Another One Bites The Dust!

What an interesting weekend!

Thursday night I found myself juggling phone calls; an odd experience for my "boring" soul. I was catching up with friends when I received a call on the other line from an old co-worker and friend I hadn't seen in four years or more. I wasn't able to answer right away, and at first I thought she was calling to tell me someone died! I had to call back!

"Did you know Kristin is getting married this weekend?" she asked.

"WHAT?! No I didn't. I had heard she was engaged."

Kristin is almost 40, but lives the life of a wild, irresponsible 21 year-old. She has an incredibly entertaining personality, however, because she spends the majority of her spare time in local watering holes, we haven't been in touch for four years. Of all the people I know, she would be near the bottom of my "Will Get Married" list. And now... well now she's married!

I had no idea what to expect at the reception. I was pleasantly surprised to see many people life had led me to forget. Even though as we get older, our priorities and choices of social activities may change... I don't think our fondness of others truly does. In the end, I was glad to have gone and reconnect with people if only for the afternoon.

But, I was left wondering, "If SHE is willing to "tie the knot," how can I expect to escape it?!"

Egads!

Curiosity Killed the...

A dear, dear friend of 20 years and I have managed to sporadically keep in touch while she has been living a few hundred miles away. Just as I have, she endured the sudden shit-out-of-luckness that results from sudden job loss; and a few comically failed relationships. Although I always know where our friendship stands, sometimes, I have no blasted idea how she is doing, as she tends to "disappear" for months at a time.

True to form, I haven't heard from her in about four weeks.

Early this evening, I surprisingly found an email from her in my inbox. It read:

"Hey you. Will be in touch this week. Been crazy this way. Going to be moving out of my roomates...I had a bad accident with her stove. Didn't go over to well.

Love and thinking of ya."

"I HAD A BAD ACCIDENT WITH HER STOVE?!" That has to be the most hilariously intriguing sentence I have read in my entire life! My mind is whirling with visions! What kind of "accident" does one have with a stove that leads to an apparent eviction? I'm guessing it's much more serious than the time we were too drunk to realize we had put the frozen pizza and the cardboard in my oven in a desperate attempt to satisfy our late night hunger ten years ago. Hell, there wasn't even enough smoke to set off the detector. Couldn't be pizza rolls left at 450 degrees for eight hours. My friend Wendy did that once. Not only did she live to tell about it, she didn't get kicked out of the house she shared with Sara.

I'm dying to know! The curiosity is killing me! And knowing it could be weeks, MONTHS, before I hear the end of this brain-baffling tale is simply torture!

Young, Restless... and Random

It's 12:30 a.m. and my alarm is going to start squealing in 5 1/2 hours. I was really falling asleep during the 11 o'clock news... even cut it short for fear of leaving the t.v. on. But, somehow, my mind started reeling randomly... about my fantasy art studio and whether or not I should add it on to the house or build it at the very back of the yard. Huh? What sense does it make to concern myself with such things when I have all of $900 spare dollars in my bank account and plenty of other repairs that must precede this desired draft house. I immediately surrendered the idea of pursuing sleep and got up to make myself a cup of mint tea. I then was easily entertained with "mint tea... it's minty," and, well, I continue to digress!

I've just made another cup.

Here comes a confession: I've been watching "The Bachelorette." Yes, I'm ashamed, but you must know that I'm not watching it because I truly want to. I think I'm watching it because I'm desperately searching for a reason not to cancel my cable service and spend that $70 a month on something more meaningful than 100 some channels of absolute crap. This debate has been on-going for at least a year now. Why can't I just let it go? I honestly don't watch that much t.v. in the first place.

To continue in the theme of randomness... while watching "The Bachelorette" I searched "how to find love" and came across an article that was semi-interesting and mildly intellectual. Perhaps I could have paid more attention to it, but that would have required my inquiry to be serious... and I just don't believe finding love should be so analytical, calculated, and planned. But, I also apparently suck at it! Interesting, but not interesting enough for me to investigate! Anyway, one of the suggestions the article makes is to make a list of your ideal mate, right down to height, occupation, personality, hobbies... you name it. Hmmm. I've heard this a few times before. However, it gives me a "Weird Science" kind of image when I think of drafting the plans of my future mate and seems entirely unnatural. And if I were to stay true to what my list would entail... I would be single well into my 50's at minimum! The sad truth is the kind of man I truly desire is unlikely to reside within a 50 mile radius of my home, and more likely to require a passport to visit me.

