Fucked. Up.

It's all fucked up.
Me.
Us.
And maybe him.


Mr. Right wasn't there for me; but in his defense, I didn't ask him to be.

And in my defense, I don't know how.

But, I do know, that I'm broken hearted, and a stubborn ass bitch... that's what I had to become to survive. So, unless he finds a big white horse...

it's done.

Spinning

Holy hell is there a lot going on! I can't possibly verbalize the abundance of emotions I'm feeling right now. Just the thought of trying to is exhausting! So here's a brief inventory of my current dilemmas:

My 84 year old grandmother is STILL in the hospital. She has congestive heart failure, and lives in California... so visiting her is easier said then paid for.

My cat is doing better for now, but she is in some stage of kidney failure. She's gonna die. Right now, it's just a matter of on who's terms: mine or Jesus'. I'll find out what the vet recommends sometime next week.

The schooling program I have been jumping through hoops for for a year has become nothing more than a serious pain in my ass because the people in charge can't seem to send papers where they should in time. Classes are supposed to start next week. In support of my sanity and happiness... I think I'm going to scratch that plan off the list.

My relationship with Mr. Nice Guy, thankfully, is in a good spot. After a mildly neurotic and seriously awkward (for me) exchange of communications, it has now been officially established that we are an exclusive couple. However, with everything that is going on in my life aside from our new relationship, I'm concerned about him getting lost in the shuffle of my busy mind, thinking I'm a hopeless mess, changing his phone number, and boarding a one-way flight to Tokyo.


I sent a message to my Dad, suggesting that we meet sometime this summer. That was two days ago. I have heard nothing back from him.

My brother moved back to town. He's supposed to be staying at my mom's house, but... well that is a very long story. Let me just say that we are about to have an intervention of sorts, a last ditch effort, to encourage her to finally get her house in order. I'm happy to see him, and thankful for the opportunity to get to know each other as "grown ups," but I also have to take care of myself and have healthy boundaries. Because that is something I haven't quite mastered yet... this whole situation makes me a little nervous.

My new job is great, but there have been some sources of stress. Some are simply part of the natural process of settling into a new career, and others are the result of inefficient operating systems. I also have the reality of potentially losing my job in September, if we don't get much needed grant funding. My wounds are still rather fresh from being without a job for 10 months... so there is a legitimate level of fear associated with this. One thing I know for sure, is that I need to lay off the coffee, get some regular sleep, and make time to eat some damn breakfast!

None of this is more than I can handle. I just wish it wasn't all coming at me at once! I've done a lot of growing as a person, and was finally getting a good handle on the good, the bad, and the ugly that makes me who I am. Chaos is not my friend, so it is critical that I maintain some sort of balance during all of this. I just have to remember to... breathe. It wasn't that long ago that I had nearly given up on happiness. I had actually picked up the pen to write it off. But now that I've found it, and now that I have had some time to appreciate how beautiful inner peace and happiness truly are, I'm going to protect myself, and fight whatever battles are placed in front of me to the death!

Such is... Life; such is me.

So my "secret love affair" at work has been outted, and the "are we this" "or are we that"s have begun. There is no tabloid scandal... and no inner feeling of shock or pressure; I am just literally laughing at myself!

I have this history of having to prove things, and only wanting things when I can't have them. For example, I will play a man in a "man's sport" until I win... because I'm not supposed to. When my hair was stick straight, I longed for curly hair. Now that my hair has wave to it, I want my stick straight hair back! I never diet, because as soon as I utter the words, "I'm on a diet," I suddenly crave shit I would never want if I were left to my own dietary devices and I gain 5 pounds. When I'm single, I think I want a relationship, and when I think I might be in a relationship, I want to cling to my singlehood.

And now, here I am, dating. A guy who just can't seem to screw this up, and won't seem to let me either! What? Now what's a girl supposed to do? His swooning tactics are beyond masterful. He's so attentive that I bet he could tell you the last time I had pepper stuck in my teeth... My office has given him the thumbs up, and his office gave him permission to continue to see me because I "dress nice and not many women around here do."

I will not deny my self-defeating romantic behaviors. I thought C.F. was more amazing than a starry September sky; all the while knowing he would never be completely available to me. And now that this fella would rearrange the stars of the night sky to spell out poetic messages that only he and I knew the meaning of... I feel myself closing off.

I thought I was over this stupid shit! But, to avoid adopting a negative sense of utter failure... I'm going with the first step... and admitting this is a problem. So do I talk about it with him? Do I grab him and say, "No really! I like you... I just don't know HOW to like you?" Personally I would view that as a fast ticket out the door! But apparently, he enjoys riddles and puzzles, because so far, he's stuck around. Over 30 days. A record for my man-tolerance of late.

To be continued...

