Oh GR8 Pre-Date

Tomorrow is my big adventure by train for a first date in an eastern town... and I had been looking forward to it all week... until today. Even though I earlier weighed in a loss of four pounds for the week, I now bear the bloated burden of womanhood with a bonus case of moodiness.

Yesterday, I was the only person in the office until 10:00 a.m. Secretly, I was a little peeved because my co-workers didn't feel the need to report their delays and months ago I was reminded how important that was to do when I accidentally left a message on the wrong phone extension informing the staff of my own delay. You know, those rules that apply to you, but no one else that get on your last nerve. Anyway, after working all day, I went straight to Chester's so his wife, son and daughter in law could go to dinner, and immediately after that, I went to a city meeting to give a presentation for work. It was one long fucking day.

Of course, last night I slept poorly and when the alarm went off I was not thrilled. But, it was Friday, which meant I could get away with wearing jeans and a sweater, so I skipped all of the usual fuss and threw my hair into a ponytail. Morning routine time total: 20 minutes.

Continuing my crabbiness was morning traffic that included being stuck behind the I-don't-need-to-clean-snow-off-my-windows guy that weaves in and out of lanes blindly. After arriving at the office, I checked my email to see if a week long dispute over items I had ordered to have before my date weekend had been resolved, or even replied to. It hadn't.

Okay, now I am officially pissed off.

I spent over an hour, being transferred to and speaking with four different people, only to be put on the hold that really means you've been hung up on. I called back asking to speak with the person I was supposed to have been transferred to and again, the "please hold" oops-we-hung-up-on you thing.

Fucking pissed off.

Trying to defuse my anger, I attempted the old breathe deep thing while playing a song that usually makes me happy. I managed not to explode, however, the song did fail to bring me any short-term joy. Shortly thereafter, my co-worker attempted to resolve a similar three week long work-related situation. During her voicemail, she threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau.

"You go girl!" I said excitedly. "Don't put up with that crap. What is it with businesses these days... in an economy like this?!"

"I know! It's bullshit!" she replied.

Simultaneously, we searched our computers for the Better Business Bureau site, gleefully hunting for complaint records. Finding comfort in our mutual misery, my spirits lifted. But I had so much work to do...

I managed to escape the office an hour early... which was an hour past my intended departure time. I was on the hunt for a date outfit (read jeans that actually fit), travel toothpaste, a good book to read on the train, and an overnight bag. On my way into a store, a man with his family smiled and nodded. As I went to say hello, I accidentally swallowed my gum!!

Finally! I'm smiling! Laughing! Who swallows gum at 38 years old?! I walked through the aisles giggling to myself as I noticed the minty taste at the back of my throat and thought about the bizarre (yet untrue) consequences parents tell you result from swallowing gum when you're a little kid.

For the most part, I found what I was looking for, and since the gum incident, I have been in a more pleasant mood. I did forget to stop at the library to get my book, but I'm going to my mom's to pluck one off her bookcase. Surely it will have that oddly pleasant "old book smell" and it's yellowed pages will add a touch of charm suitable to an afternoon train ride. I've started packing my bag and soon will paint my nails... beginning the tedious grooming rituals us women go through for our first dates.

I hope to sleep well, have a pleasant morning, and look smashing when I depart for the depot...

(to be continued...)

I Had A Dream!

Oh did I have a dream last night!

Somehow, somewhere, I had encountered 6 handsome men with dark hair who were apparently friends. They all had slightly different features, hairstyles, clothing, and eye color... but all of them were handsome and in good to great physical shape. This half-dozen collection of cuties were not only smitten with me, they were competing against each other for my attention and affection!

Yes!

During my delicious dream, I scanned the gathering of gentleman, trying to pick which one I liked the best; which one I would ride off into the sunset with. At one point, they all sat, legs crossed, in a circle, as if they were gathered around a campfire. They battled wits and charming glances while the now circular-patterned scanning of these handsome fellows became almost dizzying. One man in particular had these icy blue eyes and a hint of badness to his persona... I was taking one last look to affirm my decision when...

Something woke me up!!!!! Bullshit!

In real life, I've been pondering a few things: travelling overseas, taking regular "Sunday Drives," and yes, dating. This time change thing (and leftover Halloween candy) has created a semi-paranoia that I'll simply eat and sleep myself to death! My ankle is still bruised and swollen, but I made an executive decision to workout anyway. If I do spring for a European adventure, I'm NOT buying two seats!

Content

It's definitely fall here. The cloudy, dark, Halloweenish sky... the cool crisp air. The SLEEP! Temperatures in the low sixties must be the ticket to resting for me. I've slept like a rock the last two days. And, of course instead of simply being grateful for that... I've managed to make myself feel guilty for it.

The weather guy on the local news station says that if you aren't turning your heat on, you either have an incredibly high tolerance for cool air, or some very good insulation. Apparently he forgot us broke people! Sorry, but I'm going to just put on a hooded sweatshirt. That's FREE. And free is all I can afford right now. Hanging around in sweats doesn't make me feel very sexy, but who is here to really care anyway?

I didn't go on my shopping mission today. I wasn't feeling it. In fact I wasn't feeling much of anything. I've read about 60 pages now of John Izzo's book... and I'm content with my quietness. Something I need. And something I need to be content with. I'm happy that I am reading it now, because it is telling me what I already knew, but sometimes we have to hear the truth from someone other than ourselves to legitimize our own thoughts. Isn't that a shame?