The article did mention "settling" and something about sticking in relationships that aren't really working and therefore distracting ourselves from what we really want. Ironic, because my on-again-off-again (more off than on) fellow of over 10 years asked me out earlier in the evening and I agreed. At one point in time, I secretly referred to him as my husband, meaning I envisioned us married somewhere down the line; however, any nuptial notions have long since passed and never returned. We just haven't been in the same proverbial place in years. I don't think it so wrong to spend time with him. He's a friend after all. It's comfortable. Safe. Familiar. We laugh together. Aren't concerned with false impressions or insecurities. A hell of a lot better than unwittingly going on a blindish date with someone from an online dating site in my book! I've been craving more social interaction and that's all it really is. Lately, I've been working, or basically spending time at home, and not always wisely. I think I'll stick with my plans and save the analyzing and calculating for the weekend.

Potato Salad for the Soul

I'm happy to report that I've gotten out of bed. I look like a hot mess, but I'm feeling a little better. I really didn't like feeling as though I was falling apart, but I needed to process a lot of pent up emotion before I exploded. So I exploded.

I hate crying. It makes me feel stupid. But... sometimes we just have to let it out. And I'm grateful that I did, grateful for my good friends who listened to my pathetic babbling, and thank God I work with wonderful, understanding people. The reality of life is that sometimes it's hard. And lately, I've just had too much coming at me at once, and didn't have, nor make, the time to work it out. I was barely hanging on... and then I found out a dear man I knew succombed to cancer. He was supposed to have 3-6 months; but he only made it two weeks. Sadly, because I was wrapped up in my own shit and don't get the paper... I missed his funeral. And of course, I'm sad that he died. Just as I fear my Chester is dying. His death reminded me how fragile my Chester is.


So after hours of tears, countless naps, and thoughts good and bad... I got up off my ass and started therapy. Cooking therapy. I busied my mind with the tedious dicing of celery, bacon, onions, eggs, and potatos. A little potato salad for the soul, if you will. I've exchanged the mess of feelings in my mind for a mess in the kitchen... and I'm okay with both of them. I'm okay. Sometimes things stress us out. Sometimes things hurt. Sometimes people that have been kind to you do things that are unkind. I really don't understand why, and just like the silence that surrounded the existence of my father hurt me... this silence hurts too. But it won't hurt forever. Thank you for being there... you know who you are.

Here Kitty Kitty!

Just a quick second... I have.

Nice boy is picking me up at 8. We are going to a town an hour away to watch my girlfriend's husband's band play. It's her 40th birthday celebration, and I have not seen her in about 8 years or more. I was maid of honor for their wedding. The one that set them up some 15 or more years ago. I've always had a knack for making Love Connections (yes be jealous, Chuck Woolery!), but suck at making my own.

I've got my hair all "rocked out," and... I'm wearing leopard print panties... YOWZA! I'm not saying I'm planning on being a tad wild... but I figure if I'm wearing these, at least I might think I am. There's a silly little feeling of satisfaction a woman gets when she knows she is wearing something "naughty." And considering about the naughtiest thing I have done in several months is going an entire day without combing my hair, I could use a little inspiration.

Work has been down-right brutal, and I'm more than ready to get the "f" out of this depressed city that I live in! So unless I get jumped by a back-country bum, I should have some well-deserved fun tonight!

Double Duty: Day 1

I successfully survived day 1 at Job 2, despite somehow mismanaging my bedroom alarm clock and cell phone alarm... waking up 40 minutes later than planned! NOT a great way to begin your first-day-on-the-job morning! I did have enough time to dress and shower... even to make a cup of my terrible, but cheap, coffee to drink on the panicked drive in. The morning air was warmer than usual, but not warm enough to drive with the window down. However, I had no choice, considering my driver's side window decided to get off track Sunday afternoon, leaving me to fret over when/how I could fix it before the rains came!

I arrived 10 minutes early, and 12 minutes before my predecessor. Shew! The day was mildly chaotic. Myself, two other first-dayers, and my predecessor/trainer, ran through the cubicles pilfering the necessary parts to assemble a functioning telephone and computer system. I now have ANOTHER desk, phone extension, ID badge and email account. Concrete proof that I do in fact have two jobs... at least for the moment.

