M.I.A!

Missing in Action.

Mona in Atrophy.

I have been at a loss for words; and a general loss for true emotion lately. Sleep is inconsistent, and at times: impossible. I awake with non-specific anxiety, and a sore jaw from grinding my teeth while I indulge my "chronic napping*."

What the hell is the answer here?

This is what troubles me.

Being a solution-minded individual, the unconquerable forces of the economy are demolishing my brain! I feel completely powerless! I am able and willing to work! And at this point, some eight months after losing my job to the very economy I speak of, getting a job is critical to my sanity and self worth. I am here to tell you that unemployment is perhaps the most destructive condition I have ever encountered!

One of the most prevalent symptoms is a lack of brain function. I can't remember shit! I might have one important obligation in a week, and I literally have to write it down. After I have written it down, I have to pray to God that I know what damned day it is, in the hopes that I will fulfill my solitary commitment! This is quite disturbing to me, considering I have always managed a very demanding schedule, such as working and attending school full-time.

Another issue is the feeling of unimportance, a lack of relevance in the big, busy, world around you. You are no longer a contributing member of society. No longer contributing to your bank account! Having no social obligations, and no money to attend any, leads to the virtual erasure of your existence. This is not a comfortable nor encouraging feeling!

Add to that, the mandatory negativity! If I were to look at my current situation in an entirely positive light, I would be severely delusional, and possibly committed to the local mental institution. Not my idea of a good time! Therefore, I have to acknowledge that I may NOT find a job for a good long while. I also have to acknowledge that there are thousands of people in the same state of unemployment as myself, that are also competing for the ever elusive jobs that I am applying for. The number of postings are drastically declining, as the rates of unemployment and utility costs skyrocket! This is not an easy battle to fight! It's like going to Iraq with a squirt gun and expecting to come out alive.

I busted my ass to obtain a $36,000 "American Dream." And now the world is trying to convince me that this is not a plausible accomplishment. What?! I'm not trying to live above my means, not trying to impress people with my Lexus, or my Country Club membership. I am simply trying to maintain my financial independence, and keep a tattered-shingle, and occasionally leaking, roof over my head. I refuse to believe that America cannot provide enough opportunities for such a "dream" to exist.

I, also, refuse to believe that the world has forgotten me, and that my place and purpose in this life has been permanently removed. Yet, I fail to find the solution. So I continue to atrophy...

Trial and tribulation has led me to a strong sense of being. I know that if I had my way, I would be a creative professional. A writer. Photographer. Interior re-designer. Quick-witted t-shirt producer... successful smartass. This is all intensely clear to me. However, finding the means to actualize this self-actualization, without a salary or savings account, has muddied my mind.

Damn't!

I have now begun to seek the advice of friends and family to gauge the level of realism of my potential career adventures. The majority of people I speak with seem to agree that I have some level of talent in these areas. I agree that I have the "balls" to give them a shot... I'm just not sold on the notion that I have the financial means to break through the seemingly impenetrable wall between dreams and reality. "I think I can" does not pay the mortgage.

I suppose this multiple-paragraph babble-fest could have started and ended with one question, "Where do I begin?"

"Where DO I begin?"

(chronic napping- Chronic napping occurs when an individual is unable to sleep for periods of time exceeding four hours. This individual is therefore in a chronic state of sluggishness and sleeps sporadically during the day and night. Rest achieved is most consistent with the term "nap." These individuals mimic the symptoms of narcoleptics, but can only dream of dreaming.)

The Latest...

So... I've been kind of busy, and of course, kind of lazy. Luckily for you, this means less incoherent babbling to sift through!

Despite feeling my apparently anxiety-fueled chest pains, and a bit of depression Friday night, I decided to stick to my plans to meet up with a friend on Saturday. I wasn't sure that I was physically or emotionally up to it, but we actually had a great time, and I was glad to have gotten out of my house!

Saturday: Chit-chat. Dinner at the Japanese restaurant... including "Monkey Balls!"

Sunday: Chit-chat. Shot photographs at the local park... until my batteries crapped out on me!

Monday: Researched graduation info. Errands with my friend, including a great sweater purchase! Ruby Tuesday's for breakfast/lunch/dinner... "brenchinner.*" Barnes and Noble for Pumpkin Spice Lattes and book grazing. Home. Scrabble Games. Two chapters in Microsoft Office 2007.

Also... I'm trying to plan for my graduation on Saturday. They limit your tickets and I need TWO more. I'm hoping to get them, because if I don't, I will have to tell my aunt and uncle that they can't come. The sad thing is, I have zero emotion about it really. Maybe that will change, but right now, graduation seems like an avoidable pain in the ass to me! My cap is too small, I don't have enough tickets, basically have to plan my own party, and the weather is supposed to be awful. WooHooooooo!??!?!?!?

And the Funk Funks On

I'm still a bit funky*. Funky is my favorite word to describe any state of mind or being that just isn't excited, happy, or productive. I suppose it is a form of depression denial. Laziness? Boredom?

I need some stimulation! I need some things to keep me busy! Like a job! I spent about two hours filling out an application for a part-time position at the local college, which sadly enough, would wind up bringing in about the same income as I receive now. The tediousness of filling out the applications, customizing the resumes and cover letters, is exhausting! I'm over it! The least these people could do is call you and say, "Ha ha! Good luck with your bills this month! Thanks for the scrap paper!"

Tomorrow morning I place my last call into the unemployment system. And then, hopefully, they will allow me to file for my extension. If I don't get the extension, or a job, I'm basically faced with packing it in and joining the many unemployed and uprooted broke asses. I'm praying that doesn't happen. I worked incredibly hard to get here. To get my finances in order, buy a house, and put some love and attention into it. I've only been here a little over a year. I'd hate to see it end this soon... over the simple failure of the local economy! If I can get myself out of debt... surely this state can find some solutions!

I'm waiting for "R" to call me back. Hoping he wants to hang out for a bit tonight. I'm bored! And I hate to say that. But, I'm not ready to read another book... and my level of inspiration to write is at a low. I've already job searched today... I want something new and different to do! I'm not a creature of habit. With the exception of thoroughly enjoying quiet time in bed.

Things are lookin up for the week. My calendar was empty, aside from my calls to unemployment tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. But, Brian wants to go to dinner (an old friend from high school) and Tonya will be in town. She's thinking lunch. So there is hope for some much-needed social activity.

And if "R" comes over... maybe I'll have some sex! What??!!!?!?! Hey, sounds fun to me! Maybe if I called him and said that... he'd be more in a hurry to see me.

I'm Having CHIPLETS!

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!

Broke down and did the open-close... open-close-open "what's there to eat" thing with the refrigerator and cupboards. I didn't truly want to eat. But, in order to be fair, I took a Ziploc bag of chiplets* (potato chips that did not survive life in the original bag) out of the cupboard and french onion dip out of the fridge. The chiplets made it difficult to totally pig out, and my cats were hovering about for handouts... so I don't think a terrible amount of harm was done to my cholesterol levels, nor the size of my ass. However, a food coma is also unlikely. Damn't!

*I, Mona Lake, officially take claim over the word "chiplets" and any variations of this word. If you are going to use the word chiplet, you must donate $5. After donating this $5, you are free to use the word chiplet as you will... Your donation will ultimately result in the creation and purchase of more chiplets, and therefore support the existence of both Mona Lake, and the chiplets themselves!