost didn't make it to my first day.

I was expecting to have a hard time falling asleep at a "normal" time, considering life has been anything but normal for the last ten months. But, what I wasn't expecting was to awake from my recently attained sleeping state to an absolutely gut-wrenching pain. Panic set in immediately, since I had consumed a product containing peanut butter in the early evening. The thought of having to call in sick to work on my FIRST day, or have to pray I didn't shit my pants in the office was terrifying. The excruciating pains came in waves for the next two hours, completely destroying my intention to be well-rested and energetic on my initial day on the job.
I survived my unexplained discomfort, with minimal incidence, and aside from feeling pain more associated with a serious need to eat, I felt pretty good when I got up. But I didn't get up as early as I had planned, so my tender tummy had to suffer through the day without one crumb of food, and just a cup of coffee. I couldn't have risked showing up late!

My first hour or so was spent filling out the tax forms, so that was my first clue that an actual paycheck might be in my future. Then came the building tour, including the break room, so they must be keeping me around long enough to eat lunch there at least once. Afterward, some storage space was cleared at a part-time employee's desk (who was away on leave) for me to utilize, and a request was placed to get me a key card and organization email account. A desk? Really? That means that I'll be around long enough to need a place to park my rear.

I spent the next couple hours scheduling interviews with community members. While I was making appointments, news came in that the part-time employee on leave was not returning. Sniff. Sniff. I smell opportunity here...

I worked a whopping five hours today, and am returning again tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. for a few hours before my ceramics studio time. Friday I have a couple interviews scheduled, and Saturday afternoon I'll be sitting with Chester. Hardly a busy schedule for you "normal" people, but the first week of my life in almost a year that requires reference to my formerly empty planner!

Everyone I worked with today seemed quite nice, and my tasks are rather interesting... so, I'm still looking for the "catch," but my new career adventure is slowly becoming more of a reality for me. Desperately searching for work for such a lengthy amount of time, in an economy that reports job losses in the thousands on a daily basis, leaves one a little suspicious and almost jaded when a real opportunity to finally stabilize your finances again arises. So for now, I'll just plan on seriously busting my ass in the hopes of creating a permanent opportunity for myself, and perhaps finally ending this less-than-fun adventure in the Land of the Unemployed.

Got My Mind On My Money And My Money On My Mind

I've got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind! Trying to find any and all ways to make sure I can keep my house and my shorts! Thankfully, I'm one of those weird people who almost welcomes pressure... as I seem to work best in "Oh Shit!" mode; so I have somewhat welcomed the challenge.

My Ebay sales are going pretty well. I managed to finally unload my over-priced and under-used scientific calculator I was forced into buying for a statistics class in college! A big score at $25.00 in sales. Another item landed a mere 99 cents... but that pays better than dust, so I'll take it!

My ceramics production is at an all time high, and at this pace, I may very well have twenty pieces completed by the end of the workshop. I've been working with a new design that has gotten many "oohs" and "ahs" from the other artists in the workshop... so I am gambling on the fact that someone would buy them! There is a gift shop upstairs, and a few community art events coming up in Spring... so there is hope to at least recoup the cost of my class, and perhaps even generate a little profit.

There is hope on the horizon for employment! I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It is for a business that is in the building phase, so official employment wouldn't likely begin until May or later. Not ideal for someone who desperately needs a steady income, but, the job, if I got it, would be dependable, and recession-proof. I'm a little nervous about it, do to the fact that I know at least 12,000 people have applied for the jobs at this place. That means I really, really, really have to impress! I would kill to have enough money to buy a new suit for the interview, but that's just not going to happen. So I picked through my closet, and tried on every pair of dress pants I own to find the ones that fit the best. I'm still not sold on the top I selected. I'd prefer to wear a button down one, but those weren't looking great to me, so I believe I may go for a classic fit purple sweater. I can already see myself flinging clothes all about the room in a panic... tripping on hangers, sweat beading on my forehead... and probably uttering a swear word or two, moments before I have to leave.

