But... Her Worth...

It's the busiest month of the year at work; so busy, that no one is allowed to take vacation during October. And I have committed to another remodel in my "spare" time that has a non-negotiable completion date of October 14th.

Before going to bed last night, I knew I was facing at least four straight hours of meetings first thing. So I went to bed early. Made sense to me. Unfortunately, my body didn't give a shit and decided I would think waking up at 2 a.m. would be a lot of fun. After two and half hours of misery, I drove off in the darkness to the "nearest" 24 hour pharmacy in search of relief... which happens to be clear across town.

I was able to sneak in about one hour of rest before my alarm clock began screaming at me. Fuck. I needed antibiotics; I desperately needed sleep, and had no groceries for lunch... let alone time for breakfast. My chances of having a "good" day were obsolete.

Since I somehow survived my meeting marathon without swearing at anyone, or falling asleep face first in a pile of papers I pretended to take notes on... I decided to do the right thing and get some damned groceries after work. Like most, I'm hyper aware of my finances and still brimming with a little paranoia that they might disappear in the night like the now-mythological "stable" job, so I've limited myself to bare necessities and eliminated "luxuries." Luxuries like things that aren't on sale, or name brand items.

Because I refuse to waste food (and money), I had to buy more syrup for the box of never-ending pancake mix I bought a few weeks ago. I found myself tired, miserable, and dizzy in the syrup aisle... trying to solve the riddle of what bottle to buy. And then, I realized that what I was really searching for was just a drop of simple joy. The simple joy that we find in sometimes the oddest of things... like a bottle of syrup.

When I was a little, and very impressionable, girl... Mrs. Butterworth fascinated me. I admit it, for a brief time in my life, I really believed that she could talk. I remember sitting at the breakfast table staring at "her," wondering what it took to get her to acknowledge me. Obviously, I'm easily amused; but I'm also easily able to find happiness in the simplest of things. So I made an executive decision, and decided that the fond childhood memory of Mrs. Butterworth giving me the silent treatment was well worth the extra 80 cents and I put her in my cart.

I've already gotten my 80 cents worth... When I got home, I was compelled to take her picture, look up the article revealing her mysterious first name, and find one of the old commercials that made me believe in her in the first place on Youtube. Wouldn't you know, her first name is "Joy." You see, it wasn't her price tag... but her worth, that was most important.

http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/dpgo_mrs_butterworths_first_name_revealed_lwf_20091002_3838749

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFQTuIstI6w&feature=related

Hodge-Podge Montage

Either my life really has been exciting, or (more likely) I'm just easily fascinated and hyper-sensitive to virtually anything! I have to choose between a half-dozen epic blogs, or a simple hodge-podge montage of the latest goings-on. Out of respect for whomever might actually read my blog, I'll choose the latter.

So here it goes:

Thursday, I had my first review at work. Originally scheduled for the 25th, the advancement of my review did raise my level of concern from none, to a little. One of my co-workers was supposed to have her review in my new slot, but she had to prepare for her visit with the coroner. Yeah, I work for a place that sends people to a coroner, that actually return alive. I thought the CEO and I would simply go into her office and shut the door, so I headed in there, only to have her say, "Let's go down to Erv's office."

Uh-oh.

Thinking the need for a "secret location" might imply impending doom, my concern level temporarily elevated to "a little more." But for some reason, once we sat down, I came to my senses and realized that the only two things that could require concern would be lack of incoming funding to keep me on staff, or maybe the woman's abrasive demeanor that I assist at times. Knowing that signs for incoming funding were looking positive, and that said woman's abrasiveness is apparent to everyone, maybe even especially the CEO... I sat back, relaxed, and took my last swig of coffee before giving my full attention to my rarely critical critic. Documentation on my review included the phrases: "extremely talented, passion for the welfare of others, incredible creative writing skills, fast-learner, consistently enthusiastic, positive attitude, exceeds expectations, completes tasks on time, excellent communicator." For a moment, I thought she might write "second only to Jesus." I appreciated her comments, and, for the most part, could agree... but I still have not evolved into a person who takes compliments well. Such an odd phenomenon to me! Although they weren't my words, I felt like a braggart. It was time for my standby tactics... deflection!

"I certainly appreciate that, thank you. But I must say, that without you giving me these great opportunities, I could not have accomplished all that I have." This was true. And, in my mind, necessary to say. Gratitude may have gone out of style in our "modern" society, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna give it up!