Unfortunately, my ploy to finagle a four-day work week, allowing a solid day at the other job, was unsuccessful. SHIT! Plan B. I hadn't a plan B, but I quickly concocted one! My other job's offices are housed in a larger business' building so I don't think I can truly come and go as I please with my key card, but I believe I may be able to get in as early as 7a.m. When I was first hired, working at home was offered as an option... soooooooooooooooo... Plan B consists of reporting to Job 1 on Mondays and Wednesdays for an hour to sort through necessary assignments, report to Job 2 for my 9a.m.-5:30p.m. workday... work on Job 1 stuff when I get home for a bit... rinse and repeat. Okay... skip the rinsing, but you get the gist of it. I REFUSE to let go of that job. Not yet. They have been good to me, and I know they need the help right now. I will be able to honor my scheduled commitments for the next two weeks for sure, but I'd like to keep my toe in the door just in case I need to, and because I actually want to. I'll get to see how all of this goes when I break the news tomorrow morning...

After my three hours in at Job 2... I raced home and quickly changed from Betty Business to Sara Ceramics, and was back on the road before my engine even quit moving. I was frantically staining and glazing several bisque-fired pieces and sharing the "I may never see you again... at least not for awhile" news with my dear "dirt" buddies. I may be able to continue my ceramic adventures, but I would have to switch to the night session, and make new "friends." Frankly, I adore the ones I craft clay with now, so it's bittersweet.

Once the glazing frenzy ended, I raced off to my Mr. Fixit friend's house, where he dissassembled my car door panel and readjusted my wayward window. We also did a few other minor repairs, so my "little tin soldier" looks a tiny bit better. She's a ten year old car, with only 79,000 miles on her... but she's been in the wrong place at the wrong time and taken a few uninsured beatings along the way. But, she's paid for! If things go well in the job department, I just might treat her to a makeover, as I have NO intention of taking on a car payment anytime soon. I should be able to drive that ol' girl around for at least another 5 years. Gotta love a Honda!

Upon arriving home, the sunshine and warm air demanded that I clean out the garage, caring not that I had ZERO caloric intake for the day thus far. I had no time to eat! So while the oven was preheating to cook some cheap -and -easy -chicken, I swiftly organized some tools and supplies, making my exits and entrances a heck of a lot less dangerous! I won't have to worry about removing a stack of Styrofoam cups from the "spear" of my high heel as I rush out the door, ever again! (Don't ask.)

Now, it's nearing 10 p.m. I am going to select tomorrow's wardrobe, just in case I encounter another alarm clock debacle... and hopefully get some REST! I tossed and turned last night while trying to literally figure out my financial future with my cell phone calculator at 1 in the morning. But soon... soon I feel the stress and anxiety of bills and never-ending job hunting will come to a lull. The light is finally on at the end of the tunnel; and I can finally afford to pay the bill!

Got My Mind On My Money And My Money On My Mind

I've got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind! Trying to find any and all ways to make sure I can keep my house and my shorts! Thankfully, I'm one of those weird people who almost welcomes pressure... as I seem to work best in "Oh Shit!" mode; so I have somewhat welcomed the challenge.

My Ebay sales are going pretty well. I managed to finally unload my over-priced and under-used scientific calculator I was forced into buying for a statistics class in college! A big score at $25.00 in sales. Another item landed a mere 99 cents... but that pays better than dust, so I'll take it!

My ceramics production is at an all time high, and at this pace, I may very well have twenty pieces completed by the end of the workshop. I've been working with a new design that has gotten many "oohs" and "ahs" from the other artists in the workshop... so I am gambling on the fact that someone would buy them! There is a gift shop upstairs, and a few community art events coming up in Spring... so there is hope to at least recoup the cost of my class, and perhaps even generate a little profit.

There is hope on the horizon for employment! I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It is for a business that is in the building phase, so official employment wouldn't likely begin until May or later. Not ideal for someone who desperately needs a steady income, but, the job, if I got it, would be dependable, and recession-proof. I'm a little nervous about it, do to the fact that I know at least 12,000 people have applied for the jobs at this place. That means I really, really, really have to impress! I would kill to have enough money to buy a new suit for the interview, but that's just not going to happen. So I picked through my closet, and tried on every pair of dress pants I own to find the ones that fit the best. I'm still not sold on the top I selected. I'd prefer to wear a button down one, but those weren't looking great to me, so I believe I may go for a classic fit purple sweater. I can already see myself flinging clothes all about the room in a panic... tripping on hangers, sweat beading on my forehead... and probably uttering a swear word or two, moments before I have to leave.

In the morning, I'm going to my friend's grandmother's funeral. Not on the top of the fun-things-to-do list, but, something I feel I should do. He has been a great friend, and very supportive through my own hard times... being there for him during his own difficult time is just the right, and "grown up" thing to do. We have been friends for two years now, but have never been overly serious. We usually spend time speaking absolute jibberish while we flip through books, sipping coffee at Barnes and Noble. Laughing at our own intentional stupidity is our usual M.O. Sharing such an emotional time with him will add a new dynamic to our friendship. I am not sure that he will cry, but I have never seen him do so. I'm a kind of emotional girl, so if he cries... odds are I will to. And that's okay. I'll just have to be sure and regroup before I head off to my interview in the afternoon.