In the morning, I'm going to my friend's grandmother's funeral. Not on the top of the fun-things-to-do list, but, something I feel I should do. He has been a great friend, and very supportive through my own hard times... being there for him during his own difficult time is just the right, and "grown up" thing to do. We have been friends for two years now, but have never been overly serious. We usually spend time speaking absolute jibberish while we flip through books, sipping coffee at Barnes and Noble. Laughing at our own intentional stupidity is our usual M.O. Sharing such an emotional time with him will add a new dynamic to our friendship. I am not sure that he will cry, but I have never seen him do so. I'm a kind of emotional girl, so if he cries... odds are I will to. And that's okay. I'll just have to be sure and regroup before I head off to my interview in the afternoon.

And with that... I'm off to bed. I've got an early, and long day ahead of me...

FIRE SALE!

In my quest to survive being jobless and broke in a faltering economy, I have begun hocking my unused belongings on Ebay. Over the past 5 years, I have tried to maintain a minimalist existence, but somehow, a few random things have managed to remain in my possession. Most of them have been sitting in boxes at my mother's house, waiting for someone to want them, and my mother likely waiting for me to find them a new home.

Going through unorganized boxes of "junk" isn't most people's idea of a good time, but, I've found it to be like a fun little treasure hunt! When I had moved back to my mother's temporarily inbetween places a few years ago, I hastily shoved all sorts of things into boxes: old mail, things I wanted to keep, and stuff I didn't want anymore. Considering we are in the age of "identity theft," getting papers with personal information in the right place is rather important, and generating income from things I don't need can only help my quest for survival... so it's worth the effort. And since I'm hoping to land a job from one or both of my upcoming interviews, now is the time to have my very own "fire sale."

My first listings were made last week and will end tomorrow night. I'm happy to report that I just got my first bid on an item... a whopping 99 cents! This particular item does have two "watchers" so I am hoping the auction action heats up over the next 20 hours. Selling things on Ebay is very similar to playing the slots at the casino. You put a little money in, hit a few buttons, and hope for a "jackpot!" What makes it even more exciting is the uncertainty of what items will sell. I have found that the things I didn't expect people to buy landed me the most cash. My most lucrative sale back in 2005 was a "Dukes of Hazard" Colorform set originally purchased at a garage sale in the 80's for 50 cents. It sold on Ebay for $25! Hell of a profit margin!

I'm not expecting to make enough money off of my "junk" on Ebay to live off of, although that would definitely be pretty damn nice! I'm just facing the hard cold fact that in four weeks, I'll be out of cash, and the bills will still be sitting in my mailbox wondering how they will get paid. If you would have asked me how long I thought I could survive being unemployed financially when this whole fiasco began last April... I would have said "a couple months." But, here I am, semi-triumphantly still afloat, some nine months later. Creativity, a good sense of humor, and desperate determination have been the keys to my survival... and fuel my "damned if I'm givin' up now" attitude. For anyone else who is experiencing the "joy" of being unemployed... let me honestly say that if you don't give up, you can and will get through it!

OMG

Oh...
My...
God!

I have TWO interviews next week! Tuesday and Wednesday! One job I actually think they are going to offer me right then and there! It is a temporary part-time job, but, it's a JOB, and it's with a non-profit organization! The people I have been working with (volunteering) there are all about me finding work. Very supportive and kind.

Why does this have me excited enough to use teenage text lingo? Because the money is running out in just a couple weeks! My tax return will hold me over, but not for long. Most of you know that supporting yourself and a household tends to cost a little more (a lot more) than $900 a month... and being held captive in your own financial prison sucks!

Paranormal States

I had good intentions of going to bed early last night, but I got an unexpected phone call from my brother. He recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, and since I have become a near expert in the "field," we spent the majority of our time on the phone discussing the "do's" and "don'ts." Hopefully he will be able to escape the web of misinformation I so often found myself tangled in, and skip the feelings of hopelessness and despair that sometimes kept me up all night.

