The Prices We Pay...

What an amazing morning! I slept well last night. One of the best night's rest I have had in a long time. Since deciding to end my pursuit of the full-time position as Administrative Support to the Director of Operations at the job that offered benefits, but lower pay, and no "purpose," I feel a great sense of peace. And relief. I woke up to the sunrise gently kissing my face; feeling alive, and ready to enjoy the day.

My latest revelation makes me terribly concerned for the emotional well-being of the millions of people who are still suffering the unemployment and economic crisis. Any of you that have been through it know that being out of work, especially when you are trying to support a household or family, is an incredibly stressful thing. Add to that being forced to take whatever job you can get, regardless of whether or not it is something you enjoy doing, a job that does not allow you to do those non-work-related things that bring you the ever-important enjoyment of life... and you have yourself a potential mental nightmare!

In support of my own quest to avoid finding myself working solely for "the man," and doing something 2,000 hours a year that doesn't bring me some sense of fulfillment... I'm going to stick to my plan to pare down my expenses, and continue on with my non-profit work, caring for Chester, and pursuing my creative adventures. There is a slight bit of risk involved. My job is only guaranteed until September, and it's future is dependent upon the receipt of additional grant funding... But I'd rather be doing something I love, and living the life I have fought so hard to live, for six months, rather than zero months! By following this master plan, I'm only sacrificing material things, instead of sacrificing my entire existence. Giving up my fancy conditioner, as opposed to my identity, sounds like the smartest decision I have made in many years!

So... I continue my quest to spend money wisely. Save whenever, and wherever I can. That meant I was forced to go to Walmart. Many a better-than-you type person would tell you they would rather pull their own teeth out with dirty pliers that be caught dead in Walmart. I've got to confess that I don't really care to shop there either. I am not bothered by the fact that the majority of Walmart shoppers are of a lower socio-economic status. Hell, I'm not exactly rich. At least not in a monetary sense. What bothers me, is the commotion! I have a gift of travelling down the same aisles as the mother of a pack of unruly, disheveled, screaming me-mes, who doesn't understand that the aisle is barely wide enough for two carts to travel side by side... so leaving her cart, with the wailing, snot-nosed baby in the seat, in the middle of the canned good section, makes my shopping inconvenient; and my head pound! But if I'm going to successfully find my true calling in life, I've got to shop where I can get the most for my money, and that just happens to be where the overly-reproductive people shop as well. A small sacrifice, I suppose, in the big scheme of things.

Saving money takes a little bit of effort, and a lot of creativity. This morning, I replaced my very worn and hardly working wiper blades with the new ones I purchased, from Walmart, for $4.97 a piece. I have no idea what the current going rate is for wiper blades at those one-stop oil- change-and-more type places, but I have a vague memory of spending at least twenty bucks to have them replace and install new wipers on my car in my early, naive, twenties. They are very easy to put on: a simple slide and snap into a hook. Unfortunately, taking the passenger side wiper off required a little more focus and patience then my just-woke-up brain was capable of, so I suffered a cut to my index finger. One of those wounds that isn't really that serious... but bleeds like you ought to call an ambulance fast, before you lose consciousness. I went straight to the bathroom, and realized that I don't have, and haven't had, any bandaids! Huh. Good thing I finally picked up toilet paper at "Wallyworld," last night. (Christmas napkins aren't very absorbent.) Soooo... I covered my throbbing, bloody wound with two squares of Charmin Ultra Strong with Diamond Weave, and secured it with Scotch tape. I realize this isn't as impressive as a soap opera plane crash... when the sexy, chiseled, man seductively tears his shirt off to create a life-saving tournequet for his damsel in distress, but I was pretty proud of my budget-friendly, blood-flow preventing, invention!

It has now been two hours since my injury. The bleeding has stopped, and my primitive, life-saving, impromptu bandage is in the trash. A literal reminder that with a little effort and creativity... I can, and will, survive this, and hopefully find my true path along the way.

(Sigh)

Ahhhhhhhh. My couch. My long lost friend. We are together again!

What a week! It was hell. But a good kind of hell. I not only have a job; I have three... and I had several chances to demonstrate my ability at all of them... hopefully increasing the odds that I will retain employment permanently! Hallelujah!

It's one thing to know that you are capable of performing well, but yet another to actually have the opportunity to do so. I forgot how good it feels to achieve something tangible, to be a part of a team... and get PAID! This week I got to establish important connections, conduct a meeting, edit a press release, collaborate on a project, develop and manage a grid, have a business lunch, establish a marketing strategy, and develop a multiple staff training manual under a very tight deadline. I loved every minute of it!

Next week, I'm giving a presentation at a community wide event. My first solo representation of the non-profit. Yes!

And saving the best for last: I paid off two bills!

My house is a wreck from my chaotic schedule, but I'd say sacrificing a little tidiness for a lot of financial stability is a smart move. I was able to fall asleep more easily and rise more readily the last two days... and once the week of the 30th arrives, I'll have a consistent schedule. Once that starts, I'm sure I will wake as needed without depending on my multiple alarm clocks. I'm getting closer to a "normal" life as each day passes.

Although my journey of unemployment was one of the most difficult I have had to endure, the lessons learned... especially being truly grateful for each and every thing you DO have... have made me a stronger, and better person.

My unsolicited advice to those still immersed in the fiery flames of unemployment hell: don't give up. Ever.

Witness Protection Program

Help! I'm not sure that I'm ready for that big, bad world that so quickly forgot about me for the past ten months. A former "people person," I now find mingling amongst masses of homosapiens almost uncomfortable! I feel exposed; vulnerable; like a person in the Witness Protection Program that just got spotted in the produce aisle in Arkansas.


It is in fact a small world after all... but the world inside my house is even smaller. And definitely more predictable... more comfortable... less demanding. However, I failed to find a miraculous way to support my lone existence without leaving the safety of my humble home... and my brain tricked me into believing that if I didn't find a job soon, I would somehow feel unfulfilled...

So here I am... working. Voyaging through the world of the "normal" people, wondering who knows I've lived the life of a sloth for months on end... wondering if unemployment has visibly damaged me; nipped away my sense of value and competence. My "oh my God I have a job!" feelings are becoming lost in this sea of doubt... fear of failure... insecurity.

