Last Day of Hibernation

Just as Spring is slowly approaching here... soon to be busied with bees, blossoming flowers, and slow growing blades of green grass; my life is soon to be busied with three jobs.

My "formal interview" on Friday (the 13th no less) consisted of "Nancy gave me the go-ahead to hire you, you start immediately." Huh? What? Whoa! I envisioned a long, somewhat boring, and tedious question and answer session with the typical hidden-motive psychologically analyzed blah-blah babble that most job interviews consist of. Afterwards, an offer presented, followed by me requesting the weekend to think it over. Funny how life never unfolds the way we wish it to.

My first thought after being arm-twisted into a permanent full-time job with excellent benefits and virtually guaranteed advancement opportunities, was "Carole is going to shit her pants!" Carole is the director I have been working most closely with at my part-time job. Project activity for the organization peaks through April, and the intention of them hiring me was to "prevent Carole from going crazy." I love the people I work with there, and I love the work that I do... but I also love financial stability. This is one of those times where I have to do something I'm not well-practiced in... doing what is best for me.

Crap.

Driving home from my interview Friday, I thought I might vomit on my dashboard! My mind was racing with the "what ifs," "what do I says" and "what are they gonna dos." I can't abandon the part-time job without notice. That's not an option for personal and professional reasons. They have been very good to me, and of course the pay is going to be hard to let go off. My new job has agreed to work around my existing commitments with the part-time job for my training, and may, may, if I'm lucky, allow me to work a four ten hour day work week... if so, I'll try to stay on at my part-time job once a week. I'll still sit with Chester on Saturdays. It's only three hours... and I adore them. I couldn't possibly take that joy away from Virginia. That one is an investment in karma.

So three jobs. Three jobs is the plan. In preparation for my intense week ahead... I've decided to hibernate today. My last day of hibernation. I wonder if bears are aware of their last day in the cave... and if they dread the busy days that await them? I'm going to have to learn a new job, new co-worker personalities, new on the way to work traffic patterns, fill out more tax forms... quit my beloved afternoon ceramics, figure out whether or not to still pursue the free tuition and schooling; have a painful discussion with my part-time job and negotiate a way to stay on with them... and hope that I am making the right decisions. I barely had enough time to adjust to the job I have... and now I've thrown another one into the mix.

What I just can't seem to accept yet, nor really celebrate, is the fact that in just a month or so... my financial stress may very well be over. I might actually be able to think about the future, instead of obsessing about how to make the most of $14 in food stamps so I can pay my heat bill. It still hasn't sunk in that I have the part-time job. How can I expect this to sink in?

"For all I know, they could say 'We were just kidding!' when I get to work on Monday morning." I told Virginia and her daughter on Saturday. Not very optimistic, I know, but I'm sure everyone can agree that these are very uncertain times in life. Realistic. I'm being realistic. And doubtful. Skeptical. Whatever non-believing adjectives you choose...

What I can do, is take it easy this last day. The last day of which I am certain about the goings on in my life. If I would have known they were going to throw the job at me on Friday... I might have planned some big to-do... a last hurrah before I jump into a three job, six day work week. It's been over four years since I have taken a vacation, and a solid year since affording one has even been remotely possible. It's going to pay off right?

Back to the "cave" of comforters, snacks, and semi-bad Sunday movies...

Testy Telethon?

STILL...
UP.

Oh... Mona, Mona, Mona.

I'm pretty drained and looking a bit disheveled, but I have certainly used my time wisely. I've been on the phone with my cell phone company, mortgage company, electric company, gas company, unemployment office, the local college, my assistance case worker... all in the name of survival! I'm swallowing my pride and applying for any and all types of assistance available to me, in preparation for a long, hard, winter. And, the worse case scenario: no job, and no unemployment benefits at the beginning of frosty February.

I pray to God I don't get to that point.

I'm hoping that all of this ground work will take a bit of the edge off of the financial fear that often keeps me awake at night. Every last person I spoke with had a tone of true concern and sympathy in their voice. In the midst of menstrual hormone hell, I shockingly only choked up a couple times. However, when I spoke with my mother, I couldn't hold it back any longer, and I think I even said "fuckin'." All of this stress and frustration pressurizes at the bottled-up bottleneck, putting a definable discomfort around my heart. I don't want to cry about it... but I can't let it all just build up, either. One of these days, I will accept that it is okay to cry. Right?


This has been a powerful and painful lesson. I am FORCED to ask for help. Something I could not and would not do willingly in the past. If I do not ask for, nor accept help, I will be cowardly forfeiting all that I've worked for. Throwing in the towel on myself. A few years ago, I may have done just that.

Now? I refuse.

The Drag... Racing

What a drag!

I'm trying not to have an endless pity party, but I'm really running out of gas here. My friends are too busy, my bank account is too empty. I'm struggling to find things to do. I'm lonely. Bored.