And with that... I'm off to bed. I've got an early, and long day ahead of me...

The Blast and the Past

Seems these arctic blasts have stirred up ol' Mona's past...

Sometime around midnight (great song, by the way), I got a call from Kimmee. I hadn't heard from her since right before she lost her home here to foreclosure. She was having a very difficult time financially, and personally. Not hearing from her was a concern to me, but her number was disconnected and I had no way of discovering her fate. Turns out she has moved to a nearby state, is still with her husband, and is doing quite well! We may be getting together Saturday if she comes to town. While I was on the phone with her... I had been clicking through photos of C.F. for no explainable reason.

An hour and a half later... I receive a text... from an ex decade-long on-again-off-again boyfriend. "I'm at your favorite place." He wrote.

"Where is that?" I replied.

I was just about to fall asleep, so it took me a moment to realize what he meant. He was here. It's his birthday. Huh.

"Come on, no guesses?" He inquired.

I sent a flirtatious reply, that's what we do. And because I detest texting, I decided to call him. We hadn't spoken since Thanksgiving of '07. At that time he had said he was considering moving back to be closer to his family, but I didn't take him seriously. After he ditched me for an "unplanned" evening with his family, I wrote him off as permanently irresponsible and non-committal.

It seems his father had to be hospitalized this year around Thanksgiving. He and I had always maintained a friendship, so I had broken the ice, not knowing his situation, and left a message on Thanksgiving day.

"Hey you. Are we still fighting? It's been a year... hope you have a very happy Thanksgiving."

I hadn't heard back from him, and had honestly forgotten that I called. During our conversation tonight, he said he didn't know what "my deal" was, but that he'd like to get together on Monday. He also asked about my new boyfriend. Apparently, his friend John had told him that he saw me at a music store with my new boyfriend and I bought a guitar. Well, the guy I was with is just a great friend, and the guitars I have are borrowed... he was glad to know John had embellished.

Monday... I'll be seeing him on Monday. He has moved back to the state, and is living 30 minutes away. At one point, unknown to him, I called him my husband. I used to think he was "the one." But then I was growing up, and he was staying the same, and I grew tired of the lack of direction he, and our relationship had. When he came to visit, I remembered feeling over it. Over the belief that we had a future, over the attraction, over the waiting for something to change.

But, this will be the first time in ten years that we have lived in the same state. Will it be different? Is he different?

Truth is, right now it doesn't matter. He will always be someone I consider a friend. Our "bad times" weren't really bad, they were just miles on a map that got in the way. My mind is open, I'm not sure if my heart is... but, certainly we can see each other. And, I adore his parents, so if his father is in ill health, a visit is in order.

How strange that I have heard from two estranged people in the same night, and I'll be seeing both of them within the same week! And how strange it is for me to be up at this hour! I thought I was working on becoming a "normal" person...

Goodnight!

Humbug? Bah!

So this Christmas is a little grim financially... what are ya gonna do? As much as I would love to shower friends, family, and strangers with gifts, I just can't afford to. I've gotten some much needed emotional support from some very selfless people this year, and I would love to reward them with a cool gizmo, flowers, or a great book; but this year, my sincere gratitude will have to suffice. That's the natural cycle of things: the fortunate give to the less fortunate. Fortunately, I've usually been on the more fortunate side of things, so this is very new to me.

But I couldn't forget my grandparents, mother, or brother! And I have a couple younger cousins that I couldn't ignore either! Luckily, I scored some clearanced three-packs of photo frames at Hobby Lobby. They were $8.16 each, making the frames a mere $2.72 individually. I used my printer to produce copies of a photo of me in my graduation cap and gown and put them in the frames for the grandparents, as well as framing copies of a picture of my grandparents kissing on their 45th wedding anniversary for their daughters. Sometimes the sentimental gifts are those that are most appreciated, and I'm betting on that this year.

I truly can't afford to spend ANY money, but again, there were those I could not forget. I also printed some photos from our family reunion and placed them inside family Christmas cards to add a sense of "gift" giving. It's hard when you want so badly to return the kindness and generosity people have shown you and you just don't have the means. UGH! Hopefully everyone knows how much I love and appreciate them and next holiday season I'll be in a better place financially.

The Latest...

