Mr. Nice Guy and His Big White Horse

Oh my am I just dumb.

After replaying the evening's events, I realized that I let the probably ill intentions of a "woman" Mr. Nice Guy and I both know, ignite some almost disappeared insecurity with our relationship's good standing. You see, I've never understood "mean people," and I truly believe that people shouldn't play high school games after the age of 21... so 40 year-old women who act like catty little teenage bitches... over a boy... just don't make sense to me!

He and I haven't totally discussed things, but he does know that I was upset, and expressed sincere concern. Had I not spent the day with Chester, I'm sure we would have had a meeting to discuss the issue.

We do have a breakfast date tomorrow... and I'm going to just tell him what happened. And... I think it's going to be okay.

Fucked. Up.

It's all fucked up.
Me.
Us.
And maybe him.


Mr. Right wasn't there for me; but in his defense, I didn't ask him to be.

And in my defense, I don't know how.

But, I do know, that I'm broken hearted, and a stubborn ass bitch... that's what I had to become to survive. So, unless he finds a big white horse...

it's done.

The Stranger and the Strangeness

So... my "dad" has called.

I'm not quite sure who would have given him my phone number because my entire family has taken the "just don't talk about it" approach to any paternal aspects of my life. Since everything was such a big secret, I am surprised that whomever gave him my number didn't first ask for permission.

But he's got it. And he called.

His message was pretty brief and neutral. Hearing his voice was quite strange to me, since the last time we spoke it was 1989. When he had called me then, I certainly wasn't emotionally ready to excuse him for his complete and utter absence in my life; nor was I mature enough to realize that he, himself, had his own inner battles. There were other "forces" preventing us from having any form of a relationship... and a cruel cloud of surrounding silence that neither of us fully understood.

When we spoke in 1989, I was devastated. Having my own father ask me how old I was, and when my birthday was, broke my heart. I couldn't comprehend a father not knowing when his own daughter was born. I couldn't comprehend his inability to simply say he was sorry. Knowing he had a kid out there somewhere... who could have needed him... who did need him... and simply carrying on with his life without a care in the world; how could he?


And now I'm a "grown up." Someone who admittedly has made her own serious mistakes. Participated in her own life tragedies. And most certainly, I'm tired of allowing this cancerous silence to continue. Now that I am someone who is strong enough to deal with the pain, resentment, and loss of my fatherless childhood... I'm ready to slowly let him in. I'm not going to say there isn't some level of fear involved. Having a relationship with my father could just as easily become hurtful, as it could become beautiful and rewarding. Healing.


Regardless of the outcome, he is half of who I am. Most of what I like about myself... I get from my father. This is what I have always found ironically profound. I internalized the denial of my father, as a denial of me. Add to that the failure of schools, and my family to support the creativeness that is so deeply ingrained in my very being; and you wind up with a confused little girl feeling unloved, unwanted, ashamed of who she is; trying to be something else... anything else... so that someone would love her for who she was meant to be.


We can't change the past, and that, to me, is the beauty of it. I don't have to spend months on end trying to make sense of the last 37 years without him. Trying to right all of the wrongs. Bandage all of the old wounds. I've got today, and tomorrow. I've got an open mind; a fairly healed heart, and a healthy willingness to simply meet the man who helped to create me. And hopefully, I'll find peace in discovering all of the things I didn't know, before I never get the chance.

Spinning

Holy hell is there a lot going on! I can't possibly verbalize the abundance of emotions I'm feeling right now. Just the thought of trying to is exhausting! So here's a brief inventory of my current dilemmas:

My 84 year old grandmother is STILL in the hospital. She has congestive heart failure, and lives in California... so visiting her is easier said then paid for.

My cat is doing better for now, but she is in some stage of kidney failure. She's gonna die. Right now, it's just a matter of on who's terms: mine or Jesus'. I'll find out what the vet recommends sometime next week.

The schooling program I have been jumping through hoops for for a year has become nothing more than a serious pain in my ass because the people in charge can't seem to send papers where they should in time. Classes are supposed to start next week. In support of my sanity and happiness... I think I'm going to scratch that plan off the list.

My relationship with Mr. Nice Guy, thankfully, is in a good spot. After a mildly neurotic and seriously awkward (for me) exchange of communications, it has now been officially established that we are an exclusive couple. However, with everything that is going on in my life aside from our new relationship, I'm concerned about him getting lost in the shuffle of my busy mind, thinking I'm a hopeless mess, changing his phone number, and boarding a one-way flight to Tokyo.


I sent a message to my Dad, suggesting that we meet sometime this summer. That was two days ago. I have heard nothing back from him.