Soapbox Confessions

I think to say you have "grown up" you must learn the art of forgiveness. I know most people expect you to grow up by your mid-twenties... but, hey, we're all different; and some of us really seem to like doing things the hard way.


I'm happy to say, that at the "young" age of 35... I truly started growing up. When we let the pain of the past wrongs, or the embarrassment of past mistakes control our minds, we prevent ourselves from living life in the present, let alone having any hopes for happiness in the future. Unfortunately, although time stands still in our hearts and minds... we still physically grow old. Bullshit, I say!

Anyway... I've had the pleasure of running into several people I hadn't seen in over 15 years, in the past several months... people that may have not seen me at my best. And how could they have? I was an emotional mess when I was young! And after talking with a few of them, most of us were! I might be turning into a "super sap" in my old age... but there is something truly beautiful, and liberating, about forgiving people for simply being human.


If you were to have asked me, even five years ago, if I would ever consider opening the lines of communication with my very absent father... I would have said "hell no!" and maybe even told you to kiss my ass! But somewhere along my journey through this crazy little thing called "life," I realized that every single one of us has had some sort of struggle, hardship, tragedy, or emotionally devastating event occur in our lives. I realized that maybe my dad wasn't a dad because he literally couldn't be one... maybe he didn't know how. I'm not going to say that his lack of involvement in my life didn't hurt me, and I'm not going to say that exchanging a dozen or so emails with him magically erases any past wrongs or regrets. What I will say, is that just about anyone will tell you that life didn't quite go the way they planned it to... and I don't believe that anyone intentionally makes bad choices. They do what they know... and do what they can.



Does this make it right? Of course not. But if we spend our lives keeping score of who was "right" and who was "wrong," who was "good" and who was "bad," we immediately slam the door of opportunity... the opportunity to love and to learn from other people. The opportunity to forgive. The opportunity to have peace and forgiveness; true happiness in our lives.



Yesterday does not matter! We cannot change the past. We can't change the things we wished we wouldn't have done or said, anymore than those who have hurt us can. But what we can do, is accept things for what they were... what they are... and forgive. Most importantly... forgive ourselves.



Of course I wish that things could have been this "easy" when I was younger, but if I hadn't gone through my own hard times, who's to say I would be the person that I am now? And although I do think it's sad that it took me this many years to be able to talk about those "terrible" things that held be back from being truly happy for so many years... I'm very thankful that I can now say, I just plain don't give a shit! I punished myself for things I had no control over, things I didn't do, things I didn't ask for... and if being blatantly in-your-face honest prevents someone from taking the hard, and painful path... or suffering a life in painful silence... I'll risk the gossip... the "oh my God can you believe?"s...



That's me. A peace-love-and-happiness-can't-we-all-just-get-along kinda girl. And if you haven't noticed, I'm not apologizing for that anymore. I'll proudly stand on my soap box and let you make fun of my obnoxious eighties hair, shake your finger in shame about the guy I shouldn't have slept with, or wonder why I didn't "make something of myself" sooner... because I know if you're reading this, you've got a big heart in you, somewhere (smile!)...


Uh-oh! That big fat clown is coming across the stage now with that big, shut-the-fuck-up cane...

Witness Protection Program

Help! I'm not sure that I'm ready for that big, bad world that so quickly forgot about me for the past ten months. A former "people person," I now find mingling amongst masses of homosapiens almost uncomfortable! I feel exposed; vulnerable; like a person in the Witness Protection Program that just got spotted in the produce aisle in Arkansas.


It is in fact a small world after all... but the world inside my house is even smaller. And definitely more predictable... more comfortable... less demanding. However, I failed to find a miraculous way to support my lone existence without leaving the safety of my humble home... and my brain tricked me into believing that if I didn't find a job soon, I would somehow feel unfulfilled...

So here I am... working. Voyaging through the world of the "normal" people, wondering who knows I've lived the life of a sloth for months on end... wondering if unemployment has visibly damaged me; nipped away my sense of value and competence. My "oh my God I have a job!" feelings are becoming lost in this sea of doubt... fear of failure... insecurity.

My world is shrinking all around me! I keep running into people I haven't seen in years, having to rehash my circumstances with each encounter. That I have a job, but it's temporary part-time, that I graduated, but I'm going back to school... I just don't know when... I have to constantly relive the frustrating uncertainty and instability of life in today's economy each time I explain "what's going on." I ran into my high school friend's father this morning, a friend of a guy I dated (but shouldn't have) in my 20's in the hallway at work ... the tenant of an apartment I remodelled is asking me out (I think), my ex that will never be "serious material" is back in town... Nothing truly complicated, but I'm used to just having an occassional conversation with my cat, not trying to explain my 10 months in hell without sounding pessimistic. Shit. Did I just admit that?