After our mutual ego-fluffing session, the discussion turned to retention. Ahhhh. The CEO and woman in charge of the financials of the organization have always been forthcoming about the funding challenges of the non-profit sector and have made it clear to me that my job is only guaranteed through the end of the fiscal year: September 30th.

Discussion of the status of existing funding sources, and pending funding sources, was then followed by the pivotal statement,

"What you are doing for us is critical to our mission."

Critical. Excellent! However, the emphasis on "you" eluded to the fact that someone on staff was doing things that were not critical. I suspect this person/position might be the one that appears to be training for the "Facebook Marathon," or writing a mystery novel titled, "What Time is She Supposed to Show Up For Work?" All the while I've worked there, I have prudently chosen to mind my own business regarding these behaviors. They are a tight knit group of 5 great woman, who were certainly content with the way things were before I arrived. Despite her unprofessional behavior, I truly like this woman; but I have secretly pondered how jaded I would feel if my job were cut instead of hers if funding weren't available for both, because honestly, she takes her job for granted. Easier for her to do, because she is married, and, therefore, is not the sole source of income for her household. Me, I'm just one of those people who likes to do my very best, no matter what the task. I simply find it more enjoyable. Add to that the tramautization of 10 months of unemployment-fueled financial doom... and you get a guarantee that I am going to bust my ass at work!

But how awkward will it be, if she loses her job after 6 years, and I get to keep mine after 6 months?

Things got even more interesting when the CEO announced her intentions to groom her current manager of finances to eventually take her position. Interesting because... she is the sister-in-law of the woman who might get the axe while I stay on.

And that's that on the work front. Moving on, albeit randomly...

Today was my cousin's birthday. Initially we weren't supposed to celebrate until Sunday, but my aunt sent me a text message asking to go to lunch for his birthday. Lunch?! Hooray! I didn't eat breakfast! I'm starving! We had a gloriously gluttonous lunch, complete with "Brownie Blasts." My once empty stomach was now uncomfortable bursting. I love self-torture.

After we ate, we happened upon a hot pink "Garage Sale" sign, and soon found ourselves on some sort of impromptu treasure hunt! It was getting to be late in the afternoon, which, according to my aunt, meant the "good stuff" was probably already gone; and for the most part she was right. But... at about the third stop, in the "rich people's neighborhood" I happened upon some items I actually wanted! I found an old weathered barrel, similar to, but smaller than the one I sweet-talked my mother out of and turned into an interesting planter; and two antique wooden folding chairs whose tone and tatteredness lent just the right amount of character that thrills coveters of all things old. Since the chairs had the right vibe about them, and, I'm inviting people over after my art show in less than three weeks, I couldn't have been happier! I scored all three items for a mere $7! Nice!

After returning home with my treasures, I briefly entertained the thought of travelling to see a "Loverboy" concert. Yep, I said "Loverboy." I had no idea they were playing (or even still alive) until I heard a radio interview on my way to work in the morning. I'm admittedly a fan of some of their take-you-right-back to the 80's songs, but my main desire was to satisfy the curiosity as to whether the lead singer was going to wear those infamous red leather pants onstage. However, my curiosity wasn't strong enough to motivate me to endure the tedious task of finding someone else who would actually want to go, nor the humiliation of ridicule from those who did not want to.

What did I do instead? Hold on to your shorts... I scraped paint from what must have been some blind man's previous attempt at painting the trim off of my garage windows. Oh, and I had a near two hour "teleconference" with an old boss and good friend of mine, covering such crucial topics as: how her relationship with the older man was going, her rollerblade marathon, my romantic life (or lack thereof), some bizarre story of her friend selling her underwear to a stranger for $200 in Vegas ten years ago, and whether or not our cats were clinically "fat."

Currently, I'm curled up on the couch watching "Whale Wars." A rather exciting episode, as they have rammed the factory ship and damaged their hull. Oh yeah! My weekend is off to a wild, wild start!

Wrapped up in my consuming work deadlines, and dizzied with elevated barometric pressure for a week straight, I failed to think of weekend plans! I'm sitting with Chester at 1 p.m. tomorrow... having a late afternoon barbecue for my cousin's birthday on Sunday... but what about Saturday night? I think I ought to look into that!

Devastation!