My world is shrinking all around me! I keep running into people I haven't seen in years, having to rehash my circumstances with each encounter. That I have a job, but it's temporary part-time, that I graduated, but I'm going back to school... I just don't know when... I have to constantly relive the frustrating uncertainty and instability of life in today's economy each time I explain "what's going on." I ran into my high school friend's father this morning, a friend of a guy I dated (but shouldn't have) in my 20's in the hallway at work ... the tenant of an apartment I remodelled is asking me out (I think), my ex that will never be "serious material" is back in town... Nothing truly complicated, but I'm used to just having an occassional conversation with my cat, not trying to explain my 10 months in hell without sounding pessimistic. Shit. Did I just admit that?

Anyway... I love my job. I like the people, I really like the pay... it's a seven minute drive from my house... and it has a purpose. But, it's temporary part-time until the end of April... at which time they may or may not offer me a permanent position, and if they do, it will likely be part-time. If it's the same amount of hours I have now, I can live off of that... and hope for more hours in the future; while still taking my ceramics classes, and returning to school.

NOW... I just got a call for a call-back interview at a new business that is opening in the late summer. There are 1,500 positions available... and already over 20,000 have applied. So this is a BIG DEAL. My interview is tomorrow at 3:30, after a day of work. Not ideal for me, but, at least I don't have enough time to overthink it and start freaking out. I'm already jumping the gun and trying to decide which job is the best fit for me. Rather silly, since I don't have a solid offer of permanent employment from either place. This is what the economy, unemployment, and living on a literal prayer does to your mind... I'm a friggin' mess! I AM already freaking out.

I suppose the good news is that I sprung for some new shoes and a few "businessy" wardrobe items... so at least I won't LOOK like a dishelved, neurotic desperado. And, I suppose that the worst that could happen is that I have a choice in which job to accept. The source of my paranoia, perhaps, is a fear of losing the person I most recently found; sacrificing the joy of truly being who I am, for the much -needed security of a reliable and sustainable income.

To be continued...

Baby Needs A New Pair Of Shoes!

This morning I had to claw my way out of the most bizarre dream I've had in some time to get up and ready for work. I hadn't even bothered to pick out clothes to wear the night before, what's the point? There's nothing there. My wardrobe is like a multiple choice test in your high school English class, but instead of circling the best answer... you circle the closet looking for the best pair of pants. Best meaning they kind of fit.

This isn't working... this working. I'm not equipped for the job.

I barely made it out the door on time, wearing my $9 green cashmere sweater (again) and saggy seven year old pants with a loose hem on the left leg. This ensemble was accessorized with tired, two year old black heeled boots hiding underneath my unravelling and unflattering pants. I've noticed that the director looks at my boots often, and I think it's out of sympathy, or perhaps plain old confusion. Regardless of what other's think, these boots are barely holding on to their soles, and the soon-to-be-warmer weather commands less cumbersome footwear...

Baby needs a new pair of shoes!

It just so happened, that when I went shopping last week, I purchased a sweater that I hadn't tried on, and of course, it didn't' fit well. Since I had to take it back... I justified using that money towards a respectable pair of shoes... and again... I'm truly hoping that I'll be kept on permanently. A gamble, yes, but if they don't keep me on... at least I will have a nice pair of shoes for interviews!

First thing this morning, I was informed that the fellow staff member I referred to as "the least outgoing," gave me a compliment, and she NEVER does that, exclaimed the director and HR assistant. "She's the coldest fish you will ever meet, and she knows it, so for her to give you a compliment, that is a VERY big deal." Danielle stressed. Ms. Fish had to leave work unexpectedly to tend to her sick child, and asked me to finish a project for her. I was more than glad to do it, and I somehow managed to impress her with my competency. The interesting dynamic is that this "cold fish," and Danielle are sisters-in-law, and have worked together for a few years. Obviously, they have an interest in who they "invite" into their workplace, so if Ms. Fish likes me... I'm one person closer. I'm looking at this like hitting a penny slot jackpot! Not quite the big win, but a win nonetheless!

IN!

Well... it looks like I'm "IN." Employed... even if it is only a part-time, temporary position. Despite filling out tax forms, and finding out that I have my own desk... I still can't believe it! And I almost didn't make it to my first day.

I was expecting to have a hard time falling asleep at a "normal" time, considering life has been anything but normal for the last ten months. But, what I wasn't expecting was to awake from my recently attained sleeping state to an absolutely gut-wrenching pain. Panic set in immediately, since I had consumed a product containing peanut butter in the early evening. The thought of having to call in sick to work on my FIRST day, or have to pray I didn't shit my pants in the office was terrifying. The excruciating pains came in waves for the next two hours, completely destroying my intention to be well-rested and energetic on my initial day on the job.
I survived my unexplained discomfort, with minimal incidence, and aside from feeling pain more associated with a serious need to eat, I felt pretty good when I got up. But I didn't get up as early as I had planned, so my tender tummy had to suffer through the day without one crumb of food, and just a cup of coffee. I couldn't have risked showing up late!

My first hour or so was spent filling out the tax forms, so that was my first clue that an actual paycheck might be in my future. Then came the building tour, including the break room, so they must be keeping me around long enough to eat lunch there at least once. Afterward, some storage space was cleared at a part-time employee's desk (who was away on leave) for me to utilize, and a request was placed to get me a key card and organization email account. A desk? Really? That means that I'll be around long enough to need a place to park my rear.

I spent the next couple hours scheduling interviews with community members. While I was making appointments, news came in that the part-time employee on leave was not returning. Sniff. Sniff. I smell opportunity here...

I worked a whopping five hours today, and am returning again tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. for a few hours before my ceramics studio time. Friday I have a couple interviews scheduled, and Saturday afternoon I'll be sitting with Chester. Hardly a busy schedule for you "normal" people, but the first week of my life in almost a year that requires reference to my formerly empty planner!

Everyone I worked with today seemed quite nice, and my tasks are rather interesting... so, I'm still looking for the "catch," but my new career adventure is slowly becoming more of a reality for me. Desperately searching for work for such a lengthy amount of time, in an economy that reports job losses in the thousands on a daily basis, leaves one a little suspicious and almost jaded when a real opportunity to finally stabilize your finances again arises. So for now, I'll just plan on seriously busting my ass in the hopes of creating a permanent opportunity for myself, and perhaps finally ending this less-than-fun adventure in the Land of the Unemployed.