For some reason, "R" is not talking to me. I have no clue why, and left him a message inviting him to talk about it. All I can figure, is that when he asked if I was looking for a relationship, that he didn't like my answer. I was freaked out! It was too soon for that conversation! But, we went from talking daily, sometimes for over an hour... to not at all, with no explainable occurrence. He was a nice guy, and maybe down the road, I would have considered a relationship with him. He was just driving a little too fast for my comfort.

I went to the grocery store for excitement today. Took back cans and bottles and used my whopping $10 in food assistance to pick up a family-pack of ground beef, one onion, two bags of lettuce, two packages of grape tomatoes, spaghetti sauce, Diet 7-up, some coffee and tea. Not much, but I had no beef. "Where's the beef?!" Remember that commercial?

So, Brian left a message about dinner tomorrow. I need to go. Need to get out of here and back into the world. And a nice meal would be very lovely. Today I've eaten one small apple, and a bowl of homemade potato salad. Forced myself to eat both times. I'm so listless I don't even get hungry!!!

Oh, something has to give... something! Anything! I'm about to crash and burn....

The Current State of Mona

It's Monday night. The end of the holiday weekend. Friday was spent doing housework and sitting in the sun. Saturday was date night. Sunday I was a complete waste as I was feeling very ill. Today, I grilled burgers,brats and sweet corn for my aunt, cousin and mother, and made potato salad. Mother brought baked beans, and my aunt brought tomato salad and peach cobbler. We enjoyed a scrumptious meal, followed by a few games of Yahtzee. It was so nice to spend time entertaining family. Something I wish I could do more of.

I sent a resume and cover letter by fax to an OB/GYN office position and then located an HR Assistant position with a non-profit organization in town. I would LOVE to work for a non-profit. I could care less about the pay. It wouldn't be less than my current income, and I find helping others to be extremely rewarding. I have decided to take my resume and cover letter in personally tomorrow morning. Call me crazy, but a voice was telling me to take it in. I kept considering faxing it and the voice kept insisting. I decided to listen.

In Friday's mail, I received my letter from the Department of Human Services regarding my food assistance application. They are allowing me $10. I'm not sure what the going rate is for Ramen Noodles, but I doubt $10 will provide one month's worth. Unemployment runs out in 8 weeks. Something needs to give. Soon.

A small but beautiful surprise occurred when I was home alone after my dud date with Patrick. I had Sirius Channel 21 on and a song caught my ear. It was "You Don't Know Me" by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor. I decided it MUST be on my other MySpace page and looked up Ben. What a musical genius he is! "The Luckiest" has to be one of the most moving love songs I have ever heard, and "The Bitch Went Nutz" is just plain righteous! I shot him a few crazed emails and he wrote back!!! I'm going to a show in October!!! YES!

To summarize the Current State of Mona... I haven't given up. I'm taking life as it comes and still busting my ass to try and change my circumstances. I am putting myself out there for education, work, dating, and joy. Something inside me tells me that a new opportunity is on its way... but the black-and-white logic driven part of my brain is mildly anxious. I'm clinging to balance. Maintaining balance in all dynamics of life is the key to surviving. When I have a bad day, I try very hard to make the next a good one. I had a good day today. Let's shoot for two in a row!

Swallowing

Sheesh! I'm tired! Alarm went off at 7:00 a.m. and I GOT UP! Stumbled to the shower and washed off the discouragement of yesterday. Nervous that my dress pants might not fit after a few depression-fueled episodes of "Ben &Jerry's," I took a deep breath, exhaled and wriggled into them. Packed like summer sausage in plastic, I was dressed and ready to go!

The position I submitted for today is at a dentist's office, but he is home recovering from hip surgery, so I was only able to speak with an assistant. I was sure to do the handshake thing and thank her for her time. She wasn't sure how the dentist plans to address hiring and theorized that he may do telephone interviews.

I have not yet heard anything from the urologist's office. Wouldn't it be fun to say, "Piss off!" or "Don't get pissy with me!" Yeah, I know, I'm an ass!

Later, I went to the unemployment office and did the leg work for a state program that pays tuition for in-demand occupations. JUST having finished school, I'm apprehensive to sign up for more late-night dates with textbooks... But, the hard reality is, my degree doesn't really give me an edge in any particular field, and there aren't any damn jobs out there!!!! I have a solid work history, extensive management experience and an education, and I'm NOT getting any calls. Makes me wonder who IS! My appointment is at 8:50 a.m. so no sleeping the day away tomorrow either!

I'm also swallowing my pride today and turning in my food assistance papers today. I've had them filled out for three months. I'm not one to admit that I need help or to accept it when it is offered, so this is a very big deal to me. I believe I only qualify for $40 a month, but with no job prospects and rising food and gas prices... I've got to suck it up and take the help while it's there. I've worked my entire life and was laid-off permanently, with no warning. "I just feel like other people need it more than I do" I told my friend Kim. She boldly declared, "What, are you trying to tell me you are the ONLY human being that doesn't need to EAT!?" Gotta love her. She backed up her argument with the fact that I have been a tax-paying citizen for 22 years... True. I surrender. I admit it. I'm broke. I'm poor. I'm hanging on by the seat of my tight dress pants...