Laurens De Groot on "Whale Wars" just said he's going to spend some quality time with his girlfriend when they arrive to port. Doesn't he know that I am his girlfriend? Men. Such confused creatures they are. (wink)

So... I guess that's the it of it for now... but I sense serious Saturday randomness on the horizon. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Serendipitous Coincidence

Life has a funny way of telling us the things we really want to know, quietly sending us the answers to questions our human minds find impossible. After waking up Saturday morning with my mind full of wonder, jaw sore from anxiety-driven teeth grinding... the answers slowly came to me.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time alone, and had an unplanned dinner with my mother, brother, aunt and cousin.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time at home, until I picked mulberries with my neighbor, watched the groundhogs play, witnessed two baby doves learn how to fly, fixed my fountain bird bath that I had written off as broken, gave a neighbor I had never met before free tickets to a ball game, and helped my brother mulch my mother's yard.

I felt, perhaps, that I wasn't living up to my potential, then I finished reading the book, "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell.

I was feeling like the meaningful things in life seem to be lost in the rush of attainment and status... wondering if I was fooling myself with a false contentment in my non-material world; and I watched the movie "Seven Pounds."

I picked fresh blackberries from the vine. Planted flowers. Danced with the wind and sun for an entire Sunday afternoon. Profound? No. But somehow, these simple occurrences settled my mind. I feel a great sense of calm and contentment. I might not be able to provide a detailed map of where I'm going... or an elaborate agenda of what I'm doing... but I know that it's right.

Enlightened...

I forgot to mention my Saturday with Chester!

Since beginning my visits with Chester, I've been concerned about his daily life. Physically he is well cared for, but I worry that his emotional well-being might be suffering. I'd love to be able to get him outside, to move him about the house, but I can't manage that on my own. I can be pretty lazy at times, but the thought of being confined to a bed or a recliner every day of my life seems rather depressing!

This past Saturday, his weekly caregiver, and my friend Pat, stopped by, and I noticed that Chester spoke freely to her. So after she left, I pulled a chair up next to his bed and started talking to him. He gave me a very cute puzzled look and asked, "Do I know you?" I make a point to tell him who I am when I arrive, so he doesn't get spooked because there is a stranger in the house, but I now realize that although he is coherent at the moment, I don't feel his mind retains the present. He'll ask who I am 15 minutes after I've told him my name, but when it comes to the past, his memory seems very clear. He told me where he went to college, and that he had a master's degree. He told me he played basketball and golf. And he even said, "You sure are good-lookin'!" Ha! My favorite moment speaking with Chester was when I told him that if he needed anything he could yell at me, "I'll let ya," I said. He smiled... a big warm smile.


It was so sweet talking with him, especially since he hardly speaks with his wife and daughter. They have been very worried about his silence and were surprised when I told them about our conversation. I left out the "good-lookin'" part, of course. When I told them that he said he went to the University of Michigan, had a master's degree, golfed, and played basketball, they knew he was speaking... and that he remembered things. There was a true expression of happiness and relief on their faces... a gift to them... and a gift to me.

I'm disappointed in myself for not speaking more with him before, but now that I see how much he welcomes a conversation, I'm going to make a point of speaking with him every visit. I could see how easily someone might just give up, and let go... when they think the world is just passing them by. He's got a bed sore from his chair, and I don't think he enjoys being in the bed all day... so I'd really like to boost his spirits. I wish I had a video camera to capture his conversations for his family to treasure in the event that he passes; a way to capture the moments they don't see. It's hard to explain why I feel so attached to these people, and why I feel such a need to see that Chester's days are happy ones; but it is one of those "gut" feelings that you simply can't ignore.

I'm IN

What a great day!

The boys have been hard at work, yesterday and today. All tile is up, and the grouting has begun. The only painting I have left to do is in the bathroom and kitchen. The light at the end of the tunnel is on... and boy is this place looking great!

Mid work day, I received the call I had hoped for from the art center! The instructor personally called to tell me he approved my participation in the ceramics workshop. He's an absolutely wonderful man in his mid-seventies. Very talented and inspiring. Somehow I snow-blowed everyone into thinking I have some artistic gift in cermics... so they allow me to play with the big guns.

This workshop costs money, of course, and I'm using some of my graduation money on it. I may mass produce some plates and recoup my expenses at a future art event. What matters most to me, however, is getting back in there and playing in the dirt. Taking that class was the first major step I took two years ago towards reclaiming my inner artist. A step that brought me that much closer to happiness I hadn't felt in years.

So Monday's agenda is now full. I'm treating myself to a much-needed haircut (it's been 16 weeks!) at noon, ceramics class at one, and whatever with Andy and a time to be determined. Not wanting to have any unfinished business come Monday... I'll be picking up the pace at the remodel.