Once I finally made it to my bedroom, I stumbled upon an episode of "Paranormal State." AHHHHH! I strangely enjoy that show. I love how the episodes I watch are always on around 2 a.m., during their typical "dead time" in which the show's researchers feel paranormal activity is at its peak. I also enjoy the spooky vibe my basement door mysteriously acquires when I sneak pass it on my way to the bathroom... during commercial breaks. My personal views regarding the existence of good or evil spirits is somewhere in the middle. I'm not convinced either way. But just as a kid at summer camp enjoys a good fireside ghost story... I kind of like the spook factor watching shows like that gives me.

Staying up to watchback-to-back episodes of the show led to my own paranormal state. Just a few days ago, I was a normal person in training, and found myself almost on a normal schedule. Not only was I awake during "dead time," I had stayed up past dead time! I wonder what the time after dead time is called? Super dead time? Deadly dead time? Dead as a doornail dead time?

Needless to say, I got a later than normal start to my morning. Breakfast was more appropriately called brunch, and my energy level seemed to be lower than my thermostat. Like the ghosts in the show... I was just floating around, sometimes unnoticably. Sometimes I could see myself doing something, and sometimes I couldn't. Chances of getting things done today were fading.

But once I had gotten home, my phone started ringing off the hook. Wait? Can we say that anymore in the land of cell phones? Anyway, in a fifteen minute span, I had scheduled the move of that rental property's runner-up tenant, returned a phone call for a potential part-time job interview next Wednesday, and retrieved a message for another job I sent my resume into just a few days ago. Having to literally move forward to walk to the calender to write down my upcoming activites encouraged me to move forward on some other things; like getting my taxes done.

Getting my taxes done was a big debate. I don't have much money, so I couldn't spend a lot to get them done, but I also couldn't afford to have some bozo do them incorrectly and leave me with less of a return. Due to the fact that in about four weeks my money runs out, I also could not afford to waste time taking care of this. So I got on TurboTax and did them myself. I'm not sure that my tax preparation was bozo-proof, but I made my way through, and e-filed my returns with the direct deposit option; for less money than I spent last year to have someone else prepare them for me. Now the big question is: what do I do with the money?

My existence is pretty paranormal right now. I'm supposed to start paralegal training, but I don't yet know when. I may have a job, but it's temporary, and part-time. I have a little money, but that's about to run out. There is a slim chance that that may change, but I have no concrete information stating so. I basically have no idea what the future holds. So how do I prepare for it?

My instinct is to save it for the worse (and likely) case scenario of not having a job and not a dime in the bank. My other option would be to pay off my small, but still interest accruing, credit card debt and then bank the rest, but I may need that money! Currently, I have a few things listed on Ebay, and I plan to apply any money those sales generate to pay off my credit debt. But should I be banking that too and just continue paying the minimum payments? Not only is my own future uncertain, the future of the state I live in, as well as the entire country is uncertain! If I were a financial genius, I would have retired years ago, and none of this would be an issue!

I guess I'll just have to be patient. I've been patient, or kinda patient, for the last nine months... what's another month, six months... year? Right?

Day Two of "Normal" Person Training

Today was yet another day that began at 8 a.m. Hardly incredible, or really worth mentioning to most, but considering there have been many an anxiety-filled, sleepless night, getting UP at 8 a.m., instead of going to sleep, is an accomplishment.



I confess to hitting the snooze alarm. However, my brain, in typical fashion, went right into "spazz" mode and wouldn't allow for indulgent snoozing. I went straight from my bed, to the workout gear, and squeezed a twenty minute weight training session in. For the record, that's my second workout this week. Again, not incredible, but undoing the damage done by months of unemployment hell is going to take some time and patience. Afterwards, I hit the shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee and went out the door.