Nervous Nelly!

Nervous Nelly. This is my new identity. My new affliction. After 302 days without a job, 302 days of struggling to maintain a sense of hope... I find myself very nervous, and in complete disbelief that tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, morning is my first day at my new job.

At least I think so.

This whole experience has been down right bizarre! I "found" the job by simply placing a profile on a volunteer web site; my intention being to volunteer. Within a week I was being advised to turn in a resume for an upcoming part-time, temporary position. Last week I met with the Human Resources director who told me that the women I had met with for a volunteer orientation had told her to hire me, and that they were very impressed with me. As I sat there, I realized how much my ability to "sell myself" is lacking. Thankfully they had had the opportunity to interact with me and form their own opinions, because if it were up to me to tell them how extraordinarily qualified and fabulous I am... I'm afraid I would have failed. During our meeting, they assured me that they will work around my ceramics class, are understanding of the fact that I really need a full-time permanent job and "will be happy" for me if I do get one, but did want me to know that I could very well wind up working for them permanently. The pay will be three dollars more an hour than the job I lost in April. WHAT? Where is the catch? What is this? Are they really planning on abducting me and conducting illegal scientific research on my body parts in an undisclosed underground labratory in Mexico?

I feel terrible that I simply don't believe this is true! Is being unemployed in this faltering economy really that powerful? I suppose it must be! The old cliche, "if it's too good to be true..." keeps haunting me, so perhaps my refusal to celebrate, or even believe that I have a job is a defense mechanism to avoid serious disappointment. But IF this is real, and if I can make this job turn into something permanent, I'll be able to continue my ceramics, attend my paralegal schooling full-time, and the big score: PAY MY BILLS!

I report to duty at 9 a.m. I haven't even bothered myself with the "what do I wear" dilemma yet. I'll probably save that for 3 in the morning when I'm tossing and turning and unable to sleep because I'm full of anxiety. At least I know what to expect from myself. And maybe after the paperwork is filled out, maybe then I'll actually be able to say outloud, "I have a JOB!!"

Got My Mind On My Money And My Money On My Mind

I've got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind! Trying to find any and all ways to make sure I can keep my house and my shorts! Thankfully, I'm one of those weird people who almost welcomes pressure... as I seem to work best in "Oh Shit!" mode; so I have somewhat welcomed the challenge.

My Ebay sales are going pretty well. I managed to finally unload my over-priced and under-used scientific calculator I was forced into buying for a statistics class in college! A big score at $25.00 in sales. Another item landed a mere 99 cents... but that pays better than dust, so I'll take it!

My ceramics production is at an all time high, and at this pace, I may very well have twenty pieces completed by the end of the workshop. I've been working with a new design that has gotten many "oohs" and "ahs" from the other artists in the workshop... so I am gambling on the fact that someone would buy them! There is a gift shop upstairs, and a few community art events coming up in Spring... so there is hope to at least recoup the cost of my class, and perhaps even generate a little profit.

There is hope on the horizon for employment! I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It is for a business that is in the building phase, so official employment wouldn't likely begin until May or later. Not ideal for someone who desperately needs a steady income, but, the job, if I got it, would be dependable, and recession-proof. I'm a little nervous about it, do to the fact that I know at least 12,000 people have applied for the jobs at this place. That means I really, really, really have to impress! I would kill to have enough money to buy a new suit for the interview, but that's just not going to happen. So I picked through my closet, and tried on every pair of dress pants I own to find the ones that fit the best. I'm still not sold on the top I selected. I'd prefer to wear a button down one, but those weren't looking great to me, so I believe I may go for a classic fit purple sweater. I can already see myself flinging clothes all about the room in a panic... tripping on hangers, sweat beading on my forehead... and probably uttering a swear word or two, moments before I have to leave.

In the morning, I'm going to my friend's grandmother's funeral. Not on the top of the fun-things-to-do list, but, something I feel I should do. He has been a great friend, and very supportive through my own hard times... being there for him during his own difficult time is just the right, and "grown up" thing to do. We have been friends for two years now, but have never been overly serious. We usually spend time speaking absolute jibberish while we flip through books, sipping coffee at Barnes and Noble. Laughing at our own intentional stupidity is our usual M.O. Sharing such an emotional time with him will add a new dynamic to our friendship. I am not sure that he will cry, but I have never seen him do so. I'm a kind of emotional girl, so if he cries... odds are I will to. And that's okay. I'll just have to be sure and regroup before I head off to my interview in the afternoon.

And with that... I'm off to bed. I've got an early, and long day ahead of me...

FIRE SALE!

In my quest to survive being jobless and broke in a faltering economy, I have begun hocking my unused belongings on Ebay. Over the past 5 years, I have tried to maintain a minimalist existence, but somehow, a few random things have managed to remain in my possession. Most of them have been sitting in boxes at my mother's house, waiting for someone to want them, and my mother likely waiting for me to find them a new home.

Going through unorganized boxes of "junk" isn't most people's idea of a good time, but, I've found it to be like a fun little treasure hunt! When I had moved back to my mother's temporarily inbetween places a few years ago, I hastily shoved all sorts of things into boxes: old mail, things I wanted to keep, and stuff I didn't want anymore. Considering we are in the age of "identity theft," getting papers with personal information in the right place is rather important, and generating income from things I don't need can only help my quest for survival... so it's worth the effort. And since I'm hoping to land a job from one or both of my upcoming interviews, now is the time to have my very own "fire sale."

My first listings were made last week and will end tomorrow night. I'm happy to report that I just got my first bid on an item... a whopping 99 cents! This particular item does have two "watchers" so I am hoping the auction action heats up over the next 20 hours. Selling things on Ebay is very similar to playing the slots at the casino. You put a little money in, hit a few buttons, and hope for a "jackpot!" What makes it even more exciting is the uncertainty of what items will sell. I have found that the things I didn't expect people to buy landed me the most cash. My most lucrative sale back in 2005 was a "Dukes of Hazard" Colorform set originally purchased at a garage sale in the 80's for 50 cents. It sold on Ebay for $25! Hell of a profit margin!