My brother moved back to town. He's supposed to be staying at my mom's house, but... well that is a very long story. Let me just say that we are about to have an intervention of sorts, a last ditch effort, to encourage her to finally get her house in order. I'm happy to see him, and thankful for the opportunity to get to know each other as "grown ups," but I also have to take care of myself and have healthy boundaries. Because that is something I haven't quite mastered yet... this whole situation makes me a little nervous.

My new job is great, but there have been some sources of stress. Some are simply part of the natural process of settling into a new career, and others are the result of inefficient operating systems. I also have the reality of potentially losing my job in September, if we don't get much needed grant funding. My wounds are still rather fresh from being without a job for 10 months... so there is a legitimate level of fear associated with this. One thing I know for sure, is that I need to lay off the coffee, get some regular sleep, and make time to eat some damn breakfast!

None of this is more than I can handle. I just wish it wasn't all coming at me at once! I've done a lot of growing as a person, and was finally getting a good handle on the good, the bad, and the ugly that makes me who I am. Chaos is not my friend, so it is critical that I maintain some sort of balance during all of this. I just have to remember to... breathe. It wasn't that long ago that I had nearly given up on happiness. I had actually picked up the pen to write it off. But now that I've found it, and now that I have had some time to appreciate how beautiful inner peace and happiness truly are, I'm going to protect myself, and fight whatever battles are placed in front of me to the death!

Mr. Nice Guy and the Dipshit

Things between me and Mr. Nice Guy seriously get better every day. And of course, I keep waiting for the bottom to drop out... for him to find something so wrong with me that he runs like Forrest Gump... far far away and never to return. I am very aware of my little (big) problem, and I'm just dying to confess to it. I was, in fact, so close to spilling my guts last night that I asked him to sign an imaginary waiver that relieved me from any liability resulting from me being an idiot.

This guy... is unreal. He had the tech guy bring me speakers for my work computer after my tower blew up and was replaced with one that had no sound at all. He knew I was secretly very upset because I was facing potentially having to put my cat to sleep. He takes me on real dates. Holds my hand while we are walking. Wasn't grossed out by the enormous tumor-like zit I had on my back, and thought my snoring last night was cute. He took me to breakfast this morning... with his MOTHER! The funny thing about that is that she vividly remembers he and I dancing at her daughter's wedding. She is a very kind and forgiving lady, who also looks beyond amazing at 61!

See! Now I don't even have the "I don't get along with his mother" excuse to sabotage this! Man am I screwed! I might be falling in l-o-v-e with this guy. I've opened up the door a little bit and sent him a text two nights ago that said "I maybe really kinda sort like you." Juvenile, yes, I admit to that. It was a calculated effort to minimize the potential for painfully blatant rejection and provide me with the "escape" I'm always looking for, just in case he didn't reciprocate the same sentiment. Today I sent him a text that said "I retract my previous statement. I DO like you." I'm happy to report that he expressed his affection for me as well. I knew that. Guys don't do the sorts of things he's done for me if they don't like you. That just magnifies the stupidity of my fear.

Here are some of our text exchanges today...

Mr. Nice Guy: With any luck I'll be snoring like you were last night in a min. ;) xxxx

Dipshit (me): Fucker! Another not so sexy attribute of mine. I'm sorry! And embarrassed.

Mr. Nice Guy: It was cute love.

Dipshit: Sure. No wonder you are so tired.

Mr. Nice Guy: Not true it was wonderful and peaceful with you cuddled up to me.

(after our confessions to "liking" each other...)

Dipshit: Hooray!!! I feel like I won the lottery!

Mr. Nice Guy: fuckin a! Let's go on a vacation then.

Dipshit: honey you are prize. No fortune here.

Mr. Nice Guy: You got jipped.

Dipshit: I disagree rather strongly. I don't deserve you.

Mr. Nice Guy: Ohhhh our first argument! Can we skip right to the name calling part? I want to call you dirty names.

Dipshit: What are we arguing about?

Mr. Nice Guy: Who deserves who :)

I think that kinda maybe sorta counts as confessing to my feelings, doesn't it? Although he does deserve the respect of the unabridged version. Last night I was out with him and a group of his friends, and today with his mother... so I suppose that means we are now publicly a couple. I also happily declined a "booty call" from a former lover who was messaging me while I was with Mr. Nice Guy. The fact that I felt it was wrong and didn't want Mr. Nice Guy to think I was interested in someone else tells me that I'm serious about him. So it's time to shape up, let him know how I feel, and quit acting like a scared little child before I lose this guy! The question is: when?!!