My 10:00 a.m. appointment with the local college was today. I haven't been on that campus in about 12 years. I had no idea where I was going, or who I was supposed to see. As soon as I pulled in the drive, I was instantly reminded of the horrors of parking during snowfall on campus. What a serious pain in the ass, and a blatant testament to spatial ignorance! It seems that when it snows, people forget how to park in a neat and orderly fashion. Apparently, their vehicles must be made of some type of highly absorbent material, because they feel it necessary to park four feet away from the vehicles on their left and right. Ahhh. The very SOUR memories of campus life.



Thankfully, my brain still has some memory left, and they have not changed the location of the Student Services office. I found my destination right away. As impressive as that is, to me at least, the rest of my visit left a lot to be desired. When your financial fate lies in the hands of others, you begin to over-analyze the "others" competency levels. The receptionist (who probably got the job I telephone interviewed for) began asking me if I had done this, that, the other thing, filled out that, applied for this. I was beginning to think that I would be turned away due to a lack of correct information, but somehow, I had managed to have everything necessary to allow my passage into a secret office with the Academic Sorcerer.



My Academic counselor, or whatever the correct title used, magically appeared. I was early, and was able to actually get started early. The expression on the woman's face was reminiscent of someone flexing every muscle in their face and neck to prevent the words "I hate fuckin college kids. I hate this stupid office. My support hose are too damn tight. And if the paper in the copy machine gets jammed one more fuckin time, I'm going to staple your eyelids together," from flying out of her mouth in a cheap-coffee fueled rage. I might be exaggerating, but she surely didn't seem friendly. In fact, she never even introduced herself. Come on! That's exactly how I remember my experiences in the advising offices there some 12 years ago. Feeling like you have just ruined some person's day, who, in theory, is supposed to provide you with support and direction. Let's just say my confidence level of this experience being any different is at an exteme low.



My appointment lasted all of about 6 minutes. 6 minutes. And I'm supposed to believe that it took them 5 weeks to find 6 minutes to get my education program started? Sigh. Red tape is a choking hazard. When it's not actually trying to choke me, I feel like choking myself with it. According to the unknown Academic Wizard, I should get word by Monday regarding what happens next.



Afterwards, I headed to the grocery store for a desperately needed trip for food. I had no milk, cereal, eggs, or bread. A few minutes into my trip, I ran into a friend of a friend in the snack aisle. I wasn't shopping for snacks, they have the meat temporarily located in the aisle to the right. The guy is a rep for "Jays" and seems to think I am all that and a bag of chips... sorry, couldn't resist. Too bad the guy is your typical married sleeze, so his 10 minute long charm-fest was a waste of his hormones. He tried to make his ploy to get into my private snack bag a little more honorable by telling me that he married his wife because she was uncomfortable being pregnant and unwed as a teacher. Nice.



I couldn't really afford all of my groceries, but I picked up things that would allow me to make meals out of what I already have, so hopefully this trip will last two months. I had to pay the local grocer's outrageous price for cat food, because it was probably more cost effective than driving across town. I finally swallowed my pride, and put a donation plea on Craig's List for cat food and bird seed, to which my first reply was, "Why don't you feed the birds to the cats. Don't you have a bb gun?" Had I not already known that some smartass would have come up with the same genius answer, I may have found it funny. But when you take a moment to get serious, about seriously humbling shit, having someone make fun of your situation is a tad irritating. I thought of writing some sort of "hope you wind up broke and jobless too" message, but instead chose to reply with, "How sweet of you to say." Sometimes, a manipulative guilt-trip is more thrilling than spewing angry ill will. One very kind woman did reply with advice to contact the Humance Society. Supposedly, they have a food bank for "people like us that are having a tough time." I wrote her back and thanked her for her kindness.



I spoke with Carol "with the longer last name" from the SAC while I was in the dairy aisle. Looks like I'll be meeting with her today, despite feeling an overwhelming need to simply sit on my ass. I'll be leaving here within the half hour.