So... I've been kind of busy, and of course, kind of lazy. Luckily for you, this means less incoherent babbling to sift through!

Despite feeling my apparently anxiety-fueled chest pains, and a bit of depression Friday night, I decided to stick to my plans to meet up with a friend on Saturday. I wasn't sure that I was physically or emotionally up to it, but we actually had a great time, and I was glad to have gotten out of my house!

Saturday: Chit-chat. Dinner at the Japanese restaurant... including "Monkey Balls!"

Sunday: Chit-chat. Shot photographs at the local park... until my batteries crapped out on me!

Monday: Researched graduation info. Errands with my friend, including a great sweater purchase! Ruby Tuesday's for breakfast/lunch/dinner... "brenchinner.*" Barnes and Noble for Pumpkin Spice Lattes and book grazing. Home. Scrabble Games. Two chapters in Microsoft Office 2007.

Also... I'm trying to plan for my graduation on Saturday. They limit your tickets and I need TWO more. I'm hoping to get them, because if I don't, I will have to tell my aunt and uncle that they can't come. The sad thing is, I have zero emotion about it really. Maybe that will change, but right now, graduation seems like an avoidable pain in the ass to me! My cap is too small, I don't have enough tickets, basically have to plan my own party, and the weather is supposed to be awful. WooHooooooo!??!?!?!?

Have or Have Not; Happy Thanksgiving!

With all of the stress and uncertainty of the world and economy, it's tempting to lose sight of what Thanksgiving is all about. I'll admit to getting caught up in the fact that I did not have a dutch oven as I was trying to efficiently cook 6 pounds of sweet potatoes. As the sweet potato peels flew about in the sink, and I started my second batch of boiling potatoes, knowing there would be yet a third, I privately pondered why the hell I was doing all of that work. I recalled having a dutch oven when I lived in Kalamazoo. What the hell happened to it? Why did I pick the "pain in the ass" recipe? Why don't I have a great job so I can easily afford a dutch oven? TWO dutch ovens! I had three pounds of carrots to cook as well!

After finally finishing my tedious apple peeling, coring, and dicing for the 6 pounds of peeled, cooked, sliced, and mashed sweet potatoes... I looked around my kitchen. It was a mess! Spices, brown sugar, sauce pans, strainers, apple peels, potato peels, baking dishes, and butter cluttered the counter. As the delicious aroma of my "pain in the ass" potatoes filled the room, I realized how well worth the effort my dutch oven-less cooking was.

Life isn't about what we don't have. Thanksgiving isn't about what we don't have. Life is lived best when we make the most of what we do have. I did have the money to buy the sweet potatoes, apples, and carrots. I did have a large saucepan to cook the multiple batches in. I did have gas service to my stove. I had a stove. A kitchen. A house. A roof. And I have a wonderful family; a family worth every bit of frustration I may have temporarily endured to prepare my offerings for the Thanksgiving table.

Even when we have less than others, we still have more than most. Let us all be grateful for our food, shelter, family, and friends. Those simple things that we often take for granted. Let us all truly listen, laugh and love. And let us keep these "simple" things top of mind, not just today, but everyday. Maybe even think about those around us that do have less. Those who could care less about having a damn dutch oven, and would really appreciate just a sandwich to make it through another day.

I will now give thanks for each of you lovely people. Enjoy a warm and memorable meal with you and yours. Happy Thanksgiving!

The "Busy" Signal!

I'm still at a non-stop pace, despite my technically "unemployed" status! My remodel project will require me to return tomorrow. Oh, how I had hoped to not be working on anything but fixing delicious things to eat on Thanksgiving Day!

I spent the day cleaning a very beautiful home. My friend Todd's mother offered me the opportunity. Pat has been such a wonderful help during my unemployment. Very supportive and genuinely concerned that I am able to make ends meet. I am very fortunate to have both of them on my side through this difficult time.

My mother left this morning to spend Thanksgiving with her mother, my favorite grandmother, in California. I would have loved to have gone, but I do not have any money for airfare. My grandmother's birthday is on Thanksgiving, and my grandfather's a few days after. Mom's visit is a surprise, and I wish I could see the look on my grandma's face when she sees my mother at the door. I know she is going to cry! My grandparents are such sweet and loving people. Both have been in and out of the hospital over the last year, and are in their 80's. Visiting them is near the top of my priority list as soon as I am back on steady financial ground. I don't want the next time I see my grandmother to be at her funeral. The thought of that possibility just destroys me inside.