Anyway... I love my job. I like the people, I really like the pay... it's a seven minute drive from my house... and it has a purpose. But, it's temporary part-time until the end of April... at which time they may or may not offer me a permanent position, and if they do, it will likely be part-time. If it's the same amount of hours I have now, I can live off of that... and hope for more hours in the future; while still taking my ceramics classes, and returning to school.

NOW... I just got a call for a call-back interview at a new business that is opening in the late summer. There are 1,500 positions available... and already over 20,000 have applied. So this is a BIG DEAL. My interview is tomorrow at 3:30, after a day of work. Not ideal for me, but, at least I don't have enough time to overthink it and start freaking out. I'm already jumping the gun and trying to decide which job is the best fit for me. Rather silly, since I don't have a solid offer of permanent employment from either place. This is what the economy, unemployment, and living on a literal prayer does to your mind... I'm a friggin' mess! I AM already freaking out.

I suppose the good news is that I sprung for some new shoes and a few "businessy" wardrobe items... so at least I won't LOOK like a dishelved, neurotic desperado. And, I suppose that the worst that could happen is that I have a choice in which job to accept. The source of my paranoia, perhaps, is a fear of losing the person I most recently found; sacrificing the joy of truly being who I am, for the much -needed security of a reliable and sustainable income.

To be continued...

The Ditches

Ditch. Ditched.

What's up with the recent ditching of Mona? It's an epidemic!

My cousin has ditched me. He claims he's got personal business dragging him down. Chey has ditched me... same story. C.F. ditched me, but for understandable reasons. "R" disappeared! Maybe he's in a ditch? No word from my father in almost two weeks... that's a double-ditch. Brian hasn't called back about dinner, and Tonya is in the ditching process as well.

The employment world is ditching me.

All the while, I keep hearing random clips on t.v. saying "If you don't have friends and family, you don't have anything."

Have I nothing?

I hate to be bitching about all of this ditching... but it's starting to sting a bit! Have I lost my place in this world? I love life. Why isn't it loving me back?

Swallowing

Sheesh! I'm tired! Alarm went off at 7:00 a.m. and I GOT UP! Stumbled to the shower and washed off the discouragement of yesterday. Nervous that my dress pants might not fit after a few depression-fueled episodes of "Ben &Jerry's," I took a deep breath, exhaled and wriggled into them. Packed like summer sausage in plastic, I was dressed and ready to go!

The position I submitted for today is at a dentist's office, but he is home recovering from hip surgery, so I was only able to speak with an assistant. I was sure to do the handshake thing and thank her for her time. She wasn't sure how the dentist plans to address hiring and theorized that he may do telephone interviews.

I have not yet heard anything from the urologist's office. Wouldn't it be fun to say, "Piss off!" or "Don't get pissy with me!" Yeah, I know, I'm an ass!

Later, I went to the unemployment office and did the leg work for a state program that pays tuition for in-demand occupations. JUST having finished school, I'm apprehensive to sign up for more late-night dates with textbooks... But, the hard reality is, my degree doesn't really give me an edge in any particular field, and there aren't any damn jobs out there!!!! I have a solid work history, extensive management experience and an education, and I'm NOT getting any calls. Makes me wonder who IS! My appointment is at 8:50 a.m. so no sleeping the day away tomorrow either!

I'm also swallowing my pride today and turning in my food assistance papers today. I've had them filled out for three months. I'm not one to admit that I need help or to accept it when it is offered, so this is a very big deal to me. I believe I only qualify for $40 a month, but with no job prospects and rising food and gas prices... I've got to suck it up and take the help while it's there. I've worked my entire life and was laid-off permanently, with no warning. "I just feel like other people need it more than I do" I told my friend Kim. She boldly declared, "What, are you trying to tell me you are the ONLY human being that doesn't need to EAT!?" Gotta love her. She backed up her argument with the fact that I have been a tax-paying citizen for 22 years... True. I surrender. I admit it. I'm broke. I'm poor. I'm hanging on by the seat of my tight dress pants...

Stripped...

Now that I am officially done with school... I officially have nothing to do. I've been sending resumes and cover letters until my fingertips bleed all along... but now it's serious. I already have a resume and cover letter ready to be faxed first thing in the morning! I've worked since the age of 15, so being unemployed just doesn't make sense to me. Our job market is absolutely terrible! I've joked for years about becoming a stripper... do they have "Senior Night?" Or maybe the "Early Tits" special? Will the change fall out of my g-string? Will the Social Security checks cause chaffing?

A paycheck. That's what I want! A reason to get up in the morning, other than a full bladder or a barking dog. A reason NOT to wear flip-flops. A reason to drive my car and use up the liquid-gold gasoline everyone bitches about! PLEASE SOMEONE HIRE ME!

Sometimes You Gotta Make Due...