I'm not expecting to make enough money off of my "junk" on Ebay to live off of, although that would definitely be pretty damn nice! I'm just facing the hard cold fact that in four weeks, I'll be out of cash, and the bills will still be sitting in my mailbox wondering how they will get paid. If you would have asked me how long I thought I could survive being unemployed financially when this whole fiasco began last April... I would have said "a couple months." But, here I am, semi-triumphantly still afloat, some nine months later. Creativity, a good sense of humor, and desperate determination have been the keys to my survival... and fuel my "damned if I'm givin' up now" attitude. For anyone else who is experiencing the "joy" of being unemployed... let me honestly say that if you don't give up, you can and will get through it!

OMG

Oh...
My...
God!

I have TWO interviews next week! Tuesday and Wednesday! One job I actually think they are going to offer me right then and there! It is a temporary part-time job, but, it's a JOB, and it's with a non-profit organization! The people I have been working with (volunteering) there are all about me finding work. Very supportive and kind.

Why does this have me excited enough to use teenage text lingo? Because the money is running out in just a couple weeks! My tax return will hold me over, but not for long. Most of you know that supporting yourself and a household tends to cost a little more (a lot more) than $900 a month... and being held captive in your own financial prison sucks!

Paranormal States

I had good intentions of going to bed early last night, but I got an unexpected phone call from my brother. He recently joined the ranks of the unemployed, and since I have become a near expert in the "field," we spent the majority of our time on the phone discussing the "do's" and "don'ts." Hopefully he will be able to escape the web of misinformation I so often found myself tangled in, and skip the feelings of hopelessness and despair that sometimes kept me up all night.

Once I finally made it to my bedroom, I stumbled upon an episode of "Paranormal State." AHHHHH! I strangely enjoy that show. I love how the episodes I watch are always on around 2 a.m., during their typical "dead time" in which the show's researchers feel paranormal activity is at its peak. I also enjoy the spooky vibe my basement door mysteriously acquires when I sneak pass it on my way to the bathroom... during commercial breaks. My personal views regarding the existence of good or evil spirits is somewhere in the middle. I'm not convinced either way. But just as a kid at summer camp enjoys a good fireside ghost story... I kind of like the spook factor watching shows like that gives me.

Staying up to watchback-to-back episodes of the show led to my own paranormal state. Just a few days ago, I was a normal person in training, and found myself almost on a normal schedule. Not only was I awake during "dead time," I had stayed up past dead time! I wonder what the time after dead time is called? Super dead time? Deadly dead time? Dead as a doornail dead time?

Needless to say, I got a later than normal start to my morning. Breakfast was more appropriately called brunch, and my energy level seemed to be lower than my thermostat. Like the ghosts in the show... I was just floating around, sometimes unnoticably. Sometimes I could see myself doing something, and sometimes I couldn't. Chances of getting things done today were fading.

But once I had gotten home, my phone started ringing off the hook. Wait? Can we say that anymore in the land of cell phones? Anyway, in a fifteen minute span, I had scheduled the move of that rental property's runner-up tenant, returned a phone call for a potential part-time job interview next Wednesday, and retrieved a message for another job I sent my resume into just a few days ago. Having to literally move forward to walk to the calender to write down my upcoming activites encouraged me to move forward on some other things; like getting my taxes done.

Getting my taxes done was a big debate. I don't have much money, so I couldn't spend a lot to get them done, but I also couldn't afford to have some bozo do them incorrectly and leave me with less of a return. Due to the fact that in about four weeks my money runs out, I also could not afford to waste time taking care of this. So I got on TurboTax and did them myself. I'm not sure that my tax preparation was bozo-proof, but I made my way through, and e-filed my returns with the direct deposit option; for less money than I spent last year to have someone else prepare them for me. Now the big question is: what do I do with the money?

My existence is pretty paranormal right now. I'm supposed to start paralegal training, but I don't yet know when. I may have a job, but it's temporary, and part-time. I have a little money, but that's about to run out. There is a slim chance that that may change, but I have no concrete information stating so. I basically have no idea what the future holds. So how do I prepare for it?

My instinct is to save it for the worse (and likely) case scenario of not having a job and not a dime in the bank. My other option would be to pay off my small, but still interest accruing, credit card debt and then bank the rest, but I may need that money! Currently, I have a few things listed on Ebay, and I plan to apply any money those sales generate to pay off my credit debt. But should I be banking that too and just continue paying the minimum payments? Not only is my own future uncertain, the future of the state I live in, as well as the entire country is uncertain! If I were a financial genius, I would have retired years ago, and none of this would be an issue!

I guess I'll just have to be patient. I've been patient, or kinda patient, for the last nine months... what's another month, six months... year? Right?

Creative Math

Today I made a valiant attempt to pay a shit pile of bills with the one turd I've been trying to polish for the last ten months... and let's just say, it didn't go very well. Something had to give...

So, I pondered my options.

Instantly, flashbacks of the onslaught of bailouts and Ponzi schemes flickered through my head. And that's where my solution came from. I think I'm on to something...All of this crazy economic collapse crap is a direct result of "creative math." Virtually every headline has something to do with the irresponsible use of creative math. We've got governors playing "Ebay" with Senate seats, playing "Hide and Go Seek" with unemployment... banks playing "Barbie Dream House" with bailout funds, donkeys and elephants playing "Tug of War" with Monopoly money... leaving us all stuck in a terrible game of "Clue;" so why can't I play "Fraction Subtraction" with my utility bills?

I'm not sure what happens when you only pay a fraction of your utility bills, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Fact of the matter is, I couldn't afford the entire amount due. And if "everybody else is doing it" why can't I, albeit for honest reasons? If banks, giant corporations, and government officials aren't held accountable for their expenses, then why should that one girl in that one town be? If you compare my potential financial fallout to the forementioned, I'm a taxpayer bargain! I could be bailed out for less than one cent per taxpayer...

Day Two of "Normal" Person Training

Today was yet another day that began at 8 a.m. Hardly incredible, or really worth mentioning to most, but considering there have been many an anxiety-filled, sleepless night, getting UP at 8 a.m., instead of going to sleep, is an accomplishment.



I confess to hitting the snooze alarm. However, my brain, in typical fashion, went right into "spazz" mode and wouldn't allow for indulgent snoozing. I went straight from my bed, to the workout gear, and squeezed a twenty minute weight training session in. For the record, that's my second workout this week. Again, not incredible, but undoing the damage done by months of unemployment hell is going to take some time and patience. Afterwards, I hit the shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee and went out the door.