While mother is away, I am dog-sitting her three beasties for the week. The client I've been remodelling for, has asked me to also touch up the paint throughout the entire town home. Secretly, I am beyond sick of painting, but, the bills need to be paid, and I may need to rely on opportunities like this in the future, so I have to suck it up.

Of course, now that I have too much on my pre-Thanksgiving plate, people are coming to town, boys and friends are calling, and I am just too busy! I've fantasized about a busy signal playing when anyone calls, comes to the door, or tries to contact me in any other way. It gets exhausting explaining why you are unavailable... and I really don't have time to! I swear, I could sit around the house for a week, wishing there were something to do, and not a soul would call. As soon as I have more than enough going on... everybody wants to do something! Maybe that's just life.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. As difficult as things have been for me this past seven months, I definitely have a lot to be thankful for. And if for some reason I miss a post the next couple days...

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING ONE AND ALL!!!

The Darkness Has Fallen

Daylight Savings Time sucks! It isn't quite 7 p.m. and my mind thinks it is almost midnight! I'm ready to go to sleep!

I took my car to the shop today. So far, it appears that the "ailment" has been cured. Just in time, too! I'd hate to be jump-starting my car in the blustery blizzards of winter!

When I returned, my aunt, mother, and I, went to have a late lunch at a local Mexican restaurant. I was starving! Cleaned my plate! My stomach is now pleasantly plumped.

My aunt then kindly purchased two 35 pound bags of bird seed for me. It's the "cheap stuff." It will be up to the birds to decide if they will sacrifice their gourmet desire in the name of survival. Better than nothing, I say. Especially since I should have cut them out of my rapidly shrinking budget months ago.

We then began the quest to find "Pumpkin" ice cream. One of my absolute favorites! They only sell it around Thanksgiving time. We stopped at three different stores. No luck. I could taste it! What a bummer! Instead, I chose "Brownie Mud Pie," and picked up a Halloween package of peanut M&M's for half-price.

Now, I'm on the couch, cuddled up with my favorite throw blanket, debating whether or not I will call my friend that wants to go to the casino. Of course, I have no money, but he brought it up. He's aware of my poverty status.

"MiGo" Crazy For My Thermal Mugs!

Well, I napped a bit...

Last night was a big swirl of socialization, and I hadn't the time to address the goings on! My crazy-fun friend Cortney had called as I was driving aimlessly to the "sorry for the misprint" meeting, "R" had called, I met with some friends to do some networking, came home to an announcement that my friend Dan was stopping by later, and that "R" was on his way as well. Sheeesh! As I tried to email my new non-profit connection, my side job saviour, Todd, called.

And then "R" arrived.

We spent a pleasant evening, first watching "Law & Order," and then the movie "Juno." Yes, I am the ONLY person on the planet Earth who hadn't watched it yet. Correction. R and I were the only TWO people who hadn't seen the movie yet. R made it to the midway point and zonked out. He gets up for work at 5:30 a.m. So I let him rest. The movie was excellent, so what difference did it make? I have to say that I am pretty particular with my humor, and the lines in that film are excellent. "Pork swords" was definitely new terminology to me!

Forgot to mention that three-quarters of the way through "Law & Order," Dan knocked at the door. Dan is a friend of mine I had intended to partner up with in late summer to join forces in the remodelling sector. But, Dan apparently got entangled with a certifiably crazy woman and vanished for a bit. I have yet to get the full story, but I am truly concerned for him. His eyes looked sad and worrisome. I sent him on his way and told him I would call him today... I sure hope I don't regret not taking more time to talk with him. You just never know what someone's state of mind is. Suppose I'll give him a call when I finish here.

Anyway.

I sent poor R to bed to catch a few winks before his drowsy drive to work in the Daylight Savings Time darkness. I, of course, could not sleep. Very well. So I snuck in a post and checked my email around 3:30 a.m. Took a "nap," and then got up right before the alarm clock went off. I thought I'd put in a little "co-habitation" practice... and make R some breakfast.

I do not plan on living with R at this moment, but, at times I do grow a little concerned with my independence! Perhaps I'm a little too in love with my own lone existence. Spoiled, I say! I absolutely love cooking; and love cooking and caring for others even more. So why not make the man breakfast! Hell, he's one of the lucky souls in this forsaken town with a job! Better keep him in working shape!

Quietly, I cooked sharp cheddar scrambled eggs, seasoned bacon, and toast. Poured his coffee into one of my coveted "MiGo" travel mugs, and returned to coax him out of bed.

"It's time for your photo shoot, handsome. And your breakfast is ready."

(Groan) "Whaaat?"

"Your breakfast is ready. Anything for your coffee?"