I have to admit that I do enjoy getting up during the "normal" hours of "normal" people. Enjoying the sunrise... the small hint of importance you feel when you are on the snow-covered road because you actually DO have to be somewhere. And though it could be a week or more, before I have any concrete information as to what I will be doing with my time in the near future, I feel I'll get there... sooner than later. I just have to hope I don't run out of patience first.

Is America Growing Up?

Has America finally decided it's time to give up its immature, immediate gratification seeking ways? Time to grow up? I'm not sure if the fiery failing financial inferno, or good ol' Dr. Phil is the cause... but Americans seem to finally be getting "real."

I was convinced as soon as I heard Sears was bringing back Layaway for Christmas.

"Back in the day," when people couldn't afford to pay cash for something, they didn't reach for imaginary money on the credit card. They put things on Layaway and made cash payments until the balance was paid in full. Once that glorious day arrived, they picked up their purple Garanimals corduroy jumper, a Lite Brite, two Baby Alives and an Atari video game (complete with the Ms. PacMan cartridge), and delightfully drove home to wrap their gifts, using Scotch tape that turned yellow by Christmas morning.

"Back in the day," we didn't carry 10 different credit cards and have to sort through them to find the one that had enough of a balance to swindle our purchases out the door. "Back in the day," outrageous debt wasn't acceptable, and bankruptcies and bailouts weren't trendy.

As much as this whole embarrassing, stressful and fear-inducing economy crash hurts... it may well be the very "growing pain" that America so desperately needed.
Now, if I could just figure out who would wear purple cords...

Hallelujah!

I JUST got a call for a telephone interview with the local college. The position is only part-time, but I'd be more than thrilled to have a job! Another bonus: it's a five-minute drive from home. My interview isn't until December 3rd, but it's the first offer for an interview that I've received since September!

Unfortunately, it's been so long since I applied that I do not recall what the pay rate is. I sent in my resume, cover letter and application on October 18th. Jobs are so few and far between that employers literally receive hundreds of applications, and therefore take 30 or more days to sort through them. This is why I feel such an urgency to find work. According to my estimations it will take:

A minimum of four weeks to review applications
A minimum of one week to interview candidates
Two weeks to receive my first paycheck

This equals 7 weeks. 7 weeks from now, I will be at the end of my unemployment extension! Not a place I want to be. Not a place I CAN be.

I've only lived in my house a little over one year. I'd like to hang onto it for awhile. Have the time to truly settle in and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I'm not asking for much out of this life. My "American Dream" consists of a $36,000 mortgage, and a ten year old car. Surely, at 37 years old, this is not "too much." I've never required extravagance. I'm simply trying to provide a roof over my head, and a sense of security. Food on the table, and love in my heart.

And I'm going to hang on to the belief that this dream is actually coming true. Slowly, but true.

Creative Minds Want to Know!

Today's economy demands creative means of survival! In an effort to find a way out of my financial hell, I have just posted two ads on Craig's List. I'm offering fitness training, and help getting one's house ready for the holidays. It's a little scary, I must admit. These days, you have no idea who's nuts and who isn't, but I'll be able to find ways to keep me safe. Hopefully, I'll get at least a handful of responses, and generate a little much-needed cash.

My mother's friend has apparently tried contacting 30 people to get her leaves cleaned up. "Why didn't someone call ME?!" I declared!

"There are a TON of leaves. You sure you'd want to do that?"

Do I WANT to? Not really. But, come on! I don't want to lose my house or my electricity either. That's the joy of life. It isn't always about what we want! You can bet your sweet patoot I'll be raking "a ton" of leaves next week!

So far, so good with the car! Hooray! That's one worry down... 35 to go!

Testy Telethon?

STILL...
UP.

Oh... Mona, Mona, Mona.

I'm pretty drained and looking a bit disheveled, but I have certainly used my time wisely. I've been on the phone with my cell phone company, mortgage company, electric company, gas company, unemployment office, the local college, my assistance case worker... all in the name of survival! I'm swallowing my pride and applying for any and all types of assistance available to me, in preparation for a long, hard, winter. And, the worse case scenario: no job, and no unemployment benefits at the beginning of frosty February.

