New Year. New Blog.

Well, it's 2010. A new year. A new decade. And... it's time for Mona Lake to get real. Get serious. Get living.

And get a "new" blog.

This blog originated from a nagging need for a purpose in life when I found myself unexpectedly unemployed prior to the nation wide implosion of the economy. The world had carried on without me. I was depressed. Bored. And scared shitless. With that 10 month bout of unemployment came peaks and valleys of emotions that led to my blog becoming a pseudo bi-polar paradise of topic-of-the-day randomness.

Now that I am gainfully employed, and frankly, out of excuses... it's time to get back to what I wanted this blog to be. What I want to be.

I'm afraid. I admit it. I'm afraid that my love boat may have already sailed off without me. I'm afraid my mother will die of cancer and my grandparents will start dropping like flies. As a result, I'm afraid I'll wind up regretting not starting a family of my own... because I was too busy being afraid.

I'm 38. For a few more months. If I have even the slightest desire to ever have a child, simple math tells me that I had better start living my life in such a way that might make that remotely possible. This means I'm going to have to give up the boring security the ill-fitting sweatpants and anti-social behaviors I acquired during my stint as Jobless Jody, and get out there and date!

DATE?!?!

Fuck.

Trying to be proactive, I posted a profile on an online dating site right before Thanksgiving. The very next week, I found out my mother has cancer again. For those of you who haven't yet found yourself 38, lonely and dateless; flirting shamelessly through emails with guys on a dating site and deciding whether to go bowling with mrlovemachine23987* or have coffee with bitterdivorcevictim69* when your mother has cancer... just doesn't sit right in your head and heart.

A few days after the news sunk in... I began to realize that not only was my mother's mortality in jeopardy, my grandparents are all "getting long in the tooth." They are all in their late 70's to late 80's. Again... the simple math comes into play here. They aren't going to live forever, no matter how hard I wish them to. What will my life be like once everyone is gone? Family is everything to me.

This is when the "kid thing" surfaced in my brain. I think the kid thing has always been there, but I buried it amongst the fear and selfishness that seems so much more affordable than years of diapers, school shoes, braces and college tuition. And let's not forget it only takes one person to be afraid and selfish. If I recall correctly, it takes two people for the kid thing... and at least 20 minutes.

So here I am... trying to find a way to make this all work. Trying to find a way to be there for my mother, but not lose myself at the same time. Trying to find a way to lose the weight I gained while sitting on my ass as life passed me by... and trying to find "the one."