"No, thank you." He leans up and looks at the clock, "Too bad I won't have time to eat it..."

Oh, I beg to differ! This smart cookie has just the thing! I had saved a plastic container that had some sort of baked goods from the grocery store bakery that doubled nicely as a "takeout" container for sleepyhead's breakfast. I slid the eggs, bacon, and toast into it, closed the lid, and found a set of takeout silverware in the drawer. Placed a blueberry corn muffin in a plastic bag, and sent him on his way with a home-cooked meal... and... my beloved coffee mug!

As he left, I said, "Now, if you decide for any reason that you are not speaking to me again, please leave the mug in my mailbox."

Yes, I have a serious attachment issue with my coffee mug. I am very aware of this. In fact, when my boyfriend and I broke up at the end of last year, that was the only thing I was pissed about! He had gotten away with my "MiGo" coffee mug! The one I sent R out the door with, was the replacement. When I went to pick up the shimmering silver look-a-like, I also treated myself to a beautiful blue one, for a backup!

So help me if I have to buy another!

What Gives?

After my latest bout with sleeplessness, I decided it was time to take a few days off from the world. A few days of peace, quiet and relaxation. A chance to refuel, rejuvenate, rekindle.

How dare I?!

Brian had called a few times. I already messaged him and said I was taking a "time out." Even explained why. Either he doesn't understand English, or plain doesn't give a shit! I just received a message from one of his girl friends, calling from his phone, asking why I hadn't called him back. Are you kidding me? Wasn't high school like twenty years ago?

I'm afraid my guitar lessons may have to cease. I can't have someone pressuring me right now. I'm not very comfortable with this situation. It leaves me wondering if people are capable for giving for the sake of giving. I always wind up "owing" people something. I had offered to help him organize his business in exchange for the lessons. A legitimate barter. I'm not one who takes advantage of people, in fact, I rarely accept help at all, and especially don't ask for it.

I've got a lot on my plate right now. My top priority is solving this job/money situation. Not entering into some strong-armed relationship over guitar lessons. I thought that we could surely be friends after all of this time, and wasn't planning on anything else. I can't plan. I've got "life" to handle right now. Why is this so hard to understand? I made myself pretty clear, or so I thought.

What gives?

Random Rockin Recap

Hello boys and girls! I'm back.

Considering I'm a little anal about efficiency, I think it best to simply recap the highlights of the last couple days.

Saturday night: Spent the first part of the day in bed. Hadn't been feeling well. Coughing and sinus congestion subsided, but still had a bit of discomfort and just plain ill feeling in my stomach. Brian picked me up at 6:30 and we went to dinner in a small town about a half an hour away. "The County Seat" is a nice, yet non-pretentious restaurant in the downtown area. Lots of interesting architectural features and always an enjoyable meal. We came back to my place and he looked through some of my photographs, read my yet to be published book, and a collection of poetry I had written as far back as junior high. Brian has played guitar for about 25 years, and he has committed to assist me in learning how to play. My piano needs tuning and repair, so I can't really focus on learning that right now.

Sunday: Resting, recovering, and laziness.

Monday: Left early in the morning to clean for an elderly couple. Absolutely adorable they were! 86 and 88 years old. Married for 70 years! Took a short nap, and then got up for my guitar lesson. Brian is letting me borrow a bass and a six-string to learn on. My brief bits of musical training were very sporadic and spread out. I do have a pretty good understanding of the basics of music and the terminology, but he was getting a little complex for my first night. I am someone who learns by doing, and applying my knowledge. So all I am completely confident with tonight, is the G major chord, and the fact that my pinkie finger is going to require some serious training to play it well. I also must cut my fingernails, which thankfully, is not a big deal to me.

Not only did I get two guitars, and a free guitar lesson... he cooked me dinner too! Can't beat that!

My bills are out of control. Have no clue how I'm going to make it this next month without borrowing money. I HATE borrowing money. The desperation is growing ever stronger, and I am clumsily clinging on to the hope that "Everything will work out." It has to!

Friday, the "Bust"

Well, it was Friday. Now, it's technically Saturday already. My friend and I were going to make a trip north and explore some art museums. Yes!!! Culture! Unfortunately, both of us were not feeling well. I awoke to coughing and congested sinus discomfort. Hating that I was going to have to call and cancel, I picked up my cell phone, and there was already a message. Adam is sick too! He sounds far worse than I, and in fact, after resting most of the day, the only thing I have to complain about is discomfort in my stomach. Not sure of the cause. We were both out of culture commission. A mutual cancel goes over much better than the one-sided cancel! I was actually happy about it.