I pray to God I don't get to that point.

I'm hoping that all of this ground work will take a bit of the edge off of the financial fear that often keeps me awake at night. Every last person I spoke with had a tone of true concern and sympathy in their voice. In the midst of menstrual hormone hell, I shockingly only choked up a couple times. However, when I spoke with my mother, I couldn't hold it back any longer, and I think I even said "fuckin'." All of this stress and frustration pressurizes at the bottled-up bottleneck, putting a definable discomfort around my heart. I don't want to cry about it... but I can't let it all just build up, either. One of these days, I will accept that it is okay to cry. Right?


This has been a powerful and painful lesson. I am FORCED to ask for help. Something I could not and would not do willingly in the past. If I do not ask for, nor accept help, I will be cowardly forfeiting all that I've worked for. Throwing in the towel on myself. A few years ago, I may have done just that.

Now? I refuse.

Can't Blame a Girl for Trying!

Well... I went to my 1 o'clock appointment with the caseworker today. Unfortunately, she told me what I already know: there just aren't any jobs out there. "It's just really really slow. I was hoping things would pick up after the election. I think a lot of people were waiting to see what happened," she said. Considering the election results hadn't been in for more than twelve hours, I don't find it very hard to believe that the office wasn't yet flooded with job opportunities. I was shown a position at the local hospital and given an web address for the soon-to-be casino, followed by an "I wish I had more to help you."

As soon as I returned home, I filled out the application for the hospital position and looked up the web address for the casino. The address offered no direct source of positions or method of application, so I signed up for their newsletter in the hopes that it will announce any job openings that become available.

I am disappointed. However, being realistic, I didn't expect much help. But, I tried. That's all I can continue to do: try, try, try harder, and keep trying. I hate the thought of enduring the holidays and the cold winter weather without a decent paying job. I've just got to believe that something positive is on its way.

What a Girl Wants... What a Girl Needs.

I managed to "nap" from some time after 6 p.m. until a few minutes after 8 p.m. I have a non-narcotic muscle relaxer (leftover from my "chostochondritis" episode in June) sitting on the nightstand that I plan to swallow at 10:30 p.m. My phone is on "silent." I am READY to sleep through the night. Here's hoping it works!

Almost broke-down in an exhaustion/depression/anxiety/stress tear-fest at the mechanics today. I was fighting back the desire to just drop to the ground and collapse in tantrum-like ball. To the limit I was. My car has been going through sporadic episodes of not wanting to start. My amateur fix-it brain came to the conclusion that it WASN'T my battery. After a few tests... I was proven right, despite the Harvard Mechanic School graduate's initial assessment. I like being a "guy-stuff" smart girl! It's empowering. The guy was very patient, and respectful. Too bad the shop was backed up and unable to fix it today. I might even escape this "repair" without charge... good thing. I can't afford even an oil change right now.

Fast forward.

I'm home. Mother brings by a few random groceries. Frozen asparagus, frozen french cut green beans, string cheese, and Texas toast. Not sure how she came up with that list... but if I had any say, she would have just come by with a bag of cat food. For the cats, not me. I want it to be clear that I have not gone so far "over the edge" as to begin consuming animal foods. It's very appreciated that she wants to help, but she just doesn't get what an unemployed and financially buried person truly NEEDS.

And neither do my family and friends. At least not most of them. So, I've decided to create a list of tips for those of you who have an unemployed sufferer in your life:

1. DO NOT ask the much hated "Any luck on the job front?" question! Trust me. The whole fuckin world will know when I get a job. (If I survive the initial shock that is.)

2. DO treat them to lunch, or even running errands with you. Unemployed people do not receive the social and mental stimulation of the workplace, and are too broke to do just about anything.

3. DO NOT offer vague suggestions for finding work. They spend their entire day and night searching newspapers and a half-dozen online sites. They know who is and isn't hiring.