I'm IN!

Rambling Grapefruit Diet Job Hunting

The New Year always brings an onslaught of diet and fitness information, as most of us become suddenly aware of a bulge here, and a jiggle there. Being a bit rebellious to any behaviors done en mass (musicals give me the creeps!), I've always followed my own haphazard diet and fitness plans.

But, now I am unofficially on a grapefruit diet.

Actually, my mother just happened to leave me a big bag of grapefruits and I can't afford groceries. So, I'll be eating grapefruits daily. If I suddendly become slimmer and trimmer and get offered to do the cover of a fitness magazine, hey, I won't complain.

I had forgotten how much I love the smell of grapefruit. How fun it is to cut out the little triangles before you enjoy the sugar-sprinkled slices. It left me wondering why I don't enjoy them more often.

I'm "slacking" today. The two guys that are doing work on the rental with me are off on another job. This puts some of my work on hold. However, I think I will be able to reassemble the front room, and finally have something on the "completed" list. I'll be heading over there as soon as I get done rambling here.

The rash on the back of my neck had me miserably scratching in my sleep. I was "blessed" with sensitive skin, so the cause of it could be as simple as my oversized, paint-covered T-shirt irritating my neck as I paint. Of course, I have no benadryl creams here, so I'll have to do my best to try and ignore its existence.

I thought it best to job search last night. I hadn't logged on to many job posting sites between Christmas and the New Year. There was actually quite a high number of postings, however, the majority of them were either for the U.S. Army, or physical therapy. It was, yet another, fruitless mission.

The news just reported that the number of people leaving the state had doubled last year and exceeded the number of people moving in. It will never cease to amaze me that somehow our state government made enough poor choices to make this beautiful state undesirable to live in. But, hey, I may soon have the entire state to myself! As much as I would love to have a house out in the mountainous wonder of Colorado, I can still appreciate all of the natural beauty good ol' Michigan has to offer. The only thing people seemed to be interested in, as of late, was our water. Our governor had to put protections in place to prevent our water from being "bootlegged." Have these people never enjoyed a summer of swimming, sailing, and water-skiing? Michigan provides such a beautiful backdrop for a lovely vacation... yet no one seems to want to visit. Are they afraid they won't be able to get back out? Afraid that they will be mugged by the thousands of struggling unemployed people?

My aunt and uncle suggested, again, that I consider moving out of state. My aunt "would hate to see (me) stuck here." Stuck? I don't view myself as stuck. Stubborn and determined, maybe. You see, I've never been driven by money. I realize this could, and probably has caused me problems, but it's just who I am. Sure there are 49 states that are doing much better than Michigan, but I can't justify moving away from my family and friends just for money. Besides, I don't have the money to travel to another state and stay in a hotel while I job hunt/interview. I don't have money to move or put a deposit on an apartment. Odds of finding someone to buy my house would surely be stacked against me, finding renters is even a challenge for property owners here. And, unless I would be able to guarantee that I would have enough money and time to travel home to see my family, there is no way I would consider moving.

I've simplified my life and spending enough to make supporting myself a pretty inexpensive task. Is my house my "dream home?" No. Is it out in the wilderness, tucked away from the shuffle of city life? No. But, it's mine, and it was a dream. I had gotten myself into such a financial mess in the past that I literally thought being 40-something and living in my mother's creepy spider-infested basement was all I had to look forward to. I've put my own personal touch on the walls and decor and made the most of some of the outdated features. I'm actually quite fond of my house, and letting it go; giving up; just doesn't sit well with me.

Will I stay here forever? Probably not. My semi-delusional vision foresees me finding the way to financial stability and seeking out my mountainous paradise. But that is then, and this is now.

For now, I must continuously remind myself to be grateful for what I do have, and find some sort of comfort in knowing that most people don't get where they are without a lot of hard work. I've always been a hard worker, but this is the first time I've worked hard for myself. Sure it frustrates me that I can't easily find a job, and worrying about the future has caused me a great bit of grief. But, I've proven to myself that I can survive, and most importantly, that I want to.

I spent 28 years of my life doing what other people thought I should. Once I began to figure out who I was and what I wanted, the "getting there" seemed impossible. And although I have yet to officially "make it," freeing myself from the pain and confusion of a life unfullfilled has provided me with a strength I never thought I'd have.