C.F. wrote me back. I have yet to respond. I'm not feeling up to it. He's a lovely, lovely man, and handling this situation rather gracefully. The only thing I'm "mad" about is the fact that we can't be together. Life has a funny way of interfering...

I have dinner plans Saturday (today) at 6:30. I've given no thought as to where we should go. If I had my way, we'd go to Paris, London, Venice... anywhere but here! What a dream! But, alas, I'm temporarily stuck here, in this dreary town. I'll be out with Brian. My "boyfriend" from junior high. We used to talk on the phone while watching wrestling on T.V. Saturday afternoons. Romantic, isn't it? We ran into each other a week ago and have talked sporadically over the years. Twenty-four years. Crazy to think that much time has passed! Anyway, I know he's harmless, and having dinner should be fun. I wouldn't count on any sparks flying... but surely there will be laughter.

Tonight, Oh Yes There Was A "Jailbreak!"

Finally! I escaped!!!! Tonya called this afternoon, and I met up with her and 6 other people for dinner. One of her friends opened a quaint restaurant about 25 minutes away. And, wow, was the food fabulous! What a thrill to be out in the world, AND eat a great meal that I didn't have to cook myself!

I wore my sexy black skirt. I had purchased it before my trip to see C.F. It was originally intended for him... but I thought it might be too dressy for our meeting. And there it was... waiting for its debut... its grand entrance into the world. So I put it on, with some hot fishnet stockings, knee-high boots, and a sexy-secretaryish purple sweater. I felt pretty. Sexy.

On the way there, Tonya sent me a text saying the place wasn't as fancy as she thought. Too late! I sent her a message back saying: "Well... I'm already in the car, in a skirt. Maybe someone will get under it!?"

Unfortunately, we were the only group in the place... and everyone was coupled up, except for Tonya and I. And when she called me her "date," I thought I might die! I'm not giving up men yet, people!!!!! And if I ever do, it will be for the convent, not a woman!

The Ditches

Ditch. Ditched.

What's up with the recent ditching of Mona? It's an epidemic!

My cousin has ditched me. He claims he's got personal business dragging him down. Chey has ditched me... same story. C.F. ditched me, but for understandable reasons. "R" disappeared! Maybe he's in a ditch? No word from my father in almost two weeks... that's a double-ditch. Brian hasn't called back about dinner, and Tonya is in the ditching process as well.

The employment world is ditching me.

All the while, I keep hearing random clips on t.v. saying "If you don't have friends and family, you don't have anything."

Have I nothing?

I hate to be bitching about all of this ditching... but it's starting to sting a bit! Have I lost my place in this world? I love life. Why isn't it loving me back?

From Zero to Funky...

Wow. I went from zero to funky in a mere 12 hours. Back to Funkytown I go. I had a nice, productive evening Thursday at the publishing workshop. But something happened in my crazy little brain while I slept... and it wasn't good.

I woke up feeling listless. Lethargic. Lonely. Empty. Exhausted. I don't know if it's the coldness of my house, or the pressures that I'm facing, but I was feeling a need to hide in the safety and warmth of my bed... for days!

There was a local "Fall Into The Arts" event downtown. I had been excited to go! Anxious to participate in a cultural activity in this stifled city. What happened to that? In fact, I was close to ditching my friend that planned on going with me. But, after deciding I would simply disgust myself by staying home for no good and definable reason, I got out of bed and hit the shower.

Mr. Irishman called. He had been calling all day. Wondering why I disappeared from our chat conversation last night. I didn't want to answer, my friend was on the way. I was fighting tears. Not wanting to honestly discuss how I felt and then have to explain it all again when I greeted my friend with streams of sadness running down my face.

I hate being negative! But, I'm facing some seriously negative shit! So I'm bottling it all up. And when I've actually reached out to friends to talk about it, they are always too damned busy. I hate that too! What's a girl to do?

I'm home now. Bundled up in dreary brown sweats to keep warm. Feeling funky, frumpy, and oddly frisky. Where's everybody at? Why am I not in bed? What the hell is wrong with me? Me. That's what's wrong! If only I could have one of those out-of-body experiences and transform into some blissfully ignorant blonde bimbos at the Playboy mansion or something. Anything. I need an escape. An emotional retreat.

Martha's funeral is tomorrow. And I'm not going. I feel terrible about it, but I am not comfortable with going there alone. Well, I am, it's the drive back that I fear would not be wise. I've simply got too much emotional shit going on to comfortably drive over two hours when I'm riddled with stress and sadness.

Please, please, please let something turn around soon. FAST!