Do You Know Where You're Going To?

"And do you like the things that life's been showing you... where are you going to? Do you know?"

My little "hiatus" is winding down, and as usual, I'm feeling like I didn't spend my time as wisely as I should have. I needed rest; and I rested. I needed to work on painting the house; and paint I did, albeit just a little in two days. Is my constant need to do-do-do some neurotic, haunting, psychological glitch, or simply a voice of reason I should be paying more attention to?

And so I wonder: do I know where I'm going to? Does anyone truly know where they are going to?

Many people that I know, especially C.F., seem to be hyper-focused, cool-cucumber types, that never appear to ponder the direction in which their lives are going. This year (and a lot of hard work) has taken me to new heights... destinations that weren't necessarily on my itinerary. I'm finally achieving many life goals, although maybe a little too many at a time to truly appreciate my personal success. And yet... I'm still feeling that there is more; so much more I need to do.

Last night, I chose to retire to my bedroom early, and searched for something intellectually stimulating to watch on the T.V. As you all know, this isn't an easy task. Reluctantly, I chose to watch a movie about Georgia O'Keeffe on Lifetime. I try to avoid making a habit of watching Lifetime for fear that I'll wake up to a house full of cats and a closet stocked with elastic waistband pants. But, Ms. Georgia O'Keeffe was an artist, and more importantly, a rather spirited woman who seemingly remained respectfully committed to her need to create. And so I watched...

As usual, the storyline and acting left a little to be desired; however, I found myself enthralled with Georgia's life. At one point in the film, she had written to her lover/husband something similar to "although I will miss you terribly, I have come to realize that to do what I need to do, I must be alone." I found myself pondering her thoughts and finding them to be oddly the same as my own. She also said that she had all of these visions and thoughts in her head and she just had to get them out. Ah. I can completely relate to that!

I'm not claiming to be as amazing, nor as monumental in the world of art as Ms. Georgia; but I will confidently say that I am blessed/cursed with the same brain function. As a young girl, I was immersed in my creative kingdom; drawing, painting, writing, dancing, acting, and "singing."And I was happy.

Along the way, without familial support, and throughout school systems obsessed with academics; I became lost. After following the advice of a counselor, some dear friends, and the driving force of my being... I slowly reconnected with that creature inside me and began creating again. Wouldn't you know it, I'm happy again.

I have now achieved official "author" status via published articles and a 100% success rate with grant writing. I've ticked another item off my "bucket list" and have a couple pieces in an art show currently. But there has to be more! However, where I live... where I am bound to the financial ties of my home, is not truly conducive to any true success as an artist. A writer? Yes. Thanks to technology, one can write anywhere. I'm taking a sculpting class to enhance my skills in ceramics and I'm writing fairly regularly... but is that enough? Is it too much? Is accepting full time hours at my job to find my financial freedom in order to pursue these things more seriously in the future... cheating me of the present? Where do you draw the proverbial line? Am I supposed to have some sort of plan? Is that what "successful" people do?

Do you know?

Serendipitous Coincidence

Life has a funny way of telling us the things we really want to know, quietly sending us the answers to questions our human minds find impossible. After waking up Saturday morning with my mind full of wonder, jaw sore from anxiety-driven teeth grinding... the answers slowly came to me.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time alone, and had an unplanned dinner with my mother, brother, aunt and cousin.

I was wondering if I was spending too much time at home, until I picked mulberries with my neighbor, watched the groundhogs play, witnessed two baby doves learn how to fly, fixed my fountain bird bath that I had written off as broken, gave a neighbor I had never met before free tickets to a ball game, and helped my brother mulch my mother's yard.

I felt, perhaps, that I wasn't living up to my potential, then I finished reading the book, "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell.

I was feeling like the meaningful things in life seem to be lost in the rush of attainment and status... wondering if I was fooling myself with a false contentment in my non-material world; and I watched the movie "Seven Pounds."

I picked fresh blackberries from the vine. Planted flowers. Danced with the wind and sun for an entire Sunday afternoon. Profound? No. But somehow, these simple occurrences settled my mind. I feel a great sense of calm and contentment. I might not be able to provide a detailed map of where I'm going... or an elaborate agenda of what I'm doing... but I know that it's right.