My 10:00 a.m. appointment with the local college was today. I haven't been on that campus in about 12 years. I had no idea where I was going, or who I was supposed to see. As soon as I pulled in the drive, I was instantly reminded of the horrors of parking during snowfall on campus. What a serious pain in the ass, and a blatant testament to spatial ignorance! It seems that when it snows, people forget how to park in a neat and orderly fashion. Apparently, their vehicles must be made of some type of highly absorbent material, because they feel it necessary to park four feet away from the vehicles on their left and right. Ahhh. The very SOUR memories of campus life.



Thankfully, my brain still has some memory left, and they have not changed the location of the Student Services office. I found my destination right away. As impressive as that is, to me at least, the rest of my visit left a lot to be desired. When your financial fate lies in the hands of others, you begin to over-analyze the "others" competency levels. The receptionist (who probably got the job I telephone interviewed for) began asking me if I had done this, that, the other thing, filled out that, applied for this. I was beginning to think that I would be turned away due to a lack of correct information, but somehow, I had managed to have everything necessary to allow my passage into a secret office with the Academic Sorcerer.



My Academic counselor, or whatever the correct title used, magically appeared. I was early, and was able to actually get started early. The expression on the woman's face was reminiscent of someone flexing every muscle in their face and neck to prevent the words "I hate fuckin college kids. I hate this stupid office. My support hose are too damn tight. And if the paper in the copy machine gets jammed one more fuckin time, I'm going to staple your eyelids together," from flying out of her mouth in a cheap-coffee fueled rage. I might be exaggerating, but she surely didn't seem friendly. In fact, she never even introduced herself. Come on! That's exactly how I remember my experiences in the advising offices there some 12 years ago. Feeling like you have just ruined some person's day, who, in theory, is supposed to provide you with support and direction. Let's just say my confidence level of this experience being any different is at an exteme low.



My appointment lasted all of about 6 minutes. 6 minutes. And I'm supposed to believe that it took them 5 weeks to find 6 minutes to get my education program started? Sigh. Red tape is a choking hazard. When it's not actually trying to choke me, I feel like choking myself with it. According to the unknown Academic Wizard, I should get word by Monday regarding what happens next.



Afterwards, I headed to the grocery store for a desperately needed trip for food. I had no milk, cereal, eggs, or bread. A few minutes into my trip, I ran into a friend of a friend in the snack aisle. I wasn't shopping for snacks, they have the meat temporarily located in the aisle to the right. The guy is a rep for "Jays" and seems to think I am all that and a bag of chips... sorry, couldn't resist. Too bad the guy is your typical married sleeze, so his 10 minute long charm-fest was a waste of his hormones. He tried to make his ploy to get into my private snack bag a little more honorable by telling me that he married his wife because she was uncomfortable being pregnant and unwed as a teacher. Nice.



I couldn't really afford all of my groceries, but I picked up things that would allow me to make meals out of what I already have, so hopefully this trip will last two months. I had to pay the local grocer's outrageous price for cat food, because it was probably more cost effective than driving across town. I finally swallowed my pride, and put a donation plea on Craig's List for cat food and bird seed, to which my first reply was, "Why don't you feed the birds to the cats. Don't you have a bb gun?" Had I not already known that some smartass would have come up with the same genius answer, I may have found it funny. But when you take a moment to get serious, about seriously humbling shit, having someone make fun of your situation is a tad irritating. I thought of writing some sort of "hope you wind up broke and jobless too" message, but instead chose to reply with, "How sweet of you to say." Sometimes, a manipulative guilt-trip is more thrilling than spewing angry ill will. One very kind woman did reply with advice to contact the Humance Society. Supposedly, they have a food bank for "people like us that are having a tough time." I wrote her back and thanked her for her kindness.



I spoke with Carol "with the longer last name" from the SAC while I was in the dairy aisle. Looks like I'll be meeting with her today, despite feeling an overwhelming need to simply sit on my ass. I'll be leaving here within the half hour.



I have to admit that I do enjoy getting up during the "normal" hours of "normal" people. Enjoying the sunrise... the small hint of importance you feel when you are on the snow-covered road because you actually DO have to be somewhere. And though it could be a week or more, before I have any concrete information as to what I will be doing with my time in the near future, I feel I'll get there... sooner than later. I just have to hope I don't run out of patience first.

"Normal" Person in Training

Monday. My first day as an almost "normal" person. I say this, because I actually had more than one thing on the day's agenda. A rarity for us impoverished, unemployed, single people.

My day began at 8:00 with a call into the unemployment line. I actually got through within the first six minutes, which is a vast improvement over the 45 minute long attempt a few weeks ago. Apparently, they actually are overhauling the system to accommodate the daily growth of the unemployment claims. A small victory for our plight here.

Next: a nap.

Mid-morning, I actually fixed myself something to eat. Well, it was leftovers, but I ate. Made a cup of coffee, and headed out to my ceramics "class." I can't tell you how much I enjoy the people that I craft dirt with. Such a nice mix of life paths, age groups and talent. An all around nice gathering of artistic humanity. I finished prepping one of my plates to dry, and painted an early spring budding tree and grass scene with iron oxide and chromium slips on another. Further affirming my belief that I am, in fact, obsessed with trees, and may have been a Jack Pine in a former life.

After my artsy time, I went downtown to meet with Carol about volunteering with our local Substance Abuse Council. I was quite impressed, and a bit overwhelmed, with the magnitude of programs and events they carry out within the community. I happened to be the only future volunteer at the meeting, joined by another Carol, "with the shorter last name." Both ladies were very personable, and also, very compassionate about my unemployed status. Potentially, while working with them, I may be able to pick up a few paid events, and connect with other non-profit organizations in the community for future employment opportunities. Hallelujah! Hope. Hope is always welcome here in my world!

Next stop: the bank. I had to deposit my graduation check from my California grandparents to make sure that my ceramics class and Art Center membership payment didn't bounce. These next 10 days are going to be so tricky financially... I frankly have no idea how I'm going to pull this one off.