4. DO provide specific leads to jobs and help them network if you are able. Simply feeling as though "you've got their back" will do wonders for their state of mind.

5. DO NOT assume that they are doing something wrong, or not looking for work; especially, in a state with the highest unemployment rate! My unemployment office had 8 positions open in a local factory, and 1,500 people applied. That's a .005% chance of getting hired.

6. DO offer to review their resumes and cover letters if they need help with them, or are looking for another opinion.

7. DO NOT expect your unemployed pal to be joyous and carefree... like they are on an extended vacation. Being out of work is HELL! People who have worked their entire lives did so not just because of money. Think about all of the people you know who retire and then return to work shortly after.

8. DO call them when you are at the store if you feel like donating food. Ask them what they NEED! A bag of chocolates is less appreciated when you need a slice of bread.

9. DO NOT tell them ways to cut costs that involve spending money! They don't have any!

10. DO be patient. The stress, anxiety, fear, and rejection bears a heavy weight on the mind of the unemployed. They are struggling to get through each day, and are likely to have mood swings.

And for those who haven't had the misfortune to be unemployed, here's a little peek inside the mind of someone who's been living this nightmare for six months:


I have not slept peacefully for more than one day in a row in over 5 months. And when I can't sleep, I fire up the computer and send resumes at 3 a.m.

I feel more likely to get my identity stolen then I do to get a job.


Sometimes I feel worthless, despite knowing I am a hard-working, talented and intelligent individual.

I am in never-ending fear of going deep into debt. Been there, done that, and it isn't a happy place.

Every time the heat comes on (my thermostat is set at 60), I cringe.

Every time I turn a light on, I wonder if I'll be able to pay my electric bill.

I have "all the time in the world" in a world with no time. It's lonely here.

Sending out resumes and cover letters is expensive, and at times, feels pointless.

Even "strong" people feel weak and discouraged some times. Support without condition is always welcome.

Believing in yourself has no bearing on the unemployment rate.

I'm stressed out! Too tired to pretend everything is coming up roses, when it's really falling down like leaves.

Mona Lake's Frugal French Toast

It's no secret that I'm broke, so I'm doing my best not to waste food. I had some sourdough bread about to go bad... so I made my french toast with it! Pretty tasty!

So here's my "Frugal French Toast" recipe for you...
(breakfast for ONE of course!)

2 slices of sourdough bread (mine was bakery style, donated by my dear mom, as were the eggs and milk)
2 eggs
1 splash of milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
dashes to taste of cinnamon

Mix eggs, milk, cinnamon, and vanilla in bowl. Whisk for about 2 minutes.

Soak bread slices in mixture. Individually if necessary.

Place bread on buttered skillet warmed at medium heat. Brown well on each side.

Butter to taste.

Cover with your $1.99 Target brand syrup... (or Mrs. Butterworth's if you are lucky enough to have a job!)

Savor your breakfast for one; and fantasize about...

bacon.

ENJOY! I did.

Oh Sooooooo Hot!

I had a HOT evening.

A spicy evening.

And, oh, was it satisfying.

You can't count on a man pleasuring you... but you sure can have a hot time with Caribbean Jerk Chicken Wings.

Ah. The single life.

After enjoying delicious chicken wings, I returned home with my "guitar teacher." He helped me move some chairs into my empty bedroom upstairs: the future "jam room." And then I attempted to play a C chord on the guitar. It's rather funny watching the knuckle on my middle finger bend and wobble like it were made of rubber! I didn't have any success with it tonight, but, I will try again tomorrow. I had trouble with the G chord, my first night, and had it mastered the second day. So, I am hoping my fingers cooperate.

I wound up being up all night last night. Would have been asleep by midnight, but I had received a call from the Irishman, and from Brian. The Irishman may have lost his job. We didn't get into the details at all because his phone ran out of credits. He had asked if I wanted him to come this weekend! What? I'm thinking he'd get here and then not have money to get back! And, I don't have enough money to support two people. I don't have enough money to fully support my own existence right now. It would be nice to have the company. I'm a little nervous about turning into a recluse! That would be tragic!