All I have eaten today was two slices of peanut butter toast. I'm just not hungry. Is the cool air putting me into semi-hibernation mode?

I did work out, and have managed to do at least that one thing for myself each day. Things are looking good! My German "sausage arms" are becoming a little more visually friendly to my eyes. My clothes feel good on my body. And, I feel better. That's the most important thing. I am trying to make good use of my time and not let myself atrophy physically.

C.F. has turned down the heat a notch, and the Irishman has turned it up. I suppose the two equal out in a mathematical sense. I am still very fond of them both. I think they are both very great men. I have no expectations. Just enjoying the relationships as they are. Thankfully, throughout my life, I've never relied on another to feel complete... so having a bit of pleasant fun is just that. Even as I approach the big decision years, the years in which I decide to have a child or never have a child, I feel no pressure to find "the one" and get knocked up. I suppose that means that I'm content with life, even when it's pretty much turned upside down.

Just Thursday

What a wonderfully peaceful day I have had. I finally managed to get a good night's sleep, only a good morning's sleep would be a more accurate description. I had fallen asleep at 12:30 a.m. only to awaken at 1:30 a.m. I was literally ready to cry!

Knowing that Manus would be signing on for our usual 2 a.m. chat after his shift ended at work, I decided to just stay up for a bit. We had an interesting discussion about dogs, complete with pictures I had found of each breed that I like. I love the BIG dogs... Mastiffs, Leonbergs, and Newfoundlands. He likes Wiemeraners. I find those to be beautiful creatures as well. My love for Mastiffs stems from my first encounter with a friend of my old boyfriends while we were in Aspen Colorado. When he walked into the cabin with this giant beast, my first thought when I saw the dog was, "He's either going to eat me... or love me." Not an hour later, we were down by the river playing fetch... with a log!

Earlier that night, C.F. had sent me a cute message and a photo of him... he has the dreamiest eyes and nice pink lips...

I managed to get to sleep after 5 a.m. I put my cell phone on silent to avoid people operating on the "normal" hours waking me. I don't even know how many hours I slept, but it felt damn good. All of this uncertainty and contemplation had put my mind into overdrive and left me only able to sleep a few hours at a time. So I made a point to remain unplugged for the majority of the day and just let the silence soothe me.

Of course, the first thing I did when I plugged back in was log on to see if either of my "lovers" had messaged me! No word from Manus, despite his promise that we would have a "proper chat." But, I had three messages from C.F.! A good morning, a well wish for my rested mind, and a declaration that he will use his thoughts of me to motivate him tonight. Sigh.

Another good workout added to my sense of accomplishment today. So far, my body hasn't started screaming at me. I don't know how much of a physical difference my intensified routine will make before the big trip... but I do know that exercise helps my state of mind immensely. Size wise, I'm comfortable... I'd just like to peel off this little layer of fat that is hiding my muscle tone a bit. I'd love to have lean arms! I find that to be very sexy and feminine on a woman's body. I've been cursed with German arms... sausages I call them. I'm not sure that they will ever look the way I'd like them to, but I'm not giving up yet!

I got yet another book in the mail today from my friend Cortney. "The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die" by John Izzo. When we were talking about trying to find our way and discover our true purposes she decided I must read it! I can't wait to check it out!

Tackled my bills tonight. I even paid the very questionable $184 electric bill. I'm hoping that I'll have some sort of credit on my next one. I'm going to have to pay my cell phone bill late, since I'm $7 short for that. But, thankfully no other's will be late. I typically pay them as soon as they come in the mail, but this month I just left them in a pile. A habit I don't want to get into. I can't afford to damage my credit rating! I've got to keep it as high as possible because I will have to refinance my home in 4 years, unless I manage to pay it off before then. Yeah right!

So that's the mundane rundown of my day...

Two Weeks Notice

Beautiful day today! Hard to believe that it's the middle of September! I was outside in my bikini reading a book! Thought I would get a little color back to my secluded skin and enjoy the weather while it's still warm.

Getting a tan is part of my grand scheme to feel as lovely as possible when my cousin and I go out of town for a show in a couple weeks. It's terrible how much I neglected myself last month. Not a single day of planned exercise... all I can recall doing that was strenuous was hiking with my Uncles, and hauling 50 pound bags of birdseed. And boy... what a difference 30 days makes!

I haven't had a night out with my cousin in a couple years. He was being held hostage by his controlling asshole ex-boyfriend during their torrid relationship. And thank God they have finally parted permanently. So, I'm excited to be seeing him. To be leaving the STATE, and to be going to a great show.

I'd like to shed a few pounds and firm up a little new found flab. Get back to the habit of being a woman. Not having anything to look forward to for five months has led me into becoming a haggardly hermit! The last time I even tried to look "pretty" was for my date with Patrick... and what a waste of makeup that was! This time... I'm going shopping for a new dress, new sexy shoes... getting a fresh hair cut (it's been eight weeks), and celebrating my femininity! I'm bustin' into my emergency money, and damn't, I'm going to feel good about it!

I've managed to work out daily and have upped my torture time to 45 minutes. I'd love to get my treadmill over here and go into a two- hour -techno- trance a few times before we leave, but that would require enlisting the help of a man... unless I can find a way to take it apart. It's currently in the upstairs of my mother's house and it is far too heavy to manage alone. As much as I dislike stationary cardio... I found that I was more able to stay focused on the treadmill. Probably because I'll bust my ass if I don't! I want to look HOT for our adventure in two weeks.

And... if I am going to try to get a job at a Strip Club at the age of 37... I have to bring my "A" game!