Afterwards, I returned home. Ate dinner. Yep. Leftovers. Cleaned the house. Read my mail... and ironed out the schedule for the week. With so few commitments on deck, you'd think I could keep them straight. But as I said in a previous post... unemployment does terrible things to your mind. I had overbooked Thursday. WHAT? Hilarious. After shuffling things around, I now have something to do every day except for tomorrow.

So this is it. I'm a "normal" person in training. Easing back into the hustle and bustle of Normalville, and reclaiming my place in the community. Quietly letting the world know that I still have something to offer it, and I refuse to be forgotten.

Wondering or Wandering?

It's Saturday afternoon...

After starving myself all morning and into the early afternoon, I finally decided I was worthy of eating. In fear of my own economic collapse, I had frozen some bacon that looked as though it was about to "go bad." Freezing has to kill some cooties, doesn't it? Well let's hope it did, because I cooked it, and ate some. I made scrambled eggs with old onion, and shavings of sharp cheddar cheese, one piece of toast, and bad(?) bacon. Oh, yes, and I am treating myself to a cup of coffee, since I use milk with it, and that is about to expire. "Breakfast" at 2 in the afternoon.

Since tallying my bills the other day, I have had a cloud of anxiety over my head. The freezing temperatures have jacked up the utility bills, despite keeping my heat at 58 or 60 degrees, and using minimal electricity. I can't afford heat, but I also can't afford frozen pipes. Both my gas and electric are double what my budget allows for, and of course, unemployment doesn't give raises. So I am left to wonder how the hell I'm going to stay afloat. Is it time to call the mortgage company? I had already warned them that things could get difficult months ago. Not only is this my first time owning a home, this is my first experience with unemployment, and the first time the whole country is in despair. I can't risk damaging my credit, because thanks to an unethical mortgage deal, I will have to have my house paid for, or refinanced in three years. This may sound pessimistic, but I am simply being realistic... I'll have to refinance.

So here I sit, knowing the mail has just arrived, and I don't want to see what is inside the box. I tried to locate a name for "fear of mail" but apparently no one thinks that is a legitimate phobia. I located articles about fear of mail due to anthrax, but nothing about fear of mail because mail brings bills and economic collapse makes paying bills impossible. Yesterday, I received my car insurance statement, which added another $100 to the monstrous pile of bills I already can't pay by the 4th of February.

I've fallen off the gratitude bus, and find myself in the land of discouragement. Just being honest. This is pissing me off! My graduation money is gone... all to bills. I have no savings. That went to bills too. I'm cutting out everything I can... and it still isn't enough. Businesses are closing everyday... adding thousands more to the unemployment plight. So needless to say, finding a job grows ever more impossible every moment. I have been trying to research starting a business, and one of the first articles I found leads me to believe that to manage property here, I have to have a broker's license. To have a broker's license, you have to have been a full-time real estate agent for three years. I DON'T HAVE THREE YEARS! I have no clue where or how to find the answers I need for free. I can't afford to breathe right now, let alone seek legal advice.

Right now I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly... wasting time. Wasting life. (Cue the music to Margaritaville...) Wasting the days away in Unemploymentville. Searching for my, lost sliver of hope. Some people say that there's an economy to blame... but I know...it's my own damn fault?

What I Learned About Michigan Today...

Considering the old saying "no news is good news," and the fact that I can't really stand to know the true magnitude of economic failure in Michigan... I try not to devote too much time and attention to the local news. It's like knowing there was a terrible car crash, but looking the other way.

But, as I was minding my own mindless business, playing a game of Scrabble against "FlakieFreda57," some local news factoids snuck into my ears and banged on the drums. Here is what I learned about Michigan today:

8,ooo... EIGHT THOUSAND people applied for jobs at the soon-to-be casino, just today; crashing the site temporarily.

1 out of 10 people in Michigan is out of work. (Scrabble anyone?)

According to our genius Governor Granholm, the computer system that maintains unemployment benefits is "so old they don't even make parts for it anymore." Huh. Sounds like you were really on the ball there! Don't tell me no one saw THIS coming. Shit, Jen, next time call me... I've got all day to tell you what isn't working!

Michigan spends more money on prisons than it does on universities, and Michigan non-violent criminals do 127% more time for similar crimes in other states. That's just disgusting...

Almost 30,000 at-risk Michigan youth are not in school, and do not have a job.

Do you think if I call A&E, that they will get Michigan on the show "Intervention?" I'll be damned if it isn't time for one! No wonder everyone keeps encouraging me to get the hell out of here! And... no wonder no one wants to bring their company here to create those desperately needed jobs. If A&E won't take us, maybe Dr. Phil will. Cause it's time to GET REAL!

Riding the Tide

I've been busy! Not busy for most, but busy for me!

These waves of activity and inactivity are very confusing to the mind and body. I may go an entire week without an appointment, and Monday I had three in a row. Things get going in one direction, and then life determines I must change course. I used to be rather opposed to monotony... but now I feel it would be welcome! Can I get a little consistency over here?

Tomorrow morning will be my last day on the remodel. I stopped there today to put a coat of paint on the cabinet framing. To my surprise, the guys had finished most of what was left to be done. So tomorrow, I'll just be touching up the cabinets and tearing down the tape. It is hard to believe that this project will finally be done...

Now what?

Next week, I have an appointment with a woman about volunteering with the Substance Abuse Council, and I also meet with the college to begin mapping out my coursework. From what I understand, I won't be able to begin taking classes any earlier than May, and possibly later than that. Waiting for the red tape of my life to be cut has become quite trying. I'm over it! Time's a wastin' folks! Hopefully, I'll have something to plan for, something to look forward to... soon!

My first day back at ceramics was incredible! There were 5 familiar, friendly and welcoming faces... and mutual "glad to see ya"s! This will be my first time going in with a plan. I'm making a number of plates with the intent of having inventory to sell at the Spring Art Walk. I formed and prepped two to dry and got started on a third. Because I have no job... I will be able to go to the additional 2 hours of open studio on Thursdays. At this pace, I could easily make a dozen plates before the end of the term. If I sell them for $20, I'll make the cost of the "class" back, and have some profit for myself. Pricing them higher is an option, but, the local market wouldn't bear much more. Regardless of my future success, or lack of, it was sure nice to back "playin' in the dirt."

My visit with the decade-long ex was interesting. We had casual conversation, funny conversation... and serious conversation. We tied up a few loose ends from the past, answered a few unanswered questions, and vowed to always be friends.