Being 37, unwed, childless, and unemployed, doesn't exactly define "accomplished" to most. But, reflecting on how misguided, misfortunate, and miserable I used to be... I've come a long way, baby! I've managed to cling to hope when there ought be none, and I have more of a drive to not only survive, but to eventually thrive, than I have ever had in my entire life.

Speaking of drive, I'd better drive my ass to the rental unit and get to work!

Releasing the Ghost

I'm back! Safely returned from a two-day journey into the seclusion of the wintry wilderness. My dad's side of the family (minus Dad, of course), and a few friends rang in the New Year together in a semi-rustic cabin. We "roughed-it" in our long underwear, sleeping bags, sweatshirts, boots, hats and gloves. Most of us skipped out on technology and the fanciness of city life the entire time.

The place we stayed at is located on the grounds of a camp that was established in 1904. My grandmother, who turned 87 during our trip, was the camp nurse for some 30 or more years there. A legend in her own right. She took my brother and I there every August when we were kids, and it always brings back fond memories. Simply hiking the snow-covered trails, and snapping pictures of the birch trees while searching for driftwood, brings me a simplistic joy that I look forward to.

We shared many laughs. Some at the expense of my sauced-up brother, and others at the thought of eating the "poisonous" meatballs that had been left out over night. I got to spend some quality time with my three younger cousins, which was probably my favorite part of the trip. They are smart, talented, and very personable. However, we are so far apart in age, that life circumstances hadn't allowed us to spend much time together. The last night of the trip, two of them joined me in trying to spook the relatives that were inside with an illuminated resuscitation dummy head. (That's the "ghost" in the photo.) We were crawling through the snow, sneaking around corners, and trying not to giggle too loud. Just plain silly fun.

I debated posting a "recap" of 2008... but I decided to just let it be. It wasn't the best year for most of us, and 2009 is likely to be a bit of a challenge as well. I've decided to make the popular choice of hoping for the best and start this year fresh and new. In fact, I haven't made any concrete decisions, or resolutions, for this New Year of ours. I have some vague goals... and that's about it!

My immediate plans for January are to meet with the necessary people at the college to sort out my financial aid and select either "Human Services," or "Paralegal," for my path of study. I'll also likely be enrolling in the ceramics class I had taken previously. My remodelling "client" has asked me to work on a recently vacated apartment, and also assist her in marketing the one I had just finished. So... I have some things to look forward to!

I'm releasing the "ghost" of 2008, and I will not let it haunt me. I may reflect on the strange and funny things that happened, but I'm making a conscious effort not to dwell on the negative, or live in the past. Time continues to move forward, and I'm going to hop on board.

Hallelujah!

I JUST got a call for a telephone interview with the local college. The position is only part-time, but I'd be more than thrilled to have a job! Another bonus: it's a five-minute drive from home. My interview isn't until December 3rd, but it's the first offer for an interview that I've received since September!

Unfortunately, it's been so long since I applied that I do not recall what the pay rate is. I sent in my resume, cover letter and application on October 18th. Jobs are so few and far between that employers literally receive hundreds of applications, and therefore take 30 or more days to sort through them. This is why I feel such an urgency to find work. According to my estimations it will take:

A minimum of four weeks to review applications
A minimum of one week to interview candidates
Two weeks to receive my first paycheck

This equals 7 weeks. 7 weeks from now, I will be at the end of my unemployment extension! Not a place I want to be. Not a place I CAN be.

I've only lived in my house a little over one year. I'd like to hang onto it for awhile. Have the time to truly settle in and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I'm not asking for much out of this life. My "American Dream" consists of a $36,000 mortgage, and a ten year old car. Surely, at 37 years old, this is not "too much." I've never required extravagance. I'm simply trying to provide a roof over my head, and a sense of security. Food on the table, and love in my heart.

And I'm going to hang on to the belief that this dream is actually coming true. Slowly, but true.

Merry...

Ahhhh. I feel good.

Taking the weekend off was a great move. I lounged around throughout the morning, and watched a not-so-memorable movie. Can't even remember the name of it! I do, however, remember the sense of peacefulness I had, curled up with my cozy blanket and a cup of tea.

Mid-afternoon, I ventured into my creepy basement to retrieve the Christmas tree and decorations. I swear they could film "Arachnophobia 2" down there! Thankfully, spiders don't spook me, I just keep my eye out for the ones that look like they could mortally wound me with their venom. One such guy was zig-zagging on the second big box of branches, and I ran him off. I'd rather not wake up to him snacking on my flesh!

