I Had A Dream!

Oh did I have a dream last night!

Somehow, somewhere, I had encountered 6 handsome men with dark hair who were apparently friends. They all had slightly different features, hairstyles, clothing, and eye color... but all of them were handsome and in good to great physical shape. This half-dozen collection of cuties were not only smitten with me, they were competing against each other for my attention and affection!

Yes!

During my delicious dream, I scanned the gathering of gentleman, trying to pick which one I liked the best; which one I would ride off into the sunset with. At one point, they all sat, legs crossed, in a circle, as if they were gathered around a campfire. They battled wits and charming glances while the now circular-patterned scanning of these handsome fellows became almost dizzying. One man in particular had these icy blue eyes and a hint of badness to his persona... I was taking one last look to affirm my decision when...

Something woke me up!!!!! Bullshit!

In real life, I've been pondering a few things: travelling overseas, taking regular "Sunday Drives," and yes, dating. This time change thing (and leftover Halloween candy) has created a semi-paranoia that I'll simply eat and sleep myself to death! My ankle is still bruised and swollen, but I made an executive decision to workout anyway. If I do spring for a European adventure, I'm NOT buying two seats!

Fucked. Up.

It's all fucked up.
Me.
Us.
And maybe him.


Mr. Right wasn't there for me; but in his defense, I didn't ask him to be.

And in my defense, I don't know how.

But, I do know, that I'm broken hearted, and a stubborn ass bitch... that's what I had to become to survive. So, unless he finds a big white horse...

it's done.

Creative Math

Today I made a valiant attempt to pay a shit pile of bills with the one turd I've been trying to polish for the last ten months... and let's just say, it didn't go very well. Something had to give...

So, I pondered my options.

Instantly, flashbacks of the onslaught of bailouts and Ponzi schemes flickered through my head. And that's where my solution came from. I think I'm on to something...All of this crazy economic collapse crap is a direct result of "creative math." Virtually every headline has something to do with the irresponsible use of creative math. We've got governors playing "Ebay" with Senate seats, playing "Hide and Go Seek" with unemployment... banks playing "Barbie Dream House" with bailout funds, donkeys and elephants playing "Tug of War" with Monopoly money... leaving us all stuck in a terrible game of "Clue;" so why can't I play "Fraction Subtraction" with my utility bills?

I'm not sure what happens when you only pay a fraction of your utility bills, but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Fact of the matter is, I couldn't afford the entire amount due. And if "everybody else is doing it" why can't I, albeit for honest reasons? If banks, giant corporations, and government officials aren't held accountable for their expenses, then why should that one girl in that one town be? If you compare my potential financial fallout to the forementioned, I'm a taxpayer bargain! I could be bailed out for less than one cent per taxpayer...

The Empty Chair...

I have sat here... in this same... old... hard... cold...

uncomforting, uncomfortable chair... for twelve hours. Half a day. A lifetime. Lifetime of feelings. Conversations. Words. Said. And unspoken...

And

I

Am...

Mourning. Frustrated. Sad. Hopeful. Desperate. Needy. Full. Empty...

All at once. And...

All

Alone.

In this empty chair...

Frustrated Lady

Frustrated. I am frustrated!

I've been job searching... still. The postings continue to dwindle in number, and, I'm nowhere near qualified for the ones that are posted. It's a shame I'm petrified of needles. Had I pursued nursing... I'd never have been in this situation. I'm headed to the unemployment office to turn in some paperwork. One form they need isn't turning out the way my caseworker said it should... I don't know why. But, to make sure she doesn't think I'm happily sitting on my rear waiting for someone to come and strip me away from my meager possessions... I'm turning it in anyway.

Missed C.F. by 10 minutes last night. He had given me the impression that he might not have time to chat, so I went to bed. Only to find that he was eager to "catch up" with me when I checked my messages after waking up in the middle of the night. He sent me some very cute photos... so I obliged and sent some back. One in which I was pointing to the empty and available spot next to me in bed. Theoretically, it is supposed to be unattractive to be available to a man's every beckon call... so perhaps it was a good thing.

My Irishman has been a little aloof as of late. I had spent the day getting a package for him together. A card, letter, poem, "Love" assortment of chocolates, and a framed photo. But after not receiving responses to messages lately, I found myself second guessing him in the early morning. I sent him an email telling him that I felt something was up and that I wasn't going to continue sending messages to him. After I sent it, I had some regrets... but couldn't unsend it, so I was left with the potential consequences. Well, it got his attention, which wasn't really my intention. He has since written me an email and sent me two text messages. None of which I have responded to yet.

What am I doing? (I'm in analytical mode today.) I've got my emotions and energies wrapped up into two men that don't even live in the same state as I do. That I haven't even met in person. Is it truly possible to have a real, lasting romance with either one? And am I willing to meet them, find that our connection is indeed one that I have searched for my entire life... and then pine away for them until the next time we can coordinate schedules, travel arrangements, and time together??

So, I'm off to drop off paperwork. Pick up toothpaste. And get a haircut. My pre-C.F. spiff up. Then... oh help me... then... Todd will be coming over in the early evening to "hang out." I reluctantly agreed to spend time with him, since he had confessed, under the influence, that he has been wanting to take me on a date. I've been very careful not to give him that impression. I think he is a wonderful person. We've known each other for 20 years... but I'm dreading the thought of him swooping in for a kiss, or even touching me in the hopes of romance. I hate that! Friends who develop romantic feelings that you don't have in return... UGH! Such a delicate situation. I really, really, really want to cancel...

Last Crazy Thought of The Night...

Another true confession...

In the back of my mind, I've tossed around the idea of trying to find a waitressing or bartending job in a strip joint. Be clear on this... I'm not saying I want to be a STRIPPER. But, I've crunched the numbers and the budget... and I only need to make $1000 a month to make my bills. Yes, folks... I am living the life of a pauper. But who hasn't, for the sake of their passion? Do I seize this opportunity and sacrifice a pinch of dignity for the possibility of supporting a lifelong dream? I could make better cash with more flexible hours... and surely provide you with some extremely entertaining material...

I'd really like some feedback here...

Incurably In Love...

Apparently, all of my "lovers" are drunk tonight... again, the universal drunken confessions of affection...

My "creative friend" and I were engaged in another email marathon... and he confessed to being "a bit tipsy" which turned into requited flirtations... the death of his laptop battery finally put a stop to it. He was emailing me while playing piano at his rehearsal... God that's hot.

And my darling Irish friend has called me again. Not once... but twice. He's told me that he has never written a poem in his life... and the letter I should receive shortly will contain two.

I'm smitten with both of them.

And they are both entirely inaccessible to me. So as I have a soap opera type fantasy of two wonderful men, both incurably in love with me... fighting for my affection... I leave you with this "soundtrack" for the episode:

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=HtTHsBlhdxo&feature=related