As I navigate these uncertain waters... I have to remind myself to be grateful that I am still afloat and willing to sail. Things don't always happen according to our own schedules, or desires... I just want to know when I can finally take off this scratchy orange life jacket!

My Cup of Tea

I'm content on my couch, sipping a cup of Irish Breakfast Tea. Reflecting on a day of relaxation and contemplative thoughts.



Enduring the economic crisis, without a job, and at times, without hope, for nine months, has been a powerful experience. And although I don't desire to remain in this state of uncertainty, I can strongly say that surviving this has taught me many valuable lessons, and reaffirmed new discoveries of, and about myself.



This is what I know: Corporate America is not my cup of tea. I realize that there are some good companies out there somewhere, but my personal experiences left me disenchanted. Poor decisions driven by profit alone, disregard for humanity... again solely for profit, hypocrisy... I saw this at all levels. This greed-driven business mindset is exactly what has left many of these very victimized workers out in the cold. Jobless. Hopeless.



I'm no Mother Teresa, but I do believe that people who are treated with respect and kindness work harder. Pride in the environment within which most of us spend some 2,000 hours a year, makes for a happier life. I've lived the unhappy one, in the throes of Corporate America, and now I'm ready to risk the falsified security of working in Corporate America, for a life I can truly call my own.



Some of my lifestyle downsizing was forced upon me, however, I had been heading in the direction of a simpler life for two years. I was never one who valued material things in excess, but I did enjoy many a carefree year in my youth. Buying outfits for events an hour before they occurred, driving new cars, going out, thinking little of throwing something on a charge card... I did it. Changing these irresponsible, and mindless ways, wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. And the rewards of controlling your finances, not being controlled by the lacking of them... amazing!



I pulled myself out of financial ruin, cleaned up my credit and bought a house. Everything was finally going my way...



But was it?



Soon after, I found myself without a job for the first time in 22 years. Well, if you count my paper routes, it was actually 27 years. Fear of losing all that I had worked so hard for began to consume me. Once again, I felt I was controlled by Corporate America. I had to rely on their stability to be able to provide jobs. I had to rely on their wish to employ me. I had to rely on the paycheck to maintain my current life.



Or did I?



Thankfully, I have managed to survive on less than $1,000 a month. I have proven to myself, that I can make it. This experience has not only given me strength, it has provided me with a bottom floor. My current income is my bottom floor. It would be virtually impossible to make less... I could work part time for $8 an hour and still maintain the roof over my head.



My point to be made here, is that I am in a position to take that risk, and pursue my own career. Of course I know it won't be easy, but I doubt that it could get any harder than it has been! Why spend my time searching for jobs that don't exist, or that are about to disappear? Do I really want to ignore all of my personal growth and just fall back into a life that holds little meaning?

No!

My focus will now be on my new found strength, and developing courage... It's time to believe in myself, and stay true to who I am. To cease making accommodations and excuses... It's time.

I know I've been telling you this tale for some time, and I risk boring you of it. But, I've got to continue to process these thoughts. Express them. Make them real. Putting your thoughts on "paper" requires action, and so does personal success.

Knowing is half the battle...

This is Your Brain on Unemployment...

I thought I would stick to this morning's apparent theme, and share a photograph of my brain on unemployment. Okay, so it's really my breakfast, but it serves a dual purpose today. My brain, the egg, as you can see, has been broken apart, and partially demolished. However, the toast, my future, let's say, remains untouched... yet very near my mangled brain. I've literally chosen to consume my brain, rather than taste my future.

Yes, I have problems.

Anyway... I've decided to remain awake for as long as I can today. I've managed to get in a 30 minute workout. I think it is my first one for the entire month of December. Unfortunately, I do not have a "Big Brother" type surveillance system installed in my house, so you are unable to laugh uncontrollably when I attempt aerobic exercise. My 20 pound fluff-ball Maine Coon cat rather enjoys it when his "mommy" goes crazy and runs around the house. To add resistance, I toss him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes, as I walk, or jog, in circles, through the living room, kitchen, and dining room. All the while, he purrs and squeals. Apparently, it wore him out, because he's currently sleeping in the slumped couch cushion that has become concave from his mild obesity.

After my feline-friendly workout, I started making breakfast, and attempted to break through the auto-mated unemployment system on the phone. When my misfortune first began, eight months ago, I could get right through. Today, it took at least twenty tries, and 45 minutes to connect successfully! I began a slight freak-out, wondering if I would connect before my 9 a.m. cutoff time. If that were the case, I would have had to wait until Thursday to call, and Monday to receive my check... potentially making my house payment late. They assign call times according to the last two digits of your social security number. Is my group growing too large for the allotted hour? There is a definite correlation between the increase in unemployment and the ability to access the system. I sense a total collapse, or, at least, reorganization of the system in the future.

While in the kitchen, my Northern male Hairy Woodpecker had settled onto the suet feeder for his own breakfast. I tried, once again, to snap a photo of him, but he flew off. Next comes the seemingly chubby Blue Jay. He escapes without a photograph as well! What is it with these birds? Don't they not know how desperately I need something to do? They must have quite keen eyesight, as they instantly detect my camera-wielding presence on the other side of the window.

That reminds me of a funny tale...

I was on the phone with my friend, Tonya, on the afternoon of the 23rd. I was telling her how I hadn't seen the birds at the feeder lately, and that the damn things won't let me take their picture.

"Mona. Birds fly south for the winter!"

Hilarious! She really didn't know that some species of birds remain local for the winter season. Not surprising, coming from her. She's not much of a nature girl. In fact, the only thing "natural" about her is... is... umm... her desire to eat? Huh. Complete loss, I am at one. It makes me wonder if she is truly that oblivious to anything that doesn't involve cell phones and shopping. As I explained to her that birds, such as my Woodpeckers, Blue Jays, and Cardinals, will remain local as long as there is a constant food source, she replied, "You really need to write a book."

Sure. About birds?


An interesting fact I learned Saturday night, while playing "Malarkey" with some professional bullshitter friends of mine: Woodpeckers do not get headaches from all that pecking because their beaks are not attached to their skulls. Now if any of you win money on "Jeopardy" because you learned this from reading my blog... I will demand 20% of your total winnings.