A few hours later, the tree was up! Complete with the lights, pine cones, and bulbs. At the top are my two "love squirrels." I place them facing each other... encouraging the blossoming of their affection, and secretly hoping for my own.

I've always found a sort of magical warmth in the glow of a Christmas tree... and I'm very happy that I didn't choose to forgo its erection because of my trying financial times. I need this. I deserve this. Besides, what's $5 extra on the electric bill in the big scheme of life?

Survived!

Well, I survived my journey to the neighboring city in pursuit of a position at the packaging facility! The 6:00 a.m. news reported that there were already people in line, so I was afraid I'd be standing in a miles-long line for hours... in the rain. I arrived at 7:45 a.m. for the 9:00 a.m. "casting call." The line was long and the rain was steady.

A local news crew arrived and a reporter asked me if I was there for a specific job. I informed her that I was there for one of the ten positions and had been there Wednesday. She was shocked when I told her I had been job searching for seven months.

Thankfully the line moved along quite well. When I approached the door, the reporter asked if she could interview me. I said "Sure! As long as I don't have to leave the line." And just as the camera guy was approaching, I was shuffled in the door. I would have loved the chance to tell my story, which happens to be the same story as the thousands of people out of work in this state. But, getting a job took precedence over my "15 minutes."

I turned in my yellow pass, the Golden Ticket; filled out the application, and approached the application-collector-guy. As I was walking up, I heard him say that you could put your resume inside the application. Excellent! I had my cover letter and resume (on the expensive fancy paper) I had printed on Tuesday night with me... so I slipped it inside the application. Nice to see my expensive copies put to good use.

As I exited the building, I heard a tumbling and shuffling of the rocks near the doorway. A man had fallen. A worker nearby asked if he was okay. He immediately stood up and moaned. "Ohhh. That can't be good for my back. Ohhh... my back." Is this guy injured, or guaranteeing that he'll get money either from a job or a lawsuit? In this economy, I wouldn't be surprised if someone would resort to such a thing! He didn't seem to CPR, so I continued to my vehicle.

As I was getting in the car, I noticed some antique windows propped up against a fence. A contractor was in the doorway of the house. "Are these free?" I asked. "For a pretty lady, sure! Doesn't it say they are free?" I hadn't noticed the writing on the cardboard sign, as the rain had washed it away. I had been wanting some old windows to hang in the house, and these were even painted in the right colors! SCORE!

As I drove off, I wondered if I should have seized the opportunity to publicly plea for a job on the news. The "what ifs" and "should I's" started running around in my mind. I was miles away along the wet highway, and still wondering. I just have to believe that my miracle, a job, is on its way.

Now, all I can do is... pray. Hard.

A Walk in The Park...

Sunday. The "Day of Rest."

I slept well, and slept in. Woke up feeling energized and ready to seize the day. A walk to the park nearby was planted in my head as the first thing on my list of things to do for the day. So I geared up in some jeans, tennis shoes, a long sleeve t-shirt and hooded sweatshirt. Topped off my outdoorsy ensemble with a fleece beanie and headed out the door.

I was surprised and slightly ashamed at how quickly I made it down there. Why hadn't I walked down there throughout the summer? Oh yeah. Not supposed to live in the past or beat myself up for the "would have" should haves!"

Anyway, it was a beautiful adventure. The rustling in the bushes, birds singing in the trees... and the leaves turning vibrant shades of red. I even had a groundhog cross the trail ahead of me, and it reminded me of my recently deceased backyard friend. I had taken my camera and took advantage of the surrounding beauty by snapping over twenty photos. My beautiful adventure was a quiet walk, hand-in-hand with Mother Nature herself. And just what I needed for the day.

I'm really trying to take a better approach at life. To better celebrate each gift the new days bring. Sure I might not have any money to spend, but my spirit soothing stroll didn't cost me a dime. A lot of life's great joys are free! And speaking of free... on a whim I decided to seek out a piano on Craig's List last night. And by 4 p.m. today, I had one! And if my luck wasn't already pouring over the brim... I ran into a friend of mine that happily offered to help me move it from the woman's house to mine! So before my decision to learn the piano or guitar even had a chance to fade away, I had to replace it with the final plans to make it a reality! I should be clunking and plunking away on it by Monday of next week!

I'm In Love...

What an absolutely wonderful time my cousin and I had! I haven't laughed that much and that regularly in the course of one day in far too long! The weather was great! The people of the city were nice and welcoming. The hotel, a "Hilton," was very nice... and don't they have the most comfortable beds in the world! Too bad I was busy soaking in all of the fun and didn't spend much time in it!