Okay. So it's no secret that I haven't been myself. But, I've got shit to do! I've got shit DUE! I had been drawing a complete BLANK each and every time I sat down with my last project for class. We have to write an instruction manual! A what?! You mean those things I never read, and usually throw away? The very thought of having to read one... let alone write one, has been haunting me since the beginning of the semester. But, if I'm gonna get my last "A," my last "look at how smart I am," I've got to seriously get crackin'!

Our text-only draft was due today... so I had no choice but to pick myself up out of my "funk" long enough to get something on paper... ANYTHING!! I didn't get my first concrete start until after 7 p.m. last night. I did some serious negotiating with the professor and got permission to do a "spoof" on the instruction manual. I'm writing a manual titled, "How to Survive a Dysfunctional Childhood." It MUST be hilarious! This is the first time I've tried my comedic talents in this type of format, and the pressure is immense. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very quick-witted, and typically pretty damn funny! When you've lived the life I have, you either learn to make fun of it, and laugh things off... or you shoot yourself in the head! Why is this so hard?

Our final copy is due next week on Wednesday. I will be out of town for a family reunion... so I have to have this perfected by the end of Monday's class! I don't have TIME to be in this funk!

As far as the "boys" go... Well, they don't! I've learned through Mack's MySpace page, that he is moving in 10 days, to Florida. It would have been nice to hear it from him. I didn't have any long-term expectations from him, but I really did dig his personality, and would have enjoyed a friendship. I'm all about people chasing their dreams and breaking free from the "I can't"s, the "but what about..."s, and any other fear-based excuses to be made! In fact, it makes me feel a little regret that I've started to fall back into that myself! I swore I would NEVER buy a house here, let alone live here again... and, well... I did. And, I do.

Nick and I exchanged emails. I made a crack about my sex life and he cracked back. When I joked about how the sex must not have been that good since he hadn't been back for more... he told me sex just gets in the way, and he's trying to be a man of God. Okay, Nick. Lay off the booze! Surely he must be kidding! I am, by no means, against religion... or God... but Nick has either lost his mind, or I failed to get the joke! Anyway... regardless of whether or not he traded "ugly-bumpin'" for "bible-thumpin'"... I'm just not interested anymore!

So now... according to the polls... my choices are down to: George Clooney, or a therapist. I'm pretty cute, but I'm not foolish enough to think I could pass for one of George's runway-model-girlfriend-of-the-weeks. Sooooo... therapist? Well, therapists expect you to pay them, and I believe having sex with them is frowned upon. So (if I remember to) I will take down that poll, and replace it with a more life-applicable one by the beginning of next week.

There ya have it folks... I've got some McDonald's to digest. My cupboards are bare, and my wallet is too! I'm too tired to cook, and a greasy, cheesy, fat gram-laden burger sounded pretty damn nice. Sometimes ya gotta make do!

"I get so weak in the knees, I can hardly..."

Weakness. I'm going to let you inside Mona's mind a little and confess my weakness. I have a real problem with disappointment. I know that the word disappoint means "failure to satisfy the hopes or expectations of," but it shouldn't mean (and doesn't) "the ability to cripple the contentment of the mental state of Mona Lake." I've grown a lot in the last several years and I definitely have had my share of disappointments. But, I've discovered that I am only able to handle one at a time, in a truly healthy way. You see, I was on top of the world Wednesday. I was enjoying my LAST CLASS before graduating, looking forward to getting my cable fixed, my A/C fixed, and my date with Mack. But, because of the storm knocking out the power, the first two things had to be cancelled... and the latter... well... I never got the email from Mack cancelling. So, I waited, nervous, anxious, and then MAD AS HELL. All of that disappointment just festered in the silent darkness of my empty house without power.

I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to develop a stronger internal core of my being. I am ashamed to say that I literally stewed over these things until late last night. However, I am also trying to learn how to be more kind to myself. So, I'm questioning the balance. And where it lies at this moment. Would I really be strong enough to handle a relationship, or KIDS!!??? I want to think so, but, if I can't live through an unfortunate thunderstorm... I had options, if I sought them. I could have stayed with friends if I wasn't being so proud. I could have spent some time smiling, instead of pouting. In honor of optimism, I will officially categorize this as a lesson "learned."

And for those who only read my crazy blog for my boy crazy banter...

I can prove I am not a sex-starved, dirty-minded floozy! Nick, an ex from a few years ago, flirtatiously invited me for a night of equally needed sex... and I declined. He would have been "safe" considering I have "been there done that." Wouldn't have to ADD him to the "list." I'm not sure what that means yet. I can't confidently say that I would always turn the offer down, but, I was content with my decision to say no.

And as for Mack... I was not impressed with his method of cancelling the date. However, he was very honest about his reasons and admitted some insecurity. His ability to be humble, in my eyes, makes him worthy of a chance. I feel we could be friends. You can never have enough friends! If anything more comes of that... well then it does. But, for now, I'm turning my man-o-meter down a notch.