Today, I made a conscious choice. The choice to be civilized and eat my breakfast at my rarely-used dining room table. I'm not going to lie... I initially headed right for the couch, but the coffee table is a little cluttered from yesterday's lazy-fest. It was when I looked at the stack of Christmas cookie containers, and pair of empty Diet Coke cans, that my brain suggested I sit at the table.

Does anyone sit at the dining table to dine anymore?

My old boss at an electronics retailer decided that families not sitting at the dinner table anymore had contributed to our society's decline. I tend to believe that a bit. Growing up, we rarely sat at a table to eat. My mother even bought a fancy-shmancy oak dining set when the house had been remodelled, and I think we ate at it twice. (Look how I turned out!) The table now only serves as a support system for a bunch of dusty junk, and is unlikely to be used, as intended, ever again. I, on the other hand, have a dining room table that is meal-friendly. It is clean, and clutter free, yet, for some reason, when I eat, I mindlessly head for the couch, and my rump frumps into the cushion.

I'm actually so interested to know if people sit at their tables anymore, that I am going to post a poll... Let me know, HONESTLY, where you consume your meals most often.

Good? Morning

Good Morning "kids."

I'm still up. And I don't know how "good" that is. You see, when I find myself up at pre-normal people hours, I'm left to paid programming, pathetic pondering, and my own devices.

I have to call into the automated unemployment system this morning between 8 and 9 a.m. If I fall asleep now, I'll simply be taking another "nap." If I stay up, I'll surely be doing some napping mid afternoon, which could lead me to staying up until the wee hours... and repeating this insane cycle of sporadic sleep.

I also have an unconfirmed cleaning gig today. I can't confirm it at THIS hour, but if I could, I would certainly entertain the idea of a nap now, to encourage a more normal, productive day. If you would have asked me ten years ago, when I was a misguided, yet employed, late-twenties student/waitress/bartender/manager/administrative assistant, if I planned on being unemployed and cleaning houses once a month in my late 30's... I would have thought YOU to be crazy. Yet, here I am, doing just that. An amateur maid with a college degree, cleaning a friend's grandmother's house in an attempt to make ends meet... this is my life. What happened?

Oh yeah. The entire economy imploded...

I'm watching some show called the "Daily Buzz," and apparently a scientist in Australia is studying the effects of cocaine on honey bees in the hopes of better understanding human cocaine addiction. Huh? Aren't most of us under the impression that the population of honey bees has drastically declined, and therefore a sign of our impending doom? Is a stinger-weilding insect jiffed out on coke really a necessary addition to the madness of our world? I'm probably misinformed, but, I thought we were supposed to be finding ways to save the honeybee population, not turn them into coke-heads. What happened to the simplistic days of "This is your brain on drugs" commercials?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl5gBJGnaXs

Oh yeah. They didn't work.

I think I'll have fried eggs this morning...

M.I.A!

Missing in Action.

Mona in Atrophy.

I have been at a loss for words; and a general loss for true emotion lately. Sleep is inconsistent, and at times: impossible. I awake with non-specific anxiety, and a sore jaw from grinding my teeth while I indulge my "chronic napping*."

What the hell is the answer here?

This is what troubles me.

Being a solution-minded individual, the unconquerable forces of the economy are demolishing my brain! I feel completely powerless! I am able and willing to work! And at this point, some eight months after losing my job to the very economy I speak of, getting a job is critical to my sanity and self worth. I am here to tell you that unemployment is perhaps the most destructive condition I have ever encountered!

One of the most prevalent symptoms is a lack of brain function. I can't remember shit! I might have one important obligation in a week, and I literally have to write it down. After I have written it down, I have to pray to God that I know what damned day it is, in the hopes that I will fulfill my solitary commitment! This is quite disturbing to me, considering I have always managed a very demanding schedule, such as working and attending school full-time.

Another issue is the feeling of unimportance, a lack of relevance in the big, busy, world around you. You are no longer a contributing member of society. No longer contributing to your bank account! Having no social obligations, and no money to attend any, leads to the virtual erasure of your existence. This is not a comfortable nor encouraging feeling!

Add to that, the mandatory negativity! If I were to look at my current situation in an entirely positive light, I would be severely delusional, and possibly committed to the local mental institution. Not my idea of a good time! Therefore, I have to acknowledge that I may NOT find a job for a good long while. I also have to acknowledge that there are thousands of people in the same state of unemployment as myself, that are also competing for the ever elusive jobs that I am applying for. The number of postings are drastically declining, as the rates of unemployment and utility costs skyrocket! This is not an easy battle to fight! It's like going to Iraq with a squirt gun and expecting to come out alive.

I busted my ass to obtain a $36,000 "American Dream." And now the world is trying to convince me that this is not a plausible accomplishment. What?! I'm not trying to live above my means, not trying to impress people with my Lexus, or my Country Club membership. I am simply trying to maintain my financial independence, and keep a tattered-shingle, and occasionally leaking, roof over my head. I refuse to believe that America cannot provide enough opportunities for such a "dream" to exist.

I, also, refuse to believe that the world has forgotten me, and that my place and purpose in this life has been permanently removed. Yet, I fail to find the solution. So I continue to atrophy...

Trial and tribulation has led me to a strong sense of being. I know that if I had my way, I would be a creative professional. A writer. Photographer. Interior re-designer. Quick-witted t-shirt producer... successful smartass. This is all intensely clear to me. However, finding the means to actualize this self-actualization, without a salary or savings account, has muddied my mind.

Damn't!

I have now begun to seek the advice of friends and family to gauge the level of realism of my potential career adventures. The majority of people I speak with seem to agree that I have some level of talent in these areas. I agree that I have the "balls" to give them a shot... I'm just not sold on the notion that I have the financial means to break through the seemingly impenetrable wall between dreams and reality. "I think I can" does not pay the mortgage.

I suppose this multiple-paragraph babble-fest could have started and ended with one question, "Where do I begin?"

"Where DO I begin?"

(chronic napping- Chronic napping occurs when an individual is unable to sleep for periods of time exceeding four hours. This individual is therefore in a chronic state of sluggishness and sleeps sporadically during the day and night. Rest achieved is most consistent with the term "nap." These individuals mimic the symptoms of narcoleptics, but can only dream of dreaming.)