The location of the show: The Embassy Theater in Fort Wayne, Indiana. This venue is definitely a must-see for anyone who appreciates history and intricate architecture! Gorgeous! A very nice size too! We had no issues getting in or out of the concert, and I didn't even have to wait a half an hour in a mile long line to pee in a dirty bathroom strewn with toilet paper! Nope! You were next in line at the Embassy!

We saw BEN FOLDS and the Fort Wayne Philharmonic Orchestra! Phenomenal show! The orchestra played a nice mix of classical and contemporary music. My favorite being the Beatles medley. Now Ben Folds... if you aren't a Ben Folds fan, you should be. I don't think I have ever been more impressed with a performer's connection and interaction with the crowd. You got a sense that he truly loves his fans, especially when he invited the crowd to sing in a few songs... even stopping to teach the right key! His music is unique, creative, witty and fun. His piano playing: AMAZING!

Afterwards, we walked to a nearby pub so my cousin could have an "adult" beverage. The conductors from the show happened to be there. We yucked it up a bit with the locals and some of the Philharmonic talents, and then headed to another place for a bit. I, being the ass that I am, actually stopped on the empty dance floor and indulged in a little gratuitous booty shaking on the way out. My ass hadn't seen a bar or a dancefloor in years. It was good for a laugh from the crowd! I'll never see those people again anyway!

Before we left town we ate at "Tuscani's" (downtown Fort Wayne). I was so hungry I could hardly read, so I went right to the item that said "voted best pizza." The "hand-pinched sausage" pizza. Us pizza lover's are pretty serious about our pizza... so I figured it had to at least be good. And was it ever! The cheese! The crust! The sauce! LOVE! I'm in love with a pizza!

Can't say enough about the time I had. Beautiful in so many ways. I'll never forget it! I needed that escape so badly! However, I am quite tired from all of the elation, and still sorting through the treasured memories... so I will leave it at that for now. Goodnight kiddos!

Destination

We're heeeeeeeeeeere!

I'm so excited, I couldn't sleep!! Now, I can't eat. Picked at a gigantic salad from Lonestar and ate some pretty gross soup... but that's okay! At least my stomach won't be hanging over my pants! I hope.

Two hours to showtime! Sweeeeeet!

And I Just Can't Hide It!

I'M SO FUCKIN EXCITED I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!

GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

PINCH ME!

Hey. I liked that! Pinch me again, on the ass this time...

(temporary insanity)

A New Perspective

In twelve hours... twelve hours... I will be escaping this God-forsaken town for an entire day!!!! I am so excited! For one day, I am going to do everything in my power to forget my current circumstances! I'm going to break free from this brutal bondage of bullshit, and live it up!

In honor of my breakout... I have purchased some special glasses that allow me to see things from a new perspective. They will look better with my outfit I'm wearing tomorrow... but I thought you readers might like a peek. (See photo)

We're gonna have a HOOT!!!!!!

p.s. Happy Birthday to Scott!!

Beautiful. Bouncing. Checks.

Well... it looks like my hopes of becoming a "normal" person again and sleeping during the night are a little hopeless. However... basking in the warm glow of thoughts of a sweet, charming man... paired with the drifting scent of a vanilla candle... led me to write a lovely poem about him.

Oh, how I love pure, consuming inspiration.

On the not so romantic and beautiful side of life... I've hit a couple bumps in my checking account. My $184 electric bill tipped the balance and led to an overdraft. I'm not one who bounces checks. So I got in the car and drove to the bank in the dark of early morning to prevent that worry from interfering with my deperately needed sleep.

Four weeks left of unemployment. Money isn't stretching far enough anymore... I have to, with the help of a miracle, perhaps, find an answer to this current puzzle. Fast. Avoiding the breaking news of the troubled financial state facing the entire country... a miracle is what I have left to hope for.

Reconnected, and it feels so gooood!

True confession. I'm going to risk grossing all of you out... but the main theme of this blog is raw honesty... so hear it goes:



I don't think I showered since Wednesday. Now, there are two reasons for this. One, the practical... I'm broke and can't afford to waste water, shampoo, conditioner, and soap for the sake of smelling like fresh picked flowers from a spring garden when I'm just going to alternate between laying on the couch and sitting up in bed. Two, I'm broke, can't afford to do much, and I live alone so I cannot commit a criminal act by olfactorally violating another. Who cares if I smell? (I really don't get that stinky! I promise!) And wait... shouldn't that be like 5 or 6 reasons...