Thankfully, I have some appointments tomorrow. So I will be leaving the house again! I hate being cooped up! I'm not the coopin' kind! There's a big beautiful world I want to explore out there!

The Cold War

Poverty sucks! It is literally a cold-hearted condition! In an attempt to keep the bills I'm already having trouble paying from getting any higher... I've resorted to using some space heaters to keep the house slightly above freezing. Well, they aren't very effective. My outfit sure is "HOT" though: full-length wool socks, sweatpants, a long-sleeve T, short-sleeve T, and a hooded sweatshirt. All in various "uplifting" shades of gray.

Sleeping has been difficult the past few days. Only caught an hour Sunday before I cleaned an entire house on an empty stomach. So today was a waste, unless I was registered for the Guinness Book of World Records most sleep in one day title. I did write up a "schedule" for myself last night. Something to make me feel a little more purposeful and directed.

I'm into my seventh month of this... and it is shear hell. I hate it. You are fighting to pay your bills. Fighting to hang on to your pride. Fighting to live with purpose. Fighting to keep your "chin up." Fighting to find a job. Fighting the urge to give up. Fighting to keep warm. Fighting to get out of bed...

I did pick up the guitar tonight. Strummed the G chord a bit. My fingers went into the proper position much easier than yesterday! Looked up some other chords on the computer, but didn't find anything I felt I could learn without picking up potential mistakes. Can't be a bad thing to get used to the feel of handling the guitar and strumming it. I played around with lifting and replacing my fingers while strumming. I'll surely have at least one more supervised lesson this week. I have two chairs in the garage I was going to sell for cash, but, my friend made a comment that my empty upstairs bedroom would make a good "jam room." Maybe I'll keep them for now and haul them up there.

I'll be back in the unemployment office on Thursday to check the status of my extension paperwork. I'm hoping to be able to meet with the case worker in charge of the "OJT" program. I don't have time to worry about tuition and more schooling. I NEED a job. Yesterday!

Random Rockin Recap

Hello boys and girls! I'm back.

Considering I'm a little anal about efficiency, I think it best to simply recap the highlights of the last couple days.

Saturday night: Spent the first part of the day in bed. Hadn't been feeling well. Coughing and sinus congestion subsided, but still had a bit of discomfort and just plain ill feeling in my stomach. Brian picked me up at 6:30 and we went to dinner in a small town about a half an hour away. "The County Seat" is a nice, yet non-pretentious restaurant in the downtown area. Lots of interesting architectural features and always an enjoyable meal. We came back to my place and he looked through some of my photographs, read my yet to be published book, and a collection of poetry I had written as far back as junior high. Brian has played guitar for about 25 years, and he has committed to assist me in learning how to play. My piano needs tuning and repair, so I can't really focus on learning that right now.

Sunday: Resting, recovering, and laziness.

Monday: Left early in the morning to clean for an elderly couple. Absolutely adorable they were! 86 and 88 years old. Married for 70 years! Took a short nap, and then got up for my guitar lesson. Brian is letting me borrow a bass and a six-string to learn on. My brief bits of musical training were very sporadic and spread out. I do have a pretty good understanding of the basics of music and the terminology, but he was getting a little complex for my first night. I am someone who learns by doing, and applying my knowledge. So all I am completely confident with tonight, is the G major chord, and the fact that my pinkie finger is going to require some serious training to play it well. I also must cut my fingernails, which thankfully, is not a big deal to me.

Not only did I get two guitars, and a free guitar lesson... he cooked me dinner too! Can't beat that!

My bills are out of control. Have no clue how I'm going to make it this next month without borrowing money. I HATE borrowing money. The desperation is growing ever stronger, and I am clumsily clinging on to the hope that "Everything will work out." It has to!