Anyway... I read the paper I pilfered from my mother around 3 p.m. and I see the listing, once again, for the FREE "Spoken Word" Poetry event at an art institute in the neighboring city. I had forgotten that I had wanted to go. It was at 6 p.m. Deciding I had better do my best to prevent permanent fermentation of my being, I thought it wise to attempt to go.



Not sure if I really had any "weirdo arty" friends... I went through my contacts list on the cell phone... Adam! Yes! He's weird! He's a used-to-be-still-should-be musician friend of mine I hang out with about once or twice a month. I call him and leave a message with the details of the weirdo art event.



Shit! I should take a shower in case he calls back and says he wants to go. I raise my arm straight into the air and take a quick sniff... event or no event, I NEED to take a shower!



No sooner do I emerge from the shower and begin to place my terry turban on my head... the phone rings... second ring... I'm feeling urgency... third ring... I'm running naked to the bedroom to get my robe... fourth ring... I'm half-naked with my lime green robe draped on one arm... curtains open and desperately answering a call from a number I don't know.



"Hello?"



"Hi, is this Mona?"



"Yes."



"Hi. This is Patty. I'm calling about your resume for the Medical Office Receptionist/Medical Assistant position. Do you have a moment for a few questions?"



Hoping she doesn't wonder why I'm gasping for breath as I adjust my toppling terry turban, lime green robe and thoughts... "Sure, that would be great!"



Patty had emailed me this morning about my resume. Apparently, she only received my cover letter and had wanted to see my resume. This is GREAT! That means I must have written a damn good cover letter for her to take the time to contact me and seek out my resume. I'm feeling good!



She asked me some of the typical things, like "What interests you about this position," "What did you like most/least about your last job?"



I tell her that one of the things I liked about my job was that I didn't have any description or official duties and I just did whatever needed to be done, whether it be manage the books, call clients or clean the bathrooms.



"I was very impressed with your cover letter. Let me tell you a few things about the job and see if you are still interested."



Adam's calling on the other line... I'm struggling to listen to Patty as her words were chopped up by the beeps.



She was thrilled that I mentioned cleaning the bathrooms and explained that it was a small practice and everyone takes turns with those types of things. Fine! That's how it should be!



To shorten it up... things went very well over the phone! She asked if I would stop in and fill out an application, provide a copy of my driver's license and a reference from my last job. I can do that! And I will first thing Monday morning!



Adam and I left for the spoken word event. I was excited because I secretly want to participate in one! I was expecting something somewhat stuffy because it was being held at an institute of arts. What a trip! The event, although creative, was very disorganized, and frankly a little bizarre! The first poet began reading, the last minute booked band playing too loudly to really hear his voice... but I did hear "bowel movement" after a few stanzas! What? Some words and phrases taken out of context from the poets that followed: "whips out his cock," "sucking on the sugar tit," "from the ovary of a one-year-old," "the fish, wedged in my ribs, and licking my kidney..." These spoken word poems were supposedly about the author's response to local artworks about nature in the area. Did someone slip me some acid or is this shit really trippy? Adam and I exchanged a few "wtf" glances throughout the event. A couple of the poets actually managed to make some sense without talking about death, maggots, and genitalia... and were actually rather moving.

In steps my "arrogance," if you will. I can do this! In fact, I could do it better... and I think someday soon, I might.

We followed the event up with a trip to a hip sushi joint. And in the spirit of newness... I ordered a "Fried Spider" appetizer (fried soft shell crab)! Our meals and conversation were inspirational. I feel like I finally made a much-needed reconnection to who I am and what I am searching so desperately for.

A little gift...

I gave myself a little present today. I gave myself a little bit of me. I sent myself outside with a lawn chair, a book, and a dream. A dream to put a little joy and inspiration back into my soul. The sky was painted with puffy white pillows of mystery, the sun of a comforting warmth. I laid back on the chair, opened the book... and my mind... while the shifting winds made love to my body.

I soon remembered how simple my pleasures are. How I revel in the mysterious workings of nature. How quickly strange little bugs take over your book, if you dare put it down. How I dream up the love story of the cardinals that visit my feeder. How I love the uncertainty of a creaking branch in the breeze... the path of a white butterfly.

Drifting carelessly like a cloud, radiating like the sun, unpredictable... like the direction, and intensity of the wind... I embrace my little package of joy and inspiration.